Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The time has come...

Well after 4 months I had my progress scan and according to my doctor I am on the right track. There was debate between a few doctors as to whether or not there was some visible cancer or not. Needless to say they would rather be safe than sorry. So I will finish my chemo treatments as planned and do radiation afterwards. My doctor seems to be very optimistic that after all my treatments I could be cured. I want nothing more than to be done with all of this and get my life back.

Of course when my doctor told me the good news all I could think was "nothing can stop me." I almost  beat cancer and am still alive, I can do anything I want. But after some time I started to worry about the future. What if I get my life back on track and get my own place and start work and then I relapse? Then what? I would again have to give up everything to go through treatment again. But someone did mention a good point to me, "You can't put your life on hold waiting and worrying for something that may not happen." Which is a good point. I can worry forever and not enjoy life to the fullest or I can just say fuck it and go back to being normal and hope for the best. 

I am so close to the finish line I can taste it. I can see it. I can feel it. It is time to get things rolling again. My only concern is going back to work while doing radiation. I have read a few different things and some people get too tired to handle day to day activities and others can manage. So I guess we will just have to see when it happens. But of course after all that radiation I will then worry about breast cancer, heart disease and heart damage. But again, I guess you can't worry about what may happen. 

I am mostly excited for my hair to grow back. I look so sick and weird with my scraggly hair, thinning eyebrows and 3 eyelashes. The only bonus to that is not having hair anywhere else on my body. I haven't had to shave anything in 4 months! It's like magic. I think I could rock the buzz cut once it is thick enough. I am pretty excited. I just hope my job doesn't mind my new look. 

I am thinking of starting a new tshirt fundraiser for the good news. I still have lots of medical bills to pay and my disability payments are getting smaller and smaller. Plus who doesn't like a cool tshirt?


Below is before and after scan pictures. On the left there are yellow and orange glowing spots which was cancer and on the right there are no visible glowing spots (other than my brain), which means I am pretty much cancer free. 


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Watching, Waiting, Commiserating...

Anxious does not even touch how I feel at the moment. Stressed? No. Worried? No. Uncertain? No. All of the above? Yes. All of those mashed into one, swarming my body like a bunch of bees. I am waiting to meet with my doctor to find out the results of my petscan. Its like a child waiting for Christmas. That day can't come soon enough. Will I be healed? Oh goody I hope I am healed! I can't wait to show all my friends that I am healed. SANTA BETTER DELIVER A CANCER FREE DIAGNOSES!! In the meantime I let my imagination get the best of me. I jump to the worst conclusions as usual. This time of waiting cannot really be compared to anything. To me it is worse than waiting to hear my initial diagnoses. Because now I know what cancer is like. I know what I have to go through. And to be told that all those treatments and sickness did nothing, that I will have to go through it all or worse all over again. I would just die. 

Showers have become a crying fest. I let the pouring water cover up the sound of my sobs. I just hunch over and let it out. What has become of my life. Why did this happen to me. What purpose has me having cancer had. Am I supposed to be learning something. Will I ever get to work again. Will I ever get to decorate my own apartment again. Will anybody ever want to date me again. Will I ever get some normalcy back into my life. Well this is my new normal. Crying, aching, sleeping, hospital visits and more crying. Welcome to the world of cancer. 

Oh gosh is only been a few minutes. I was hoping magically it was Friday morning already. Logically I should expect good news but no expectations no disappointments. So I would rather let my mind run wild in all directions and go crazy. Well in all honesty I would rather not have cancer but life isn't perfect. I remember complaining about so many things before cancer and they all seem so trivial these days. If I could just go back to this time last year I would be ridiculously happier. 

At least I have another test tomorrow to get my mind off of things. I have a Pulmonary Function test tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Get to see if chemo fucked up my lungs or not. I want to say I am pretty confident that it hasn't so I am not to worried about that one. Also to get my mind off of the waiting I will probably do some crafting. That will probably take up a whole 3 hours of the day and then I will get back to commiserating. 

I am tired of facebook and seeing all of you oh so happy with life. Or even worse? Complaining that you are "sick" or mad at life. Yeah well fuck you. Its kinda hard to watch you all be so happy with life and going out and enjoying life while my life is circling the drain. Or when you complain that you are sick. Come on now. Be thankful you just have allergies you lucky son of a bitch. Now I know some of you are going "Well if you don't like what I put on facebook then delete me or block me" or maybe you will say "Just because your life sucks doesn't mean you have to be mad mine is awesome." Well first of all I might delete you. Second of all I can think whatever I want. Third of all I don't really care what you think and if you think either of those things you are probably not even reading this blog so whatever. 

I want off this damn roller coaster. I just want to get my own place again. Decorate. Settle in. Start my job again. Find new opportunities. Explore. Visit California. Date. Get a dog. Grow my hair. Not worry about this shit anymore. Why me. But I guess I have gotten this far. And I am putting up one heck of a fight. And will continue to do so until the end. 





When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom





Monday, April 14, 2014

Chemo 8

Today marked my eighth chemo. I just keep telling myself I am one step closer to being done. One step closer to feeling better. I am typing this with heavy fingers as I do not feel well at the moment. The pre meds always get me really tired and gross feeling. My throat feels weird to the point I eat to make it feel better. That's also probably why I have gained weight. Oh well. This is my life now. It is coming more and more apparent that cancer is really common. I am not alone. Well duh. I joined an elite club of fighters and I was bound to meet other members. In fact most of my friends out here in Washington are cancer survivors my age. And here I was worried how I was gonna make friends when I moved out here. But it really is interesting talking to them. They know exactly what I am going through. We make cancer jokes and swap chemo stories. They get it. They understand like nobody else could. Without these girls who knows where I would be. I would feel utterly alone and scared. Well I am still scared but they give me hope. Talking to "normal" friends is difficult. They want to understand but they will never know. 

I shared a room with a talkative lady today in the infusion ward. She is a colon cancer survivor but she was back due to an infection post cancer that almost killed her. She was told her chances of survival were not great but she fought and won and was here to tell me that each day is a gift. We are not promised tomorrow. This is the toughest thing I have had to deal with in my life thus far. I thought everything up until now was rough but I was wrong. If only I knew that it got harder, I might not of worried about all those little things. This is my life now. 

I still worry about my future. Two weeks from today I will get my Petscan and PFT results. The Petscan will tell me if the cancer is gone or not. EEEK. You have no idea how anxious I am for this. And the PFT is just a lung test that will tell me if my lungs have been damaged. The suspense is killing me. I just want all of this to be over. I just keep telling myself that its almost over. I am almost done. I know I beat this. I will get a good scan. I am so over feeling sick and ugly. I am not the same person I was before. Everything has changed. I am going to have to rediscover myself. Find myself all over again. I am going to need time to work on myself after all of this. 

I realize as I reread this that my writing when I don't feel good is less entertaining. But I needed to say somethings to keep my mind off of me not feeling well. So I apologize for it not being up to par but then again I don't really care what you think. Well I am off to eat more or nap more or just writhe in pain on the couch. 


Don't forget to check out my fundraiser and tell your friends. The bills are still coming and my disability pay checks are getting smaller and smaller. Anything helps and is greatly appreciated. One less thing to worry about. Team Kraft Fundraiser



“You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.”





Friday, April 11, 2014

You...

I have been battling cancer for four months now. I have learned a lot and been through a lot. I have also had to watch all of my friends and family continue on with their lives like nothing happened. But I guess nothing did happen, to them. Its hard to watch everyone live life like normal. Friends going to parties, working, going to restaurants. Things that have been taken from me, things I can no longer do. I just get to sit and watch and become green with envy. They are enjoying life while I am in a fight for my life. They go on living because my diagnoses does not affect them in any way. Which is fine but hard at the same time. I have learned who is there for me and who is just curious. I appreciate people taking the time to share my fundraisers and participate, I am forever grateful. But I cannot stress enough that you do not know what I am going through. You think you know, and I try to coney my experiences through this blog but you will never know what truly goes on inside my head. You will not know what I do when I am alone with my thoughts. The emotions are strong, the tears heavy. Being diagnosed with Cancer changes EVERYTHING. My life will never be the same and I am stuck trying to find a new normal once this is all done, if it ever is done. I am currently counting down to my Petscan which will tell me if the last four months have even done anything for me. Part of me knows I beat this because I am strong but of course there is the thought and chance that chemotherapy has done nothing to the cancer. You will NEVER know what its like to live with my mind. You will never know the fear. You will never understand.

I am lucky though. I have looked death in the face and said "not today." I have learned to appreciate the small things in life. I have learned to stop and smell the roses. I have learned to say "I love you." I have learned to not give a fuck about what other people think. But I have also learned that people can be shallow. I have learned that people can be oblivious. I have learned that people can be nosey. I have learned that people can be amazing. I have learned that people are people and it takes all kinds to make the world go around. 

If only you knew. Maybe you would live life better, maybe not. Just know that cancer is no walk in the park. I have been through things you have no idea about. I have endured pain and sickness that you can't fathom. And I am still awesome. 





Sunday, April 6, 2014

Longing For the Old Days...

I decided to go in and organize all my photos on my laptop this evening but I guess it wasn't a good idea to go through all my old pictures. I found myself reminiscing and missing how things used to be. My life was so simple and easy and well, great! I was looking for a change of pace but what I got was a change in life.

Lets flash back a few years. As a woman in her early twenties I was living the life. I had a great job with great hours. I had my own apartment. I bought a new car. I had the best friends a girl could ask for. I dated, I partied, I had good clean fun. Its everything a young, successful girl could want. On long days I would go home to my place to my great cats, I would make some dinner for myself, pop in a movie and just relax. Most nights, with the windows open and that nice summer breeze flowing through my apartment. As I type this my mind is flooded with nostalgia. I wish I had a time machine. Doc Brown where are you when I need you! I long for the summer mornings when I had to get up for my soccer games, the smell of fresh cut grass filled the air. Or those summer nights when I had to head out for my softball games, hands and legs dusty. What about those themed parties that included great friends and beer pong tournaments and ended with tired bodies sprawled all over the floor. And those karaoke nights at Medranos, margaritas and Journey till the bar closed! That was what my life used to be like.

After living in Lancaster, California for 24 years I got the bright idea to head north to the land of rain! Don't get me wrong I love it in Washington and I knew what I was getting into. I had been dreaming of moving here since I first visited in 2005. It took a lot of growing up, learning, and a string of lucky events for me to finally make the move. My lease was ending, I got laid off and offered relocation money, I got a job up here, an apartment, and great discounts on moving supplies, it was meant to be. I packed up my life, said my goodbyes and me and my cats headed out.

But once I made it to Washington things seemed to go down hill. The apartments I found online were located in a bad part of town and were not that great. But luckily they let me sign a 4 month lease, little did I know that would be a life saver later on down the road. Sure enough about a month after moving here my doctor suspected I had cancer and this whole roller coaster started. And I was forced to move out of my apartment when the lease was up due to not having enough money while on disability. But I was lucky enough to have a second family up here that would let me move into their house. Forever grateful. And now here we are. Six months into my new adventure here in Washington and most of it has been spent at the hospital, on disability while living in someone elses house. Oh how I miss my young, free, independent life. I just hope that in 3 weeks I get the best news of my life and can start planning my future again.

I have been apartment hunting because I want to be ready. I found apartments I really like and I dream about moving into them and decorating. Where will I hang all my paintings? I must have pictures of my loved ones everywhere! Where will I put my christmas tree? But then my mind comes to a screeching halt and I tell myself to not jump the gun. "You don't even know if you are gonna live to see next year, so stop planning your new apartment." UHHG Chances are my cancer is gone and that I will beat this. My cancer is curable. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be crushed because I don't know what I would do. But I must keep a positive attitude and hope for the best. But what if the worst happens because that is a possibility. I may never again get to enjoy the feel of a summer breeze on a hot summer night. I may never again be able to sit on my porch with my cats and neighbor watch. I may never get to eat freaking raspberries again! I may never get to put my feet in the hot sand at the beach and feel the grains go in between my toes. The little things you all take for granted are the things I wish I could do. The flowers that are blooming smell amazing and I have literally stopped to smell them because I don't remember flowers ever smelling that good.

I miss my hair. My hair was so amazing in all my old pictures. I miss being able to throw it up into a bun. Or my beautiful trademark side swept bangs. I had killer bangs man. I look so different now. It makes me feel like someone else. I am no longer Jessica Kraft, I am some stranger with sickness on her face and extra pounds on her tummy. I just want to be the healthy Jessica I used to be. Why did I have to get cancer when I moved away from everything familiar. I moved away from all my loved ones the moment I needed them most. Why did it happen that way? All I know is that I am longing for the old days. If only I would have known what was in store for me maybe I would of appreciated things a lot more.

On a brighter note I do know that me having cancer has helped quit a few people. My fundraisers have given others the ideas of fundraisers. Apparently I inspire people with my positivity. And just recently a gal on Instagram reached out to me because she was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma as well. We became Facebook friends and chatted for a long bit. It's neat how cancer fighters/survivors can become friends instantly due to the bond of having cancer. Its nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling. And she told me that she was happy she found me because nobody understands what she is going through, but I do. So as long as I have done some good and helped one person feel better about their diagnoses then me having cancer isn't so bad.


If you are reading this and are in a giving mood then please feel free to check out my fundraiser. The donations have done wonders so far with my bills and they are still coming in so anything is welcome and appreciated. 
TEAM KRAFT Fundraiser


The Difference a year makes...
 Them bangs though...
Over halfway done...


“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.” 
― Beryl Markham






Tuesday, April 1, 2014

28 days...

I'm CURED!! April Fools! Not yet cured but hoping for good news on April 28th. I will have a pet scan scheduled here in the next 3 weeks and on the 28th my doctor will have the results and will let me know if I am almost done or have a much longer battle ahead of me. I hope I am almost done. I hope the poison I have put in my body these last three months has done some good. I feel like it is working but I don't want to jump the gun and jinx anything. I guess time will tell. The anxiety for that day is going to kill me this month. I am pretty much waiting to be told if I will live or die. I just can't wait for that day. I want to vomit just thinking about the results. 

I also want to mention that I cannot wait to get my own place after all this is done. I feel like I am 20 again waiting to move out of my moms house for the first time. I have all my stuff and all my furniture just sitting collecting dust. I can't wait to decorate my place and invite friends over for dinner. I am mostly excited to walk around naked again. What is funny is that since my mother has been staying with me for the past three months I think I have forgotten how to take care of myself. She does it all from the cleaning to the cooking to turning on my heating blanket. At least at this time I am still capable of wiping my own butt. But that could change depending on what these Pet Scan results are. 

I will just go over what it means for me if my Pet Scan comes back bad.  If I still have a lot of cancer in my body that means the chemo is not working and I will need a harsher chemo. From what my doctor has told me the harsher chemo includes 6 drugs instead of just 4. It will shorten my overall life. It will make me infertile for sure. I will be sicker and weaker and of course my odds of getting another cancer increases. On top of all that I will need radiation to my chest as well which as I have discussed before increases my chances of getting breast cancer and/or heart problems. I really don't know if I could handle all that. I guess we will find out in 28 days. 

I just want to get my normal life back. I know it will never ever be "normal" again but more normal than what I have had to deal with these past few months. I want to go to Vegas with my best gal pals since I have never had a true young woman adventure in Vegas. I hope that day can happen because we are all getting our hopes up. They seem so positive that I have this thing beat. I just don't want to get too excited just to be crushed if I get bad news. Someone said to expect the worst but hope for the best. I'll just live one day at a time and roll with the punches I guess. Well till next time kiddos.