3 for 1 Special

This blog is a little different. I had a few posts that were in drafts because I was just not feeling in the sharing mood or that these blogs were even worthy. It has been about 3 weeks since my last chemo and I have just felt lost. What is there to share now that would be worth reading? The exciting, life threatening adventure that was my life is now not as exciting to all you readers. My two posts that were just in drafts probably say the same thing just in different ways but I thought I would share it how it is in that moment. Feel free to read through those and at the end I will have an updated post. 



6/17/2014

I'm sitting in my car typing this on my phone on my California vacation. First because I'm bored and second I feel like it's been a while since I posted last. I have had a lot of emotions since finishing chemo. I just feel lost in life. What is my plan now? I know my last blog dabbled on the "what now" aspect of things but I'm still boggled by it. I have panic attacks thinking about getting back to the real world. Part of me thinks it's all a waste. Why should I move into my own place, pay bills, go back to work if I'm just gonna get cancer again. I know I just have to remain positive and take one day at a time. Which I am trying to. It's only been about a week since my last chemo but I just don't know what to do. 

I  am enjoying a small vacation in my hometown in California. My mother who has been my caretaker since January has been in Washington this whole time with me. She completed her journey and had to come home so I came with her. I've been out of the antelope valley for almost a year and I missed all my friends and I really missed the familiarity and routine of this place. But now that I am back.... Meh. I am so over this place. I'll visit because I have 24 years of history and family here but I don't see myself getting sucked back in by choice. I have outgrown the Antelope Valley and it's people. 

I'm ready to start over again in Washington. Let's try this time without cancer. Going back to work is nerve wrecking! My life will forever be doctors appointments now. What if my boss doesn't approve. I don't even know if I want to do my job anymore. Is it a good fit? Should I do something else? Something different? It's my life and I should enjoy what I'm doing. Time will tell. 

I hope I find a path soon. Right now I feel like I am just wandering around lost. I had a plan before all this cancer crap. I guess this is a time to start over and do what I want to. Cancer changes everything. I mean everything!!! 

6/24/2014
Here I am on a plane writing a blog. I feel like there is a lot I haven't discussed from the last few weeks. Time to update you all! As you are all aware from previous posts I was having some lung issues. I was scheduled for a bronchoscopy the day after my last chemo. I reported to the hospital bright and early. It was a quick outpatient procedure. I was sedated and all I really remember is coughing and the doctor shouting "she needs more sedation!" So that was fun. The medicine they used to numb my throat and nose was gross. I had to snort the medicine into my nose which was not fun so I only imagine tweekers not having much fun when snorting drugs, but I could be wrong.

I was prescribed a heavy dose of antibiotics, 6 grape sized pills a day. These were in case I had pneumonia. After one day of those I felt like I was hit by a train, I felt worse than after chemo. Needless to say I wasn't much help when it came to moving me into my new apartment. Luckily I have some swell family and friends that helped me speed move. 

I had a follow up appointment two days after my bronchoscopy and the doctor advised I didn't have pneumonia just a small generic infection which could be nothing so she dropped my antibiotics to two pills a day and guaranteed I wouldn't feel like a train hit me. I was also prescribed 40mg of Prednisone daily for at least 3 months. It turns out I indeed had lung damage from the Bleomycin. Steroids for a few months should fix that right up. In the mean time people have to deal with my roid rage. 

Other than all of that things to be going pretty well. I am two weeks out from my last chemo. This is my first week in almost 6 months I haven't needed chemo. My body is pretty excited. I enjoyed a splendid vacation in California and am now ready to get back to a "normal" life. I start work in about two weeks which is enough time for my immune system to work it's way back up. From here out it's check ups and scans and a final decision on whether I will need radiation or not. Fingers crossed that all the cancer is completely gone and I can just attempt to move on and get stronger and stronger. 

Side note, I am writing this on my phone on my flight home and there is a hottie passed out next to me. Pretty sure he's my soul mate. 

Anyways, these next few months will be a tough adjustment. I am going back to living by myself in a semi new place. My mother is back in California which is sad. But I have done this before I can do it again. Starting all over again! Let's put these last 6 months behind us and start fresh with a new an improved outlook on life! 



6/28/2014
So I recently had a follow up with my Pulmonologist and she said I am responding to the steroids really well so they are going to start weening me off of them over the next few months. So I am hoping that with a good scan in a few weeks I will be on the right track to being "normal" and "healthy." I am also looking forward to joining the gym again and get my body back to how it was before cancer. But my biggest dilemma is going to the gym with a bald head. I could wear a beanie but man will that be hot. I know I shouldn't care but I have done a few things without a hat and just rocked the bald (actually it's not that bald its more of a baby peach fuzz) and I get weird looks. People get concerned and I know they want to ask questions. I just feel really self conscious about my looks at the moment. I don't look like myself anymore. I have gained weight, lost my tone and muscle, lost my hair, lost my eyebrows, lost my eyelashes, lost my sense of self. I even feel like I have lost my sense of independence. I feel like I do not know how to take care of myself. I catch myself longing for someone to take care of me. I am like a lost puppy. 

I am also having a hard time adjusting back to the real world. I have looked into a therapist and am hoping to start that soon. It would be nice to talk to someone about getting back to real life after an event like cancer. It is harder than one would think to get back to how things were because the bottom line is things will never be the same. Ever. 

I have done some really exciting things the last few days which gave me moments of euphoria. I would stop and think to myself "this is what life is about, enjoying every moment and absorbing the little things." I went white water rafting and wasn't scared at all, in fact it was super exhilarating. Pre cancer Jessica probably would have skipped on that opportunity. I also went to a Mariners game here in Seattle. I have been to baseball games before but this one I just enjoyed and didn't give a fuck about anything. There was a firework show afterwards and it started raining. I just looked up and watched and tuned the rest of the world out. I couldn't help but just smile from ear to ear and be happy to be alive. Moments like that make me incredibly happy and thankful for everything. But those moments are followed fast by complete opposite feelings. Panic and anger and worry. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. No matter what happens I can handle it and get through it but most of the time its just a quick fix until the feelings become overwhelming and I shut down. 

M posts may start getting few and far between, as I stated before I feel like my life is no longer exciting. I am more than willing to share the after effects of cancer on a young adult but lets be real half of you only read this to probably get your daily dose of "well at least my life isn't as bad as hers." Or maybe you read it and think that I am a pansy ass chump and need to stop complaining. Oh well either way you are reading my blog so thats cool I guess. I wish I could say that life is great and I am just so happy, lucky, and blessed to be alive but most of the time I don't feel that way. Its a tough road after cancer. I can't be strong. I can't be a hero. But I can be honest and truthful.

Now What

My last chemo was today. I have been eagerly awaiting this day and yet it feels like any other chemo day. It doesn't feel like I am done. I still feel sick and I still will feel sick for a few days. Which puts me in my normal chemo sadness slump. Which makes me hate life and get depressed. On top of that I have been having panic attacks about starting up my life again. I am completely lost. I don't know how to be normal. I am so used to being sick and limited, that is my new normal. I think I forgot how to do my job. I was only doing it for three months before I went on leave to fight cancer. Hopefully it is like riding a bicycle and I can remember quickly. I will be moving into my own place on Friday. That is scary as well. I used to be a strong, independent girl but I have had to rely on so many people the last few months that I think I forgot how to be independent! Cancer has ruined my life in so many ways. I am so lost. What do I do now? I have gotten used to the cancer agenda that now I do not know what to do. Now what? I guess as time goes on and I feel better and my hair starts growing back I may get happier and start to realize once again that I was given a second chance. 

This whole cancer thing is not even close to being over. The last two weeks I have had a cough and shortness of breath. The B in my ABVD chemo cocktail is known to cause lung damage and that was the theory so they stopped giving it to me these last two chemos. But upon this new side effect they ran a Pulmonary Function Test to see how my lungs were doing and it showed that my lung functionality was lower than before. Today before chemo I had a chest Xray done to rule out anything else. Well instead of ruling anything out it added more possibilities to the table. I then had a CT done after chemo which also added things to the table. So due to all of this I am scheduled for a bronchoscopy tomorrow to get to the bottom of my lung issues. I am leaving for California on Saturday and my doctors want to make sure I am healthy enough to go. They will be knocking me out and sticking a camera down my throat or nose to look around and possibly take a biopsy. So it is either just damage from the B, pneumonia or another lung infection. Either way it all sucks.

This week was jam packed of things for me to do. Chemo, sick days, movie and dinner dates, packing for Cali and packing and moving to my new place. Now because of these added issues things had to be cancelled and rearranged. That adds stress on top of all this as well. I also either have a head cold or really really bad allergies which makes me feel like poop. So overall this last chemo has not been pleasant. I guess in 2 weeks when I would normally go to chemo and realize I don't have to go I might get a little excited. By then I should be feeling a lot better. All these side effects should disappear slowly and my hair should start growing back. I am a little bummed that I will have to start shaving again! Bummer. I am also bummed about having a period, well maybe. There is a chance it may ever come back. Eye lashes will be nice also, gluing them on is kinda hard and tedious. But I guess I would rather bleed from my vagina than have to do chemo again. 

This whole experience has been something else. I am grateful to be given another chance at life. But I am also scared of what is to come. Will the cancer come back tomorrow? In 6 months? In 10 years? Its just a watch and wait game from here on out. Talk about stressful. I will never have the same body I had before. I have gained roughly 10 pounds and lost almost all the muscle in my body. The fit soccer body I once had is now a doughy, shapeless physique. I do not look like myself at all. I have a lot of work to do and I plan on getting fit again. Its pathetic I know but I do not like what I see in the mirror. Cancer stole almost everything but my life from me, fuck you cancer. 

It is all done and I still find myself asking "WHY ME?" Why anybody, I know. But I thought I was thrown enough curve balls in my life. I thought I had it hard enough already. Now I have cancer on top of it all! Damn. Almost everyone I run into or talk to says "You are too young to have this." Uummm? Thanks? Cancer doesn't care how young you are, how healthy you are or even who you are. It fucking sucks. I can just hope that this really is a second chance and that I have another 50 or so years on this earth. I have dreams and hopes. But then you hear about all these freak accidents, shootings, and car accidents and it really makes you realize that life could be gone in a second. It is quite depressing. On the other hand it gives me a fuck it attitude. Fuck all the bull shit. I am just gonna do what I wanna do because life is not guaranteed. Just have a good fucking time!

Fucking cancer, fucking fuck fuckity FUCK! I think I won for now though. So thats good. I have a pet scan in about 6 weeks to confirm I am clear. So we will wait and see. In the mean time I will get back to the real world, I guess. 

LAST CHEMO

LAST RED DEVIL FOREVER