Am I Surviving Wrong?

"I knew someone that had cancer and when they beat it they had a new outlook on life." That is something that is said to me quite often. Not exactly that way every time but that general idea. I personally know people that have taken life by the horns after their diagnoses and never looked back. There are some that are taking their experiences and helping others. There are some who said fuck it and are traveling the world and saying YES to every opportunity. There are some that just see the happiness in the world and no longer fret the little things because they lived, they survived. There is no greater gift than a second chance.

What about me? What about the others? I also know my fare share of those who look at their diagnoses like why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve cancer? Some remain bitter. Some can't find that new sense of normal. Some are permanently damaged. Am I one of those permanently damaged cancer survivors? I didn't have it too bad. I did my year of time and I bounced back pretty well. It looks like I bounced back anyways. I almost have that pre cancer body but I credit that to my metabolism. I went back to work. I joined sports teams. I dated (and eventually got engaged!) But in the back of my mind I know I am not the same as I was before. And I had hoped all through my treatment that I would come out of it a changed and more grateful person. I beat cancer I should have had an epiphany or realized my dreams and went after them. I should enjoy the sun rising and I should be grateful I woke up this morning. I should. But sometimes I'm miserable. Am I surviving wrong?

Some might think so. Some might think I am not enjoying my 2nd chance and that someone else who didn't get one would have enjoyed it more than me. Is this survivors guilt I feel? I have no right to complain because I survived. If I walked by you on the crowded street you wouldn't know I had cancer and almost died. So why am I upset? I should have dropped everything and ran to another country, explored something new and celebrated my 2nd chance. Instead I was eager to get back to normal but that normal I remember isn't my normal anymore. And now that I have that "normal" I can't help but think I'm surviving wrong. I am plagued with thoughts of reoccurrence daily. Followed by guilt that I have no right to think that because my cancer was the good kind and I'll be fine. Which comes to a screeching halt when I realize my thoughts are valid because I had cancer dammit. Then I tell myself to stop being a drama queen.

Then I think of people who have had cancer and hide it away like it never happened. Once again I feel guilty and think that I am just seeking attention and I should hide it away and never talk about it. But then those freaking thoughts come back and it starts the vicious cycle all over agin. I remember how the chemo tasted. I remember having a weird reaction to the Zofran which I dreaded more than the chemo. I remember the aches all over my body and it hurt to lay down. It hurt to be hugged. It just hurt. I don't want to do that again. I wouldn't wish that on anybody let alone someone who already went through it and knows what to be scared of.

After all of that I should be a giant ball of light and joy. But I am not. Am I surviving wrong? Or am I surviving the best I can. And you are surviving the best you can. And we are all doing our very best and doing what we think is right. There are no right or wrong ways to survive. Each person battles their own demons and it is up to them to conquer those demons. Life is just one epic war and we fight battles along the way and hope to see another day. Life is precious. Whether you have had cancer or not, make sure you are surviving and thriving. Just remember how you survive may not be the way the person next to you survives. If I must have a gloomy day here and there and let the bad thoughts take over then I will. I will write a blog about it and share it and hope that there is someone out there reading this and they say "So I'm not the only one, this is normal." I hope those questioning if they are surviving right realize its okay to have the guilt. Its okay to not be a ball of light and joy after surviving cancer. Cancer is a big deal and unfortunately a lot of our dear friends don't win the battle but those of us that do we are plagued with the memories and reminders. Sometimes we are reminded to cherish life and live to the fullest. And sometimes, just sometimes, we are reminded that death is lurking in the shadows and what happens if we bump into each other again?




"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

Two years later...

Here we are two years after my last chemo, two and half years since I was diagnosed and about 3 years since I started noticing weird symptoms. At that time of course cancer was the furtherest thing from my mind. I guess we should take a few steps back...

Almost 3 years ago exactly I had ACL reconstructive surgery on my left knee due to a soccer injury. I  had the basic tests run to make sure I was healthy enough to be put under for a few hours. No concerns so we went ahead with surgery. A few weeks pass and I am healing from a semi major knee surgery when I start noticing lumps on my neck. They would come and go and doctors advised it was because I was sick (with colds) and thats just how my body was dealing. Well that has never happened before in my 24 years of life but who am I to question them, they are the professionals after all. My legs were also super itchy. Itchy to the point I would scratch them so hard they would bleed. I had a ton of ideas of what the cause was and just didn't worry about it, itchy legs aren't life threatening. Soon I get a lump on my neck that decides to make its permanent home on my collar bone. I went to another doctor who recommended a ear nose and throat doctor. By the time I get in to see this ENT I am two weeks away from moving from Southern California to Seattle Washington to start a new exciting journey. As usual he said it was probably nothing and because I was moving there was no time for extensive testing. He offered to do a needle biopsy right then and there and said we should hopefully have results before I left the state. Sure enough a few days later he calls to say they were, wait for it, inconclusive. He advised to enjoy my move and if it got any worse to see a doctor in Washington.

So I moved. Started my life in Washington and was getting settled. I found a doctor to recommend a physical therapist so I could continue my PT for my recently operated on knee. He also was performing an insurance required physical for my new medical insurance. He did the usual testing and commented on how extremely healthy I was. Until I mentioned I had had a cold for about two weeks that didn't seem to shake. Then pointed out the giant golf ball sized lump living on my collar bone. Then he asked if I was having night sweats and sure enough I was! I had just figured I had the heater up to high while I was sleeping. I slept a lot because I was ALWAYS tired. Turns out itchy skin, commonly itchy legs, are a symptom of Lymphoma as well. Of course I didn't put all the pieces together till after I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. At that point I was given so much reading material and had googled so many things and read so many blogs that I was now a self proclaimed Hodgy expert.

All that has brought me to here and now and what is on my mind. Here we are 3 years almost to the day since my last ACL surgery and guess what? I am currently recovering from ACL reconstructive surgery on my right knee. Soccer. Soccer is how I keep tearing and breaking things in my body for those that are wondering. Any who, so as I am having the biggest case of De Ja Vu in history or just plain ol' repeating history, I couldn't help but wonder if all of 2013 was going to take place again? The beginning of 2013 had its ups and downs that I account towards being a young adult and nothing special but to have a first major surgery, move two states away and get diagnosed with cancer all in a matter of 6 months, man did I hit the mental and physical breakdown jackpot!

I have an itch on my leg. I have a lot of itches on my leg. Both of my legs are super itchy. I scratch them to the point of no return. De Ja Vu.  I'm tired. So tired. Did I sweat last night because it was hot? Yeah it was just hot in the apartment last night thats all it is, I'll turn the fan on higher tonight. Let me caress my neck ever so cautiously. Whats that? Is that a lump, no thats supposed to be there. How about the arm pits? Feel, tickle, poke..whats that? Nothing, its nothing. Let me email my doctor and see when he can squeeze me in for my next scan or a blood test or maybe he can just feel this thing on my neck that isn't anything at all. Or is it? Whats that pain in my throat? Cough Cough. I have a cold, no its something in my throat. A tumor? No. Its nothing.

Here I am two years out from my last chemo and I feel the things I felt 3 years ago. Does it ever really go away? I don't think so. My new normal is worrying about every itch and every ache and every tingle somewhere in or on my body. My new normal is talking myself out of the thought I could have a relapse followed by the very real confirmation that people relapse all the time. It could happen. I have accepted there is no real rhyme or reason for getting cancer. Yes, some you can trace to an exact cause but most is just the luck of the draw. As my doctor said I was "extremely healthy," followed by wait whats that lump on your neck, followed up with "you have cancer."

Don't get me wrong, my life is not consumed with thoughts that I will relapse. They come and go, its all part of that magical roller coaster ride that I will never be able to get off of. I enjoy life to the best of my ability. I also know I have a higher risk of getting cancer again or even a secondary cancer and that I do need to be weary and cautious. The whole "is that a lump?" panic mode is something every cancer survivor is all too familiar with. Lets just hope my itchy legs are caused by the change in weather...

Heres to hoping friends!!