Tuesday, January 6, 2015

2015

Today last year was my first chemo. Yuck. I remember it like it was yesterday. I spent the whole day in the chemo ward. It was a long careful process that felt surreal. I remember thinking that I was in a dream. There was no way I had cancer. It was a nightmare not a dream! The nurses wanted to go through every detail, every side effect, everything that may lead to my death. Yeah yeah I get it I could die whatever lets just get this going. I just cannot believe a year ago I started a giant fight with cancer. This time last year I also chopped off all my long hair as a preemptive strike against the C WORD! This year has flown by and I can't believe where I am now compared to last year. It makes me so emotional. But this year is starting off on a much better note. I have a new position in a branch right by my house which eliminates a 2 hour commute. I received a pay increase. I have such great friends. I have a fella in my life. And well I am cancer FREE!!! Lets hop back to the fella thing. Y'all remember my posts about dying alone and who could like someone with cancer or short hair, yeah well I am going to slap old me in the face and tell her to hush!

This past year has been a wild ride and boy am I glad 2014 is over. I ended 2013 thinking I was starting a new adventure in a new land and that all my wildest dreams and aspirations would come true. Boy was I wrong. I started a new job having no idea what I was doing. I had no friends. I was lonely. I was sick. Then it turned out I had cancer. That was just a swell way to start 2014. I am super grateful I had Katie and her family here to take care of me. Without them I probably would have died. Honestly. What would I have done being utterly alone and diagnosed with cancer? Lets not think about that because thankfully I did have somebody. As time went on I found out who my true friends were and who the cancer groupies were. I even met some great new friends through cancer. During this time I also had many breakdowns thinking my life was over and that I was going to die before I got to experience many things. It was a tough and emotional year filled with sickness, death, sadness, loneliness and epiphanies. I could not wait for 2015 to arrive.

As 2014 went on I thought who could ever like a person with cancer? Who would like someone who was now damaged goods? I have learned a lot and came a long way. I went on dates and debated if dating was even for me. Should I wait till I am better? Should I never date? Should I get 10 more cats and call it a day? As time went on I realized I wanted to date and that people would just have to accept me and what I look like and what my story was. Some people ran away without looking back, others had a morbid curiosity. Oh well, it was all worth it because I found one that likes me for me, short lesbian hair and all. 

I am glad to say 2015 is starting out pretty awesome and I can't wait to see what else it brings. I mentioned this last year but this year will be the year of YES. I said year a lot in that last sentence but get over it.  I want to experience new things. I want to go on adventures. This time last year I was too sick to even get off the couch most of the time. I remember staying up all night with all these wild thoughts racing through my mind. Am I going to die? Am I going to ruin my body. Am I going to ruin my life. Will I get other cancers? What if this never goes away? Crying in the shower so nobody could see I was falling apart and not as strong as they all thought. Lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking maybe it would be better if I just died. My mom could of went home to her husband in California instead of taking care of me 24-7. Katie could spend time with her daughter rather than sitting in the hospital waiting for my surgeries to be over. My grandmother could focus on her own health rather than worrying her granddaughter wasn't gonna make it to the summer. And my aunt wouldn't have to watch her niece go through something she just endured herself. So many lives interrupted because of cancer. My cancer.

To this day I still wish I could be a ball of sunshine but that has yet to happen. I am still bitter and upset. I am grateful I made it out alive but for what? I need a purpose now. I need to accomplish something otherwise why am I alive? Why did I put everyone through that nonsense just to let my life go to waste. Maybe I am just meant to enjoy this second chance. Not worry about the little things, rather, enjoy the little things. I am trying. 

I have my six month scan this month. I haven't had a scan since before I had radiation done to eliminate the last of the "cancer." I'll be a nervous wreck as it gets closer. What if its back or never fully went away? I don't want to go through all that again. My body is still recovering from chemo and radiation. I have finally lost my moon face from the steroids. But my body still has some chemo weight I gained during treatment and I feel as if my hair isn't growing and I will be stuck with short hair forever! My skin is all kinds of weird colors. And the body hair.... I look like Teen Wolf. Oh well! 

Well cheers to 2015 and lets hope for a healthy, happy, adventurous year!