Tomorrow I go back to work after being on a 6 month sabbatical. I have been counting down the days in angst. Part of me is excited to get back to real life and part of me feels like I am not ready. I miss working and I miss having a purpose in the world. But am I ready? Can I do it? Probably, because I am awesome. It will be like riding a bike and just gotta refresh my mind and pick back up where I left off! But why is it so scary? I was only doing my new job for 3 months before I had to go on leave. I was just learning and catching on in the first place. So to go back its like I am starting new all over again. The stress! The worry! But alas it wont be as bad as having cancer so I should be able to handle it. It is just a job and not the end of the world.
Having to set my alarm and pick out an outfit for tomorrow kind of feels like the last 6 months didn't even happen. Was I really sick and in the hospital every other week? Oh of course I was because I have no hair. Silly me! I am dreading having to wear a head scarf to work. I refuse to wear a wig because I feel like its obviously a wig and not my hair and people will talk and whisper and wonder why I would be wearing a wig. So if I wear a headscarf its just obvious somethings wrong and I have no hair. As soon as my hair looks semi normal I will probably just rock the buzz cut. Hopefully the bank is okay with it.
On a side note I joined a dating site because everyone and their mom has done a dating site and has seemed to have "success." And by success I mean they found someone, not necessarily a good someone but enough for them. Anyways I uploaded a picture of me with my bald head and just left it at that. As I figured would happen about 95% of the men that messaged me asked why I had a buzz cut. Some replied with oh I thought it was due to cancer but didn't want to assume. It seems a girl cant have a shaved head without being sick or being famous. But I was quite surprised at how many men think a bald head is attractive. It did give me a little bit of a confidence boost. But I also realized that once again I would much rather meet someone walking down the street. Online dating is the way things are done these days though.
Back to going back to work. I feel like it might be a time for a change. I realize that banking is not where I want to be. The hours and the schedule just do not fit into my post cancer life plan. I want time to be able to do things. Banking hours does not allow for that. I know that a job is hard to come by these days so I am in no way being picky. But I do think we all have the choice to find something that makes us happy and content with our lives. I will take it one day at a time though and see what opportunities present themselves. Having cancer has opened my eyes to a lot. And I just want to say that you too should do what makes you happy. We only get one life and you do not know how long you have so you should do what makes you happy. Its just not worth it to not be happy.
I probably wont sleep at all tonight because of all the anxiety for tomorrow. I no longer get to sleep in. I no longer get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I was pretty spoiled the last 6 months. Yeah sure I had cancer, was sick, weak, tired, immune compromised but I got to sleep a lot and didn't have to work. That's all most people ask for. I should be happy that I am healthy and able to get back to real life but I feel off. I guess we will see how tomorrow goes. There will probably be a blog on it so just a heads up. I guess I will just lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Yikes.
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