These haunting feelings and memories flash through my mind. They flash bright and loud. They cause me to stop and have an anxiety attack. Why? What is happening to me? Memories of getting diagnosed, correction, misdiagnosed. Then flashes of the actual diagnoses of cancer. This time last year I was running tests and seeing doctors and had the cancer cloud hovering over my head, waiting for its downpour. When finally it happened. The crash of cold, sharp cancer came pouring down. I had cancer. Have? Had? Whatever. Almost a year later of getting diagnosed and its like its happening all over again. I feel like I am reliving what happened this time last year. Its like a movie. Picture a young lad coming home from war and 5 years later he wakes up in the middle of the night to cold sweats and the scene cuts to a black and white screen. BOOM! FLASH! Bombs go off. Loud noises and screams are heard. Death. Fear. Then back to reality.
I "survived" cancer, I should be happy and moving on and living. Why can't I be an inspiration? Why can't I be like those role models and give hope to those currently fighting? Why can't I move on? Who will answer these questions for me! I just want my old life back, my old body, my old sense of self. I do not go a day without having cancer fall off my lips. I do not go looking for it, it finds me. Better yet never leaves me. Maybe as time goes on it will get easier and less haunting. Maybe the pain will go away as well.
My body aches and hurts. If feel like I have been hit by a train more often than not. My skin hurts to the touch on occasion. My lungs are not like they used to be. Why did I get cancer? Why me. Had I not been through enough in my life? I thought I endured enough torment and lessons learned. Again I wish I was a basket of rainbows and butterflies but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everyone. Maybe someone feeling the same way as me, in the same situation will stumble upon this and maybe, just maybe, they will say "So it's not just me!" No its not just you. What you are feeling is normal. But if you are one of the ones who felt they got a second chance and shit rainbows then good for you. I wish I was like you.
Sure I have my moments of SEIZE THE DAY! But those are quickly followed by well this is life and shit happens. There is a general saying that after a shit load of bad stuff happens then a shit load of good stuff should happen. I mean I do have something of that nature tattooed on me for goodness sake. It's a good reminder and inspiration and sometimes it works. But what I am getting at is: It seems like a whole lot of bad shit has happened to me lately when will it turn around? When will the clouds part and the sun shine through? Maybe I am being too negative. Maybe I need to appreciate the little things. Well folks, I AM TRYING!! Thats all I can do.
I hear people joke about getting cancer like its not a real thing. Like it can't happen to them. I used to do that a lot and BOOM I got cancer. HOW THE FUCK?! Pardon my language I am hangry because I am on a diet trying to lose the weight cancer so willingly gave to me. And when we broke up Cancer said I could keep the weight. How thoughtful.
Even though I am haunted by these feelings and memories I also feel like it didn't happen. Is that weird? I don't know if any body else can relate to that actually. It feels like a dream. I didn't go to work, my mom lived with me and made me food. I went on adventures, I met new people, got a cool new haircut and occasionally got pumped full of poison that knocked me out a few days. And now like nothing happened I picked back up where I left off. Nobody had a clue. Strangers and new acquaintances have no idea I almost died. Part of me wants to introduce myself as Jessica Cancer Survivor. Cancer is a huge thing and I did it, shouldn't I get a high five or something? That's probably wrong of me to think. On the other side of it I don't want people to know because people are ignorant and will probably think it was breast cancer or couldn't of been that bad because I survived. As a kid I remember thinking that cancer was a death sentence, and maybe back then it was, but it was scary and I feared it.
I am just thankful for the group of friends I have made during this experience. Without them I would be lost and alone. They help me get through these troubled times. I guess I can just continue to take things one day at a time and wait for the tides to turn. Until then let the hauntings continue.
