Feel All The EMOTIONZ...

This is inspired by my other cancer warriors.

I have stated it before I am sure but I will state it again, having cancer is a damn roller coaster of emotions! Its up and down, left and right, flips, circles, backwards and every other which way. For me, it often comes in fast flashes of impending doom. A lot of the time it occurs while I am in the shower. Showers have a different meaning to me nowadays. Sure I use them to get clean but these days there isn't much to wash on my body so I found myself taking that time to think. The hot scolding water beating against my body is a therapeutic release when my body aches. But I also find myself getting lost in thoughts, getting lost in memories, getting lost in hope or just getting lost in emotions. While in the shower it is just me alone with calming music. There are no judgmental eyes looking for answers. There are no inquisitive eyes wondering how I am feeling. There are no pitiful looks of worry darting at me. And the only crying eyes are my own. 

I can just let my emotions flood out without being judged. Without friends and family feeling empathetic and joining in on the water works. Sometimes I just need to cry and get it out of my system. The thoughts of impending doom are flooding my eyes, my future slowly slips out of my grasp and I want to fall to my knees and weep till there is nothing left. When the Niagara Falls of tears has finished flooding my face I finally see things clearly again and the clouds begin to part. I am still here, still fighting. I have plans for the future and I once again get excited even if it is for a brief fleeting moment in time till the next down poor of emotions. 

There have been talks of PTSD after an experience like this. It is plausible and possible. Coming so close to death, shaking its hand saying nice to meet you I hope I don't have to see you again anytime soon. The stress and anxiety that hovers constantly over your day to day activities. Out of the corner of your eye you see the familiar face of death and in the moment of panic your heart skips a beat and a bead of sweat falls from your face. Suddenly you are nauseous and you feel Niagara Falls forming in your eyes. Not now, not while I am shopping for pie ingredients! The next day you are happy as can be looking forward to the future, enjoying time with friends. And once again for who knows how long, you are happy. 

I have high respect for all the warriors going through this. I have just started and already am overwhelmed. I can only imagine as the years go on and the longer you are healthy the scarier and more intense the roller coaster ride must be. I am lucky to have a great group of girls that will ride this roller coaster with me and hold my hand when it comes crashing down and I to hold theirs as well. We are in this together.