6/17/2014
I'm sitting in my car typing this on my phone on my California vacation. First because I'm bored and second I feel like it's been a while since I posted last. I have had a lot of emotions since finishing chemo. I just feel lost in life. What is my plan now? I know my last blog dabbled on the "what now" aspect of things but I'm still boggled by it. I have panic attacks thinking about getting back to the real world. Part of me thinks it's all a waste. Why should I move into my own place, pay bills, go back to work if I'm just gonna get cancer again. I know I just have to remain positive and take one day at a time. Which I am trying to. It's only been about a week since my last chemo but I just don't know what to do.
I am enjoying a small vacation in my hometown in California. My mother who has been my caretaker since January has been in Washington this whole time with me. She completed her journey and had to come home so I came with her. I've been out of the antelope valley for almost a year and I missed all my friends and I really missed the familiarity and routine of this place. But now that I am back.... Meh. I am so over this place. I'll visit because I have 24 years of history and family here but I don't see myself getting sucked back in by choice. I have outgrown the Antelope Valley and it's people.
I'm ready to start over again in Washington. Let's try this time without cancer. Going back to work is nerve wrecking! My life will forever be doctors appointments now. What if my boss doesn't approve. I don't even know if I want to do my job anymore. Is it a good fit? Should I do something else? Something different? It's my life and I should enjoy what I'm doing. Time will tell.
I hope I find a path soon. Right now I feel like I am just wandering around lost. I had a plan before all this cancer crap. I guess this is a time to start over and do what I want to. Cancer changes everything. I mean everything!!!
6/24/2014
Here I am on a plane writing a blog. I feel like there is a lot I haven't discussed from the last few weeks. Time to update you all! As you are all aware from previous posts I was having some lung issues. I was scheduled for a bronchoscopy the day after my last chemo. I reported to the hospital bright and early. It was a quick outpatient procedure. I was sedated and all I really remember is coughing and the doctor shouting "she needs more sedation!" So that was fun. The medicine they used to numb my throat and nose was gross. I had to snort the medicine into my nose which was not fun so I only imagine tweekers not having much fun when snorting drugs, but I could be wrong.
I was prescribed a heavy dose of antibiotics, 6 grape sized pills a day. These were in case I had pneumonia. After one day of those I felt like I was hit by a train, I felt worse than after chemo. Needless to say I wasn't much help when it came to moving me into my new apartment. Luckily I have some swell family and friends that helped me speed move.
I had a follow up appointment two days after my bronchoscopy and the doctor advised I didn't have pneumonia just a small generic infection which could be nothing so she dropped my antibiotics to two pills a day and guaranteed I wouldn't feel like a train hit me. I was also prescribed 40mg of Prednisone daily for at least 3 months. It turns out I indeed had lung damage from the Bleomycin. Steroids for a few months should fix that right up. In the mean time people have to deal with my roid rage.
Other than all of that things to be going pretty well. I am two weeks out from my last chemo. This is my first week in almost 6 months I haven't needed chemo. My body is pretty excited. I enjoyed a splendid vacation in California and am now ready to get back to a "normal" life. I start work in about two weeks which is enough time for my immune system to work it's way back up. From here out it's check ups and scans and a final decision on whether I will need radiation or not. Fingers crossed that all the cancer is completely gone and I can just attempt to move on and get stronger and stronger.
Side note, I am writing this on my phone on my flight home and there is a hottie passed out next to me. Pretty sure he's my soul mate.
Anyways, these next few months will be a tough adjustment. I am going back to living by myself in a semi new place. My mother is back in California which is sad. But I have done this before I can do it again. Starting all over again! Let's put these last 6 months behind us and start fresh with a new an improved outlook on life!
6/28/2014
So I recently had a follow up with my Pulmonologist and she said I am responding to the steroids really well so they are going to start weening me off of them over the next few months. So I am hoping that with a good scan in a few weeks I will be on the right track to being "normal" and "healthy." I am also looking forward to joining the gym again and get my body back to how it was before cancer. But my biggest dilemma is going to the gym with a bald head. I could wear a beanie but man will that be hot. I know I shouldn't care but I have done a few things without a hat and just rocked the bald (actually it's not that bald its more of a baby peach fuzz) and I get weird looks. People get concerned and I know they want to ask questions. I just feel really self conscious about my looks at the moment. I don't look like myself anymore. I have gained weight, lost my tone and muscle, lost my hair, lost my eyebrows, lost my eyelashes, lost my sense of self. I even feel like I have lost my sense of independence. I feel like I do not know how to take care of myself. I catch myself longing for someone to take care of me. I am like a lost puppy.
I am also having a hard time adjusting back to the real world. I have looked into a therapist and am hoping to start that soon. It would be nice to talk to someone about getting back to real life after an event like cancer. It is harder than one would think to get back to how things were because the bottom line is things will never be the same. Ever.
I have done some really exciting things the last few days which gave me moments of euphoria. I would stop and think to myself "this is what life is about, enjoying every moment and absorbing the little things." I went white water rafting and wasn't scared at all, in fact it was super exhilarating. Pre cancer Jessica probably would have skipped on that opportunity. I also went to a Mariners game here in Seattle. I have been to baseball games before but this one I just enjoyed and didn't give a fuck about anything. There was a firework show afterwards and it started raining. I just looked up and watched and tuned the rest of the world out. I couldn't help but just smile from ear to ear and be happy to be alive. Moments like that make me incredibly happy and thankful for everything. But those moments are followed fast by complete opposite feelings. Panic and anger and worry. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. No matter what happens I can handle it and get through it but most of the time its just a quick fix until the feelings become overwhelming and I shut down.
M posts may start getting few and far between, as I stated before I feel like my life is no longer exciting. I am more than willing to share the after effects of cancer on a young adult but lets be real half of you only read this to probably get your daily dose of "well at least my life isn't as bad as hers." Or maybe you read it and think that I am a pansy ass chump and need to stop complaining. Oh well either way you are reading my blog so thats cool I guess. I wish I could say that life is great and I am just so happy, lucky, and blessed to be alive but most of the time I don't feel that way. Its a tough road after cancer. I can't be strong. I can't be a hero. But I can be honest and truthful.
6/28/2014
So I recently had a follow up with my Pulmonologist and she said I am responding to the steroids really well so they are going to start weening me off of them over the next few months. So I am hoping that with a good scan in a few weeks I will be on the right track to being "normal" and "healthy." I am also looking forward to joining the gym again and get my body back to how it was before cancer. But my biggest dilemma is going to the gym with a bald head. I could wear a beanie but man will that be hot. I know I shouldn't care but I have done a few things without a hat and just rocked the bald (actually it's not that bald its more of a baby peach fuzz) and I get weird looks. People get concerned and I know they want to ask questions. I just feel really self conscious about my looks at the moment. I don't look like myself anymore. I have gained weight, lost my tone and muscle, lost my hair, lost my eyebrows, lost my eyelashes, lost my sense of self. I even feel like I have lost my sense of independence. I feel like I do not know how to take care of myself. I catch myself longing for someone to take care of me. I am like a lost puppy.
I am also having a hard time adjusting back to the real world. I have looked into a therapist and am hoping to start that soon. It would be nice to talk to someone about getting back to real life after an event like cancer. It is harder than one would think to get back to how things were because the bottom line is things will never be the same. Ever.
I have done some really exciting things the last few days which gave me moments of euphoria. I would stop and think to myself "this is what life is about, enjoying every moment and absorbing the little things." I went white water rafting and wasn't scared at all, in fact it was super exhilarating. Pre cancer Jessica probably would have skipped on that opportunity. I also went to a Mariners game here in Seattle. I have been to baseball games before but this one I just enjoyed and didn't give a fuck about anything. There was a firework show afterwards and it started raining. I just looked up and watched and tuned the rest of the world out. I couldn't help but just smile from ear to ear and be happy to be alive. Moments like that make me incredibly happy and thankful for everything. But those moments are followed fast by complete opposite feelings. Panic and anger and worry. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. No matter what happens I can handle it and get through it but most of the time its just a quick fix until the feelings become overwhelming and I shut down.
M posts may start getting few and far between, as I stated before I feel like my life is no longer exciting. I am more than willing to share the after effects of cancer on a young adult but lets be real half of you only read this to probably get your daily dose of "well at least my life isn't as bad as hers." Or maybe you read it and think that I am a pansy ass chump and need to stop complaining. Oh well either way you are reading my blog so thats cool I guess. I wish I could say that life is great and I am just so happy, lucky, and blessed to be alive but most of the time I don't feel that way. Its a tough road after cancer. I can't be strong. I can't be a hero. But I can be honest and truthful.
No comments:
Post a Comment