The Next Chapter...

Well I shall be starting Radiation therapy tomorrow. For the first few days I will need to go during my lunch break at work which will be a hassle but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I will be doing radiation for 15 days straight, finishing right before my trip to California. Word is that towards the end is when the side effects kick in, so I will be attending my cousins wedding with burnt skin, sore throat and I will be lethargic, so yay. BUT at least its not chemo!!! I guess this is the next chapter and hopefully the final Cancer related chapter. I had a two month vacation from all the cancer drama and treatments but now I am just ready to be done! Hopefully this gets rid of the remaining "cancer" in my chest. I am hoping that by the new year I can start fresh and healthy and put all of this behind me. I am ready to be the healthy, athletic fit Jessica that I was almost two years ago. My goal is to be soccer ready by the new year but who knows how that will go. I was going to the gym but since my car was broken into a few days ago, in the gym parking lot, I don't want to go back. I feel like I kind of have PTSD with getting robbed at the gym.

What are the odds that my car would get broken into again at the gym but who would of guessed I would of gotten robbed in the first place? I just don't feel safe at the gym. I actually don't feel that safe in general now. I keep checking my windows to see if they are all there. When I am driving I panic and look back thinking someone is gonna knock my window out. Its weird. Now I have one non tinted window and it also freaks me out because its so bright I feel like its still broken. It makes me sad that someone would rob me. I was wearing my Fight Like a Crazy Cat Lady shirt to the gym that day. I have a feeling the robbers were watching me the whole time which means they saw my shirt and short hair. BUT hooligans and criminals don't give a fuck about anything so of course when they see a girl that just beat cancer they aren't gonna say "oh she was sick lets feel bad for her and not rob her because she has been through enough in her life." HAHA. But still it pisses me off there are people like that in the world that just don't give a fuck and their career is robbing people of their hard earned money. Oh and the cops didn't care. "File a police report online when you get time kay thanks bye," is what I was told when I called the police. Oh and the gym manger said "This happens once a week, sorry." What. The. Fuck. I hate this world.

All of these events just made me super depressed. It just seems there is nothing worth living for these days. The world is a horrible place filled with mostly horrible people.The last 12 months have been the worst, first I tore my ACL and had knee surgery, then got laid off, then got diagnosed with cancer, then got robbed. And that's just the big stuff. My cats need me, that is the only thing that gets me through my days which seems a little depressing. 2015 better bring merry tidings and some silver linings. Its so hard to stay positive and happy and look on the bright side of things when everything just seems so dark all the time. Uhg.

All of these life changing events have also made me realize that I really do want a new career. I need a job that better fits me and my needs. I want to enjoy life, not spend most of my time stressing out and working all hours of the day. I deserve a job with a set schedule. I deserve a job that makes me happy. I deserve to be happy at some point!!!! Everyone deserves to be happy. For a while I have felt indebted to my job for taking care of me while I was going through treatment but why? Its just a job a job and I worked with them for 5 years so they better take care of me when I am in need. I have also felt that I am stuck in my job due to my health. I need health insurance at all times now and starting a new career could put a lapse in coverage. Employers don't hire sick people. Don't tell me "They can't discriminate because of that!" They can't but that doesn't mean they wont. This world is horrible and if they found out I had cancer they would rather hire someone who is healthy and reliable and they would just tell me they found someone more "qualified." That is the world we live in. But I am smart and a great worker so anybody would be lucky to have me. Fingers crossed that I can find something that makes me happy.

Other than all that shit life is great. That was sarcasm. This shits tough. Life is tough. But I didn't beat cancer to just give up on life. I will keep trucking along and hope for the best.

Cancer Groupies

December of 2013 I was told I have cancer. Twenty Four year old Jessica had cancer. December 25th 2013 I told the world I had cancer. On Christmas? You ask. Yes I told the world on Christmas that I had cancer, oh how selfish of me to ruin every ones day with that news. Actually I didn't ruin anybodies day. Those that mattered had known what I was dealing with for weeks. And my Christmas was spent home alone fasting because on December 26th I had my first pet scan. My day was spent writing blogs and lost in a world I would become all to familiar with over the next few months. So yes I posted on all my social media accounts the link to this blog. If people cared they could read it and see what I was going through otherwise they could keep scrolling past and go on with their lives. I did receive likes and comments and condolences and blah blah blah all that nonsense that comes along with telling the world you are dying. Everyone wants to be apart of something. Correction: Everyone wants to be apart of someones misery. Whether it be so they can be grateful its not happening to them, or so they can say they know someone with cancer, or just for their own morbid satisfaction.

This experience has taught me so much. Mostly it taught me that people suck. And that is okay. Why? Its okay because now I know who my true friends are and who I can count on in the future. Don't get me wrong I have been shown some real compassion during this and I am grateful but I have also seen the downside. I have learned who just wanted to be a part of something bigger than them. I learned that in the beginning everyone wants to be your friend and help in any way they can but as soon as the excitement dies down they could not care any less. As the months dragged on and I pushed through treatments my so called "support team" dwindled to a handful of people. I understand that it must of been so hard to deal with MY cancer. It must of been so hard to see ME get so sick. It must of pained you to see ME in such agony. Or was it because I didn't get deathly ill. Because I wasn't stuck in a hospital bed. Because according to you I wasn't dying so it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe it's because I was dying and you couldn't deal with the thought. Either way I understand and I forgive you. With or without you I am alive and still fighting. I am fighting a battle you know nothing about. I may share what I am feeling and going through on this blog but until you have been in my head and walked in my shoes and been in this situation you have no idea. Because if you did you would realize that this battle is far from over. Just because I am no longer doing chemo doesn't mean I have won this war. It means I have survived one battle and that battle was chemotherapy. I got my scars and wounds but I survived so far. The next battle is yet to come, that may include radiation or the watch and wait scenario. I hope to win those battles as well and eventually be declared the winner of this war over my body.

I will forever be haunted by cancer. It is forever a part of my life now. For you my cancer story is over so you don't care but for me its just begun. And do not ask me "When did you beat cancer?" Because I have not beat cancer it is not that simple for most. I may never hear the words that I am cancer free. I understand you are naive and have no idea what you are saying but just don't say it, kay thanks. Also if I hear one more person tell me I am so strong I may have to slap a baby in the face. I did what I had to to survive, I did not have a choice. I am just one unlucky fool that stood too close to the microwave as a child and got cancer.