This past year has been intense. Who remembers when I went to the ER after my first chemo due to stomach pain? They thought I had a burst appendix or a twisted ovary (WTF.) I was in the ER for almost 6 hours writhing in pain. Turns out I was just really constipated but nobody told me. They just sent me home saying they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Gotta love the health care system. Its all good I just ate a lot of prunes and shortly after, HALLELUJAH!
Chemo was no fun though. I remember the nasty taste. The weird reaction in my throat to the premeds. The Benadryl turning my eyes stoner red. Uhg as I am typing this I get that feeling in my mouth, it makes me sick. Lets skip talking about chemo, K thanks!
Remember that time I had my bone marrow biopsy and they hit a nerve so I was hospitalized for the day due to immense pain in my lower extremities and being doped up on all kinds of amazing drugs! Good times! What about that time towards the end of chemo where my lungs got pulmonary toxicity from the Bleomycin and I had to go on those chunky face makers called steroids! That was fun! I love getting lung biopsies and gaining weight!! Man cancer has been so good to me! (Also I apologize for the run on sentences but deal with it!)
Looking back a year ago, a lot of early memories feel foggy. I think I coasted through most of it on autopilot not really comprehending what was happening to me. I look at old pictures and miss the old Jessica. Long hair, thin face, lean body. I even feel like my voice is different. Its all mostly superficial but that's who I knew for 24 years and now who am I? I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror and the person in pictures looks like a stranger. I've lost my identity.
Whats the plan? Whats the goal in life? Am I just supposed to enjoy it and do whatever makes me happy? Yes I suppose that's a good answer. Life is so hard. I thought I had it figured out. I had it made in the shade with lemonade and now I just feel like I don't belong. Is it Washington? I sure don't feel like I belong back in California. Why can't I win the lottery and travel and be wild. Not have to worry about bills, jobs, insurance, people, love, feelings, stress, the world. A problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone in my cave and not deal with anything either. Why can't I be a hermit!! Man this emotional roller coaster ride isn't over yet and I don't see an end in site. I hate roller coasters.
I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a blood test to check for cancer markers. But lately I have been having weird things happen and so my doctor will be doing a full check up to see whats going on with my body. Of course I jump to the worst conclusion and that is that the cancer is back but of course I shouldn't go there. Wouldn't that be a bit of sweet irony. Below are pictures I found in my "Cancer" picture folder. Till next time skids.
Also a quick shout out to the band wagon hoppers who got a kick out of my near death experience and have since vanished: WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ;)
The Day I Cut My Hair AD
The Lump In Question BD
After The Biopsy BD
Golum and Fraline AD
Nobody cares unless you are dying or beautiful
