These days I just don't feel like myself. I have gained weight and lost all my hair. Most days I feel like a really butch lesbian. I just don't feel "pretty" anymore. Which in turn makes me feel like I will be single for the rest of my life. Who knows how long that will be. I read an article once that discussed how men prefer woman with long hair. How they find short hair to be a turn off and too masculine. That is what always stopped me from cutting my hair too short, I didn't want to be unattractive to men. Yes, that's really silly. Now I am pretty much bald and not by choice. What man would like a bald girl. Sure if they knew it was from cancer and that I plan on growing it out maybe they wouldn't mind. That is, if they could look past my really short hair to begin with. I get the impression that most guys either look me over thinking I am a lesbian or some weird hipster. If hair matters that much or if they are that quick to judge I probably wouldn't be interested in them anyways but lets face it that's how society is these days. They just can't help passing judgement on everything and everyone.
This is a tough time in my life anyways. I just had a big battle with cancer and am now trying to get my life to be "normal"again, maybe I shouldn't be dating yet. I am not forcing it and I am not actively looking for my future husband. I am hoping that it will just happen, like magic. I guess I will just have to wait for my hair to grow to a feminine length and lose my cancer weight and become "datable" again. Well by "datable" I mean.... well actually I don't know what I mean by that. Maybe I mean confident. Yes I want to become confident again. I guess I shouldn't care what people think and just do whatever I want and be comfortable in my flabby skin. But nope. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back at me which is tough. Let me say that I look great for someone who just went through 5 months of chemotherapy because "I don't look sick." Yeah, Yeah I didn't shrivel to a twig and become pale and frail. But my body did change. Anyways my point is I feel like a different person and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need one of those books they gave us when we hit puberty. "So Your Body Is Changing A Young Girls Guide To Growing Up." Except it needs to be called "So Your Body Just Tried To Kill You And Now You Look Like A Lesbian." That is actually not a bad idea. I called it! My IDEA!
The point of this post was that I just feel like nobody will ever want to date me. I am in a new state which makes it hard to meet people as it is. I just had cancer. I have no hair on my head. I will be working a lot. Where will I meet people? Will they look past the short hair? Will they look past my near death experience? Will they look past my roid rage? Will they look past all the scars? Will they look past my two cats? But seriously will they look past my roid rage, because that shits serious.
On a side note I am getting evaluated for a therapist. So that's fun and there will probably be a post or two on that whole thing. Cancer really fucks a person up. Don't get me wrong I have my good moments too but I am not going to sugar coat this whole thing just to make it sound like I am a hero. I got really sick and did what I had to do to survive. And now I am stuck with all the side effects and issues after going through something like that.
Also I go back to work on Monday. So we will see how that goes after 6 months of not working. I hope I remember how to be a responsible adult that works full time. Fingers crossed!
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