Hello there world! It has been almost two months since my last post! Sorry to leave you devoted followers out in the cold. I purposely haven't written anything in so long, well because nothing too exciting has happened. But like a devoted leader I will grace you with an update!
As most of you know I started dating a lovely fella a few months ago and I am proud to say that is still going strong. I have had followers come out of the word work to say they are happy my story is turning in to a happy one. This time last year I was writing about being alone forever, who would want damaged goods? Well let me tell you, my damaged goods are definitely wanted! The special person in my life makes it known daily that I am beautiful and appreciated. Even with my lesbian hair that has me oh so self conscious and depressed. Even with all my scars and side effects. Even with the hovering cloud of what if. It is definitely a great feeling to have that in my life at the moment. Life is rough and everyone has their baggage that they hope will be accepted by everyone they care about. I know my situation is rough and hard to accept. It may not be for everyone, in fact, I know its not for everyone. But it is okay because at the moment I have someone who is willing to be by my side while we walk through the shadows of the unknown. And for that I am grateful.
That is just a peak into my life getting back to "normal." I have recently joined a soccer team which I am looking forward to. I have been more active and slowly getting my body back to what it was before cancer and, well, knee surgery. I have lost almost all the weight I put on during chemo and steroid usage. So that's nice. I feel as if I am getting the old active Jessica back. She hasn't been around to enjoy all that Washington has to offer!
I did want to mention that I had a scan in January. It didn't come back clear but I was horribly ill with the sickness that was going around at the time. So my doctors seem to think that could of been it but one can never be too sure dealing with someone who has already had cancer. They decided to do a biopsy of my tonsils and that test came back inconclusive as the specimen was too small. But let me tell you a tonsil biopsy hurts like a bitch. They say they will numb you but all that went numb was my tongue and that was too stop me from screaming out mother fucker during the procedure. My doctor decided it might be best to just wait for 6 months till my next scan and see whats going on. Sooo again we will wait and watch and see and have no answers. I am becoming an expert on not getting any answers. AM I RIGHT!? YOU KNOW! You know.
For the most part I am just trying to enjoy life. I feel like I may almost get what my new normal is. I still think I will never be the old normal Jessica once was but I am definitely on my way to understanding and accepting my new normal. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of utter depression mostly because (this is dumb) of my hair. I really miss my long hair. I miss feeling like an attractive lady. Now most of the time I feel like a 12 year old who hasn't hit puberty yet and still lets her mom cut her hair but its not a cute hair cut its the "I don't want my baby girl to grow up so I will give her a 3 year olds hair cut so boys don't like her and she will live at home forever and not be tainted by the bad world" hair cut. I know you know what I am talking about! Especially right now at this awkward stage. I would rather shave it again and be the bad ass chick with a shaved head than the oblivious 12 year old. I guess I can focus on the fact that ITS JUST HAIR and it will grow back. I beat cancer for goodness sake who cares about hair. Well as pitiful as it is girls care about hair. Guys care about hair. Everyone cares about hair. AH! Oh well. I am really happy that a boy took a chance on a bald girl though. Faith in humanity restored.
I am trying to make 2015 the year of yes. I have so many trips planned and fun activities. Enjoying life is the reason for living. Experiencing the unknown and going on adventures. Pushing yourself to see whats next. I have the best of friends who will join me on this ride and the best boyfriend to explore with! If anybody out there is reading this and is at the point I was this time last year let me tell you: keep your head up. Enjoy the little things. Cry when you need to. Ask for help when you need to. Don't be afraid to need you time! Don't be afraid to need people time. Having cancer is rough and it feels like your world is ending but it doesn't have to. I have been there and I went through it and I still have my moments of WHY ME! And I am sure I will still have those moments in the future. But what I can do is enjoy the time I have in the moment. Who knows what my next scan will show but until then I plan on living. I will enjoy what time I do have with the people I love. Heck even if you don't have cancer and are perfectly fit and fine still take my advice. It took me a while to get to this point and who knows how long this feeling of SEIZE THE DAY will last but while its hear I will try to give you all a glimmer of hope.
Life can be gone in an instant. Say I love you. Smell the roses. And breathe in that fresh air.
Cheers.
