I don't know what to title this...

I feel like it has been a while since I posted anything. I know you devoted readers are probably shaking in anticipation. Its okay you can relax here we go! I have been super busy since I have been back to work.  A lot of my days are about 9 or 10 hours at work and I am beat afterwards. I am glad to be back as it distracts me from everything else but being back at work has its own worries. I believe in my last post I stated how I was a floater and trying to find a permanent branch to work in, well I now have a permanent spot. I was offered my role at an in store branch about 20-30 minutes from my house depending on traffic. I am looking forward to it as it is really small which will give me the opportunity to learn a lot and quickly. I was also told I will be trained and molded so I can work my way up the corporate ladder, there are plans in the making, I won't go into much detail on that right now. My last day at my old branch is Friday and I already have people saying they are sad to see me go. I just met most of these people two weeks ago and already they will miss me, it makes me feel appreciated. I still get anxious and worried about going to work. I expect too much from myself. I expect to know everything and be a pro immediately and I feel that because I am not my boss will want to fire me. That doesn't make any sense does it? I am doing a great job for how long I have been back and I continue to get better but yet my mind likes to tell me that I suck and can't do my job correctly. Its a hot mess in my mind. 

Well today I had my follow up petscan. This was my first scan since I completed chemo. It has been about 6 weeks since I finished chemo and this whole time I have acted like I won. Did I celebrate too soon? Did I jinx it? Everyone keeps saying I beat it but in reality I just finished chemotherapy. I have not been told I am cured, or that there is no evidence of disease, or that I beat it, or that I even won. I have been sitting in limbo for 6 weeks. For all I know this was just a mini chemotherapy vacation and I will have to start up again or do an even harsher treatment. I get my results on Monday so we will see. Fun fact next Monday I have 4 doctors appointments! Yes maybe even 5 still waiting to here from one. But damn I bet you have never had that many doctors appointments in one day, so I win. 

Today as I was sitting in the lonely radioactive room waiting for my radioactive juice to go through my body before my scan I just got really depressed. My short hair makes me look like a boy. My eye lashes are not coming back and I am worried they may never come back. My eyebrows are growing in black and bushy like Eugene Levy eyebrows! I miss my long hair a lot. I just do not look like myself anymore, its like I am a new person. Well I guess I am a new person. My old body tried to kill me so I guess I am glad that bitch is gone and now the new lesbian looking me is here to save the day! I guess its never good to reminisce and look at old pictures when you are sad because that will just make it worse. Oh well, too late, did it. 

I feel like something is missing in my life. I don't know what it is, I feel like I have everything I need or want at the moment. I have my job, my health, friends, my own place, my cats.... Maybe it is just me being in limbo not knowing if I really beat cancer yet. I will always be in limbo though, between every scan I will be wondering if the cancer is back and that's no way to live. I guess it will just take time to accept that this is my life now and I cant spend all my time worrying about the what ifs. Is that what is missing though? Me knowing if I am cured or not? Time will tell. 

I thought I had more to say because today was a rough day but I just can't get anything else out. Maybe after the slew of doctors appointments and follow ups I have next week I will have something more exciting to say. Maybe good news even. Till then folks....