Today was the day I had been waiting for since I finished chemo nearly 2 months ago. I had my follow up appointment to get my pet scan results. Actually let me take us back to last Thursday..... I get off work and am heading to meet friends for dinner when I answer my voice mail and there in my inbox is a call from my doctor. Oh no. The dreaded call before the appointment means its something that can't wait. Uhg my heart sank and a tear fell from my eye because I knew it wouldn't be good news. Sure enough my doctor had advised that the spot we had been worried about was still there. To make it worse he advised he would be out of the office all weekend. So I was left to interpret this voice mail however my mind wanted. Deep down I think I knew I wasn't done just yet. I had been in a limbo for almost two months without closure, without any for sure sign this was over. I then went the weekend mulling over what my next step would be. Radiation or no radiation? More chemo? Just wait and see? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN??
Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.
On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.
Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!
Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!
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