Heartbreak...

I have always heard people talk about their heart breaks. They said that they felt empty and their heart actually hurt. I have had my fair share of heart break and thought it was pretty rough. I understood that feeling of your heart actually hurting. But I have recently experienced true heart break. It ached deep in my body. I felt my heart just cracking and crumbling and I had a hard time finding a breath. This was a different pain. This was real and never ending. It consumed me and overwhelmed my senses. The world just faded away and all I could feel was the pain of this heartbreak. It happened all at once. No it wasn't a boy. No I didn't have a fight with a best friend. The moment I had to say my goodbyes to my grandmother was the moment my heart broke.

Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.

I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.

Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.

Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.

Jacqueline Frances King 

October 31st 1936- October 16th 2014

October...

Well it is October!! Its fall, Halloween is right around the corner, this is supposed to be a great month!!! But wait, why is everything pink? Oh that's right its Breast Cancer awareness month. Was anybody aware that last month was blood cancer awareness month? Of course not because nobody cares about the blood. Blood aint cute like titties are. Save the tatas. I heart boobies. Really? Way to sexualize and degrade a serious disease. Sure I am all for the awareness of the disease to raise money and help support research for a cure but is that what is really happening with all of the pink crap and so called "awareness?" A lot of companies are just using this as a way to make more money for themselves and not donating any of the proceeds. When you buy that "Save Second Base" shirt be sure that proceeds go to actual research! Its ridiculous this month has turned into a who can sell the most pink, booby crap.  It is also irritating to see all these people just hop on the bandwagon for the month and then forget about it the rest of the year. Breast cancer, along with all other cancers, is around every day, all year not just in October. One might say well breast cancer is a common cancer so everyone knows about it. Well my rebuttal to that is: EXACTLY! Why not bring awareness to the things people are not aware of! Isn't that the point? Breast cancer is serious and in no way am I saying it doesn't deserve to have a month of awareness. I am just trying to educate you people to be aware of other things as well or to stay committed throughout the year, not just when its cool to be aware. I think I will make a "I heart Nodes" T shirt. Or maybe "Save The Ovaries" shirt. What about "I <3 Testicles." Yes. Those should happen. Make cool shirts for all cancers!

I do not have breast cancer but I was told that my radiation increases my risk of breast cancer a significant amount and I am required to get mammograms here shortly to check. If I do ever get breast cancer I would probably just have a double mastectomy. I know its rough to go through something like that but in all honestly I would feel safer just getting rid of my tatas rather than doing a lumpectomy. I have met a few breast cancer survivors through my journey and a lot of them feel the same way about October. Its just ridiculous what this month has turned into. I support all the breast cancer survivors and wish them the best! We are all in the same Cancer Boat and we gotta stick together! Along with all my other cancer survivors and fighters. Lets bring awareness to the unknown and unfamiliar cancers! Share our stories and hope for the best!