Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Don' tell me...

So please don't tell me that chemo will kill me. That chemo will just give me more cancer. That there are alternatives to chemo. That if I eat better I can beat cancer or if I prayed more I can beat cancer without chemo. I understand that everyone has their own beliefs. But when I found out I could have cancer I didn't have much time to research my other options. My doctor said that chemo would be my best option to beat this. My cancer is very responsive to chemo. I am completely aware that yes me having cancer in the first place already increases my chances of getting another cancer in the future. And I am aware that chemo increases my chances as well and also increases my chances of other things going wrong with me. There is also a chance that after I beat this I will have a very long and fruitful life. 

Not a day passes that I don't worry what else will come my way. Or that maybe I will get another cancer as soon as I beat this one. Until you are in my shoes and go through this you have no right to say  what I should or shouldn't do or what will be good for me. I hope every day that after I beat this I can have a normal life and do all the things I really want to do with my life. 

I thought I knew everything I needed to know about my cancer and that I would have no more surprises. I was wrong. I had my 2nd chemo this past Monday and the blood tests showed that I have no immune system. That is expected with chemo but sometimes doctors decided to skip chemo and wait for your white blood count to come back up but my doctor seems to think since I am healthy (perfectly healthy other than the cancer) and young that I will be okay. The only thing is I have to be extra careful as a little cold could be the death of me. I have antibiotics on reserve just in case I get a fever then I gotta run to the ER. These next 5 months are gonna be extra hard trying to avoid all the germs in this disgusting world. 

The symptoms are like clockwork. Tuesday after I feel fine. Then Wednesdays I wake up feeling a little nauseous as the day goes on my mouth feels weird. I get tingles and my tongue goes a little numb. Then Thursday I feel better but still not myself. I get shooting pains throughout my body that last till friday and I will probably end up constipated and in pain from that come the weekend. YAY. 

Also my doctor says my hair should start falling out within the next 2 weeks or so... I am almost out of shampoo and conditioner so this couldn't be better timing! I am a little worried though because so far the symptoms haven't been too bad. I haven't had to throw up and I haven't had explosive diarrhea... What if my hair doesn't fall out? I chopped my hair off for nothing! Well not really, at least I know I look like a lesbian with short hair. 

Only 10 more days of chemo!! Spread over the next 5 months... Oh well hopefully come July I will have beaten this and I can finally get my life back on track. I haven't played soccer in almost a year and boy do I miss it! First the knee injury took me out and now this. I just want my old life back. A job I knew, soccer every Saturday, softball every Tuesday and drinks with friends whenever I wanted. Now I am confined to a house that isn't even mine and I can't do anything without the thought that I'll catch something and die. I did start cancer Yoga though so I guess I have that to look forward too. Other than the fear of dying before I can do everything I want to do I guess I am doing pretty well. 

Here is my fundraiser if you want to donate!
Team Kraft








"Anyone can give up, It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength."


Monday, January 13, 2014

First week after...

Well it has been a week since my first chemo session. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. The day after chemo I felt like my normal self and had a normal day. Then Wednesday I woke up and felt nauseous and not myself but it was bearable. I had my medicine on hand just in case. Most of Wednesday I spent asleep on the couch, medicated. Needless to say I don't remember much and it was not as bad as I thought. Thursday I woke up and felt almost normal. I had a headache most of the day. Friday I woke up and was depressed. I was having shooting pains all throughout my body and just kept thinking it was the cancer and it was pissed off I was trying to fight it so it decided to fight back. We are all allowed bad days and I had my bad day. For the most part I hear I handled chemo pretty well and that this will be how I handle it in the future. I guess time will tell. Side note: My cat REALLY loves heating blankets. Old bitty must love the heat on her old bitty bones. We fight over the heating blanket. 

Anyways, come Saturday I had a headache again but I managed to get up and go to dinner at my friends house. While there I started getting side pain which eventually turned into abdominal pain. My hypochondriac side came out and jumped to the worst conclusions, but since I have cancer I have to jump to the worst conclusions now as a cat scratch could kill me. After a few hours of hoping I just had to fart I realized I didn't just have to fart. I decided to go to the emergency room just in case. They had a theory it could be kidney stones, appendicitis or a twisted ovary. Knowing my luck it was all three. After a vaginal and regular ultrasound and a CT my doctor came in to tell me "sorry we don't know what is causing this." They gave me some pain meds and sent me on my way. Let me tell you I am getting pretty fond of all the pain meds I end up with while in the hospital. Don't worry though, I wont get addicted... After a few days of what feels like REALLY bad cramps I have come to the conclusion it is prob a mix of constipation and a messed up menstrual cycle. I am eating prunes as I type hoping to unclog the chemo filled pipes and feel better. 

On another note my already anemic body has become even more anemic thanks to the cancer. So I have to get Iron infusions along with my chemo. I had that today and it looked like pure vanilla extract being shot into my system. Bottom line with that is my red blood cells are not regenerating? Is that the right term? As my nurse put it, I don't have any iron on back up for when red blood count gets low and needs to create new blood. And if my body cant create new blood I will need a transfusion and that just comes with a whole new set of problems. So please, shoot me full of vanilla extract. 

Today I also went to my first support group. I met a gal who introduced me to all kinds of support groups and activities for young people with cancer. For the most part what I learned today was even though I am sick and can't do much, I should take this time to do whatever I have always wanted to do. No better day than today. I will start yoga. I will start painting again. I will go on adventures and I will do whatever the heck I want to do because I can. It's amazing how positive these people remain after they have gone through so much. It makes me feel silly for being depressed for one day. I have pretty good chances and the good cancer, I shouldn't be looking at this like a death sentence. I have a week until my second chemo, I am going to enjoy it even if my body feels like its giving up. I will keep going. I will keep fighting. 

On another note my dear friend Krystal Day help set up a fundraiser for me. This one is for direct donations to help support me and all my expenses. Click below if you would like to donate. Anything helps and is greatly appreciated. 

Team Kraft Fundraiser






Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.




Tuesday, January 7, 2014

First Chemo...

Yesterday was my first day of chemo. Let me tell you it actually wasn't that bad. I may be speaking to soon but even today I feel normal. I was expecting to feel really tired and sick and unable to do anything. But I feel like I could run a mile! I wont because I am lazy but still. The only issues I had was with one of the anti nausea meds which made my ears itchy and my throat feel tight and scratchy. Doctors said it wasn't an allergic reaction but probably just side effects of the meds. Oh well I'll take that over the worse side effects any day. Over all I was at the hospital for about 7 hours yesterday. There was a lot of talking and explaining, I just wanted to get the meds started and over with. The pre meds made me really tired so I ended up napping for most of it. But when it was over I felt perfectly normal. I came home popped an anti nausea med just in case and went to bed. I woke up feeling fine. 



I don't really have much to say about chemo as it was not that eventful. I did however cut my hair short about a week ago. I don't miss my hair and it wasn't emotional for about 10 inches to be cut off. I was actually excited to try something new. I have had long hair my whole life. After the fact I didn't like the new hair cut. It seemed to old lady ish and not spunky enough. I plan on making it more exciting within the next few days. 

Pics of my new hair.
Before and After

For everything that has happened the last few days I don't really have much to say. My shirt sales have gone amazing. And my coworkers took me out to dinner after work friday kind of as a good bye and good luck type thing. People are definitely surprising me with how kind they can be. 



Until next time kiddos!




"We are the captains of our own ships sailing the sea of life, but in times of a stormy weather, you will discover true friends when they don't hesitate to be a lighthouse."