Well I have officially completed my first full week back at work since completing chemo. I was anxious and nervous and, well, I still am but I guess the week went pretty well. I am tired and my feet hurt from wearing heels all day but I guess its not too bad. A few people suggested I start off part time till I adjust and see how I handle it. First, that wasn't an option for me. Second, I would have to be full time at some point might as well jump into it full speed.
I returned to my branch that I started at when I first moved to Washington to fill in till I find a permanent home as I have been replaced. I am still considered new and in training because I didn't get to complete that all before I had to go on my leave. Of course in my mind they replaced me for someone who is experienced versus a sick girl that doesn't know crap. But my therapist says thats probably not true they just had to fill the position. Sure sure. So because I don't remember anything from my few months I am just doing any busy work they can throw my direction. I am okay with that because it actually is helping me learn and it gets me off my feet sometimes. (I would like to mention I had cancer longer than I was in my new position.) But I would also like to refresh and get back into doing my duties so I don't feel completely incompetent. Its bad enough I get looked at as the sick girl with cancer but now I feel like I get looked at as the sick girl who can't do her job. Again my therapist says thats probably not what they are saying. BUT we all know how people are so theres a chance some of them are thinking that.
Throughout the week I felt pretty good about getting back into the real world and working again. It helped me keep my mind off of everything else which is a nice change. My cancer thoughts definitely decreased about 75 percent. Now my thoughts focus on how much I suck at my job and how much I have to catch up on. It isn't fun feeling incompetent and looking pathetic at the same time. I had a customer ask if I was a cancer survivor and then if I had kids and when I said I don't have kids she responded with "Well thats good." Because I'll die soon and not leave a helpless child behind, thanks. I also had a man tell me I had fat, black man fingers. I know the chemo turned my hands darker and I gained weight but I didn't think they were burnt sausages! I was also asked if I just came back from maternity leave. So either I look like I gave birth or thats the only reason she thought people go on leaves from work.
Up until today I was positive and happy about getting back into the real world but today it hit me that the real world is REAL! Its happening. I have responsibilities again. I have to set my alarm everyday. I have to pay rent. I have to work 10 hour days. I have to work Saturdays. I have to face people with my bald head and no eyebrows everyday. I have to deal with looks and comments. I am waiting for that one snobby lady to come into my branch and say that I look like some hooligan with my bald head and shouldn't have a job in a bank. Thats when I will show her all my tattoos and piercings and shout TIMES HAVE CHANGED OLD WOMAN AND I BEAT CANCER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh if only I could say that. That probably won't happen but like I said before we all know how people are so theres a chance it will happen.
Also I joined another dating site. YUP. I posted a picture of me looking smoking hot with my bald head just so I don't have to be like oh btw I'm bald and beat cancer have a nice life. I am surprised by how many people like the look. Not surprised by how many people don't like the look. One guy even said a requirement was to have hair. Once again it was fun to look and see whats out there but I keep coming back to the fact that online dating isn't for me. Its something to do while I am on the toilet I guess but other than that I know I wont meet prince charming on a dating site, especially a free one. I am still holding out for that romantic, spontaneous moment while I am out doing something exciting. But how can that happen when I work all the time and have follow up appointments in my spare time? Oh well at least I come home to two cats that crave my attention.
After all of this I did have a bit of a break down today. Everything is just coming full circle and I feel a little defeated and incapable of living in the real world again. It was kind of easier having cancer and only having to worry about if I will live to see the next day. Now I gotta worry about paying bills, if I will get fired, did that guy on the dating site not write me back because I am bald, what if the cancer comes back, when will I get to sleep in, did I lock my door before I left, will I die alone, when will I do laundry, have I walked around with a smeared eyebrow all day, I hope nobody can tell my pants can't button. Yikes!!! Well thats what my week as felt like and it can only get better..... right???
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