Well I received a call from the radiologist that was looking at my last scan and he seems to think it would be a good idea to do radiation rather than wait. I have an appointment with him in about two weeks so he can plead his case. I was set on waiting and watching for a few months. In the end it is up to me but I don't want to be responsible for that decision. I would rather believe the doctors are looking out for my best interest, which you can never be too sure. I have been in what seems like good hands up till this point. It's just depressing, I was hoping that I would have a clear scan and be done with this but I guess my battle isn't quite over yet. This will just be another chapter in the book of Kraft.
My work hours are 9:30-7:30 most days which will mean I will have to be at radiation at about 8 or 8:30 every morning to do radiation. The last plan I had talked about was to do radiation daily for 18 days. The word on the street is that radiation is much easier than chemo but still has its side effects and down sides. I have read that it really packs a punch towards the end. Your body gets weak and really tired. Which if that is the case will suck when working such long work hours. But I am awesome and will do it all because well I am an adult and don't have any other choice.
On the bright side I feel great. I am having a semi successful week at my new branch. I still have anxiety and worry about every little thing but that's probably just normal and not cancer related but I feel like I can blame everything on cancer these days. I am tired, cancer. My feet hurt, cancer. My car ran out of gas, cancer. My cat scratched my hand, cancer. Its legit. You should try it sometime. Nah just kidding. My hair is still growing in nicely which is nice. That was redundant, my apologies.
I still feel like something is missing in my life. It just feels off. I can't really put my finger on it but I don't like it. I guess I will still just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. After all, I had cancer, how much worse could it get?
P.S. World, don't take that as a challenge!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
To Limbo or not to Limbo....
Today was the day I had been waiting for since I finished chemo nearly 2 months ago. I had my follow up appointment to get my pet scan results. Actually let me take us back to last Thursday..... I get off work and am heading to meet friends for dinner when I answer my voice mail and there in my inbox is a call from my doctor. Oh no. The dreaded call before the appointment means its something that can't wait. Uhg my heart sank and a tear fell from my eye because I knew it wouldn't be good news. Sure enough my doctor had advised that the spot we had been worried about was still there. To make it worse he advised he would be out of the office all weekend. So I was left to interpret this voice mail however my mind wanted. Deep down I think I knew I wasn't done just yet. I had been in a limbo for almost two months without closure, without any for sure sign this was over. I then went the weekend mulling over what my next step would be. Radiation or no radiation? More chemo? Just wait and see? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN??
Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.
On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.
Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!
Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!
Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.
On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.
Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!
Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
I don't know what to title this...
I feel like it has been a while since I posted anything. I know you devoted readers are probably shaking in anticipation. Its okay you can relax here we go! I have been super busy since I have been back to work. A lot of my days are about 9 or 10 hours at work and I am beat afterwards. I am glad to be back as it distracts me from everything else but being back at work has its own worries. I believe in my last post I stated how I was a floater and trying to find a permanent branch to work in, well I now have a permanent spot. I was offered my role at an in store branch about 20-30 minutes from my house depending on traffic. I am looking forward to it as it is really small which will give me the opportunity to learn a lot and quickly. I was also told I will be trained and molded so I can work my way up the corporate ladder, there are plans in the making, I won't go into much detail on that right now. My last day at my old branch is Friday and I already have people saying they are sad to see me go. I just met most of these people two weeks ago and already they will miss me, it makes me feel appreciated. I still get anxious and worried about going to work. I expect too much from myself. I expect to know everything and be a pro immediately and I feel that because I am not my boss will want to fire me. That doesn't make any sense does it? I am doing a great job for how long I have been back and I continue to get better but yet my mind likes to tell me that I suck and can't do my job correctly. Its a hot mess in my mind.
Well today I had my follow up petscan. This was my first scan since I completed chemo. It has been about 6 weeks since I finished chemo and this whole time I have acted like I won. Did I celebrate too soon? Did I jinx it? Everyone keeps saying I beat it but in reality I just finished chemotherapy. I have not been told I am cured, or that there is no evidence of disease, or that I beat it, or that I even won. I have been sitting in limbo for 6 weeks. For all I know this was just a mini chemotherapy vacation and I will have to start up again or do an even harsher treatment. I get my results on Monday so we will see. Fun fact next Monday I have 4 doctors appointments! Yes maybe even 5 still waiting to here from one. But damn I bet you have never had that many doctors appointments in one day, so I win.
Today as I was sitting in the lonely radioactive room waiting for my radioactive juice to go through my body before my scan I just got really depressed. My short hair makes me look like a boy. My eye lashes are not coming back and I am worried they may never come back. My eyebrows are growing in black and bushy like Eugene Levy eyebrows! I miss my long hair a lot. I just do not look like myself anymore, its like I am a new person. Well I guess I am a new person. My old body tried to kill me so I guess I am glad that bitch is gone and now the new lesbian looking me is here to save the day! I guess its never good to reminisce and look at old pictures when you are sad because that will just make it worse. Oh well, too late, did it.
I feel like something is missing in my life. I don't know what it is, I feel like I have everything I need or want at the moment. I have my job, my health, friends, my own place, my cats.... Maybe it is just me being in limbo not knowing if I really beat cancer yet. I will always be in limbo though, between every scan I will be wondering if the cancer is back and that's no way to live. I guess it will just take time to accept that this is my life now and I cant spend all my time worrying about the what ifs. Is that what is missing though? Me knowing if I am cured or not? Time will tell.
I thought I had more to say because today was a rough day but I just can't get anything else out. Maybe after the slew of doctors appointments and follow ups I have next week I will have something more exciting to say. Maybe good news even. Till then folks....
Friday, July 11, 2014
The Real World is Real...
Well I have officially completed my first full week back at work since completing chemo. I was anxious and nervous and, well, I still am but I guess the week went pretty well. I am tired and my feet hurt from wearing heels all day but I guess its not too bad. A few people suggested I start off part time till I adjust and see how I handle it. First, that wasn't an option for me. Second, I would have to be full time at some point might as well jump into it full speed.
I returned to my branch that I started at when I first moved to Washington to fill in till I find a permanent home as I have been replaced. I am still considered new and in training because I didn't get to complete that all before I had to go on my leave. Of course in my mind they replaced me for someone who is experienced versus a sick girl that doesn't know crap. But my therapist says thats probably not true they just had to fill the position. Sure sure. So because I don't remember anything from my few months I am just doing any busy work they can throw my direction. I am okay with that because it actually is helping me learn and it gets me off my feet sometimes. (I would like to mention I had cancer longer than I was in my new position.) But I would also like to refresh and get back into doing my duties so I don't feel completely incompetent. Its bad enough I get looked at as the sick girl with cancer but now I feel like I get looked at as the sick girl who can't do her job. Again my therapist says thats probably not what they are saying. BUT we all know how people are so theres a chance some of them are thinking that.
Throughout the week I felt pretty good about getting back into the real world and working again. It helped me keep my mind off of everything else which is a nice change. My cancer thoughts definitely decreased about 75 percent. Now my thoughts focus on how much I suck at my job and how much I have to catch up on. It isn't fun feeling incompetent and looking pathetic at the same time. I had a customer ask if I was a cancer survivor and then if I had kids and when I said I don't have kids she responded with "Well thats good." Because I'll die soon and not leave a helpless child behind, thanks. I also had a man tell me I had fat, black man fingers. I know the chemo turned my hands darker and I gained weight but I didn't think they were burnt sausages! I was also asked if I just came back from maternity leave. So either I look like I gave birth or thats the only reason she thought people go on leaves from work.
Up until today I was positive and happy about getting back into the real world but today it hit me that the real world is REAL! Its happening. I have responsibilities again. I have to set my alarm everyday. I have to pay rent. I have to work 10 hour days. I have to work Saturdays. I have to face people with my bald head and no eyebrows everyday. I have to deal with looks and comments. I am waiting for that one snobby lady to come into my branch and say that I look like some hooligan with my bald head and shouldn't have a job in a bank. Thats when I will show her all my tattoos and piercings and shout TIMES HAVE CHANGED OLD WOMAN AND I BEAT CANCER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh if only I could say that. That probably won't happen but like I said before we all know how people are so theres a chance it will happen.
Also I joined another dating site. YUP. I posted a picture of me looking smoking hot with my bald head just so I don't have to be like oh btw I'm bald and beat cancer have a nice life. I am surprised by how many people like the look. Not surprised by how many people don't like the look. One guy even said a requirement was to have hair. Once again it was fun to look and see whats out there but I keep coming back to the fact that online dating isn't for me. Its something to do while I am on the toilet I guess but other than that I know I wont meet prince charming on a dating site, especially a free one. I am still holding out for that romantic, spontaneous moment while I am out doing something exciting. But how can that happen when I work all the time and have follow up appointments in my spare time? Oh well at least I come home to two cats that crave my attention.
After all of this I did have a bit of a break down today. Everything is just coming full circle and I feel a little defeated and incapable of living in the real world again. It was kind of easier having cancer and only having to worry about if I will live to see the next day. Now I gotta worry about paying bills, if I will get fired, did that guy on the dating site not write me back because I am bald, what if the cancer comes back, when will I get to sleep in, did I lock my door before I left, will I die alone, when will I do laundry, have I walked around with a smeared eyebrow all day, I hope nobody can tell my pants can't button. Yikes!!! Well thats what my week as felt like and it can only get better..... right???
I returned to my branch that I started at when I first moved to Washington to fill in till I find a permanent home as I have been replaced. I am still considered new and in training because I didn't get to complete that all before I had to go on my leave. Of course in my mind they replaced me for someone who is experienced versus a sick girl that doesn't know crap. But my therapist says thats probably not true they just had to fill the position. Sure sure. So because I don't remember anything from my few months I am just doing any busy work they can throw my direction. I am okay with that because it actually is helping me learn and it gets me off my feet sometimes. (I would like to mention I had cancer longer than I was in my new position.) But I would also like to refresh and get back into doing my duties so I don't feel completely incompetent. Its bad enough I get looked at as the sick girl with cancer but now I feel like I get looked at as the sick girl who can't do her job. Again my therapist says thats probably not what they are saying. BUT we all know how people are so theres a chance some of them are thinking that.
Throughout the week I felt pretty good about getting back into the real world and working again. It helped me keep my mind off of everything else which is a nice change. My cancer thoughts definitely decreased about 75 percent. Now my thoughts focus on how much I suck at my job and how much I have to catch up on. It isn't fun feeling incompetent and looking pathetic at the same time. I had a customer ask if I was a cancer survivor and then if I had kids and when I said I don't have kids she responded with "Well thats good." Because I'll die soon and not leave a helpless child behind, thanks. I also had a man tell me I had fat, black man fingers. I know the chemo turned my hands darker and I gained weight but I didn't think they were burnt sausages! I was also asked if I just came back from maternity leave. So either I look like I gave birth or thats the only reason she thought people go on leaves from work.
Up until today I was positive and happy about getting back into the real world but today it hit me that the real world is REAL! Its happening. I have responsibilities again. I have to set my alarm everyday. I have to pay rent. I have to work 10 hour days. I have to work Saturdays. I have to face people with my bald head and no eyebrows everyday. I have to deal with looks and comments. I am waiting for that one snobby lady to come into my branch and say that I look like some hooligan with my bald head and shouldn't have a job in a bank. Thats when I will show her all my tattoos and piercings and shout TIMES HAVE CHANGED OLD WOMAN AND I BEAT CANCER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh if only I could say that. That probably won't happen but like I said before we all know how people are so theres a chance it will happen.
Also I joined another dating site. YUP. I posted a picture of me looking smoking hot with my bald head just so I don't have to be like oh btw I'm bald and beat cancer have a nice life. I am surprised by how many people like the look. Not surprised by how many people don't like the look. One guy even said a requirement was to have hair. Once again it was fun to look and see whats out there but I keep coming back to the fact that online dating isn't for me. Its something to do while I am on the toilet I guess but other than that I know I wont meet prince charming on a dating site, especially a free one. I am still holding out for that romantic, spontaneous moment while I am out doing something exciting. But how can that happen when I work all the time and have follow up appointments in my spare time? Oh well at least I come home to two cats that crave my attention.
After all of this I did have a bit of a break down today. Everything is just coming full circle and I feel a little defeated and incapable of living in the real world again. It was kind of easier having cancer and only having to worry about if I will live to see the next day. Now I gotta worry about paying bills, if I will get fired, did that guy on the dating site not write me back because I am bald, what if the cancer comes back, when will I get to sleep in, did I lock my door before I left, will I die alone, when will I do laundry, have I walked around with a smeared eyebrow all day, I hope nobody can tell my pants can't button. Yikes!!! Well thats what my week as felt like and it can only get better..... right???
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Anxiety about real life...
Tomorrow I go back to work after being on a 6 month sabbatical. I have been counting down the days in angst. Part of me is excited to get back to real life and part of me feels like I am not ready. I miss working and I miss having a purpose in the world. But am I ready? Can I do it? Probably, because I am awesome. It will be like riding a bike and just gotta refresh my mind and pick back up where I left off! But why is it so scary? I was only doing my new job for 3 months before I had to go on leave. I was just learning and catching on in the first place. So to go back its like I am starting new all over again. The stress! The worry! But alas it wont be as bad as having cancer so I should be able to handle it. It is just a job and not the end of the world.
Having to set my alarm and pick out an outfit for tomorrow kind of feels like the last 6 months didn't even happen. Was I really sick and in the hospital every other week? Oh of course I was because I have no hair. Silly me! I am dreading having to wear a head scarf to work. I refuse to wear a wig because I feel like its obviously a wig and not my hair and people will talk and whisper and wonder why I would be wearing a wig. So if I wear a headscarf its just obvious somethings wrong and I have no hair. As soon as my hair looks semi normal I will probably just rock the buzz cut. Hopefully the bank is okay with it.
On a side note I joined a dating site because everyone and their mom has done a dating site and has seemed to have "success." And by success I mean they found someone, not necessarily a good someone but enough for them. Anyways I uploaded a picture of me with my bald head and just left it at that. As I figured would happen about 95% of the men that messaged me asked why I had a buzz cut. Some replied with oh I thought it was due to cancer but didn't want to assume. It seems a girl cant have a shaved head without being sick or being famous. But I was quite surprised at how many men think a bald head is attractive. It did give me a little bit of a confidence boost. But I also realized that once again I would much rather meet someone walking down the street. Online dating is the way things are done these days though.
Back to going back to work. I feel like it might be a time for a change. I realize that banking is not where I want to be. The hours and the schedule just do not fit into my post cancer life plan. I want time to be able to do things. Banking hours does not allow for that. I know that a job is hard to come by these days so I am in no way being picky. But I do think we all have the choice to find something that makes us happy and content with our lives. I will take it one day at a time though and see what opportunities present themselves. Having cancer has opened my eyes to a lot. And I just want to say that you too should do what makes you happy. We only get one life and you do not know how long you have so you should do what makes you happy. Its just not worth it to not be happy.
I probably wont sleep at all tonight because of all the anxiety for tomorrow. I no longer get to sleep in. I no longer get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I was pretty spoiled the last 6 months. Yeah sure I had cancer, was sick, weak, tired, immune compromised but I got to sleep a lot and didn't have to work. That's all most people ask for. I should be happy that I am healthy and able to get back to real life but I feel off. I guess we will see how tomorrow goes. There will probably be a blog on it so just a heads up. I guess I will just lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Yikes.
Having to set my alarm and pick out an outfit for tomorrow kind of feels like the last 6 months didn't even happen. Was I really sick and in the hospital every other week? Oh of course I was because I have no hair. Silly me! I am dreading having to wear a head scarf to work. I refuse to wear a wig because I feel like its obviously a wig and not my hair and people will talk and whisper and wonder why I would be wearing a wig. So if I wear a headscarf its just obvious somethings wrong and I have no hair. As soon as my hair looks semi normal I will probably just rock the buzz cut. Hopefully the bank is okay with it.
On a side note I joined a dating site because everyone and their mom has done a dating site and has seemed to have "success." And by success I mean they found someone, not necessarily a good someone but enough for them. Anyways I uploaded a picture of me with my bald head and just left it at that. As I figured would happen about 95% of the men that messaged me asked why I had a buzz cut. Some replied with oh I thought it was due to cancer but didn't want to assume. It seems a girl cant have a shaved head without being sick or being famous. But I was quite surprised at how many men think a bald head is attractive. It did give me a little bit of a confidence boost. But I also realized that once again I would much rather meet someone walking down the street. Online dating is the way things are done these days though.
Back to going back to work. I feel like it might be a time for a change. I realize that banking is not where I want to be. The hours and the schedule just do not fit into my post cancer life plan. I want time to be able to do things. Banking hours does not allow for that. I know that a job is hard to come by these days so I am in no way being picky. But I do think we all have the choice to find something that makes us happy and content with our lives. I will take it one day at a time though and see what opportunities present themselves. Having cancer has opened my eyes to a lot. And I just want to say that you too should do what makes you happy. We only get one life and you do not know how long you have so you should do what makes you happy. Its just not worth it to not be happy.
I probably wont sleep at all tonight because of all the anxiety for tomorrow. I no longer get to sleep in. I no longer get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I was pretty spoiled the last 6 months. Yeah sure I had cancer, was sick, weak, tired, immune compromised but I got to sleep a lot and didn't have to work. That's all most people ask for. I should be happy that I am healthy and able to get back to real life but I feel off. I guess we will see how tomorrow goes. There will probably be a blog on it so just a heads up. I guess I will just lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Yikes.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Forever Alone
These days I just don't feel like myself. I have gained weight and lost all my hair. Most days I feel like a really butch lesbian. I just don't feel "pretty" anymore. Which in turn makes me feel like I will be single for the rest of my life. Who knows how long that will be. I read an article once that discussed how men prefer woman with long hair. How they find short hair to be a turn off and too masculine. That is what always stopped me from cutting my hair too short, I didn't want to be unattractive to men. Yes, that's really silly. Now I am pretty much bald and not by choice. What man would like a bald girl. Sure if they knew it was from cancer and that I plan on growing it out maybe they wouldn't mind. That is, if they could look past my really short hair to begin with. I get the impression that most guys either look me over thinking I am a lesbian or some weird hipster. If hair matters that much or if they are that quick to judge I probably wouldn't be interested in them anyways but lets face it that's how society is these days. They just can't help passing judgement on everything and everyone.
This is a tough time in my life anyways. I just had a big battle with cancer and am now trying to get my life to be "normal"again, maybe I shouldn't be dating yet. I am not forcing it and I am not actively looking for my future husband. I am hoping that it will just happen, like magic. I guess I will just have to wait for my hair to grow to a feminine length and lose my cancer weight and become "datable" again. Well by "datable" I mean.... well actually I don't know what I mean by that. Maybe I mean confident. Yes I want to become confident again. I guess I shouldn't care what people think and just do whatever I want and be comfortable in my flabby skin. But nope. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back at me which is tough. Let me say that I look great for someone who just went through 5 months of chemotherapy because "I don't look sick." Yeah, Yeah I didn't shrivel to a twig and become pale and frail. But my body did change. Anyways my point is I feel like a different person and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need one of those books they gave us when we hit puberty. "So Your Body Is Changing A Young Girls Guide To Growing Up." Except it needs to be called "So Your Body Just Tried To Kill You And Now You Look Like A Lesbian." That is actually not a bad idea. I called it! My IDEA!
The point of this post was that I just feel like nobody will ever want to date me. I am in a new state which makes it hard to meet people as it is. I just had cancer. I have no hair on my head. I will be working a lot. Where will I meet people? Will they look past the short hair? Will they look past my near death experience? Will they look past my roid rage? Will they look past all the scars? Will they look past my two cats? But seriously will they look past my roid rage, because that shits serious.
On a side note I am getting evaluated for a therapist. So that's fun and there will probably be a post or two on that whole thing. Cancer really fucks a person up. Don't get me wrong I have my good moments too but I am not going to sugar coat this whole thing just to make it sound like I am a hero. I got really sick and did what I had to do to survive. And now I am stuck with all the side effects and issues after going through something like that.
Also I go back to work on Monday. So we will see how that goes after 6 months of not working. I hope I remember how to be a responsible adult that works full time. Fingers crossed!
This is a tough time in my life anyways. I just had a big battle with cancer and am now trying to get my life to be "normal"again, maybe I shouldn't be dating yet. I am not forcing it and I am not actively looking for my future husband. I am hoping that it will just happen, like magic. I guess I will just have to wait for my hair to grow to a feminine length and lose my cancer weight and become "datable" again. Well by "datable" I mean.... well actually I don't know what I mean by that. Maybe I mean confident. Yes I want to become confident again. I guess I shouldn't care what people think and just do whatever I want and be comfortable in my flabby skin. But nope. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back at me which is tough. Let me say that I look great for someone who just went through 5 months of chemotherapy because "I don't look sick." Yeah, Yeah I didn't shrivel to a twig and become pale and frail. But my body did change. Anyways my point is I feel like a different person and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need one of those books they gave us when we hit puberty. "So Your Body Is Changing A Young Girls Guide To Growing Up." Except it needs to be called "So Your Body Just Tried To Kill You And Now You Look Like A Lesbian." That is actually not a bad idea. I called it! My IDEA!
The point of this post was that I just feel like nobody will ever want to date me. I am in a new state which makes it hard to meet people as it is. I just had cancer. I have no hair on my head. I will be working a lot. Where will I meet people? Will they look past the short hair? Will they look past my near death experience? Will they look past my roid rage? Will they look past all the scars? Will they look past my two cats? But seriously will they look past my roid rage, because that shits serious.
On a side note I am getting evaluated for a therapist. So that's fun and there will probably be a post or two on that whole thing. Cancer really fucks a person up. Don't get me wrong I have my good moments too but I am not going to sugar coat this whole thing just to make it sound like I am a hero. I got really sick and did what I had to do to survive. And now I am stuck with all the side effects and issues after going through something like that.
Also I go back to work on Monday. So we will see how that goes after 6 months of not working. I hope I remember how to be a responsible adult that works full time. Fingers crossed!
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