Feel All The EMOTIONZ...

This is inspired by my other cancer warriors.

I have stated it before I am sure but I will state it again, having cancer is a damn roller coaster of emotions! Its up and down, left and right, flips, circles, backwards and every other which way. For me, it often comes in fast flashes of impending doom. A lot of the time it occurs while I am in the shower. Showers have a different meaning to me nowadays. Sure I use them to get clean but these days there isn't much to wash on my body so I found myself taking that time to think. The hot scolding water beating against my body is a therapeutic release when my body aches. But I also find myself getting lost in thoughts, getting lost in memories, getting lost in hope or just getting lost in emotions. While in the shower it is just me alone with calming music. There are no judgmental eyes looking for answers. There are no inquisitive eyes wondering how I am feeling. There are no pitiful looks of worry darting at me. And the only crying eyes are my own. 

I can just let my emotions flood out without being judged. Without friends and family feeling empathetic and joining in on the water works. Sometimes I just need to cry and get it out of my system. The thoughts of impending doom are flooding my eyes, my future slowly slips out of my grasp and I want to fall to my knees and weep till there is nothing left. When the Niagara Falls of tears has finished flooding my face I finally see things clearly again and the clouds begin to part. I am still here, still fighting. I have plans for the future and I once again get excited even if it is for a brief fleeting moment in time till the next down poor of emotions. 

There have been talks of PTSD after an experience like this. It is plausible and possible. Coming so close to death, shaking its hand saying nice to meet you I hope I don't have to see you again anytime soon. The stress and anxiety that hovers constantly over your day to day activities. Out of the corner of your eye you see the familiar face of death and in the moment of panic your heart skips a beat and a bead of sweat falls from your face. Suddenly you are nauseous and you feel Niagara Falls forming in your eyes. Not now, not while I am shopping for pie ingredients! The next day you are happy as can be looking forward to the future, enjoying time with friends. And once again for who knows how long, you are happy. 

I have high respect for all the warriors going through this. I have just started and already am overwhelmed. I can only imagine as the years go on and the longer you are healthy the scarier and more intense the roller coaster ride must be. I am lucky to have a great group of girls that will ride this roller coaster with me and hold my hand when it comes crashing down and I to hold theirs as well. We are in this together. 

Pulmonary Toxicity...

Here I am counting down the days to my last chemo. Yesterday I had my second to last chemo. These last few treatments seem to be taking forever. The days go by slower than a snail. For some reason I was dreading this last chemo. I don't know why but I was just getting extra anxious and had bad feelings about it. It was already pushed back an hour due to short staffing. Everyone was wishing me luck which never happens. I just felt off about it. Well sure enough it was an interesting chemo. 

At first my port, Portia, was giving us trouble. 30 minutes later and me laying back, leaning forward, putting my hands up and down, sticking my right leg in and out and shaking it all about, I turned around and did the hokey pokey and still nothing. They then tried to access it with a bigger needle had me lean forward and cough and BOOM we have access! They sent off my blood to get tested and make sure everything is still normal. After an hour they realize my blood got lost in transit, so I had to wait even longer. 

Well then they ask if I have anything new going on and I advised that I have had a cough for a few days. Only when I take deep breaths. This is pretty serious so they run some tests, listen to my lungs and make me walk around the hospital while breathing heavily and checking my oxygen levels. Everything seemed to be fine but they still felt it necessary to call the doctor that was on call yesterday. She seemed concerned and decided to come see me in the infusion ward. She does the same tests and asks me questions and then leaves to talk to my nurse. He comes back and states we are going to skip the Bleomycin, which is the B in my ABVD chemo cocktail. Turns out the Bleomycin can cause fatal lung damage. So they were taking my breathing issues very seriously. They scheduled me to get a Pulmonary Function Test before my last chemo to check if my lungs have been damaged. I just had a PFT test a month ago and my lungs were perfectly fine. The Bleomycin can cause damage over night. But because I am so close to being done that if I do need to skip the Bleomycin again it would not make a difference in my cancer treatment. 

As I am so close to the finish line I feel my body slowly giving out. Its pushing along and doing its best to keep me healthy but there is only so much a body can endure. But I am almost there and I plan on treating my body like the queen it is once I am all better. I am just so excited to almost be done. Chemo really does suck. It is not fun at all. This cancer has stripped me of everything that was once Jessica Kraft. I feel like a totally different person, mentally and physically. I just can't fully explain what this experience has done to me. I hope if anything I have changed for the better. 

"When you are through changing, you are through."

Side Effects...

I am going to take this time to describe what chemo has done to my body and how I feel most of the time these days. 

On a chemo day first things first is they access my port to draw some blood. So they stab me in the chest which is semi painful even with a numbing shot. They draw some blood and then flush my port with saline. Gross. I taste it and I want to vomit. I then have to wait about an hour for my blood tests to come back and say that I am healthy enough to get chemo. I never am healthy enough. My blood counts are extremely low everyday but my doctor says lets push forward anyways, so they do (because I am awesome.) 

Before chemo I get a cocktail of premeds to make chemo easier. The premeds are what make me sick. I get a nice dose of Benadryl that makes my eyes super heavy. Next is a dose of Zofran which is like an anxiety/anti-nausea med but I have a reaction to it in my throat. My throat gets really tight and feels like I have something stuck in it and it makes me what to vomit. That lasts about 20 minutes or so. Then I get a steroid, which, if they push it too fast will make my private areas burn. And most of the time.... they burn. EEK.

After all the premeds I am just a blob in a chair. I don't want to talk. I can't move my hands. I am a hot mess. Now it is time for the chemo. The chemo has no real effect on me while I am getting it. My first chemo "The Red Devil" makes my pee red for a few hours but no biggy. So after all my chemos I am good to go home. 

When I get home I eat everything in sight because it makes my throat feel better. Once I am twice my size I pass out for a few hours. Tuesday I wake up and feel pretty normal. Then Wednesday I wake up sick so I spend the day in bed or on the couch. I am nauseous and tired and my body is restless. I want to move around but my body just cant get comfortable. Thursday I wake up and feel almost normal. At this point all the bearable side effects kick in. My gums swell up and sometimes bleed. Which makes eating hurt but I love food so I just eat anyways. My body aches and hurts. A pat on the back and I will wince in pain. My scalp hurts and hair still falls out. How I am not shiny bald I don't know. I lose hair everyday. My fingers hurt. I am at the point I can barely button my pants without help or wanting to cry from pain. My skin is super dry and skin falls off the tips of my fingers. My finger nails are starting to look like zombie finger nails. My pinky toenail fell off yesterday. My pee smells like chemo everyday. The skin all over my body is blotchy and discolored. The veins around my port on my chest are very visible and pronounced making me look like some sort of super villain. I am very lethargic these days. I can barely go up stairs without heavy breathing. I have lost all my muscle and stamina. I have gained weight. My taste buds are messed up. Things taste weird. My throat hurts a lot. My nose constantly runs because I have no nose hairs. I have no hair anywhere on my body except my head, kinda. The no hair things is kinda nice, I don't know when the last time I shaved was. 

With all this though, I am still handling this very well. I don't vomit. I don't have bowel issues. I am still able to go out and about. I am not bed ridden. I am just glad I only have two more because I am definitely starting to notice the toll that is being taken on my body. I hope I can make a comeback after all of this. I will be hitting the gym hard once I am better. I am really looking forward to having nose hairs again so I don't have to walk around with a nose tampon sticking out of my nose. 

I just want to say that the next time you complain about having a cold or maybe even the flu I would stop and appreciate that you don't have to do chemo. Because it sucks and takes your life away. I will never complain about having a cold again. I will never complain about a lot of things ever again. I have found strength I didn't know I had and I appreciate everything I have learned. I am really grateful for all the new friends I have made throughout this process. This has been a life changing experience. 

Bricks have been lifted...

I am getting closer and closer to being done with this journey. I had my progress pet scan almost a month ago and the results were good. My doctor had advised me that it was almost all gone. Of course I was hoping to hear "You are cancer free," but that didn't quite happen. Nonetheless it was good news and I was happy. However another worry was thrust upon me and that was the idea of radiation after chemo. From what I knew that opened a whole new can of problems so my mind began to run wild. Well since my Oncologist wasn't comfortable answering those questions he referred me to the Radiologist that looked at my scans. 

That leads us to today. Today I had a consultation with the Radiologist. My mind was swarming with questions for the past month. I of course assumed the worst would happen if I did radiation. Such as secondary cancers, lung problems, heart problems among many other things. My major concern was breast cancer. I had done research on it and it looks worse than what I have already gone through. I figured it would be a for sure death sentence a few years after beating Hodgkin's. Today the radiologist put my fears to rest. First he stated that he is confident that after chemo the cancer will be completely gone. Which is GREAT! Then comes the tricky part, will radiation be beneficial for me if all the cancer is gone? He stated that there are studies that show yes and studies that show no. So he will be doing research and getting second and third opinions from him colleagues in the next month to see what I should do. He thinks that I may not need radiation. Which I hope because that would be one less thing to worry about, maybe. 

If I do need radiation then I am at high risk of getting breast cancer within the few years after radiation. He said that it will not be the end of my life though. They will watch me very closely so the first sign of breast cancer they can act on it and take care of it. So if worst comes to worse I end up boobless in a few years but hey, I will hopefully still be alive. Of course anything could still happen but I guess at this point I am more confident that I have a future. He is confident I could live another 60 years. I have been scared that my life is over. I have been having a hard time getting excited about the future thinking it will be consumed by cancer forever. But at this point I am happy that I can have a normal life soon! One day at a time I guess. 

My point that I was trying to get at was even though almost a month ago my Oncologist said I am almost cancer free it wasn't until today that I realized I really kicked cancers ass!! Five long, hard months that I would never wish on anybody and I came out alive. I still have two more chemo sessions to go but I GOT THIS! I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of me. I can breathe now. I feel like I can do anything I want to. I am ready to take the bull by the horns. I will have my health back in less than a month. I cannot wait. You have no idea. 

On another note. I just want to say that I am not sorry if you are offended by my new fundraiser shirts. They say FUCK CANCER. And? FUCK CANCER! You are only offended because you have not been there. If you fight and win you too will say FUCK CANCER and be proud of it. I appreciate all those who are supporting me. I am excited I kicked its ass. Cancer is a mother fucker. 

In case you want to get a cool shirt click below! 
TEAM KRAFT T SHIRT FUNDRAISER


“Don't fear death, fear the un-lived life"
~Tuck Everlasting

Que Sera, Sera Motherfuckers...

I am counting down till I am done with chemotherapy. Only three more to go! They cannot come fast enough. Monday will be my 10th chemo! Double digits! I am in the preteens of chemo! Two chemos till my big Purple Party celebrating me kicking cancers ass. It will be the party of the year! We are even planning on playing pin the radiation on the tumors. Yup! Be jealous. This cancer journey is slowly coming to an end and I cannot wait!

On another note I have been researching radiation and getting doubts about it. There are so many possible side effects later on down the road. Such as secondary cancers, heart problems, lung problems or other misc. issues. All of that or the possible chance of getting Hodgkin's again.....? Hmm? There is also the chance that I am perfectly fine after all of it, I just don't know. I will have to weigh the options with my doctor again. I wish I only had to worry about what color to get my toe nails painted and not what medical treatment will kill me slower. I wish I only had to complain about going to work on Monday and not chemo. But alas my life is not so simple.

On a brighter note I have put a deposit on an apartment and will be getting my own place again in about a month! And I will be going back to work in about two months! So I am thinking that my life should be back to almost normal about September. Which will be a year since I moved here. Man how time freaking flies. Maybe I will meet a boy too!!! HaHaHa... HAHA. Just kidding. I have accepted that I will be alone with my cats. And that is okay. I will enjoy life just how it is!

I am really excited to get my own place again though. That is what I look forward to most. Ever since I have gotten cancer, well every since I have moved out here to Washington, I have felt like I down graded my life. That I, somehow, became less successful and independent. Temporarily,  cancer has ruined my life. Actually I guess it just gave me a speed bump. I plan on getting my life back plus some. I wont sweat the small stuff anymore.

Also I found a sticker in Seattle that says. "Que Sera, Sera Motherfuckers." So that's cool.