Damn Roller Coaster...

This is my second blog post for today. And my earlier one was a positive post and good news and just a few hours later that all changes. Having cancer is worse than being bipolar. Your moods and thoughts change so rapidly its unbearable sometimes. I am overwhelmed with emotions right now, maybe it is because I am due to start my last period for the next year or maybe because I am listening to Adele or maybe its the cancer. Either way my mood went from amazing to damn... I have cancer.

I am so touched with all the support I have been receiving. But for some reason that makes me sad. People have been contacting me about my blog and it makes me feel like I'm part of a cool club. But not so cool. Bottom line is I have cancer. Whether it be the good cancer or not it is cancer. It kills people. I remember thinking when I was a kid that cancer was a death sentence. Once you got the C word that was it, your life is over. It can still be that way for some types of cancer. But me I'm "lucky," I got the good cancer but I could still die. I have moments where I just feel like this is the end for me, this is how my story ends. I haven't done much with my life, other than be the best that I can be. But what does that even mean? I haven't changed the world or done anything to be remembered by? What was/is my mission? I am young. I haven't even lived! But then I think well thats life, people die everyday, young and old. What would make me the exception to survive this? Nothing.

Now you will say "well just be positive and you'll beat this! Its all attitude." Yes. Attitude is a factor and I am sure it doesn't hurt. But you get cancer and then tell me how you are oh so positive all the time. Its not possible. I am going through the biggest battle of my life thus far and hopefully ever and I am allowed to be sad or mad or feel however I want.

My boss did the honor of telling my coworkers my diagnoses today. I have been out all week for testing and Christmas so I am sure they were getting curious. A few coworkers reached out to me today and I realized why. I am the pathetic new girl that got cancer. I moved to Seattle to start new and fresh and I am about to spend most of 2014 sick. Hopefully just sick though. Fingers are really crossed that I can beat this. Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong and I can beat this. Damn straight I am strong. All those people don't even know all the shit that has happened in my life that gave me my strength. But cancer definitely picked the wrong bitch. I am not going down without a fight. I refuse to lose. I am also too stubborn to lose this battle. Really cancer? After everything else in my 24 years of life you challenge ME??

I am tired though. I am just getting started with this battle and some of the time I already feel beaten. Why? Why me? I read other peoples blogs about this and it is just as depressing because other people are feeling what I am feeling and that sucks. Cancer sucks. I would never wish this on anybody. And the future? Do I have one? Can I plan ahead? And dream about the future? I saw an ad for speed dating and was like "OOO that would be fun! oh wait... can't.... I have cancer." Oh and my cats could kill me if they scratch me while I am doing chemo. Or if I kiss them. If someone vacuums I have to leave, the dust could kill me. Kids? Little germ bombs ready to go off and kill me. The public? A festering pool of killers. UUHHHGGG!

Sometimes I just don't know. This shit is real. And anybody can get it for no reason. I should of gone to church more. Should of been nicer to people. Should of gave more bums money. Maybe its just karma. Life just makes no sense and its irritating. I am scared to death of death. Thats it, the end, no more. I can't even think about that I start hyperventilating. Am I really strong enough to beat this thing and live a long and happy life? According to the stages of grief I already had denial. Now I think I am on anger and bargaining and depression. Oh well after those three is acceptance. I hope I get to that point fast.

If this is the end I will be pissed off that the last 6 months of my life were me not feeling well enough to do anything. That would blow. Motha Effin CANCER!! Get this mother fuckin cancer out my mother fuckin body! Maybe getting cancer and telling my story is my mission. It may inspire someone. Oh god thats depressing. But I am glad I could help. Now I can't sleep because I have all these wild thoughts running through my head.

Pretty Amazing...

Hello All!
The last few days have been to say the least, pretty amazing. Let me start at where we left off which was on Christmas day. So the following day I had a few appointments and wrapped up all my pre chemo appointments. Those were the easiest of all the tests done so far. I was radioactive for a bit which was fun! Not really, it felt like nothing. I was starving though because the day before (Christmas) I was on a protein only diet and all I had was eggs so all I ate was eggs. Life is miserable without food!!! I love food. So after my appointment I went and got a medium pizza all for myself and sat in Round Table Pizza by myself and chowed down. (My computer is telling me chowed isn't a word. It's trippin.) Anyways it was heaven. 

Today I had my port surgery which went surprisingly well. I was in and out in a matter of hours, it went much better than my bone marrow biopsy thats for sure. Portia is doing well. She is located above my armpit where my bra strap rests which is weird. This next week should be a regular week for me. Back to work and a normal life, then... chemo starts. Bring it. 

Anyways lets talk about the pretty amazing stuff. A friend showed me a website that you can design a Tshirt and then sell them for a fundraiser. I did a survey with friends and family and it went over really well so I decided to do that. The shirts have a personal message, so the people that know me will get a kick out of them. And if strangers wanted to buy one well it's still funny. If you are reading this and want to get one the link and info will be below. I think after the Tshirt fundraiser is done I will set up a regular fundraiser for all those people that don't like witty Tshirts and just want to give money. I am not greedy, I'm thoughtful. 

What has been amazing is all the people that are being extremely supportive of all of this. I just launched the Tshirt website and as I type people are buying up shirts and it is making my heart melt. I knew I had a handful of friends that would support me but when I did my survey of who would buy a shirt I was moved. People actually care. People are not selfish. People like to help. Maybe I am just lucky enough to have such amazing people in my life. Why haven't I realized this sooner? Either way these people have no idea how much I appreciate them. 


Just an update: My amazing Oncologist called me tonight to tell me my bone marrow biopsy came back negative. Which means I am only a stage 3!! WOOT WOOT. 

Want to buy a shirt?

www.tfund.com/TeamKraft

Bone Marrow Biopsy Extravaganza...

Well I had my bone marrow biopsy the other day and let me tell you, YIKES!  I went in thinking it wasn't going to be that bad. I knew it would hurt but my doctor told me its just like going to the dentist, not so bad right? Dentist Schmentist I got this. I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 AM and the procedure was supposed to start at 9:30. First they tried to get some blood and they couldn't find a vein, so I got poked right in the middle of my arm, between my elbow and hand, it was the most random spot. Sure enough my arm wasn't having it and literally pushed the needle back out of my arm. So they called another nurse in and they decided to just put an IV in the normal spot in the bend of my arm. Easy, peasy lemon squeezy. 

Then turns out one of my nurses just finished chemo for breast cancer and decided to share all her wise wisdom with me. Which I guess I understand because she has been through it and wanted to share how she did it but she ended up just making me feel weak and that I couldn't handle having cancer. She is a mom and a nurse and "didn't have the time to be sick." What did that make me? A weak coward that can't work and be normal while having cancer? I just want to handle my cancer the way I want to handle it, Kapeesh? 

Anyways back to the bone marrow biopsy. So they numbed my butt up a lot and gave me meds through my IV that made me feel awesome!! But as he kept going further and further it started to hurt. So they gave me more meds. Towards the end my whole leg started to hurt as if I had pulled a muscle but worse. So they ended the biopsy and as he counted down to pull the needle out of my butt bone I was just waiting for the pain to go away. When he got to 1 and the pain didn't subside I knew something was wrong. They waited a few minutes and gave me more meds and when it still didn't get better they advised me that the doctor most likely nicked a nerve. So what was supposed to be a quick procedure turned into a 9 hour day at the hospital. Because they gave me so many pain meds my BP got really low. Then they tried to flush the meds out of my system but that caused my butt to hurt. They then gave me Vicodin which made me nauseous. Lets just say the bone marrow biopsy was a hot mess. After about 9 hours I was sent home. Two days later and my butt still hurts, not as bad, but still hurts.

Today is Christmas and I am on a high protein diet for my PET scan tomorrow. And then Friday I am having my port surgery. I think I have decided to name her Portia. Cheesy but my friends suggested that and I thought it was funny. 

This has been a rough week and its just getting rougher. Monday I felt horrible with the pain and nausea and just being tired and I realized that's how I will most likely feel for the next six months. It was depressing but I will get through this, I know I can. 

Overwhelming emotions...

It is getting harder and harder to remain positive and act like nothing is happening. I have cancer. I am going to lose my hair, I am going to get sick, I am going to change. I am 24 years old, by the time of my my 4th chemo I will be 25 years old. I am currently single and I am okay with being single but I of course had dreams and hopes of getting married one day and having a family and right now all of that seems like it will never happen. The crazy thoughts that go through my mind are: Who could love someone with cancer? Who would date someone who had cancer? What if I die? What if I become infertile during this process? I understand how silly some of those questions are but they do cross my mind and its tough. I just moved from southern California to Seattle Washington. I left everyone I have ever known in California and now most of my time in Washington is spent alone where all these crazy thoughts take over. 

Will I ever be myself again? Will I ever be able to act my age? Go to parties? Go out and enjoy life with friends? Go on dates? Be spontaneous? I guess we will see what I am capable of very soon. I should of enjoyed my life more. I should of been more spontaneous. I should of done things differently. But then again if I did I wouldn't be where or who I am today and I am proud of that. Cancer definitely changes who you are. 

I don't plan on dying, I will not let the cancer win, but after everything you read and hear and see about cancer it is still scary. It is getting overwhelming. So much is happening and so fast. My life is changing at the blink of an eye. I never would of guessed this would be happening to me and I am still confused as to why me? But then again everyone asks that when something bad happens to them. People ask: Why do bad things happen to good people? Bad things happen to everyone because that is life, get over it. You can be the best person in the world and bad shit will still happen to you. It is unavoidable. I am not saying everyone will get cancer but everyone definitely fights their own battles. 

I have the "good" cancer. Thats right the good kind, the curable kind, the kind you hope to get if you are gonna get cancer. It is still cancer and it still makes people look at you differently. Oh well I have been through a lot in my life and I am strong enough to handle anything thrown at me even if it is cancer. Keep Calm and Fuck Cancer. 

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.

So its begun...

Today I felt like I accomplished a lot. I had my first appointment with my Oncologist. All the unknowns are now known and I still feel the same. My doctor advised me that based on the information we have so far it shows that I am at least a stage 3. I am under going more tests to determine if I am a stage 4. With lymphoma the stages don't really mean anything, just because you are at a higher stage doesn't mean you have less time to live. The stages pretty much just say how much cancer you have in your body and from what we can tell right now I have quite a bit of cancer in my chest, neck and abdomen. I have a bone marrow biopsy scheduled for this up coming Monday and I am not looking forward to that. I have heard it is pretty darn painful. My doctor advised me that I will be doped up and not be able to feel anything and that it will be bearable. We will see. The Monday after that I have an appointment to get my portacath. And this following week I should get a few other tests done I am just waiting for them to tell me when. The estimated start date of chemo is January 6th as long as all the tests are done. And I was advised I will most likely need chemo for 6 months. What a great start to 2014.

After all this one would think that the diagnoses of cancer would be setting in but as of right now it still feels surreal. At the Oncologist appointment my doctor pointed out how me and my best friend Katie were in such good spirits for the current situation. We were laughing and joking through the whole appointment. I know this is a serious issue and trust me I have had plenty of serious moments but its good that I have a friend that can turn the hardest of times into bearable and fun adventures. Just a quick shout out to my best friend/ sister Katie. She has gone above and beyond making sure I am comfortable and well taken care of. I am so blessed to have my support system and all the people willing to do anything to help me out.

At this point I am glad to have this process started. For the last few weeks I felt like I have just been doing a bunch of waiting and wondering. Now I have a time frame and can start planning for the future. I have decided to go on a leave of absence from work. I work in a bank and decided with all the germs out there it would be safer for me to just not work. My boss is also being very understanding with the process which is a load off my chest. 

Soon I will be cutting my hair shorter before it starts falling out. Then when it falls out ill just SHAVE IT OFF. I have always wanted to see how I would look with a pixie cut and now is my chance. Always looking on the bright side of things I guess. The day my hair falls out will probably be when the cancer diagnoses will hit me and I will probably get emotional. Its not that my hair is what defines me and I wont feel pretty without it, (I am gonna rock this cancer look, I plan on meeting my future husband in chemo) I just feel thats the moment the cancer will be real and what is happening to me will finally be real.

I have also been pondering the thought of starting a fundraiser. Is that silly? Is that needy? I have seen people start a fundraiser and raise money for their cause and all is well. But I personally have a hard time asking others for help. I like to take care of myself and so having to need help with all of this has been difficult. I already have family that will help me with the medical bills but as for additional bills and anything that I will need while I am out of work, additional funds would be helpful and maybe even help with those medical bills as well. I will argue with myself on if this is the right thing to do or not till the very last minute. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try and see if there are any kind hearts out there willing to help a young adult living on her own in a new state and newly diagnosed with cancer. Not that I am trying to make myself sound pathetic or anything. THE INTERNAL STRUGGLE. 

Well I am off to hunt for a FUCK CANCER T-shirt for when I start chemo. 

And below is just a funny picture of me after I had my lymph node biopsy:

If it weren't for cancer, I'd say I had the perfect life. But if it weren't for cancer would I even realize this?

It spread like wild fire...

As of last night only a select few were aware of my diagnoses. I wasn't sure how to tell people or if I even wanted them to know. How do you tell friends and family you have cancer? Just shoot them a group text like "Yo guys soooo I have cancer, that is all TTYL ILY." First of all I don't really text like that, I mean I did seriously debate with myself whether to send "Yo I have cancer." But the TTYL and ILY so not me. ANYWAYS, last night upon my diagnoses I decided I would start a board on Pinterest as silly as that sounds. First there are some handy things out there that I could use in the future about this diagnoses but also I thought it would be a good way for some people to see it. I guess in a way it was the easy way out instead of me having to tell them, they would see it and have to ask me. To each his own when it comes to how you want to deal with this. For me the people really close to me were there since the beginning of testing and before the C word was even a possibility so it wasn't a total shock when I was diagnosed. But as for everyone else, all my friends in California and all my coworkers and anybody else that cared to know, how was I supposed to tell them without sounding selfish, as silly as that sounds. 

In my mind telling friends I had cancer was kinda like saying "Hey feel bad for me." I know my friends and family didn't think that when they found out but I didn't want to burden anybody with the C word. So for me to start a board in Pinterest started the fire. By the next morning I had text messages up the wazoo asking if I was okay, if I had cancer or if it was a family member. Its nice to know people care, even if that was the first time I had talked to them in AGES. From there people were texting each other. My cancer diagnoses spread like wild fire. 

This is also the time I started noticing the "Things you shouldn't say to a cancer patient." I'm sure it will get worse as this is really only the first day of this long process but already its annoying. I do know my friends and family are only trying to help so its okay to say the wrong thing, for now. I am sure I will have a blog about that alone in the future. At this point there are still a lot of people that don't know, including my coworkers. I feel when the time is right I will tell my coworkers until then I don't want them to treat me differently. I just started my position almost 3 months ago when I moved here and already they have noticed me having a lot of time off. I don't know if they are aware its for doctors appointments or not but either way I am sure they are not pleased. And I feel bad I have to miss work for these appointments but my health is more important than my job, so I will do what I have to do to win this battle. 

Update: I have an appointment with an Oncologist this Friday. I am hoping to get more details on this C word and find out when I can start chemo. I hear there is a possibility of more testing in my future such as a bone marrow biopsy and pet scans and more blood tests and of course my portacath surgery. For those that do not know a portacath is a port that is surgically inserted into your chest and that is where they will do the chemo and blood tests and supposedly it's the less painful way to do everything. Whelp until next time kiddos. 

The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.

Probably...

This is my first blog and I do not know where to start so I guess I will just go and see where we end up. This blog is about my fight with Hodgkins Lymphoma. When I was told I "probably" had Hodgkins Lymphoma it really helped me by reading all the blogs out there, its a comfort knowing you are not alone and that others are going through or went through the same thing as you.

As of right now I am not sure where my story really began. About a year ago from today, lets say the end of 2012, I was getting swollen lymph-nodes occasionally that would come and go and doctors told me "not to worry," "you're just sick it will go away." I believed them not thinking much about it other than the occasional joke to a friend "its probably cancer." Then in August 2013 I had one lymph-node swell and it was not going anywhere. I went to the doctor again, I was a self proclaimed Hypochondriac, the doctors finally took notice and decided to do some testing. A thyroid ultrasound showed a few slightly inflamed lymph-nodes in my neck. From there I went and saw an ENT. At this point I was moving from southern California to Seattle Washington in about two weeks, this puts our date at mid September. The ENT recommended two weeks of antibiotics but I advised him that I was moving and couldn't do that so he said "Well lets just do a needle biopsy right now then." He pulled out a GIANT needle and proceeded to stick my neck with it a few times and suck out whatever was inside. It was an odd feeling, as if I were an inflatable mattress and my air was being sucked out by a vacuum and then got shocked by electricity. Needless to say a few days later my Doctor called me and left a voicemail saying it was negative and if it got worse to see a doctor in Seattle. So I forgot about it and focused on uprooting myself from my life long home and starting a new adventure two states away from everything I had ever known.

When I finally settled down in Seattle Washington I started setting up my life again. I needed to find a doctor so I could set up Physical Therapy appointments for my knee. (3 months prior I had ACL reconstructive surgery) While at the doctor he did a physical and noticed the swollen lymph-node on my neck and got curious. At this point I had a really bad cold as well so he prescribed antibiotics for the cold and the lymph-node. As soon as I was done with the antibiotics the lymph-nodes on my neck got pissed off to say the least. They got bigger, harder, meaner and started taking over my whole neck, my collar bone had disappeared. I went back to see my doctor and he was definitely curious so he had me do a chest Xray right then and there. When I walked back to the room he was there with the Xray and said it looked like I had some more lymph-nodes in my chest. From there he ordered some blood tests and a CT scan. Before I left that appointment he gave me a word to google. That word was lymphadenopathy. Let me tell you as soon as I got out of the office I pulled out my phone and googled it. The results were nothing good. Anyways, I got my blood taken that day and the next day he called and said my blood tests were suspicious. A few days later I had my CT and the day after that my doctor called again and said I had a bunch of swollen lymph-nodes in my chest and even in my abdomen from what they could see. At that point he said to me "It doesn't look good." At this point I blacked out for a little while and didn't hear much of what he said till he said "It looks like Lymphoma," after that I blacked out for the rest of the day.

I have cancer? I HAVE CANCER! How, Why, What?? I had so many questions. His nurse came on the phone and told me she set me up an appointment to have a biopsy done to confirm. A few days later I had the biopsy done. (Which hurts for days after.) That leads us to today. Today, after 6 days of wondering and waiting it was confirmed that I have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I am hoping to get an appointment with my Oncologist sometime this week and get more details on my cancer and what is next. I am pretty familiar with the process as for almost 2 weeks I had known I "probably" had cancer and googled the heck out of everything.

I knew I wanted to do a blog since the moment I started researching and I figured today was just as good a day than any to start my journey with the C word.

Before I go I want to discuss my symptoms because this was really helpful to me when I was researching. First of course was the swollen lymph-node. I also itched REALLY bad for a while. So bad I would make myself bleed and leave scratch marks all over my body. I also had night sweats, to the point you feel like someone dropped a bucket of water on you while you were sleeping. And I was really tired all the time. All these things I just thought had obvious reasons, like I sweat because the heater was too high, I itch because my skin is dry and I'm tired because I work all the time. Until I started doing my research and realized those are all symptoms of Hodgkins Lymphoma.

In conclusion of my first post I just want to say that I never thought it would happen to me. I would never get cancer I am healthy, I work out and play sports and stay active, I don't smoke, I don't do anything that would give me cancer.... But here we are. I am ready to fight this thing and win. Cheers to the start of an epic battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma. FUCK CANCER.