Diagnosiversary?

A year ago this month I was going through tests like crazy trying to figure out what was causing my neck to swell up. What were all these bumps on me? Why was I itchy and why would I wake up DRENCHED in sweat in the middle of the night. Who knew all of that would lead to cancer. I never put two and two together. I always joked about having cancer because I was a hypochondriac but the day these lumps on my neck appeared that was the one time I didn't jump to the conclusion of cancer. I probably jinxed myself. Bah humbug.

This past year has been intense. Who remembers when I went to the ER after my first chemo due to stomach pain? They thought I had a burst appendix or a twisted ovary (WTF.) I was in the ER for almost 6 hours writhing in pain. Turns out I was just really constipated but nobody told me. They just sent me home saying they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Gotta love the health care system. Its all good I just ate a lot of prunes and shortly after, HALLELUJAH!

Chemo was no fun though. I remember the nasty taste. The weird reaction in my throat to the premeds. The Benadryl turning my eyes stoner red. Uhg as I am typing this I get that feeling in my mouth, it makes me sick. Lets skip talking about chemo, K thanks!

Remember that time I had my bone marrow biopsy and they hit a nerve so I was hospitalized for the day due to immense pain in my lower extremities and being doped up on all kinds of amazing drugs! Good times! What about that time towards the end of chemo where my lungs got pulmonary toxicity from the Bleomycin and I had to go on those chunky face makers called steroids! That was fun! I love getting lung biopsies and gaining weight!! Man cancer has been so good to me! (Also I apologize for the run on sentences but deal with it!)

Looking back a year ago, a lot of early memories feel foggy. I think I coasted through most of it on autopilot not really comprehending what was happening to me. I look at old pictures and miss the old Jessica. Long hair, thin face, lean body. I even feel like my voice is different. Its all mostly superficial but that's who I knew for 24 years and now who am I? I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror and the person in pictures looks like a stranger. I've lost my identity.

Whats the plan? Whats the goal in life? Am I just supposed to enjoy it and do whatever makes me happy? Yes I suppose that's a good answer. Life is so hard. I thought I had it figured out. I had it made in the shade with lemonade and now I just feel like I don't belong. Is it Washington? I sure don't feel like I belong back in California. Why can't I win the lottery and travel and be wild. Not have to worry about bills, jobs, insurance, people, love, feelings, stress, the world. A problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone in my cave and not deal with anything either. Why can't I be a hermit!! Man this emotional roller coaster ride isn't over yet and I don't see an end in site. I hate roller coasters.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a blood test to check for cancer markers. But lately I have been having weird things happen and so my doctor will be doing a full check up to see whats going on with my body. Of course I jump to the worst conclusion and that is that the cancer is back but of course I shouldn't go there. Wouldn't that be a bit of sweet irony. Below are pictures I found in my "Cancer" picture folder. Till next time skids.



Also a quick shout out to the band wagon hoppers who got a kick out of my near death experience and have since vanished: WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ;)

The Day I Cut My Hair AD

The Lump In Question BD

After The Biopsy BD

Golum and Fraline  AD

Nobody cares unless you are dying or beautiful

Haunting

These haunting feelings and memories flash through my mind. They flash bright and loud. They cause me to stop and have an anxiety attack. Why? What is happening to me? Memories of getting diagnosed, correction, misdiagnosed. Then flashes of the actual diagnoses of cancer. This time last year I was running tests and seeing doctors and had the cancer cloud hovering over my head, waiting for its downpour. When finally it happened. The crash of cold, sharp cancer came pouring down. I had cancer. Have? Had? Whatever. Almost a year later of getting diagnosed and its like its happening all over again. I feel like I am reliving what happened this time last year. Its like a movie. Picture a young lad coming home from war and 5 years later he wakes up in the middle of the night to cold sweats and the scene cuts to a black and white screen. BOOM! FLASH! Bombs go off. Loud noises and screams are heard. Death. Fear. Then back to reality.

I "survived" cancer, I should be happy and moving on and living. Why can't I be an inspiration? Why can't I be like those role models and give hope to those currently fighting? Why can't I move on? Who will answer these questions for me! I just want my old life back, my old body, my old sense of self. I do not go a day without having cancer fall off my lips. I do not go looking for it, it finds me. Better yet never leaves me. Maybe as time goes on it will get easier and less haunting. Maybe the pain will go away as well.

My body aches and hurts. If feel like I have been hit by a train more often than not. My skin hurts to the touch on occasion. My lungs are not like they used to be. Why did I get cancer? Why me. Had I not been through enough in my life? I thought I endured enough torment and lessons learned. Again I wish I was a basket of rainbows and butterflies but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everyone. Maybe someone feeling the same way as me, in the same situation will stumble upon this and maybe, just maybe, they will say "So it's not just me!" No its not just you. What you are feeling is normal. But if you are one of the ones who felt they got a second chance and shit rainbows then good for you. I wish I was like you.

Sure I have my moments of SEIZE THE DAY! But those are quickly followed by well this is life and shit happens. There is a general saying that after a shit load of bad stuff happens then a shit load of good stuff should happen. I mean I do have something of that nature tattooed on me for goodness sake. It's a good reminder and inspiration and sometimes it works. But what I am getting at is: It seems like a whole lot of bad shit has happened to me lately when will it turn around? When will the clouds part and the sun shine through? Maybe I am being too negative. Maybe I need to appreciate the little things. Well folks, I AM TRYING!! Thats all I can do.

I hear people joke about getting cancer like its not a real thing. Like it can't happen to them. I used to do that a lot and BOOM I got cancer. HOW THE FUCK?! Pardon my language I am hangry because I am on a diet trying to lose the weight cancer so willingly gave to me. And when we broke up Cancer said I could keep the weight. How thoughtful.

Even though I am haunted by these feelings and memories I also feel like it didn't happen. Is that weird? I don't know if any body else can relate to that actually. It feels like a dream. I didn't go to work, my mom lived with me and made me food. I went on adventures, I met new people, got a cool new haircut and occasionally got pumped full of poison that knocked me out a few days. And now like nothing happened I picked back up where I left off. Nobody had a clue. Strangers and new acquaintances have no idea I almost died. Part of me wants to introduce myself as Jessica Cancer Survivor. Cancer is a huge thing and I did it, shouldn't I get a high five or something? That's probably wrong of me to think. On the other side of it I don't want people to know because people are ignorant and will probably think it was breast cancer or couldn't of been that bad because I survived. As a kid I remember thinking that cancer was a death sentence, and maybe back then it was, but it was scary and I feared it.

I am just thankful for the group of friends I have made during this experience. Without them I would be lost and alone. They help me get through these troubled times. I guess I can just continue to take things one day at a time and wait for the tides to turn. Until then let the hauntings continue.

Heartbreak...

I have always heard people talk about their heart breaks. They said that they felt empty and their heart actually hurt. I have had my fair share of heart break and thought it was pretty rough. I understood that feeling of your heart actually hurting. But I have recently experienced true heart break. It ached deep in my body. I felt my heart just cracking and crumbling and I had a hard time finding a breath. This was a different pain. This was real and never ending. It consumed me and overwhelmed my senses. The world just faded away and all I could feel was the pain of this heartbreak. It happened all at once. No it wasn't a boy. No I didn't have a fight with a best friend. The moment I had to say my goodbyes to my grandmother was the moment my heart broke.

Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.

I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.

Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.

Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.

Jacqueline Frances King 

October 31st 1936- October 16th 2014

October...

Well it is October!! Its fall, Halloween is right around the corner, this is supposed to be a great month!!! But wait, why is everything pink? Oh that's right its Breast Cancer awareness month. Was anybody aware that last month was blood cancer awareness month? Of course not because nobody cares about the blood. Blood aint cute like titties are. Save the tatas. I heart boobies. Really? Way to sexualize and degrade a serious disease. Sure I am all for the awareness of the disease to raise money and help support research for a cure but is that what is really happening with all of the pink crap and so called "awareness?" A lot of companies are just using this as a way to make more money for themselves and not donating any of the proceeds. When you buy that "Save Second Base" shirt be sure that proceeds go to actual research! Its ridiculous this month has turned into a who can sell the most pink, booby crap.  It is also irritating to see all these people just hop on the bandwagon for the month and then forget about it the rest of the year. Breast cancer, along with all other cancers, is around every day, all year not just in October. One might say well breast cancer is a common cancer so everyone knows about it. Well my rebuttal to that is: EXACTLY! Why not bring awareness to the things people are not aware of! Isn't that the point? Breast cancer is serious and in no way am I saying it doesn't deserve to have a month of awareness. I am just trying to educate you people to be aware of other things as well or to stay committed throughout the year, not just when its cool to be aware. I think I will make a "I heart Nodes" T shirt. Or maybe "Save The Ovaries" shirt. What about "I <3 Testicles." Yes. Those should happen. Make cool shirts for all cancers!

I do not have breast cancer but I was told that my radiation increases my risk of breast cancer a significant amount and I am required to get mammograms here shortly to check. If I do ever get breast cancer I would probably just have a double mastectomy. I know its rough to go through something like that but in all honestly I would feel safer just getting rid of my tatas rather than doing a lumpectomy. I have met a few breast cancer survivors through my journey and a lot of them feel the same way about October. Its just ridiculous what this month has turned into. I support all the breast cancer survivors and wish them the best! We are all in the same Cancer Boat and we gotta stick together! Along with all my other cancer survivors and fighters. Lets bring awareness to the unknown and unfamiliar cancers! Share our stories and hope for the best!

Update...

Well it has been about a month since my last post. My last entry was before I started radiation therapy and now here I am done with radiation. And guess what?! My doctor gave me the "You are cancer free" speech. I was not expecting to hear that but I had finished all of my planned treatments and was wondering whats next? Whats next is 6 months of normal living till I have my sixth month scan and hope for the best. I think the cancer part of my life is over! Oh wait no its not, I am still on steroids, I still have short hair, I have grown back three times as much hair as I had before, I am out of shape, and I have scars all over. So no cancer is not over and it cannot be forgotten. On the bright side I can be teen wolf for Halloween since I am so hairy, so thats nice.

Lets go over what happened to me during radiation. First off let me tell you that was a damn hassle. I had to go to radiation during my lunch break for the first week. I spent my whole lunch hour plus a fifteen minute break to go to the hospital to do 5 minutes of radiation. I would either be late to radiation or late back to work. That was extra stress I didn't really need in my life. Luckily my boss was understanding. The rest of the time I had to go to radiation before work which meant I had to get up early. As for the side effects, those kicked in about 2 weeks into radiation. My throat became very sore, too sore to eat food. Eating became painful, and if you know me that was THE WORST. I love food. My skin also turned really red and I got a rash. It was like a really bad sun burn. And as of now the rash has turned brown and weird looking, very attractive. Oh well I embrace my cancer scars and deformities. My cats love me and thats all that matters.

I guess we could talk about the good things in life. My hair looks like I did it on purpose and I get a lot of compliments. I don't know why people are always so surprised with my short hair. Are ladies not supposed to have short hair? Whats wrong with the world. Also I visited California this past week. I went to a family wedding and had a blast. Also, in about a week I will have lived here in Washington for a year. A YEAR!!! I made it. The black hole that is the Antelope Valley has not sucked me back in yet. Yes I say yet because when I visited this last week I did miss it. Everything is so familiar and it has that feeling of being home. But I love Washington as well. I am bound to Washington for at least another year due to my lease so we will see how things go in a year. I have also been dating. Yup the forever alone gal has been on some dates. Its nice to feel normal again. There is hope!!

I wish I had more exciting things to talk about but I am not really in a writing mood. The creative juices are not flowing but when will I have time to write anything so I at least wanted to get an update out there.

The Next Chapter...

Well I shall be starting Radiation therapy tomorrow. For the first few days I will need to go during my lunch break at work which will be a hassle but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I will be doing radiation for 15 days straight, finishing right before my trip to California. Word is that towards the end is when the side effects kick in, so I will be attending my cousins wedding with burnt skin, sore throat and I will be lethargic, so yay. BUT at least its not chemo!!! I guess this is the next chapter and hopefully the final Cancer related chapter. I had a two month vacation from all the cancer drama and treatments but now I am just ready to be done! Hopefully this gets rid of the remaining "cancer" in my chest. I am hoping that by the new year I can start fresh and healthy and put all of this behind me. I am ready to be the healthy, athletic fit Jessica that I was almost two years ago. My goal is to be soccer ready by the new year but who knows how that will go. I was going to the gym but since my car was broken into a few days ago, in the gym parking lot, I don't want to go back. I feel like I kind of have PTSD with getting robbed at the gym.

What are the odds that my car would get broken into again at the gym but who would of guessed I would of gotten robbed in the first place? I just don't feel safe at the gym. I actually don't feel that safe in general now. I keep checking my windows to see if they are all there. When I am driving I panic and look back thinking someone is gonna knock my window out. Its weird. Now I have one non tinted window and it also freaks me out because its so bright I feel like its still broken. It makes me sad that someone would rob me. I was wearing my Fight Like a Crazy Cat Lady shirt to the gym that day. I have a feeling the robbers were watching me the whole time which means they saw my shirt and short hair. BUT hooligans and criminals don't give a fuck about anything so of course when they see a girl that just beat cancer they aren't gonna say "oh she was sick lets feel bad for her and not rob her because she has been through enough in her life." HAHA. But still it pisses me off there are people like that in the world that just don't give a fuck and their career is robbing people of their hard earned money. Oh and the cops didn't care. "File a police report online when you get time kay thanks bye," is what I was told when I called the police. Oh and the gym manger said "This happens once a week, sorry." What. The. Fuck. I hate this world.

All of these events just made me super depressed. It just seems there is nothing worth living for these days. The world is a horrible place filled with mostly horrible people.The last 12 months have been the worst, first I tore my ACL and had knee surgery, then got laid off, then got diagnosed with cancer, then got robbed. And that's just the big stuff. My cats need me, that is the only thing that gets me through my days which seems a little depressing. 2015 better bring merry tidings and some silver linings. Its so hard to stay positive and happy and look on the bright side of things when everything just seems so dark all the time. Uhg.

All of these life changing events have also made me realize that I really do want a new career. I need a job that better fits me and my needs. I want to enjoy life, not spend most of my time stressing out and working all hours of the day. I deserve a job with a set schedule. I deserve a job that makes me happy. I deserve to be happy at some point!!!! Everyone deserves to be happy. For a while I have felt indebted to my job for taking care of me while I was going through treatment but why? Its just a job a job and I worked with them for 5 years so they better take care of me when I am in need. I have also felt that I am stuck in my job due to my health. I need health insurance at all times now and starting a new career could put a lapse in coverage. Employers don't hire sick people. Don't tell me "They can't discriminate because of that!" They can't but that doesn't mean they wont. This world is horrible and if they found out I had cancer they would rather hire someone who is healthy and reliable and they would just tell me they found someone more "qualified." That is the world we live in. But I am smart and a great worker so anybody would be lucky to have me. Fingers crossed that I can find something that makes me happy.

Other than all that shit life is great. That was sarcasm. This shits tough. Life is tough. But I didn't beat cancer to just give up on life. I will keep trucking along and hope for the best.

Cancer Groupies

December of 2013 I was told I have cancer. Twenty Four year old Jessica had cancer. December 25th 2013 I told the world I had cancer. On Christmas? You ask. Yes I told the world on Christmas that I had cancer, oh how selfish of me to ruin every ones day with that news. Actually I didn't ruin anybodies day. Those that mattered had known what I was dealing with for weeks. And my Christmas was spent home alone fasting because on December 26th I had my first pet scan. My day was spent writing blogs and lost in a world I would become all to familiar with over the next few months. So yes I posted on all my social media accounts the link to this blog. If people cared they could read it and see what I was going through otherwise they could keep scrolling past and go on with their lives. I did receive likes and comments and condolences and blah blah blah all that nonsense that comes along with telling the world you are dying. Everyone wants to be apart of something. Correction: Everyone wants to be apart of someones misery. Whether it be so they can be grateful its not happening to them, or so they can say they know someone with cancer, or just for their own morbid satisfaction.

This experience has taught me so much. Mostly it taught me that people suck. And that is okay. Why? Its okay because now I know who my true friends are and who I can count on in the future. Don't get me wrong I have been shown some real compassion during this and I am grateful but I have also seen the downside. I have learned who just wanted to be a part of something bigger than them. I learned that in the beginning everyone wants to be your friend and help in any way they can but as soon as the excitement dies down they could not care any less. As the months dragged on and I pushed through treatments my so called "support team" dwindled to a handful of people. I understand that it must of been so hard to deal with MY cancer. It must of been so hard to see ME get so sick. It must of pained you to see ME in such agony. Or was it because I didn't get deathly ill. Because I wasn't stuck in a hospital bed. Because according to you I wasn't dying so it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe it's because I was dying and you couldn't deal with the thought. Either way I understand and I forgive you. With or without you I am alive and still fighting. I am fighting a battle you know nothing about. I may share what I am feeling and going through on this blog but until you have been in my head and walked in my shoes and been in this situation you have no idea. Because if you did you would realize that this battle is far from over. Just because I am no longer doing chemo doesn't mean I have won this war. It means I have survived one battle and that battle was chemotherapy. I got my scars and wounds but I survived so far. The next battle is yet to come, that may include radiation or the watch and wait scenario. I hope to win those battles as well and eventually be declared the winner of this war over my body.

I will forever be haunted by cancer. It is forever a part of my life now. For you my cancer story is over so you don't care but for me its just begun. And do not ask me "When did you beat cancer?" Because I have not beat cancer it is not that simple for most. I may never hear the words that I am cancer free. I understand you are naive and have no idea what you are saying but just don't say it, kay thanks. Also if I hear one more person tell me I am so strong I may have to slap a baby in the face. I did what I had to to survive, I did not have a choice. I am just one unlucky fool that stood too close to the microwave as a child and got cancer.

Radioactive

Well I received a call from the radiologist that was looking at my last scan and he seems to think it would be a good idea to do radiation rather than wait. I have an appointment with him in about two weeks so he can plead his case. I was set on waiting and watching for a few months. In the end it is up to me but I don't want to be responsible for that decision. I would rather believe the doctors are looking out for my best interest, which you can never be too sure. I have been in what seems like good hands up till this point. It's just depressing, I was hoping that I would have a clear scan and be done with this but I guess my battle isn't quite over yet. This will just be another chapter in the book of Kraft.

My work hours are 9:30-7:30 most days which will mean I will have to be at radiation at about 8 or 8:30 every morning to do radiation. The last plan I had talked about was to do radiation daily for 18 days. The word on the street is that radiation is much easier than chemo but still has its side effects and down sides. I have read that it really packs a punch towards the end. Your body gets weak and really tired. Which if that is the case will suck when working such long work hours. But I am awesome and will do it all because well I am an adult and don't have any other choice.

On the bright side I feel great. I am having a semi successful week at my new branch. I still have anxiety and worry about every little thing but that's probably just normal and not cancer related but I feel like I can blame everything on cancer these days. I am tired, cancer. My feet hurt, cancer. My car ran out of gas, cancer. My cat scratched my hand, cancer. Its legit. You should try it sometime. Nah just kidding. My hair is still growing in nicely which is nice. That was redundant, my apologies.

I still feel like something is missing in my life. It just feels off. I can't really put my finger on it but I don't like it. I guess I will still just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. After all, I had cancer, how much worse could it get?

P.S. World, don't take that as a challenge!

To Limbo or not to Limbo....

Today was the day I had been waiting for since I finished chemo nearly 2 months ago. I had my follow up appointment to get my pet scan results. Actually let me take us back to last Thursday..... I get off work and am heading to meet friends for dinner when I answer my voice mail and there in my inbox is  a call from my doctor. Oh no. The dreaded call before the appointment means its something that can't wait. Uhg my heart sank and a tear fell from my eye because I knew it wouldn't be good news. Sure enough my doctor had advised that the spot we had been worried about was still there. To make it worse he advised he would be out of the office all weekend. So I was left to interpret this voice mail however my mind wanted. Deep down I think I knew I wasn't done just yet. I had been in a limbo for almost two months without closure, without any for sure sign this was over. I then went the weekend mulling over what my next step would be. Radiation or no radiation? More chemo? Just wait and see? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN??

Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.

On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.

Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!

Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!

I don't know what to title this...

I feel like it has been a while since I posted anything. I know you devoted readers are probably shaking in anticipation. Its okay you can relax here we go! I have been super busy since I have been back to work.  A lot of my days are about 9 or 10 hours at work and I am beat afterwards. I am glad to be back as it distracts me from everything else but being back at work has its own worries. I believe in my last post I stated how I was a floater and trying to find a permanent branch to work in, well I now have a permanent spot. I was offered my role at an in store branch about 20-30 minutes from my house depending on traffic. I am looking forward to it as it is really small which will give me the opportunity to learn a lot and quickly. I was also told I will be trained and molded so I can work my way up the corporate ladder, there are plans in the making, I won't go into much detail on that right now. My last day at my old branch is Friday and I already have people saying they are sad to see me go. I just met most of these people two weeks ago and already they will miss me, it makes me feel appreciated. I still get anxious and worried about going to work. I expect too much from myself. I expect to know everything and be a pro immediately and I feel that because I am not my boss will want to fire me. That doesn't make any sense does it? I am doing a great job for how long I have been back and I continue to get better but yet my mind likes to tell me that I suck and can't do my job correctly. Its a hot mess in my mind. 

Well today I had my follow up petscan. This was my first scan since I completed chemo. It has been about 6 weeks since I finished chemo and this whole time I have acted like I won. Did I celebrate too soon? Did I jinx it? Everyone keeps saying I beat it but in reality I just finished chemotherapy. I have not been told I am cured, or that there is no evidence of disease, or that I beat it, or that I even won. I have been sitting in limbo for 6 weeks. For all I know this was just a mini chemotherapy vacation and I will have to start up again or do an even harsher treatment. I get my results on Monday so we will see. Fun fact next Monday I have 4 doctors appointments! Yes maybe even 5 still waiting to here from one. But damn I bet you have never had that many doctors appointments in one day, so I win. 

Today as I was sitting in the lonely radioactive room waiting for my radioactive juice to go through my body before my scan I just got really depressed. My short hair makes me look like a boy. My eye lashes are not coming back and I am worried they may never come back. My eyebrows are growing in black and bushy like Eugene Levy eyebrows! I miss my long hair a lot. I just do not look like myself anymore, its like I am a new person. Well I guess I am a new person. My old body tried to kill me so I guess I am glad that bitch is gone and now the new lesbian looking me is here to save the day! I guess its never good to reminisce and look at old pictures when you are sad because that will just make it worse. Oh well, too late, did it. 

I feel like something is missing in my life. I don't know what it is, I feel like I have everything I need or want at the moment. I have my job, my health, friends, my own place, my cats.... Maybe it is just me being in limbo not knowing if I really beat cancer yet. I will always be in limbo though, between every scan I will be wondering if the cancer is back and that's no way to live. I guess it will just take time to accept that this is my life now and I cant spend all my time worrying about the what ifs. Is that what is missing though? Me knowing if I am cured or not? Time will tell. 

I thought I had more to say because today was a rough day but I just can't get anything else out. Maybe after the slew of doctors appointments and follow ups I have next week I will have something more exciting to say. Maybe good news even. Till then folks....

The Real World is Real...

Well I have officially completed my first full week back at work since completing chemo. I was anxious and nervous and, well, I still am but I guess the week went pretty well. I am tired and my feet hurt from wearing heels all day but I guess its not too bad. A few people suggested I start off part time till I adjust and see how I handle it. First, that wasn't an option for me. Second, I would have to be full time at some point might as well jump into it full speed.

I returned to my branch that I started at when I first moved to Washington to fill in till I find a permanent home as I have been replaced. I am still considered new and in training because I didn't get to complete that all before I had to go on my leave. Of course in my mind they replaced me for someone who is experienced versus a sick girl that doesn't know crap. But my therapist says thats probably not true they just had to fill the position. Sure sure. So because I don't remember anything from my few months I am just doing any busy work they can throw my direction. I am okay with that because it actually is helping me learn and it gets me off my feet sometimes. (I would like to mention I had cancer longer than I was in my new position.) But I would also like to refresh and get back into doing my duties so I don't feel completely incompetent. Its bad enough I get looked at as the sick girl with cancer but now I feel like I get looked at as the sick girl who can't do her job. Again my therapist says thats probably not what they are saying. BUT we all know how people are so theres a chance some of them are thinking that.

Throughout the week I felt pretty good about getting back into the real world and working again. It helped me keep my mind off of everything else which is a nice change. My cancer thoughts definitely decreased about 75 percent. Now my thoughts focus on how much I suck at my job and how much I have to catch up on. It isn't fun feeling incompetent and looking pathetic at the same time. I had a customer ask if I was a cancer survivor and then if I had kids and when I said I don't have kids she responded with "Well thats good." Because I'll die soon and not leave a helpless child behind, thanks. I also had a man tell me I had fat, black man fingers. I know the chemo turned my hands darker and I gained weight but I didn't think they were burnt sausages! I was also asked if I just came back from maternity leave. So either I look like I gave birth or thats the only reason she thought people go on leaves from work.

Up until today I was positive and happy about getting back into the real world but today it hit me that the real world is REAL! Its happening. I have responsibilities again. I have to set my alarm everyday. I have to pay rent. I have to work 10 hour days. I have to work Saturdays. I have to face people with my bald head and no eyebrows everyday. I have to deal with looks and comments. I am waiting for that one snobby lady to come into my branch and say that I look like some hooligan with my bald head and shouldn't have a job in a bank. Thats when I will show her all my tattoos and piercings and shout TIMES HAVE CHANGED OLD WOMAN AND I BEAT CANCER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh if only I could say that. That probably won't happen but like I said before we all know how people are so theres a chance it will happen.

Also I joined another dating site. YUP. I posted a picture of me looking smoking hot with my bald head just so I don't have to be like oh btw I'm bald and beat cancer have a nice life. I am surprised by how many people like the look. Not surprised by how many people don't like the look. One guy even said a requirement was to have hair. Once again it was fun to look and see whats out there but I keep coming back to the fact that online dating isn't for me. Its something to do while I am on the toilet I guess but other than that I know I wont meet prince charming on a dating site, especially a free one. I am still holding out for that romantic, spontaneous moment while I am out doing something exciting. But how can that happen when I work all the time and have follow up appointments in my spare time? Oh well at least I come home to two cats that crave my attention.

After all of this I did have a bit of a break down today. Everything is just coming full circle and I feel a little defeated and incapable of living in the real world again. It was kind of easier having cancer and only having to worry about if I will live to see the next day. Now I gotta worry about paying bills, if I will get fired, did that guy on the dating site not write me back because I am bald, what if the cancer comes back, when will I get to sleep in, did I lock my door before I left, will I die alone, when will I do laundry, have I walked around with a smeared eyebrow all day, I hope nobody can tell my pants can't button. Yikes!!! Well thats what my week as felt like and it can only get better..... right???

Anxiety about real life...

Tomorrow I go back to work after being on a 6 month sabbatical. I have been counting down the days in angst. Part of me is excited to get back to real life and part of me feels like I am not ready. I miss working and I miss having a purpose in the world. But am I ready? Can I do it? Probably, because I am awesome. It will be like riding a bike and just gotta refresh my mind and pick back up where I left off! But why is it so scary? I was only doing my new job for 3 months before I had to go on leave. I was just learning and catching on in the first place. So to go back its like I am starting new all over again. The stress! The worry! But alas it wont be as bad as having cancer so I should be able to handle it. It is just a job and not the end of the world. 

Having to set my alarm and pick out an outfit for tomorrow kind of feels like the last 6 months didn't even happen. Was I really sick and in the hospital every other week? Oh of course I was because I have no hair. Silly me! I am dreading having to wear a head scarf to work. I refuse to wear a wig because I feel like its obviously a wig and not my hair and people will talk and whisper and wonder why I would be wearing a wig. So if I wear a headscarf its just obvious somethings wrong and I have no hair. As soon as my hair looks semi normal I will probably just rock the buzz cut. Hopefully the bank is okay with it. 

On a side note I joined a dating site because everyone and their mom has done a dating site and has seemed to have "success." And by success I mean they found someone, not necessarily a good someone but enough for them. Anyways I uploaded a picture of me with my bald head and just left it at that. As I figured would happen about 95% of the men that messaged me asked why I had a buzz cut. Some replied with oh I thought it was due to cancer but didn't want to assume. It seems a girl cant have a shaved head without being sick or being famous. But I was quite surprised at how many men think a bald head is attractive. It did give me a little bit of a confidence boost. But I also realized that once again I would much rather meet someone walking down the street. Online dating is the way things are done these days though. 

Back to going back to work. I feel like it might be a time for a change. I realize that banking is not where I want to be. The hours and the schedule just do not fit into my post cancer life plan. I want time to be able to do things. Banking hours does not allow for that. I know that a job is hard to come by these days so I am in no way being picky. But I do think we all have the choice to find something that makes us happy and content with our lives. I will take it one day at a time though and see what opportunities present themselves. Having cancer has opened my eyes to a lot. And I just want to say that you too should do what makes you happy. We only get one life and you do not know how long you have so you should do what makes you happy. Its just not worth it to not be happy. 

I probably wont sleep at all tonight because of all the anxiety for tomorrow. I no longer get to sleep in. I no longer get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I was pretty spoiled the last 6 months. Yeah sure I had cancer, was sick, weak, tired, immune compromised but I got to sleep a lot and didn't have to work. That's all most people ask for. I should be happy that I am healthy and able to get back to real life but I feel off. I guess we will see how tomorrow goes. There will probably be a blog on it so just a heads up. I guess I will just lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Yikes. 

Forever Alone

These days I just don't feel like myself. I have gained weight and lost all my hair. Most days I feel like a really butch lesbian. I just don't feel "pretty" anymore. Which in turn makes me feel like I will be single for the rest of my life. Who knows how long that will be. I read an article once that discussed how men prefer woman with long hair. How they find short hair to be a turn off and too masculine. That is what always stopped me from cutting my hair too short, I didn't want to be unattractive to men. Yes, that's really silly. Now I am pretty much bald and not by choice. What man would like a bald girl. Sure if they knew it was from cancer and that I plan on growing it out maybe they wouldn't mind. That is, if they could look past my really short hair to begin with. I get the impression that most guys either look me over thinking I am a lesbian or some weird hipster. If hair matters that much or if they are that quick to judge I probably wouldn't be interested in them anyways but lets face it that's how society is these days. They just can't help passing judgement on everything and everyone. 

This is a tough time in my life anyways. I just had a big battle with cancer and am now trying to get my life to be "normal"again, maybe I shouldn't be dating yet. I am not forcing it and I am not actively looking for my future husband. I am hoping that it will just happen, like magic. I guess I will just have to wait for my hair to grow to a feminine length and lose my cancer weight and become "datable" again. Well by "datable" I mean.... well actually I don't know what I mean by that. Maybe I mean confident. Yes I want to become confident again. I guess I shouldn't care what people think and just do whatever I want and be comfortable in my flabby skin. But nope. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back at me which is tough. Let me say that I look great for someone who just went through 5 months of chemotherapy because "I don't look sick." Yeah, Yeah I didn't shrivel to a twig and become pale and frail. But my body did change. Anyways my point is I feel like a different person and I don't know what to do. I feel like I need one of those books they gave us when we hit puberty. "So Your Body Is Changing A Young Girls Guide To Growing Up." Except it needs to be called "So Your Body Just Tried To Kill You And Now You Look Like A Lesbian." That is actually not a bad idea. I called it! My IDEA! 

The point of this post was that I just feel like nobody will ever want to date me. I am in a new state which makes it hard to meet people as it is. I just had cancer. I have no hair on my head. I will be working a lot. Where will I meet people? Will they look past the short hair? Will they look past my near death experience? Will they look past my roid rage? Will they look past all the scars? Will they look past my two cats? But seriously will they look past my roid rage, because that shits serious.

On a side note I am getting evaluated for a therapist. So that's fun and there will probably be a post or two on that whole thing. Cancer really fucks a person up. Don't get me wrong I have my good moments too but I am not going to sugar coat this whole thing just to make it sound like I am a hero. I got really sick and did what I had to do to survive. And now I am stuck with all the side effects and issues after going through something like that. 

Also I go back to work on Monday. So we will see how that goes after 6 months of not working. I hope I remember how to be a responsible adult that works full time. Fingers crossed!

3 for 1 Special

This blog is a little different. I had a few posts that were in drafts because I was just not feeling in the sharing mood or that these blogs were even worthy. It has been about 3 weeks since my last chemo and I have just felt lost. What is there to share now that would be worth reading? The exciting, life threatening adventure that was my life is now not as exciting to all you readers. My two posts that were just in drafts probably say the same thing just in different ways but I thought I would share it how it is in that moment. Feel free to read through those and at the end I will have an updated post. 



6/17/2014

I'm sitting in my car typing this on my phone on my California vacation. First because I'm bored and second I feel like it's been a while since I posted last. I have had a lot of emotions since finishing chemo. I just feel lost in life. What is my plan now? I know my last blog dabbled on the "what now" aspect of things but I'm still boggled by it. I have panic attacks thinking about getting back to the real world. Part of me thinks it's all a waste. Why should I move into my own place, pay bills, go back to work if I'm just gonna get cancer again. I know I just have to remain positive and take one day at a time. Which I am trying to. It's only been about a week since my last chemo but I just don't know what to do. 

I  am enjoying a small vacation in my hometown in California. My mother who has been my caretaker since January has been in Washington this whole time with me. She completed her journey and had to come home so I came with her. I've been out of the antelope valley for almost a year and I missed all my friends and I really missed the familiarity and routine of this place. But now that I am back.... Meh. I am so over this place. I'll visit because I have 24 years of history and family here but I don't see myself getting sucked back in by choice. I have outgrown the Antelope Valley and it's people. 

I'm ready to start over again in Washington. Let's try this time without cancer. Going back to work is nerve wrecking! My life will forever be doctors appointments now. What if my boss doesn't approve. I don't even know if I want to do my job anymore. Is it a good fit? Should I do something else? Something different? It's my life and I should enjoy what I'm doing. Time will tell. 

I hope I find a path soon. Right now I feel like I am just wandering around lost. I had a plan before all this cancer crap. I guess this is a time to start over and do what I want to. Cancer changes everything. I mean everything!!! 

6/24/2014
Here I am on a plane writing a blog. I feel like there is a lot I haven't discussed from the last few weeks. Time to update you all! As you are all aware from previous posts I was having some lung issues. I was scheduled for a bronchoscopy the day after my last chemo. I reported to the hospital bright and early. It was a quick outpatient procedure. I was sedated and all I really remember is coughing and the doctor shouting "she needs more sedation!" So that was fun. The medicine they used to numb my throat and nose was gross. I had to snort the medicine into my nose which was not fun so I only imagine tweekers not having much fun when snorting drugs, but I could be wrong.

I was prescribed a heavy dose of antibiotics, 6 grape sized pills a day. These were in case I had pneumonia. After one day of those I felt like I was hit by a train, I felt worse than after chemo. Needless to say I wasn't much help when it came to moving me into my new apartment. Luckily I have some swell family and friends that helped me speed move. 

I had a follow up appointment two days after my bronchoscopy and the doctor advised I didn't have pneumonia just a small generic infection which could be nothing so she dropped my antibiotics to two pills a day and guaranteed I wouldn't feel like a train hit me. I was also prescribed 40mg of Prednisone daily for at least 3 months. It turns out I indeed had lung damage from the Bleomycin. Steroids for a few months should fix that right up. In the mean time people have to deal with my roid rage. 

Other than all of that things to be going pretty well. I am two weeks out from my last chemo. This is my first week in almost 6 months I haven't needed chemo. My body is pretty excited. I enjoyed a splendid vacation in California and am now ready to get back to a "normal" life. I start work in about two weeks which is enough time for my immune system to work it's way back up. From here out it's check ups and scans and a final decision on whether I will need radiation or not. Fingers crossed that all the cancer is completely gone and I can just attempt to move on and get stronger and stronger. 

Side note, I am writing this on my phone on my flight home and there is a hottie passed out next to me. Pretty sure he's my soul mate. 

Anyways, these next few months will be a tough adjustment. I am going back to living by myself in a semi new place. My mother is back in California which is sad. But I have done this before I can do it again. Starting all over again! Let's put these last 6 months behind us and start fresh with a new an improved outlook on life! 



6/28/2014
So I recently had a follow up with my Pulmonologist and she said I am responding to the steroids really well so they are going to start weening me off of them over the next few months. So I am hoping that with a good scan in a few weeks I will be on the right track to being "normal" and "healthy." I am also looking forward to joining the gym again and get my body back to how it was before cancer. But my biggest dilemma is going to the gym with a bald head. I could wear a beanie but man will that be hot. I know I shouldn't care but I have done a few things without a hat and just rocked the bald (actually it's not that bald its more of a baby peach fuzz) and I get weird looks. People get concerned and I know they want to ask questions. I just feel really self conscious about my looks at the moment. I don't look like myself anymore. I have gained weight, lost my tone and muscle, lost my hair, lost my eyebrows, lost my eyelashes, lost my sense of self. I even feel like I have lost my sense of independence. I feel like I do not know how to take care of myself. I catch myself longing for someone to take care of me. I am like a lost puppy. 

I am also having a hard time adjusting back to the real world. I have looked into a therapist and am hoping to start that soon. It would be nice to talk to someone about getting back to real life after an event like cancer. It is harder than one would think to get back to how things were because the bottom line is things will never be the same. Ever. 

I have done some really exciting things the last few days which gave me moments of euphoria. I would stop and think to myself "this is what life is about, enjoying every moment and absorbing the little things." I went white water rafting and wasn't scared at all, in fact it was super exhilarating. Pre cancer Jessica probably would have skipped on that opportunity. I also went to a Mariners game here in Seattle. I have been to baseball games before but this one I just enjoyed and didn't give a fuck about anything. There was a firework show afterwards and it started raining. I just looked up and watched and tuned the rest of the world out. I couldn't help but just smile from ear to ear and be happy to be alive. Moments like that make me incredibly happy and thankful for everything. But those moments are followed fast by complete opposite feelings. Panic and anger and worry. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. No matter what happens I can handle it and get through it but most of the time its just a quick fix until the feelings become overwhelming and I shut down. 

M posts may start getting few and far between, as I stated before I feel like my life is no longer exciting. I am more than willing to share the after effects of cancer on a young adult but lets be real half of you only read this to probably get your daily dose of "well at least my life isn't as bad as hers." Or maybe you read it and think that I am a pansy ass chump and need to stop complaining. Oh well either way you are reading my blog so thats cool I guess. I wish I could say that life is great and I am just so happy, lucky, and blessed to be alive but most of the time I don't feel that way. Its a tough road after cancer. I can't be strong. I can't be a hero. But I can be honest and truthful.

Now What

My last chemo was today. I have been eagerly awaiting this day and yet it feels like any other chemo day. It doesn't feel like I am done. I still feel sick and I still will feel sick for a few days. Which puts me in my normal chemo sadness slump. Which makes me hate life and get depressed. On top of that I have been having panic attacks about starting up my life again. I am completely lost. I don't know how to be normal. I am so used to being sick and limited, that is my new normal. I think I forgot how to do my job. I was only doing it for three months before I went on leave to fight cancer. Hopefully it is like riding a bicycle and I can remember quickly. I will be moving into my own place on Friday. That is scary as well. I used to be a strong, independent girl but I have had to rely on so many people the last few months that I think I forgot how to be independent! Cancer has ruined my life in so many ways. I am so lost. What do I do now? I have gotten used to the cancer agenda that now I do not know what to do. Now what? I guess as time goes on and I feel better and my hair starts growing back I may get happier and start to realize once again that I was given a second chance. 

This whole cancer thing is not even close to being over. The last two weeks I have had a cough and shortness of breath. The B in my ABVD chemo cocktail is known to cause lung damage and that was the theory so they stopped giving it to me these last two chemos. But upon this new side effect they ran a Pulmonary Function Test to see how my lungs were doing and it showed that my lung functionality was lower than before. Today before chemo I had a chest Xray done to rule out anything else. Well instead of ruling anything out it added more possibilities to the table. I then had a CT done after chemo which also added things to the table. So due to all of this I am scheduled for a bronchoscopy tomorrow to get to the bottom of my lung issues. I am leaving for California on Saturday and my doctors want to make sure I am healthy enough to go. They will be knocking me out and sticking a camera down my throat or nose to look around and possibly take a biopsy. So it is either just damage from the B, pneumonia or another lung infection. Either way it all sucks.

This week was jam packed of things for me to do. Chemo, sick days, movie and dinner dates, packing for Cali and packing and moving to my new place. Now because of these added issues things had to be cancelled and rearranged. That adds stress on top of all this as well. I also either have a head cold or really really bad allergies which makes me feel like poop. So overall this last chemo has not been pleasant. I guess in 2 weeks when I would normally go to chemo and realize I don't have to go I might get a little excited. By then I should be feeling a lot better. All these side effects should disappear slowly and my hair should start growing back. I am a little bummed that I will have to start shaving again! Bummer. I am also bummed about having a period, well maybe. There is a chance it may ever come back. Eye lashes will be nice also, gluing them on is kinda hard and tedious. But I guess I would rather bleed from my vagina than have to do chemo again. 

This whole experience has been something else. I am grateful to be given another chance at life. But I am also scared of what is to come. Will the cancer come back tomorrow? In 6 months? In 10 years? Its just a watch and wait game from here on out. Talk about stressful. I will never have the same body I had before. I have gained roughly 10 pounds and lost almost all the muscle in my body. The fit soccer body I once had is now a doughy, shapeless physique. I do not look like myself at all. I have a lot of work to do and I plan on getting fit again. Its pathetic I know but I do not like what I see in the mirror. Cancer stole almost everything but my life from me, fuck you cancer. 

It is all done and I still find myself asking "WHY ME?" Why anybody, I know. But I thought I was thrown enough curve balls in my life. I thought I had it hard enough already. Now I have cancer on top of it all! Damn. Almost everyone I run into or talk to says "You are too young to have this." Uummm? Thanks? Cancer doesn't care how young you are, how healthy you are or even who you are. It fucking sucks. I can just hope that this really is a second chance and that I have another 50 or so years on this earth. I have dreams and hopes. But then you hear about all these freak accidents, shootings, and car accidents and it really makes you realize that life could be gone in a second. It is quite depressing. On the other hand it gives me a fuck it attitude. Fuck all the bull shit. I am just gonna do what I wanna do because life is not guaranteed. Just have a good fucking time!

Fucking cancer, fucking fuck fuckity FUCK! I think I won for now though. So thats good. I have a pet scan in about 6 weeks to confirm I am clear. So we will wait and see. In the mean time I will get back to the real world, I guess. 

LAST CHEMO

LAST RED DEVIL FOREVER 

Feel All The EMOTIONZ...

This is inspired by my other cancer warriors.

I have stated it before I am sure but I will state it again, having cancer is a damn roller coaster of emotions! Its up and down, left and right, flips, circles, backwards and every other which way. For me, it often comes in fast flashes of impending doom. A lot of the time it occurs while I am in the shower. Showers have a different meaning to me nowadays. Sure I use them to get clean but these days there isn't much to wash on my body so I found myself taking that time to think. The hot scolding water beating against my body is a therapeutic release when my body aches. But I also find myself getting lost in thoughts, getting lost in memories, getting lost in hope or just getting lost in emotions. While in the shower it is just me alone with calming music. There are no judgmental eyes looking for answers. There are no inquisitive eyes wondering how I am feeling. There are no pitiful looks of worry darting at me. And the only crying eyes are my own. 

I can just let my emotions flood out without being judged. Without friends and family feeling empathetic and joining in on the water works. Sometimes I just need to cry and get it out of my system. The thoughts of impending doom are flooding my eyes, my future slowly slips out of my grasp and I want to fall to my knees and weep till there is nothing left. When the Niagara Falls of tears has finished flooding my face I finally see things clearly again and the clouds begin to part. I am still here, still fighting. I have plans for the future and I once again get excited even if it is for a brief fleeting moment in time till the next down poor of emotions. 

There have been talks of PTSD after an experience like this. It is plausible and possible. Coming so close to death, shaking its hand saying nice to meet you I hope I don't have to see you again anytime soon. The stress and anxiety that hovers constantly over your day to day activities. Out of the corner of your eye you see the familiar face of death and in the moment of panic your heart skips a beat and a bead of sweat falls from your face. Suddenly you are nauseous and you feel Niagara Falls forming in your eyes. Not now, not while I am shopping for pie ingredients! The next day you are happy as can be looking forward to the future, enjoying time with friends. And once again for who knows how long, you are happy. 

I have high respect for all the warriors going through this. I have just started and already am overwhelmed. I can only imagine as the years go on and the longer you are healthy the scarier and more intense the roller coaster ride must be. I am lucky to have a great group of girls that will ride this roller coaster with me and hold my hand when it comes crashing down and I to hold theirs as well. We are in this together. 

Pulmonary Toxicity...

Here I am counting down the days to my last chemo. Yesterday I had my second to last chemo. These last few treatments seem to be taking forever. The days go by slower than a snail. For some reason I was dreading this last chemo. I don't know why but I was just getting extra anxious and had bad feelings about it. It was already pushed back an hour due to short staffing. Everyone was wishing me luck which never happens. I just felt off about it. Well sure enough it was an interesting chemo. 

At first my port, Portia, was giving us trouble. 30 minutes later and me laying back, leaning forward, putting my hands up and down, sticking my right leg in and out and shaking it all about, I turned around and did the hokey pokey and still nothing. They then tried to access it with a bigger needle had me lean forward and cough and BOOM we have access! They sent off my blood to get tested and make sure everything is still normal. After an hour they realize my blood got lost in transit, so I had to wait even longer. 

Well then they ask if I have anything new going on and I advised that I have had a cough for a few days. Only when I take deep breaths. This is pretty serious so they run some tests, listen to my lungs and make me walk around the hospital while breathing heavily and checking my oxygen levels. Everything seemed to be fine but they still felt it necessary to call the doctor that was on call yesterday. She seemed concerned and decided to come see me in the infusion ward. She does the same tests and asks me questions and then leaves to talk to my nurse. He comes back and states we are going to skip the Bleomycin, which is the B in my ABVD chemo cocktail. Turns out the Bleomycin can cause fatal lung damage. So they were taking my breathing issues very seriously. They scheduled me to get a Pulmonary Function Test before my last chemo to check if my lungs have been damaged. I just had a PFT test a month ago and my lungs were perfectly fine. The Bleomycin can cause damage over night. But because I am so close to being done that if I do need to skip the Bleomycin again it would not make a difference in my cancer treatment. 

As I am so close to the finish line I feel my body slowly giving out. Its pushing along and doing its best to keep me healthy but there is only so much a body can endure. But I am almost there and I plan on treating my body like the queen it is once I am all better. I am just so excited to almost be done. Chemo really does suck. It is not fun at all. This cancer has stripped me of everything that was once Jessica Kraft. I feel like a totally different person, mentally and physically. I just can't fully explain what this experience has done to me. I hope if anything I have changed for the better. 

"When you are through changing, you are through."

Side Effects...

I am going to take this time to describe what chemo has done to my body and how I feel most of the time these days. 

On a chemo day first things first is they access my port to draw some blood. So they stab me in the chest which is semi painful even with a numbing shot. They draw some blood and then flush my port with saline. Gross. I taste it and I want to vomit. I then have to wait about an hour for my blood tests to come back and say that I am healthy enough to get chemo. I never am healthy enough. My blood counts are extremely low everyday but my doctor says lets push forward anyways, so they do (because I am awesome.) 

Before chemo I get a cocktail of premeds to make chemo easier. The premeds are what make me sick. I get a nice dose of Benadryl that makes my eyes super heavy. Next is a dose of Zofran which is like an anxiety/anti-nausea med but I have a reaction to it in my throat. My throat gets really tight and feels like I have something stuck in it and it makes me what to vomit. That lasts about 20 minutes or so. Then I get a steroid, which, if they push it too fast will make my private areas burn. And most of the time.... they burn. EEK.

After all the premeds I am just a blob in a chair. I don't want to talk. I can't move my hands. I am a hot mess. Now it is time for the chemo. The chemo has no real effect on me while I am getting it. My first chemo "The Red Devil" makes my pee red for a few hours but no biggy. So after all my chemos I am good to go home. 

When I get home I eat everything in sight because it makes my throat feel better. Once I am twice my size I pass out for a few hours. Tuesday I wake up and feel pretty normal. Then Wednesday I wake up sick so I spend the day in bed or on the couch. I am nauseous and tired and my body is restless. I want to move around but my body just cant get comfortable. Thursday I wake up and feel almost normal. At this point all the bearable side effects kick in. My gums swell up and sometimes bleed. Which makes eating hurt but I love food so I just eat anyways. My body aches and hurts. A pat on the back and I will wince in pain. My scalp hurts and hair still falls out. How I am not shiny bald I don't know. I lose hair everyday. My fingers hurt. I am at the point I can barely button my pants without help or wanting to cry from pain. My skin is super dry and skin falls off the tips of my fingers. My finger nails are starting to look like zombie finger nails. My pinky toenail fell off yesterday. My pee smells like chemo everyday. The skin all over my body is blotchy and discolored. The veins around my port on my chest are very visible and pronounced making me look like some sort of super villain. I am very lethargic these days. I can barely go up stairs without heavy breathing. I have lost all my muscle and stamina. I have gained weight. My taste buds are messed up. Things taste weird. My throat hurts a lot. My nose constantly runs because I have no nose hairs. I have no hair anywhere on my body except my head, kinda. The no hair things is kinda nice, I don't know when the last time I shaved was. 

With all this though, I am still handling this very well. I don't vomit. I don't have bowel issues. I am still able to go out and about. I am not bed ridden. I am just glad I only have two more because I am definitely starting to notice the toll that is being taken on my body. I hope I can make a comeback after all of this. I will be hitting the gym hard once I am better. I am really looking forward to having nose hairs again so I don't have to walk around with a nose tampon sticking out of my nose. 

I just want to say that the next time you complain about having a cold or maybe even the flu I would stop and appreciate that you don't have to do chemo. Because it sucks and takes your life away. I will never complain about having a cold again. I will never complain about a lot of things ever again. I have found strength I didn't know I had and I appreciate everything I have learned. I am really grateful for all the new friends I have made throughout this process. This has been a life changing experience. 

Bricks have been lifted...

I am getting closer and closer to being done with this journey. I had my progress pet scan almost a month ago and the results were good. My doctor had advised me that it was almost all gone. Of course I was hoping to hear "You are cancer free," but that didn't quite happen. Nonetheless it was good news and I was happy. However another worry was thrust upon me and that was the idea of radiation after chemo. From what I knew that opened a whole new can of problems so my mind began to run wild. Well since my Oncologist wasn't comfortable answering those questions he referred me to the Radiologist that looked at my scans. 

That leads us to today. Today I had a consultation with the Radiologist. My mind was swarming with questions for the past month. I of course assumed the worst would happen if I did radiation. Such as secondary cancers, lung problems, heart problems among many other things. My major concern was breast cancer. I had done research on it and it looks worse than what I have already gone through. I figured it would be a for sure death sentence a few years after beating Hodgkin's. Today the radiologist put my fears to rest. First he stated that he is confident that after chemo the cancer will be completely gone. Which is GREAT! Then comes the tricky part, will radiation be beneficial for me if all the cancer is gone? He stated that there are studies that show yes and studies that show no. So he will be doing research and getting second and third opinions from him colleagues in the next month to see what I should do. He thinks that I may not need radiation. Which I hope because that would be one less thing to worry about, maybe. 

If I do need radiation then I am at high risk of getting breast cancer within the few years after radiation. He said that it will not be the end of my life though. They will watch me very closely so the first sign of breast cancer they can act on it and take care of it. So if worst comes to worse I end up boobless in a few years but hey, I will hopefully still be alive. Of course anything could still happen but I guess at this point I am more confident that I have a future. He is confident I could live another 60 years. I have been scared that my life is over. I have been having a hard time getting excited about the future thinking it will be consumed by cancer forever. But at this point I am happy that I can have a normal life soon! One day at a time I guess. 

My point that I was trying to get at was even though almost a month ago my Oncologist said I am almost cancer free it wasn't until today that I realized I really kicked cancers ass!! Five long, hard months that I would never wish on anybody and I came out alive. I still have two more chemo sessions to go but I GOT THIS! I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of me. I can breathe now. I feel like I can do anything I want to. I am ready to take the bull by the horns. I will have my health back in less than a month. I cannot wait. You have no idea. 

On another note. I just want to say that I am not sorry if you are offended by my new fundraiser shirts. They say FUCK CANCER. And? FUCK CANCER! You are only offended because you have not been there. If you fight and win you too will say FUCK CANCER and be proud of it. I appreciate all those who are supporting me. I am excited I kicked its ass. Cancer is a mother fucker. 

In case you want to get a cool shirt click below! 
TEAM KRAFT T SHIRT FUNDRAISER


“Don't fear death, fear the un-lived life"
~Tuck Everlasting

Que Sera, Sera Motherfuckers...

I am counting down till I am done with chemotherapy. Only three more to go! They cannot come fast enough. Monday will be my 10th chemo! Double digits! I am in the preteens of chemo! Two chemos till my big Purple Party celebrating me kicking cancers ass. It will be the party of the year! We are even planning on playing pin the radiation on the tumors. Yup! Be jealous. This cancer journey is slowly coming to an end and I cannot wait!

On another note I have been researching radiation and getting doubts about it. There are so many possible side effects later on down the road. Such as secondary cancers, heart problems, lung problems or other misc. issues. All of that or the possible chance of getting Hodgkin's again.....? Hmm? There is also the chance that I am perfectly fine after all of it, I just don't know. I will have to weigh the options with my doctor again. I wish I only had to worry about what color to get my toe nails painted and not what medical treatment will kill me slower. I wish I only had to complain about going to work on Monday and not chemo. But alas my life is not so simple.

On a brighter note I have put a deposit on an apartment and will be getting my own place again in about a month! And I will be going back to work in about two months! So I am thinking that my life should be back to almost normal about September. Which will be a year since I moved here. Man how time freaking flies. Maybe I will meet a boy too!!! HaHaHa... HAHA. Just kidding. I have accepted that I will be alone with my cats. And that is okay. I will enjoy life just how it is!

I am really excited to get my own place again though. That is what I look forward to most. Ever since I have gotten cancer, well every since I have moved out here to Washington, I have felt like I down graded my life. That I, somehow, became less successful and independent. Temporarily,  cancer has ruined my life. Actually I guess it just gave me a speed bump. I plan on getting my life back plus some. I wont sweat the small stuff anymore.

Also I found a sticker in Seattle that says. "Que Sera, Sera Motherfuckers." So that's cool.

The time has come...

Well after 4 months I had my progress scan and according to my doctor I am on the right track. There was debate between a few doctors as to whether or not there was some visible cancer or not. Needless to say they would rather be safe than sorry. So I will finish my chemo treatments as planned and do radiation afterwards. My doctor seems to be very optimistic that after all my treatments I could be cured. I want nothing more than to be done with all of this and get my life back.

Of course when my doctor told me the good news all I could think was "nothing can stop me." I almost  beat cancer and am still alive, I can do anything I want. But after some time I started to worry about the future. What if I get my life back on track and get my own place and start work and then I relapse? Then what? I would again have to give up everything to go through treatment again. But someone did mention a good point to me, "You can't put your life on hold waiting and worrying for something that may not happen." Which is a good point. I can worry forever and not enjoy life to the fullest or I can just say fuck it and go back to being normal and hope for the best. 

I am so close to the finish line I can taste it. I can see it. I can feel it. It is time to get things rolling again. My only concern is going back to work while doing radiation. I have read a few different things and some people get too tired to handle day to day activities and others can manage. So I guess we will just have to see when it happens. But of course after all that radiation I will then worry about breast cancer, heart disease and heart damage. But again, I guess you can't worry about what may happen. 

I am mostly excited for my hair to grow back. I look so sick and weird with my scraggly hair, thinning eyebrows and 3 eyelashes. The only bonus to that is not having hair anywhere else on my body. I haven't had to shave anything in 4 months! It's like magic. I think I could rock the buzz cut once it is thick enough. I am pretty excited. I just hope my job doesn't mind my new look. 

I am thinking of starting a new tshirt fundraiser for the good news. I still have lots of medical bills to pay and my disability payments are getting smaller and smaller. Plus who doesn't like a cool tshirt?

Below is before and after scan pictures. On the left there are yellow and orange glowing spots which was cancer and on the right there are no visible glowing spots (other than my brain), which means I am pretty much cancer free.