Am I Surviving Wrong?

"I knew someone that had cancer and when they beat it they had a new outlook on life." That is something that is said to me quite often. Not exactly that way every time but that general idea. I personally know people that have taken life by the horns after their diagnoses and never looked back. There are some that are taking their experiences and helping others. There are some who said fuck it and are traveling the world and saying YES to every opportunity. There are some that just see the happiness in the world and no longer fret the little things because they lived, they survived. There is no greater gift than a second chance.

What about me? What about the others? I also know my fare share of those who look at their diagnoses like why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve cancer? Some remain bitter. Some can't find that new sense of normal. Some are permanently damaged. Am I one of those permanently damaged cancer survivors? I didn't have it too bad. I did my year of time and I bounced back pretty well. It looks like I bounced back anyways. I almost have that pre cancer body but I credit that to my metabolism. I went back to work. I joined sports teams. I dated (and eventually got engaged!) But in the back of my mind I know I am not the same as I was before. And I had hoped all through my treatment that I would come out of it a changed and more grateful person. I beat cancer I should have had an epiphany or realized my dreams and went after them. I should enjoy the sun rising and I should be grateful I woke up this morning. I should. But sometimes I'm miserable. Am I surviving wrong?

Some might think so. Some might think I am not enjoying my 2nd chance and that someone else who didn't get one would have enjoyed it more than me. Is this survivors guilt I feel? I have no right to complain because I survived. If I walked by you on the crowded street you wouldn't know I had cancer and almost died. So why am I upset? I should have dropped everything and ran to another country, explored something new and celebrated my 2nd chance. Instead I was eager to get back to normal but that normal I remember isn't my normal anymore. And now that I have that "normal" I can't help but think I'm surviving wrong. I am plagued with thoughts of reoccurrence daily. Followed by guilt that I have no right to think that because my cancer was the good kind and I'll be fine. Which comes to a screeching halt when I realize my thoughts are valid because I had cancer dammit. Then I tell myself to stop being a drama queen.

Then I think of people who have had cancer and hide it away like it never happened. Once again I feel guilty and think that I am just seeking attention and I should hide it away and never talk about it. But then those freaking thoughts come back and it starts the vicious cycle all over agin. I remember how the chemo tasted. I remember having a weird reaction to the Zofran which I dreaded more than the chemo. I remember the aches all over my body and it hurt to lay down. It hurt to be hugged. It just hurt. I don't want to do that again. I wouldn't wish that on anybody let alone someone who already went through it and knows what to be scared of.

After all of that I should be a giant ball of light and joy. But I am not. Am I surviving wrong? Or am I surviving the best I can. And you are surviving the best you can. And we are all doing our very best and doing what we think is right. There are no right or wrong ways to survive. Each person battles their own demons and it is up to them to conquer those demons. Life is just one epic war and we fight battles along the way and hope to see another day. Life is precious. Whether you have had cancer or not, make sure you are surviving and thriving. Just remember how you survive may not be the way the person next to you survives. If I must have a gloomy day here and there and let the bad thoughts take over then I will. I will write a blog about it and share it and hope that there is someone out there reading this and they say "So I'm not the only one, this is normal." I hope those questioning if they are surviving right realize its okay to have the guilt. Its okay to not be a ball of light and joy after surviving cancer. Cancer is a big deal and unfortunately a lot of our dear friends don't win the battle but those of us that do we are plagued with the memories and reminders. Sometimes we are reminded to cherish life and live to the fullest. And sometimes, just sometimes, we are reminded that death is lurking in the shadows and what happens if we bump into each other again?




"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."