Now What

My last chemo was today. I have been eagerly awaiting this day and yet it feels like any other chemo day. It doesn't feel like I am done. I still feel sick and I still will feel sick for a few days. Which puts me in my normal chemo sadness slump. Which makes me hate life and get depressed. On top of that I have been having panic attacks about starting up my life again. I am completely lost. I don't know how to be normal. I am so used to being sick and limited, that is my new normal. I think I forgot how to do my job. I was only doing it for three months before I went on leave to fight cancer. Hopefully it is like riding a bicycle and I can remember quickly. I will be moving into my own place on Friday. That is scary as well. I used to be a strong, independent girl but I have had to rely on so many people the last few months that I think I forgot how to be independent! Cancer has ruined my life in so many ways. I am so lost. What do I do now? I have gotten used to the cancer agenda that now I do not know what to do. Now what? I guess as time goes on and I feel better and my hair starts growing back I may get happier and start to realize once again that I was given a second chance. 

This whole cancer thing is not even close to being over. The last two weeks I have had a cough and shortness of breath. The B in my ABVD chemo cocktail is known to cause lung damage and that was the theory so they stopped giving it to me these last two chemos. But upon this new side effect they ran a Pulmonary Function Test to see how my lungs were doing and it showed that my lung functionality was lower than before. Today before chemo I had a chest Xray done to rule out anything else. Well instead of ruling anything out it added more possibilities to the table. I then had a CT done after chemo which also added things to the table. So due to all of this I am scheduled for a bronchoscopy tomorrow to get to the bottom of my lung issues. I am leaving for California on Saturday and my doctors want to make sure I am healthy enough to go. They will be knocking me out and sticking a camera down my throat or nose to look around and possibly take a biopsy. So it is either just damage from the B, pneumonia or another lung infection. Either way it all sucks.

This week was jam packed of things for me to do. Chemo, sick days, movie and dinner dates, packing for Cali and packing and moving to my new place. Now because of these added issues things had to be cancelled and rearranged. That adds stress on top of all this as well. I also either have a head cold or really really bad allergies which makes me feel like poop. So overall this last chemo has not been pleasant. I guess in 2 weeks when I would normally go to chemo and realize I don't have to go I might get a little excited. By then I should be feeling a lot better. All these side effects should disappear slowly and my hair should start growing back. I am a little bummed that I will have to start shaving again! Bummer. I am also bummed about having a period, well maybe. There is a chance it may ever come back. Eye lashes will be nice also, gluing them on is kinda hard and tedious. But I guess I would rather bleed from my vagina than have to do chemo again. 

This whole experience has been something else. I am grateful to be given another chance at life. But I am also scared of what is to come. Will the cancer come back tomorrow? In 6 months? In 10 years? Its just a watch and wait game from here on out. Talk about stressful. I will never have the same body I had before. I have gained roughly 10 pounds and lost almost all the muscle in my body. The fit soccer body I once had is now a doughy, shapeless physique. I do not look like myself at all. I have a lot of work to do and I plan on getting fit again. Its pathetic I know but I do not like what I see in the mirror. Cancer stole almost everything but my life from me, fuck you cancer. 

It is all done and I still find myself asking "WHY ME?" Why anybody, I know. But I thought I was thrown enough curve balls in my life. I thought I had it hard enough already. Now I have cancer on top of it all! Damn. Almost everyone I run into or talk to says "You are too young to have this." Uummm? Thanks? Cancer doesn't care how young you are, how healthy you are or even who you are. It fucking sucks. I can just hope that this really is a second chance and that I have another 50 or so years on this earth. I have dreams and hopes. But then you hear about all these freak accidents, shootings, and car accidents and it really makes you realize that life could be gone in a second. It is quite depressing. On the other hand it gives me a fuck it attitude. Fuck all the bull shit. I am just gonna do what I wanna do because life is not guaranteed. Just have a good fucking time!

Fucking cancer, fucking fuck fuckity FUCK! I think I won for now though. So thats good. I have a pet scan in about 6 weeks to confirm I am clear. So we will wait and see. In the mean time I will get back to the real world, I guess. 

LAST CHEMO

LAST RED DEVIL FOREVER