Monday, November 16, 2015

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Here we are again! Its been a long time since my last post. I have just been busy getting back to real life and getting back on track. I have had a lot of time to ponder things and life and changes and people. I have recently been through some big events in my life. One as you all know was a cancer diagnoses and most recently I have gotten engaged! As you all know a lot of my previous blogs were about me dying alone, which was almost true. But here we are 1.5 years post chemo and I am engaged. Who would have thunk it!

Now this gets me to one of the many things I had pondered. I of course started my planning right away and one of the major things is the guest list. I bought a book on wedding planning and it gives you a break down on how to pick guests but even with that it is hard. We are planning a smaller wedding and so we have to be picky with our guest list. But upon licking the envelopes to send out the save the dates, I realized I had a much smaller pile than my fiancé'. Is he cooler than me? (He is pretty cool!) One of my excuses was that I had moved away from my home town and lost touch with people. But that couldn't be it because he had done the same thing at the same time. Bottom line is he probably is cooler than me and is better at keeping in touch with people. But I also remember while going through my diagnosis I was miss popular! Where did all those people go? I had messages and texts and letters on a daily basis. And now that I am better and happy and living life with no sign of cancer all the people have vanished. Was I the hot fad of the season? Was I the juicy gossip at the time? Was I that charity case that everyone wanted to know about?

After I didn't die and my hair grew back the people faded away. They moved on to the next big thing. But when I announced that I will be getting married....those people were no where to be found. I guess that just teaches me a lot about people in general. You can interpret how you will. I guess that could be taken a few different ways. But to me it shows people care about your worst times to make themselves feel better. But when it comes to someone else's happiness they don't care. That is ok. In the end I know who is truly there for me in my best and worst times and that is a pretty good gift to come out of all of this.

Cheers to those people who have been around thick and thin, bald and hairy! You the real MVP!!


Friday, October 23, 2015

Back to the future...

Hello Skids!!

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything but I will back in full force. I have a new computer thats ready to handle everything I can dish out! And boy oh boy do I have a lot of new things to share!

So Stay Tuned!!!




Sunday, June 7, 2015

Chemoversary... What is it good for?

A year has gone by since my last ABVD treatment. Correction, my last AVD treatment, since the Bleomycin was cut out of the regimen after it tried to kill me. Ahh yes good times. Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. Friday was National Doughnut Day and when I had made a comment that I didn't know that was a thing, a coworker responded with "Who the heck doesn't know about doughnut day!" I bet a bear claw that she wasn't aware that today was National Cancer Survivors day. Who the heck doesn't know what Cancer is?

Anyways back to me! I remember hearing about people celebrating their chemoversaries and another year cancer free and I couldn't wait for that to be me. And now here we are a year later and I am ready to say its my Chemoversary! I did it. I survived a year, I am a survivor. And it falls so close to National Cancer Survivors Day. I planned that. I said hey cancer be gone on this day because it'll be kinda cool that the days are so close and people will be like oh man thats neat.... Just like how I told my Father to have the last name of Kraft so I could forever be asked "Are you related to the cheese company bruh?" Jokes.

So I was unknowingly chosen to be the face of Young Adult Cancer Survivors and Stupid Cancer for National Cancer Survivors day. Kinda cool scrolling through social media and see myself flipping the bird, saying to myself "I was wondering what happened to that picture!" Reading through the comments of that post made me feel honored I could be a part of such a great movement. We are one community and we flip the bird to cancer together!

The past 18 months I have learned and grown so much. I had my ups and downs and still do. From being diagnosed and spiraling down to healing and climbing back up. The journey isn't over and I can sense some people don't get that. My pity groupies have all since vanished. "Nobody cares unless you're Pretty or Dying." Those strangers that came out of the wood works to "help" me have gone back into hiding. The homies from grade schools days that reached out to be a part of something bigger have since gone back to being another Facebook acquaintance. Cancer helps you weed out the useless people in your life. And makes room for those who deserve your time. A lot of space opened up in my life and has since been filled with lifers!

As much as I want to sit here and say life is rainbows and sunshine, it's still not. Don't get me wrong, I and living life to the fullest when I can and am very grateful I am still here. But some days I just feel like I lost a part of me with the cancer. I just do not feel the same, it makes me feel like I am living with a stranger. Who is this person with short hair and scars everywhere. She looks nothing like me and her temperament is all over the place. And this makes me feel guilty. I survived cancer I should be happy every minute of everyday...but I'm not. Is something wrong with me? Here I am a year after chemotherapy and I am still conflicted over my cancer. So there it is, even after treatment, its not over. But then I also get those days where I say "I beat cancer, I can do this!" Ah I get it, I am bipolar. Figured it out. Done. We can move on now.

My chemoversary reminds me that life keeps going whether you want it to or not. I had a 6 month hiatus but the world kept spinning and bills still had to get paid and people still had to work. My chemoversary reminds me that for 6 months I was dancing with death and only got my toes stepped on, like, twice. My chemoversary reminds me that my mother took 6 months out of her life to care for me. My chemoversary reminds me that I am now apart of an exclusive club with some bad ass members! My chemoversary reminds me of all the times I cried in the shower thinking I was going to die alone. My chemoversary reminds me that things change. And that things get better. Thats what its good for.


Just keep swimming.





Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Cheers.

Hello there world! It has been almost two months since my last post! Sorry to leave you devoted followers out in the cold. I purposely haven't written anything in so long, well because nothing too exciting has happened. But like a devoted leader I will grace you with an update!

As most of you know I started dating a lovely fella a few months ago and I am proud to say that is still going strong. I have had followers come out of the word work to say they are happy my story is turning in to a happy one. This time last year I was writing about being alone forever, who would want damaged goods? Well let me tell you, my damaged goods are definitely wanted! The special person in my life makes it known daily that I am beautiful and appreciated. Even with my lesbian hair that has me oh so self conscious and depressed. Even with all my scars and side effects. Even with the hovering cloud of what if. It is definitely a great feeling to have that in my life at the moment. Life is rough and everyone has their baggage that they hope will be accepted by everyone they care about. I know my situation is rough and hard to accept. It may not be for everyone, in fact, I know its not for everyone. But it is okay because at the moment I have someone who is willing to be by my side while we walk through the shadows of the unknown. And for that I am grateful.

That is just a peak into my life getting back to "normal." I have recently joined a soccer team which I am looking forward to. I have been more active and slowly getting my body back to what it was before cancer and, well, knee surgery. I have lost almost all the weight I put on during chemo and steroid usage. So that's nice. I feel as if I am getting the old active Jessica back. She hasn't been around to enjoy all that Washington has to offer!

I did want to mention that I had a scan in January. It didn't come back clear but I was horribly ill with the sickness that was going around at the time. So my doctors seem to think that could of been it but one can never be too sure dealing with someone who has already had cancer. They decided to do a biopsy of my tonsils and that test came back inconclusive as the specimen was too small. But let me tell you a tonsil biopsy hurts like a bitch. They say they will numb you but all that went numb was my tongue and that was too stop me from screaming out mother fucker during the procedure. My doctor decided it might be best to just wait for 6 months till my next scan and see whats going on. Sooo again we will wait and watch and see and have no answers. I am becoming an expert on not getting any answers. AM I RIGHT!? YOU KNOW! You know.

For the most part I am just trying to enjoy life. I feel like I may almost get what my new normal is. I still think I will never be the old normal Jessica once was but I am definitely on my way to understanding and accepting my new normal. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of utter depression mostly because (this is dumb) of my hair. I really miss my long hair. I miss feeling like an attractive lady. Now most of the time I feel like a 12 year old who hasn't hit puberty yet and still lets her mom cut her hair but its not a cute hair cut its the "I don't want my baby girl to grow up so I will give her a 3 year olds hair cut so boys don't like her and she will live at home forever and not be tainted by the bad world" hair cut. I know you know what I am talking about! Especially right now at this awkward stage. I would rather shave it again and be the bad ass chick with a shaved head than the oblivious 12 year old. I guess I can focus on the fact that ITS JUST HAIR and it will grow back. I beat cancer for goodness sake who cares about hair. Well as pitiful as it is girls care about hair. Guys care about hair. Everyone cares about hair. AH! Oh well. I am really happy that a boy took a chance on a bald girl though. Faith in humanity restored.

I am trying to make 2015 the year of yes. I have so many trips planned and fun activities. Enjoying life is the reason for living. Experiencing the unknown and going on adventures. Pushing yourself to see whats next. I have the best of friends who will join me on this ride and the best boyfriend to explore with! If anybody out there is reading this and is at the point I was this time last year let me tell you: keep your head up. Enjoy the little things. Cry when you need to. Ask for help when you need to. Don't be afraid to need you time! Don't be afraid to need people time. Having cancer is rough and it feels like your world is ending but it doesn't have to. I have been there and I went through it and I still have my moments of WHY ME! And I am sure I will still have those moments in the future. But what I can do is enjoy the time I have in the moment. Who knows what my next scan will show but until then I plan on living. I will enjoy what time I do have with the people I love. Heck even if you don't have cancer and are perfectly fit and fine still take my advice. It took me a while to get to this point and who knows how long this feeling of SEIZE THE DAY will last but while its hear I will try to give you all a glimmer of hope.

Life can be gone in an instant. Say I love you. Smell the roses. And breathe in that fresh air.
Cheers.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

2015

Today last year was my first chemo. Yuck. I remember it like it was yesterday. I spent the whole day in the chemo ward. It was a long careful process that felt surreal. I remember thinking that I was in a dream. There was no way I had cancer. It was a nightmare not a dream! The nurses wanted to go through every detail, every side effect, everything that may lead to my death. Yeah yeah I get it I could die whatever lets just get this going. I just cannot believe a year ago I started a giant fight with cancer. This time last year I also chopped off all my long hair as a preemptive strike against the C WORD! This year has flown by and I can't believe where I am now compared to last year. It makes me so emotional. But this year is starting off on a much better note. I have a new position in a branch right by my house which eliminates a 2 hour commute. I received a pay increase. I have such great friends. I have a fella in my life. And well I am cancer FREE!!! Lets hop back to the fella thing. Y'all remember my posts about dying alone and who could like someone with cancer or short hair, yeah well I am going to slap old me in the face and tell her to hush!

This past year has been a wild ride and boy am I glad 2014 is over. I ended 2013 thinking I was starting a new adventure in a new land and that all my wildest dreams and aspirations would come true. Boy was I wrong. I started a new job having no idea what I was doing. I had no friends. I was lonely. I was sick. Then it turned out I had cancer. That was just a swell way to start 2014. I am super grateful I had Katie and her family here to take care of me. Without them I probably would have died. Honestly. What would I have done being utterly alone and diagnosed with cancer? Lets not think about that because thankfully I did have somebody. As time went on I found out who my true friends were and who the cancer groupies were. I even met some great new friends through cancer. During this time I also had many breakdowns thinking my life was over and that I was going to die before I got to experience many things. It was a tough and emotional year filled with sickness, death, sadness, loneliness and epiphanies. I could not wait for 2015 to arrive.

As 2014 went on I thought who could ever like a person with cancer? Who would like someone who was now damaged goods? I have learned a lot and came a long way. I went on dates and debated if dating was even for me. Should I wait till I am better? Should I never date? Should I get 10 more cats and call it a day? As time went on I realized I wanted to date and that people would just have to accept me and what I look like and what my story was. Some people ran away without looking back, others had a morbid curiosity. Oh well, it was all worth it because I found one that likes me for me, short lesbian hair and all. 

I am glad to say 2015 is starting out pretty awesome and I can't wait to see what else it brings. I mentioned this last year but this year will be the year of YES. I said year a lot in that last sentence but get over it.  I want to experience new things. I want to go on adventures. This time last year I was too sick to even get off the couch most of the time. I remember staying up all night with all these wild thoughts racing through my mind. Am I going to die? Am I going to ruin my body. Am I going to ruin my life. Will I get other cancers? What if this never goes away? Crying in the shower so nobody could see I was falling apart and not as strong as they all thought. Lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking maybe it would be better if I just died. My mom could of went home to her husband in California instead of taking care of me 24-7. Katie could spend time with her daughter rather than sitting in the hospital waiting for my surgeries to be over. My grandmother could focus on her own health rather than worrying her granddaughter wasn't gonna make it to the summer. And my aunt wouldn't have to watch her niece go through something she just endured herself. So many lives interrupted because of cancer. My cancer.

To this day I still wish I could be a ball of sunshine but that has yet to happen. I am still bitter and upset. I am grateful I made it out alive but for what? I need a purpose now. I need to accomplish something otherwise why am I alive? Why did I put everyone through that nonsense just to let my life go to waste. Maybe I am just meant to enjoy this second chance. Not worry about the little things, rather, enjoy the little things. I am trying. 

I have my six month scan this month. I haven't had a scan since before I had radiation done to eliminate the last of the "cancer." I'll be a nervous wreck as it gets closer. What if its back or never fully went away? I don't want to go through all that again. My body is still recovering from chemo and radiation. I have finally lost my moon face from the steroids. But my body still has some chemo weight I gained during treatment and I feel as if my hair isn't growing and I will be stuck with short hair forever! My skin is all kinds of weird colors. And the body hair.... I look like Teen Wolf. Oh well! 

Well cheers to 2015 and lets hope for a healthy, happy, adventurous year!