Sunday, June 7, 2015

Chemoversary... What is it good for?

A year has gone by since my last ABVD treatment. Correction, my last AVD treatment, since the Bleomycin was cut out of the regimen after it tried to kill me. Ahh yes good times. Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. Friday was National Doughnut Day and when I had made a comment that I didn't know that was a thing, a coworker responded with "Who the heck doesn't know about doughnut day!" I bet a bear claw that she wasn't aware that today was National Cancer Survivors day. Who the heck doesn't know what Cancer is?

Anyways back to me! I remember hearing about people celebrating their chemoversaries and another year cancer free and I couldn't wait for that to be me. And now here we are a year later and I am ready to say its my Chemoversary! I did it. I survived a year, I am a survivor. And it falls so close to National Cancer Survivors Day. I planned that. I said hey cancer be gone on this day because it'll be kinda cool that the days are so close and people will be like oh man thats neat.... Just like how I told my Father to have the last name of Kraft so I could forever be asked "Are you related to the cheese company bruh?" Jokes.

So I was unknowingly chosen to be the face of Young Adult Cancer Survivors and Stupid Cancer for National Cancer Survivors day. Kinda cool scrolling through social media and see myself flipping the bird, saying to myself "I was wondering what happened to that picture!" Reading through the comments of that post made me feel honored I could be a part of such a great movement. We are one community and we flip the bird to cancer together!

The past 18 months I have learned and grown so much. I had my ups and downs and still do. From being diagnosed and spiraling down to healing and climbing back up. The journey isn't over and I can sense some people don't get that. My pity groupies have all since vanished. "Nobody cares unless you're Pretty or Dying." Those strangers that came out of the wood works to "help" me have gone back into hiding. The homies from grade schools days that reached out to be a part of something bigger have since gone back to being another Facebook acquaintance. Cancer helps you weed out the useless people in your life. And makes room for those who deserve your time. A lot of space opened up in my life and has since been filled with lifers!

As much as I want to sit here and say life is rainbows and sunshine, it's still not. Don't get me wrong, I and living life to the fullest when I can and am very grateful I am still here. But some days I just feel like I lost a part of me with the cancer. I just do not feel the same, it makes me feel like I am living with a stranger. Who is this person with short hair and scars everywhere. She looks nothing like me and her temperament is all over the place. And this makes me feel guilty. I survived cancer I should be happy every minute of everyday...but I'm not. Is something wrong with me? Here I am a year after chemotherapy and I am still conflicted over my cancer. So there it is, even after treatment, its not over. But then I also get those days where I say "I beat cancer, I can do this!" Ah I get it, I am bipolar. Figured it out. Done. We can move on now.

My chemoversary reminds me that life keeps going whether you want it to or not. I had a 6 month hiatus but the world kept spinning and bills still had to get paid and people still had to work. My chemoversary reminds me that for 6 months I was dancing with death and only got my toes stepped on, like, twice. My chemoversary reminds me that my mother took 6 months out of her life to care for me. My chemoversary reminds me that I am now apart of an exclusive club with some bad ass members! My chemoversary reminds me of all the times I cried in the shower thinking I was going to die alone. My chemoversary reminds me that things change. And that things get better. Thats what its good for.


Just keep swimming.