Heartbreak...

I have always heard people talk about their heart breaks. They said that they felt empty and their heart actually hurt. I have had my fair share of heart break and thought it was pretty rough. I understood that feeling of your heart actually hurting. But I have recently experienced true heart break. It ached deep in my body. I felt my heart just cracking and crumbling and I had a hard time finding a breath. This was a different pain. This was real and never ending. It consumed me and overwhelmed my senses. The world just faded away and all I could feel was the pain of this heartbreak. It happened all at once. No it wasn't a boy. No I didn't have a fight with a best friend. The moment I had to say my goodbyes to my grandmother was the moment my heart broke.

Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.

I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.

Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.

Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.

Jacqueline Frances King 

October 31st 1936- October 16th 2014