Pregnancy feels familiar...

Who here remembers that phase in my life where I shaved my head, gained a lot of weight and pumped my body full of toxic drugs? Ah yes, that time I danced with the C word. Cancer! Yes I'm sure you all remember that, I pretty much shoved it down your throats with my blogs and pictures. But I was just keeping it real for y'all. Now you are probably asking yourself what does that have to do with being pregnant? Well besides the fact it is a tiny miracle that between mine and my husbands radiated and medicated pasts that we could even create a human, but how reminiscent all these doctors appointments are.

Here we are again seeing the doctor so frequently, blood tests left and right, vitamins, iron deficiencies, fatigue, constipation, diarrhea. I would say vomiting but I did get lucky and not get any of that with chemo or pregnancy! Its my bowels that take the hit. Hey you know me, never one to shy away from the truth no matter how crude.

Besides the similar symptoms being pregnant also has similar limitations. And I want to clarify that I am in no way comparing my little bean sprout to having a tumor or two. I am simply pointing out similarities as they were intriguing to me. For example the easy one was of course no alcohol. Although I did cheat on that one during chemo, it helped my white blood cell count! Science. I have to eat healthy foods. Thoroughly cooked foods. No raw sushi or undercooked meat. Lots of water. Try to stay active for as much as your body allows. You know, the usual.

Again before someone thinks I'm comparing the large plum in my belly to the bulky tumors in my chest I am not. I love the little thumb sucking magic bean and am thankful for it everyday.

As my belly grows and my body stretches the body pain reminds me of 2014 chemo pains. Its like a whole body ache occasionally. Most of the time I am plagued with back pain and migraines. Luckily my doctor prescribed me massages. These don't seem to really help but I'll take a relaxing massage covered by insurance any day. The best medicine seems to be a cup of coffee (doctor said it was okay) and some yoga.

With that note I think I am starting a new book in my life, not just a chapter but a whole new book. This part of my life is not over but it is in the past and one I want to move forward from. I will be starting a new blog for this next book. A new story to follow. A new set of crude gruesome stories, and probably a lot of cute motherly stories as well.

Hope to see you there!!

"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." -C.S. Lewis.

Out Living It...A week in the Outer Banks

Here we are a few days from my 3 year chemoversary, well 3 years since my last chemo. Is that the chemoversary? I guess I can make my own rules on what I want to celebrate and what those celebrations will be called. Anyways, here we are, a few days away from my 3 year chemoversary and I have just returned from a grand adventure where I was Out Living It!

I spent the week in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Sun beating down on my pale Washington skin. Hot sand in-between my toes and a salty ocean breeze blowing through my hair. A 3 story beach house with a glorious view of the east coast filled with strangers. Thats correct I spent a week with complete strangers. I disappeared from the real world and entered into a summer wonderland with fellow strangers seeking the same adventure. Introduced with newly discovered nick names but feeling I knew these strangers deep down. I may not know their real names but I know these people. These are not strangers after all! How can 10 people fill this beach house and yet I feel right at home? Well we all have one thing in common that links us in a deep way. We are all young adult cancer survivors and fighters. 

First Descents is what brought us all together and I can't thank them enough. My week spent in the Outer Banks of North Carolina was life changing. We may have arrived feeling depressed or defeated. We may have arrived feeling scared and weak. We may have arrived with determination in our hearts or perhaps hope for some magic. No matter how we arrived I think its safe to say we all left with a new sense of life and adventure. 

My new friends and I learned to surf, most of us for the very first time. The amazingly patient people at Farm Dog Surf School taught all of us some amazing skills. Taught us Don't Just Lay There and Take It! Taught us to paddle paddle paddle. Taught us to stand on our own two feet in imperfect conditions. Taught us to not give up because there will be another wave and you can try again and again. Then theres that first moment you jump up, your toes grip the board and you feel the power of the wave push you along. The air blowing in your face, the surreal moment when you are flying over the water.  Then you let your high carry you down to the water in slow motion. Just to paddle paddle paddle and do it again. 

I know I pushed the limits of my body. By the end of the week my already brittle knees were throbbing from all their hard work. My pale pacific north west skin was crispy and red. My desk job arms used muscles they didn't know existed. But I survived. I made it out stronger than when I went in. Physically and mentally. 

Each amazing day after surfing was spent hanging out with my new friends and the staff who put this all together. The staff was amazing, they cooked, they talked, they lead great conversations and activities. It was a safe, comfortable place. There were times when we went from laughing to crying. These people became my tribe, my friends, my family. Cancer perk I guess. 

Someone (Ruh Roh) had mentioned in one of our great talks that he would tell people, "I hope you get cancer." Not to wish the illness on others but the feeling that comes after the diagnosis. The feeling that life is to be lived. The Hakuna Matata feeling, no worries. I didn't totally feel that after my diagnosis. But after my eye opening week I feel liberated. I feel like I need to be Out Living It more. I need to worry less and adventure more. Even if that means just taking a weekend trip to visit my tribe. 

I wish you all could feel the high I had during my week in the Outer Banks. I forgot about real world troubles. I forgot about all the small things that were boggling my mind. I forgot about my desk job and what would be waiting for me when I returned. I just let the ocean air clear my mind and the lovely words of friends flow in. 

Here we are back to the real world and I am trying to live by the Don't Just Lay There and Take It motto of the previous week. You should do the same.

Yours truly, 

Klassy

Less About Cancer, More About The Future

I read a cheesy internet article recently that quoted something Tom Hanks said, "I hope the president-elect does such a great job that I vote for his re-election in four years." Now why would I start a posting in my cancer blog with something presidential? Because its positive in a world of negativity.

As we edge closer and closer to inauguration day my fear of what is to come increases. Not only because of the soon to be president but the things that are already at jeopardy. Like Healthcare. I have been lucky enough to be employed by companies that provide healthcare but I have plenty of friends and family that do not. They relied on the Affordable Care Act to help them through their cancer treatments. Without it many would not have made it.

I will admit I am not a very informed American when it comes to this stuff. I research what I need to and what I want to. So I will not preach about things I have no knowledge on. I do know what I have seen and witnessed and that is a world that is crumbling around us. Not just because of who we chose to lead us but how we treat each other.

I lived in fear for almost a year while I was battling cancer. I didn't know if I would live to see another year let alone another presidential election. But here I am 2.5 years cancer free. I still live in fear of relapse but that is something I am working on. Instead of worrying if I will get cancer again I think about what adventure to go on next. But lately I find myself worrying about my future not because of cancer but because of people.

A day does not go by where I don't hear, see or read about hate crimes, shootings, stabbings or any violent or criminal act. It is being shoved down my throat. It has me down right scared to do anything. I don't want to live a life in fear that the person in the car next to me might have a road rage fit and decide to ram me off the road or follow me home.

Bottom line is I want us to all get along. I want us to hope that our president does good things and amazes those who voted against him. I want him to succeed as he is our leader and well, he's the Pilot. If he crashes we all go down with him. Instead of blaming each other and hating on those who had different opinions, lets hope for the best. Everyone cannot win and you cannot please everyone. It happens every election, every day, in every life. You lose sometimes but thats why you become a good sport and just try harder next time. Hey I got cancer at 24 and was not pleased, I focused on the end result which was me making it out alive. Thats what we have to do, focus on the happy ending and do your best to make it happen.

Say hi, give a compliment, do a good deed and pass it on. We only get one life, lets make it a good one!

Club Cancer

"I'm sorry but you have cancer." Hearing that from your doctor could immediately ruin anybodies  day. But before you go and get all depressed because you have a life threatening disease, just remember you are now a part of an elite club. Club Cancer. Thats right, welcome to the club my friends. We aren't picky about who can enter. Only requirement is that your body tried to kill you! Now you may think what a small club, it can't be cool. Wrong-o! This club is huge! So huge I meet new members all the time. So yes don't be down about having cancer, be happy you're apart of an exclusive club!

Most of my friends these days are cancer survivors like myself. I was new to town when I was diagnosed so the first way I had to meet people was through cancer groups and meet ups and support groups. So those club members became friends and eventually family. 

Being apart of Club Cancer has opened so many doors for new adventures and opportunities to meet others in the same boat. First Descents is one of those doors. First Descents is a group that offers free outdoor adventures to young adult Club Cancer members. How neat is that! When I first was introduced to them I was very intimidated. The adventures they offered seemed way out of my league and skill set and even physical ability. I thought I would never actually participate. They offer small events as well as week long adventures. I have started with the smaller ones to see what it is all about and let me just say: WOW! I have gone indoor rock climbing, to kayaking on the ocean with whales and on the lakes with seals. I have hit pinatas on a porch and gotten my very own baci bracelet (or two.) Things I never thought I would do. Because of these experiences it has opened my mind to new and exciting things. I now own my own kayak so I can float with the seals any time I want. I know I am capable of so much more. I would never have gone on a 2 day, 20 mile, open ocean whale watching kayak trip on my own. But when given the opportunity to do it with a dozen other members of Club Cancer, why the hell not!

So yes, I went on a 2 day, 20 mile, open ocean kayaking trip. I saw the back and tale of a whale, some otters, seals, jelly fish, eagles and deer, amongst some pretty amazing views. I did that with people who have been in the same boat as me (no pun intended.) We could laugh and joke about what we all have been through. We can share stories and compare battle scars. And walk away from the trip friends. Some of these people I may have never met in day to day life but because we share something so deep there are instant friendships made. 

I must add a disclaimer however. This club does have a downside. That downside is the loss of friends and family. We all know how cancer can get and we all hope for the best. Appreciate your friends and family while you can as there may not be a tomorrow. To anybody dealing with the dark side of this disease, I am sorry. All we can do is honor and remember those we have lost. Get lost in memories and remember they wouldn't want us to be sad they are gone, they would want us to get busy living. They are watching and enjoying the view. 

No person is ever truly alone. Those who live no more, whom we loved, echo still within our thoughts, our words, our hearts.

Some moments caught from one of the wild trips!

Am I Surviving Wrong?

"I knew someone that had cancer and when they beat it they had a new outlook on life." That is something that is said to me quite often. Not exactly that way every time but that general idea. I personally know people that have taken life by the horns after their diagnoses and never looked back. There are some that are taking their experiences and helping others. There are some who said fuck it and are traveling the world and saying YES to every opportunity. There are some that just see the happiness in the world and no longer fret the little things because they lived, they survived. There is no greater gift than a second chance.

What about me? What about the others? I also know my fare share of those who look at their diagnoses like why me? What the fuck did I do to deserve cancer? Some remain bitter. Some can't find that new sense of normal. Some are permanently damaged. Am I one of those permanently damaged cancer survivors? I didn't have it too bad. I did my year of time and I bounced back pretty well. It looks like I bounced back anyways. I almost have that pre cancer body but I credit that to my metabolism. I went back to work. I joined sports teams. I dated (and eventually got engaged!) But in the back of my mind I know I am not the same as I was before. And I had hoped all through my treatment that I would come out of it a changed and more grateful person. I beat cancer I should have had an epiphany or realized my dreams and went after them. I should enjoy the sun rising and I should be grateful I woke up this morning. I should. But sometimes I'm miserable. Am I surviving wrong?

Some might think so. Some might think I am not enjoying my 2nd chance and that someone else who didn't get one would have enjoyed it more than me. Is this survivors guilt I feel? I have no right to complain because I survived. If I walked by you on the crowded street you wouldn't know I had cancer and almost died. So why am I upset? I should have dropped everything and ran to another country, explored something new and celebrated my 2nd chance. Instead I was eager to get back to normal but that normal I remember isn't my normal anymore. And now that I have that "normal" I can't help but think I'm surviving wrong. I am plagued with thoughts of reoccurrence daily. Followed by guilt that I have no right to think that because my cancer was the good kind and I'll be fine. Which comes to a screeching halt when I realize my thoughts are valid because I had cancer dammit. Then I tell myself to stop being a drama queen.

Then I think of people who have had cancer and hide it away like it never happened. Once again I feel guilty and think that I am just seeking attention and I should hide it away and never talk about it. But then those freaking thoughts come back and it starts the vicious cycle all over agin. I remember how the chemo tasted. I remember having a weird reaction to the Zofran which I dreaded more than the chemo. I remember the aches all over my body and it hurt to lay down. It hurt to be hugged. It just hurt. I don't want to do that again. I wouldn't wish that on anybody let alone someone who already went through it and knows what to be scared of.

After all of that I should be a giant ball of light and joy. But I am not. Am I surviving wrong? Or am I surviving the best I can. And you are surviving the best you can. And we are all doing our very best and doing what we think is right. There are no right or wrong ways to survive. Each person battles their own demons and it is up to them to conquer those demons. Life is just one epic war and we fight battles along the way and hope to see another day. Life is precious. Whether you have had cancer or not, make sure you are surviving and thriving. Just remember how you survive may not be the way the person next to you survives. If I must have a gloomy day here and there and let the bad thoughts take over then I will. I will write a blog about it and share it and hope that there is someone out there reading this and they say "So I'm not the only one, this is normal." I hope those questioning if they are surviving right realize its okay to have the guilt. Its okay to not be a ball of light and joy after surviving cancer. Cancer is a big deal and unfortunately a lot of our dear friends don't win the battle but those of us that do we are plagued with the memories and reminders. Sometimes we are reminded to cherish life and live to the fullest. And sometimes, just sometimes, we are reminded that death is lurking in the shadows and what happens if we bump into each other again?




"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."

Two years later...

Here we are two years after my last chemo, two and half years since I was diagnosed and about 3 years since I started noticing weird symptoms. At that time of course cancer was the furtherest thing from my mind. I guess we should take a few steps back...

Almost 3 years ago exactly I had ACL reconstructive surgery on my left knee due to a soccer injury. I  had the basic tests run to make sure I was healthy enough to be put under for a few hours. No concerns so we went ahead with surgery. A few weeks pass and I am healing from a semi major knee surgery when I start noticing lumps on my neck. They would come and go and doctors advised it was because I was sick (with colds) and thats just how my body was dealing. Well that has never happened before in my 24 years of life but who am I to question them, they are the professionals after all. My legs were also super itchy. Itchy to the point I would scratch them so hard they would bleed. I had a ton of ideas of what the cause was and just didn't worry about it, itchy legs aren't life threatening. Soon I get a lump on my neck that decides to make its permanent home on my collar bone. I went to another doctor who recommended a ear nose and throat doctor. By the time I get in to see this ENT I am two weeks away from moving from Southern California to Seattle Washington to start a new exciting journey. As usual he said it was probably nothing and because I was moving there was no time for extensive testing. He offered to do a needle biopsy right then and there and said we should hopefully have results before I left the state. Sure enough a few days later he calls to say they were, wait for it, inconclusive. He advised to enjoy my move and if it got any worse to see a doctor in Washington.

So I moved. Started my life in Washington and was getting settled. I found a doctor to recommend a physical therapist so I could continue my PT for my recently operated on knee. He also was performing an insurance required physical for my new medical insurance. He did the usual testing and commented on how extremely healthy I was. Until I mentioned I had had a cold for about two weeks that didn't seem to shake. Then pointed out the giant golf ball sized lump living on my collar bone. Then he asked if I was having night sweats and sure enough I was! I had just figured I had the heater up to high while I was sleeping. I slept a lot because I was ALWAYS tired. Turns out itchy skin, commonly itchy legs, are a symptom of Lymphoma as well. Of course I didn't put all the pieces together till after I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. At that point I was given so much reading material and had googled so many things and read so many blogs that I was now a self proclaimed Hodgy expert.

All that has brought me to here and now and what is on my mind. Here we are 3 years almost to the day since my last ACL surgery and guess what? I am currently recovering from ACL reconstructive surgery on my right knee. Soccer. Soccer is how I keep tearing and breaking things in my body for those that are wondering. Any who, so as I am having the biggest case of De Ja Vu in history or just plain ol' repeating history, I couldn't help but wonder if all of 2013 was going to take place again? The beginning of 2013 had its ups and downs that I account towards being a young adult and nothing special but to have a first major surgery, move two states away and get diagnosed with cancer all in a matter of 6 months, man did I hit the mental and physical breakdown jackpot!

I have an itch on my leg. I have a lot of itches on my leg. Both of my legs are super itchy. I scratch them to the point of no return. De Ja Vu.  I'm tired. So tired. Did I sweat last night because it was hot? Yeah it was just hot in the apartment last night thats all it is, I'll turn the fan on higher tonight. Let me caress my neck ever so cautiously. Whats that? Is that a lump, no thats supposed to be there. How about the arm pits? Feel, tickle, poke..whats that? Nothing, its nothing. Let me email my doctor and see when he can squeeze me in for my next scan or a blood test or maybe he can just feel this thing on my neck that isn't anything at all. Or is it? Whats that pain in my throat? Cough Cough. I have a cold, no its something in my throat. A tumor? No. Its nothing.

Here I am two years out from my last chemo and I feel the things I felt 3 years ago. Does it ever really go away? I don't think so. My new normal is worrying about every itch and every ache and every tingle somewhere in or on my body. My new normal is talking myself out of the thought I could have a relapse followed by the very real confirmation that people relapse all the time. It could happen. I have accepted there is no real rhyme or reason for getting cancer. Yes, some you can trace to an exact cause but most is just the luck of the draw. As my doctor said I was "extremely healthy," followed by wait whats that lump on your neck, followed up with "you have cancer."

Don't get me wrong, my life is not consumed with thoughts that I will relapse. They come and go, its all part of that magical roller coaster ride that I will never be able to get off of. I enjoy life to the best of my ability. I also know I have a higher risk of getting cancer again or even a secondary cancer and that I do need to be weary and cautious. The whole "is that a lump?" panic mode is something every cancer survivor is all too familiar with. Lets just hope my itchy legs are caused by the change in weather...

Heres to hoping friends!!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Here we are again! Its been a long time since my last post. I have just been busy getting back to real life and getting back on track. I have had a lot of time to ponder things and life and changes and people. I have recently been through some big events in my life. One as you all know was a cancer diagnoses and most recently I have gotten engaged! As you all know a lot of my previous blogs were about me dying alone, which was almost true. But here we are 1.5 years post chemo and I am engaged. Who would have thunk it!

Now this gets me to one of the many things I had pondered. I of course started my planning right away and one of the major things is the guest list. I bought a book on wedding planning and it gives you a break down on how to pick guests but even with that it is hard. We are planning a smaller wedding and so we have to be picky with our guest list. But upon licking the envelopes to send out the save the dates, I realized I had a much smaller pile than my fiancé'. Is he cooler than me? (He is pretty cool!) One of my excuses was that I had moved away from my home town and lost touch with people. But that couldn't be it because he had done the same thing at the same time. Bottom line is he probably is cooler than me and is better at keeping in touch with people. But I also remember while going through my diagnosis I was miss popular! Where did all those people go? I had messages and texts and letters on a daily basis. And now that I am better and happy and living life with no sign of cancer all the people have vanished. Was I the hot fad of the season? Was I the juicy gossip at the time? Was I that charity case that everyone wanted to know about?

After I didn't die and my hair grew back the people faded away. They moved on to the next big thing. But when I announced that I will be getting married....those people were no where to be found. I guess that just teaches me a lot about people in general. You can interpret how you will. I guess that could be taken a few different ways. But to me it shows people care about your worst times to make themselves feel better. But when it comes to someone else's happiness they don't care. That is ok. In the end I know who is truly there for me in my best and worst times and that is a pretty good gift to come out of all of this.

Cheers to those people who have been around thick and thin, bald and hairy! You the real MVP!!

Back to the future...

Hello Skids!!

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything but I will back in full force. I have a new computer thats ready to handle everything I can dish out! And boy oh boy do I have a lot of new things to share!

So Stay Tuned!!!

Chemoversary... What is it good for?

A year has gone by since my last ABVD treatment. Correction, my last AVD treatment, since the Bleomycin was cut out of the regimen after it tried to kill me. Ahh yes good times. Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. Friday was National Doughnut Day and when I had made a comment that I didn't know that was a thing, a coworker responded with "Who the heck doesn't know about doughnut day!" I bet a bear claw that she wasn't aware that today was National Cancer Survivors day. Who the heck doesn't know what Cancer is?

Anyways back to me! I remember hearing about people celebrating their chemoversaries and another year cancer free and I couldn't wait for that to be me. And now here we are a year later and I am ready to say its my Chemoversary! I did it. I survived a year, I am a survivor. And it falls so close to National Cancer Survivors Day. I planned that. I said hey cancer be gone on this day because it'll be kinda cool that the days are so close and people will be like oh man thats neat.... Just like how I told my Father to have the last name of Kraft so I could forever be asked "Are you related to the cheese company bruh?" Jokes.

So I was unknowingly chosen to be the face of Young Adult Cancer Survivors and Stupid Cancer for National Cancer Survivors day. Kinda cool scrolling through social media and see myself flipping the bird, saying to myself "I was wondering what happened to that picture!" Reading through the comments of that post made me feel honored I could be a part of such a great movement. We are one community and we flip the bird to cancer together!

The past 18 months I have learned and grown so much. I had my ups and downs and still do. From being diagnosed and spiraling down to healing and climbing back up. The journey isn't over and I can sense some people don't get that. My pity groupies have all since vanished. "Nobody cares unless you're Pretty or Dying." Those strangers that came out of the wood works to "help" me have gone back into hiding. The homies from grade schools days that reached out to be a part of something bigger have since gone back to being another Facebook acquaintance. Cancer helps you weed out the useless people in your life. And makes room for those who deserve your time. A lot of space opened up in my life and has since been filled with lifers!

As much as I want to sit here and say life is rainbows and sunshine, it's still not. Don't get me wrong, I and living life to the fullest when I can and am very grateful I am still here. But some days I just feel like I lost a part of me with the cancer. I just do not feel the same, it makes me feel like I am living with a stranger. Who is this person with short hair and scars everywhere. She looks nothing like me and her temperament is all over the place. And this makes me feel guilty. I survived cancer I should be happy every minute of everyday...but I'm not. Is something wrong with me? Here I am a year after chemotherapy and I am still conflicted over my cancer. So there it is, even after treatment, its not over. But then I also get those days where I say "I beat cancer, I can do this!" Ah I get it, I am bipolar. Figured it out. Done. We can move on now.

My chemoversary reminds me that life keeps going whether you want it to or not. I had a 6 month hiatus but the world kept spinning and bills still had to get paid and people still had to work. My chemoversary reminds me that for 6 months I was dancing with death and only got my toes stepped on, like, twice. My chemoversary reminds me that my mother took 6 months out of her life to care for me. My chemoversary reminds me that I am now apart of an exclusive club with some bad ass members! My chemoversary reminds me of all the times I cried in the shower thinking I was going to die alone. My chemoversary reminds me that things change. And that things get better. Thats what its good for.

Just keep swimming.

Cheers.

Hello there world! It has been almost two months since my last post! Sorry to leave you devoted followers out in the cold. I purposely haven't written anything in so long, well because nothing too exciting has happened. But like a devoted leader I will grace you with an update!

As most of you know I started dating a lovely fella a few months ago and I am proud to say that is still going strong. I have had followers come out of the word work to say they are happy my story is turning in to a happy one. This time last year I was writing about being alone forever, who would want damaged goods? Well let me tell you, my damaged goods are definitely wanted! The special person in my life makes it known daily that I am beautiful and appreciated. Even with my lesbian hair that has me oh so self conscious and depressed. Even with all my scars and side effects. Even with the hovering cloud of what if. It is definitely a great feeling to have that in my life at the moment. Life is rough and everyone has their baggage that they hope will be accepted by everyone they care about. I know my situation is rough and hard to accept. It may not be for everyone, in fact, I know its not for everyone. But it is okay because at the moment I have someone who is willing to be by my side while we walk through the shadows of the unknown. And for that I am grateful.

That is just a peak into my life getting back to "normal." I have recently joined a soccer team which I am looking forward to. I have been more active and slowly getting my body back to what it was before cancer and, well, knee surgery. I have lost almost all the weight I put on during chemo and steroid usage. So that's nice. I feel as if I am getting the old active Jessica back. She hasn't been around to enjoy all that Washington has to offer!

I did want to mention that I had a scan in January. It didn't come back clear but I was horribly ill with the sickness that was going around at the time. So my doctors seem to think that could of been it but one can never be too sure dealing with someone who has already had cancer. They decided to do a biopsy of my tonsils and that test came back inconclusive as the specimen was too small. But let me tell you a tonsil biopsy hurts like a bitch. They say they will numb you but all that went numb was my tongue and that was too stop me from screaming out mother fucker during the procedure. My doctor decided it might be best to just wait for 6 months till my next scan and see whats going on. Sooo again we will wait and watch and see and have no answers. I am becoming an expert on not getting any answers. AM I RIGHT!? YOU KNOW! You know.

For the most part I am just trying to enjoy life. I feel like I may almost get what my new normal is. I still think I will never be the old normal Jessica once was but I am definitely on my way to understanding and accepting my new normal. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of utter depression mostly because (this is dumb) of my hair. I really miss my long hair. I miss feeling like an attractive lady. Now most of the time I feel like a 12 year old who hasn't hit puberty yet and still lets her mom cut her hair but its not a cute hair cut its the "I don't want my baby girl to grow up so I will give her a 3 year olds hair cut so boys don't like her and she will live at home forever and not be tainted by the bad world" hair cut. I know you know what I am talking about! Especially right now at this awkward stage. I would rather shave it again and be the bad ass chick with a shaved head than the oblivious 12 year old. I guess I can focus on the fact that ITS JUST HAIR and it will grow back. I beat cancer for goodness sake who cares about hair. Well as pitiful as it is girls care about hair. Guys care about hair. Everyone cares about hair. AH! Oh well. I am really happy that a boy took a chance on a bald girl though. Faith in humanity restored.

I am trying to make 2015 the year of yes. I have so many trips planned and fun activities. Enjoying life is the reason for living. Experiencing the unknown and going on adventures. Pushing yourself to see whats next. I have the best of friends who will join me on this ride and the best boyfriend to explore with! If anybody out there is reading this and is at the point I was this time last year let me tell you: keep your head up. Enjoy the little things. Cry when you need to. Ask for help when you need to. Don't be afraid to need you time! Don't be afraid to need people time. Having cancer is rough and it feels like your world is ending but it doesn't have to. I have been there and I went through it and I still have my moments of WHY ME! And I am sure I will still have those moments in the future. But what I can do is enjoy the time I have in the moment. Who knows what my next scan will show but until then I plan on living. I will enjoy what time I do have with the people I love. Heck even if you don't have cancer and are perfectly fit and fine still take my advice. It took me a while to get to this point and who knows how long this feeling of SEIZE THE DAY will last but while its hear I will try to give you all a glimmer of hope.

Life can be gone in an instant. Say I love you. Smell the roses. And breathe in that fresh air.
Cheers.

2015

Today last year was my first chemo. Yuck. I remember it like it was yesterday. I spent the whole day in the chemo ward. It was a long careful process that felt surreal. I remember thinking that I was in a dream. There was no way I had cancer. It was a nightmare not a dream! The nurses wanted to go through every detail, every side effect, everything that may lead to my death. Yeah yeah I get it I could die whatever lets just get this going. I just cannot believe a year ago I started a giant fight with cancer. This time last year I also chopped off all my long hair as a preemptive strike against the C WORD! This year has flown by and I can't believe where I am now compared to last year. It makes me so emotional. But this year is starting off on a much better note. I have a new position in a branch right by my house which eliminates a 2 hour commute. I received a pay increase. I have such great friends. I have a fella in my life. And well I am cancer FREE!!! Lets hop back to the fella thing. Y'all remember my posts about dying alone and who could like someone with cancer or short hair, yeah well I am going to slap old me in the face and tell her to hush!

This past year has been a wild ride and boy am I glad 2014 is over. I ended 2013 thinking I was starting a new adventure in a new land and that all my wildest dreams and aspirations would come true. Boy was I wrong. I started a new job having no idea what I was doing. I had no friends. I was lonely. I was sick. Then it turned out I had cancer. That was just a swell way to start 2014. I am super grateful I had Katie and her family here to take care of me. Without them I probably would have died. Honestly. What would I have done being utterly alone and diagnosed with cancer? Lets not think about that because thankfully I did have somebody. As time went on I found out who my true friends were and who the cancer groupies were. I even met some great new friends through cancer. During this time I also had many breakdowns thinking my life was over and that I was going to die before I got to experience many things. It was a tough and emotional year filled with sickness, death, sadness, loneliness and epiphanies. I could not wait for 2015 to arrive.

As 2014 went on I thought who could ever like a person with cancer? Who would like someone who was now damaged goods? I have learned a lot and came a long way. I went on dates and debated if dating was even for me. Should I wait till I am better? Should I never date? Should I get 10 more cats and call it a day? As time went on I realized I wanted to date and that people would just have to accept me and what I look like and what my story was. Some people ran away without looking back, others had a morbid curiosity. Oh well, it was all worth it because I found one that likes me for me, short lesbian hair and all. 

I am glad to say 2015 is starting out pretty awesome and I can't wait to see what else it brings. I mentioned this last year but this year will be the year of YES. I said year a lot in that last sentence but get over it.  I want to experience new things. I want to go on adventures. This time last year I was too sick to even get off the couch most of the time. I remember staying up all night with all these wild thoughts racing through my mind. Am I going to die? Am I going to ruin my body. Am I going to ruin my life. Will I get other cancers? What if this never goes away? Crying in the shower so nobody could see I was falling apart and not as strong as they all thought. Lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking maybe it would be better if I just died. My mom could of went home to her husband in California instead of taking care of me 24-7. Katie could spend time with her daughter rather than sitting in the hospital waiting for my surgeries to be over. My grandmother could focus on her own health rather than worrying her granddaughter wasn't gonna make it to the summer. And my aunt wouldn't have to watch her niece go through something she just endured herself. So many lives interrupted because of cancer. My cancer.

To this day I still wish I could be a ball of sunshine but that has yet to happen. I am still bitter and upset. I am grateful I made it out alive but for what? I need a purpose now. I need to accomplish something otherwise why am I alive? Why did I put everyone through that nonsense just to let my life go to waste. Maybe I am just meant to enjoy this second chance. Not worry about the little things, rather, enjoy the little things. I am trying. 

I have my six month scan this month. I haven't had a scan since before I had radiation done to eliminate the last of the "cancer." I'll be a nervous wreck as it gets closer. What if its back or never fully went away? I don't want to go through all that again. My body is still recovering from chemo and radiation. I have finally lost my moon face from the steroids. But my body still has some chemo weight I gained during treatment and I feel as if my hair isn't growing and I will be stuck with short hair forever! My skin is all kinds of weird colors. And the body hair.... I look like Teen Wolf. Oh well! 

Well cheers to 2015 and lets hope for a healthy, happy, adventurous year!

Diagnosiversary?

A year ago this month I was going through tests like crazy trying to figure out what was causing my neck to swell up. What were all these bumps on me? Why was I itchy and why would I wake up DRENCHED in sweat in the middle of the night. Who knew all of that would lead to cancer. I never put two and two together. I always joked about having cancer because I was a hypochondriac but the day these lumps on my neck appeared that was the one time I didn't jump to the conclusion of cancer. I probably jinxed myself. Bah humbug.

This past year has been intense. Who remembers when I went to the ER after my first chemo due to stomach pain? They thought I had a burst appendix or a twisted ovary (WTF.) I was in the ER for almost 6 hours writhing in pain. Turns out I was just really constipated but nobody told me. They just sent me home saying they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Gotta love the health care system. Its all good I just ate a lot of prunes and shortly after, HALLELUJAH!

Chemo was no fun though. I remember the nasty taste. The weird reaction in my throat to the premeds. The Benadryl turning my eyes stoner red. Uhg as I am typing this I get that feeling in my mouth, it makes me sick. Lets skip talking about chemo, K thanks!

Remember that time I had my bone marrow biopsy and they hit a nerve so I was hospitalized for the day due to immense pain in my lower extremities and being doped up on all kinds of amazing drugs! Good times! What about that time towards the end of chemo where my lungs got pulmonary toxicity from the Bleomycin and I had to go on those chunky face makers called steroids! That was fun! I love getting lung biopsies and gaining weight!! Man cancer has been so good to me! (Also I apologize for the run on sentences but deal with it!)

Looking back a year ago, a lot of early memories feel foggy. I think I coasted through most of it on autopilot not really comprehending what was happening to me. I look at old pictures and miss the old Jessica. Long hair, thin face, lean body. I even feel like my voice is different. Its all mostly superficial but that's who I knew for 24 years and now who am I? I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror and the person in pictures looks like a stranger. I've lost my identity.

Whats the plan? Whats the goal in life? Am I just supposed to enjoy it and do whatever makes me happy? Yes I suppose that's a good answer. Life is so hard. I thought I had it figured out. I had it made in the shade with lemonade and now I just feel like I don't belong. Is it Washington? I sure don't feel like I belong back in California. Why can't I win the lottery and travel and be wild. Not have to worry about bills, jobs, insurance, people, love, feelings, stress, the world. A problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone in my cave and not deal with anything either. Why can't I be a hermit!! Man this emotional roller coaster ride isn't over yet and I don't see an end in site. I hate roller coasters.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a blood test to check for cancer markers. But lately I have been having weird things happen and so my doctor will be doing a full check up to see whats going on with my body. Of course I jump to the worst conclusion and that is that the cancer is back but of course I shouldn't go there. Wouldn't that be a bit of sweet irony. Below are pictures I found in my "Cancer" picture folder. Till next time skids.



Also a quick shout out to the band wagon hoppers who got a kick out of my near death experience and have since vanished: WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ;)

The Day I Cut My Hair AD

The Lump In Question BD

After The Biopsy BD

Golum and Fraline  AD

Nobody cares unless you are dying or beautiful

Haunting

These haunting feelings and memories flash through my mind. They flash bright and loud. They cause me to stop and have an anxiety attack. Why? What is happening to me? Memories of getting diagnosed, correction, misdiagnosed. Then flashes of the actual diagnoses of cancer. This time last year I was running tests and seeing doctors and had the cancer cloud hovering over my head, waiting for its downpour. When finally it happened. The crash of cold, sharp cancer came pouring down. I had cancer. Have? Had? Whatever. Almost a year later of getting diagnosed and its like its happening all over again. I feel like I am reliving what happened this time last year. Its like a movie. Picture a young lad coming home from war and 5 years later he wakes up in the middle of the night to cold sweats and the scene cuts to a black and white screen. BOOM! FLASH! Bombs go off. Loud noises and screams are heard. Death. Fear. Then back to reality.

I "survived" cancer, I should be happy and moving on and living. Why can't I be an inspiration? Why can't I be like those role models and give hope to those currently fighting? Why can't I move on? Who will answer these questions for me! I just want my old life back, my old body, my old sense of self. I do not go a day without having cancer fall off my lips. I do not go looking for it, it finds me. Better yet never leaves me. Maybe as time goes on it will get easier and less haunting. Maybe the pain will go away as well.

My body aches and hurts. If feel like I have been hit by a train more often than not. My skin hurts to the touch on occasion. My lungs are not like they used to be. Why did I get cancer? Why me. Had I not been through enough in my life? I thought I endured enough torment and lessons learned. Again I wish I was a basket of rainbows and butterflies but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everyone. Maybe someone feeling the same way as me, in the same situation will stumble upon this and maybe, just maybe, they will say "So it's not just me!" No its not just you. What you are feeling is normal. But if you are one of the ones who felt they got a second chance and shit rainbows then good for you. I wish I was like you.

Sure I have my moments of SEIZE THE DAY! But those are quickly followed by well this is life and shit happens. There is a general saying that after a shit load of bad stuff happens then a shit load of good stuff should happen. I mean I do have something of that nature tattooed on me for goodness sake. It's a good reminder and inspiration and sometimes it works. But what I am getting at is: It seems like a whole lot of bad shit has happened to me lately when will it turn around? When will the clouds part and the sun shine through? Maybe I am being too negative. Maybe I need to appreciate the little things. Well folks, I AM TRYING!! Thats all I can do.

I hear people joke about getting cancer like its not a real thing. Like it can't happen to them. I used to do that a lot and BOOM I got cancer. HOW THE FUCK?! Pardon my language I am hangry because I am on a diet trying to lose the weight cancer so willingly gave to me. And when we broke up Cancer said I could keep the weight. How thoughtful.

Even though I am haunted by these feelings and memories I also feel like it didn't happen. Is that weird? I don't know if any body else can relate to that actually. It feels like a dream. I didn't go to work, my mom lived with me and made me food. I went on adventures, I met new people, got a cool new haircut and occasionally got pumped full of poison that knocked me out a few days. And now like nothing happened I picked back up where I left off. Nobody had a clue. Strangers and new acquaintances have no idea I almost died. Part of me wants to introduce myself as Jessica Cancer Survivor. Cancer is a huge thing and I did it, shouldn't I get a high five or something? That's probably wrong of me to think. On the other side of it I don't want people to know because people are ignorant and will probably think it was breast cancer or couldn't of been that bad because I survived. As a kid I remember thinking that cancer was a death sentence, and maybe back then it was, but it was scary and I feared it.

I am just thankful for the group of friends I have made during this experience. Without them I would be lost and alone. They help me get through these troubled times. I guess I can just continue to take things one day at a time and wait for the tides to turn. Until then let the hauntings continue.

Heartbreak...

I have always heard people talk about their heart breaks. They said that they felt empty and their heart actually hurt. I have had my fair share of heart break and thought it was pretty rough. I understood that feeling of your heart actually hurting. But I have recently experienced true heart break. It ached deep in my body. I felt my heart just cracking and crumbling and I had a hard time finding a breath. This was a different pain. This was real and never ending. It consumed me and overwhelmed my senses. The world just faded away and all I could feel was the pain of this heartbreak. It happened all at once. No it wasn't a boy. No I didn't have a fight with a best friend. The moment I had to say my goodbyes to my grandmother was the moment my heart broke.

Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.

I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.

Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.

Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.

Jacqueline Frances King 

October 31st 1936- October 16th 2014

October...

Well it is October!! Its fall, Halloween is right around the corner, this is supposed to be a great month!!! But wait, why is everything pink? Oh that's right its Breast Cancer awareness month. Was anybody aware that last month was blood cancer awareness month? Of course not because nobody cares about the blood. Blood aint cute like titties are. Save the tatas. I heart boobies. Really? Way to sexualize and degrade a serious disease. Sure I am all for the awareness of the disease to raise money and help support research for a cure but is that what is really happening with all of the pink crap and so called "awareness?" A lot of companies are just using this as a way to make more money for themselves and not donating any of the proceeds. When you buy that "Save Second Base" shirt be sure that proceeds go to actual research! Its ridiculous this month has turned into a who can sell the most pink, booby crap.  It is also irritating to see all these people just hop on the bandwagon for the month and then forget about it the rest of the year. Breast cancer, along with all other cancers, is around every day, all year not just in October. One might say well breast cancer is a common cancer so everyone knows about it. Well my rebuttal to that is: EXACTLY! Why not bring awareness to the things people are not aware of! Isn't that the point? Breast cancer is serious and in no way am I saying it doesn't deserve to have a month of awareness. I am just trying to educate you people to be aware of other things as well or to stay committed throughout the year, not just when its cool to be aware. I think I will make a "I heart Nodes" T shirt. Or maybe "Save The Ovaries" shirt. What about "I <3 Testicles." Yes. Those should happen. Make cool shirts for all cancers!

I do not have breast cancer but I was told that my radiation increases my risk of breast cancer a significant amount and I am required to get mammograms here shortly to check. If I do ever get breast cancer I would probably just have a double mastectomy. I know its rough to go through something like that but in all honestly I would feel safer just getting rid of my tatas rather than doing a lumpectomy. I have met a few breast cancer survivors through my journey and a lot of them feel the same way about October. Its just ridiculous what this month has turned into. I support all the breast cancer survivors and wish them the best! We are all in the same Cancer Boat and we gotta stick together! Along with all my other cancer survivors and fighters. Lets bring awareness to the unknown and unfamiliar cancers! Share our stories and hope for the best!

Update...

Well it has been about a month since my last post. My last entry was before I started radiation therapy and now here I am done with radiation. And guess what?! My doctor gave me the "You are cancer free" speech. I was not expecting to hear that but I had finished all of my planned treatments and was wondering whats next? Whats next is 6 months of normal living till I have my sixth month scan and hope for the best. I think the cancer part of my life is over! Oh wait no its not, I am still on steroids, I still have short hair, I have grown back three times as much hair as I had before, I am out of shape, and I have scars all over. So no cancer is not over and it cannot be forgotten. On the bright side I can be teen wolf for Halloween since I am so hairy, so thats nice.

Lets go over what happened to me during radiation. First off let me tell you that was a damn hassle. I had to go to radiation during my lunch break for the first week. I spent my whole lunch hour plus a fifteen minute break to go to the hospital to do 5 minutes of radiation. I would either be late to radiation or late back to work. That was extra stress I didn't really need in my life. Luckily my boss was understanding. The rest of the time I had to go to radiation before work which meant I had to get up early. As for the side effects, those kicked in about 2 weeks into radiation. My throat became very sore, too sore to eat food. Eating became painful, and if you know me that was THE WORST. I love food. My skin also turned really red and I got a rash. It was like a really bad sun burn. And as of now the rash has turned brown and weird looking, very attractive. Oh well I embrace my cancer scars and deformities. My cats love me and thats all that matters.

I guess we could talk about the good things in life. My hair looks like I did it on purpose and I get a lot of compliments. I don't know why people are always so surprised with my short hair. Are ladies not supposed to have short hair? Whats wrong with the world. Also I visited California this past week. I went to a family wedding and had a blast. Also, in about a week I will have lived here in Washington for a year. A YEAR!!! I made it. The black hole that is the Antelope Valley has not sucked me back in yet. Yes I say yet because when I visited this last week I did miss it. Everything is so familiar and it has that feeling of being home. But I love Washington as well. I am bound to Washington for at least another year due to my lease so we will see how things go in a year. I have also been dating. Yup the forever alone gal has been on some dates. Its nice to feel normal again. There is hope!!

I wish I had more exciting things to talk about but I am not really in a writing mood. The creative juices are not flowing but when will I have time to write anything so I at least wanted to get an update out there.

The Next Chapter...

Well I shall be starting Radiation therapy tomorrow. For the first few days I will need to go during my lunch break at work which will be a hassle but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I will be doing radiation for 15 days straight, finishing right before my trip to California. Word is that towards the end is when the side effects kick in, so I will be attending my cousins wedding with burnt skin, sore throat and I will be lethargic, so yay. BUT at least its not chemo!!! I guess this is the next chapter and hopefully the final Cancer related chapter. I had a two month vacation from all the cancer drama and treatments but now I am just ready to be done! Hopefully this gets rid of the remaining "cancer" in my chest. I am hoping that by the new year I can start fresh and healthy and put all of this behind me. I am ready to be the healthy, athletic fit Jessica that I was almost two years ago. My goal is to be soccer ready by the new year but who knows how that will go. I was going to the gym but since my car was broken into a few days ago, in the gym parking lot, I don't want to go back. I feel like I kind of have PTSD with getting robbed at the gym.

What are the odds that my car would get broken into again at the gym but who would of guessed I would of gotten robbed in the first place? I just don't feel safe at the gym. I actually don't feel that safe in general now. I keep checking my windows to see if they are all there. When I am driving I panic and look back thinking someone is gonna knock my window out. Its weird. Now I have one non tinted window and it also freaks me out because its so bright I feel like its still broken. It makes me sad that someone would rob me. I was wearing my Fight Like a Crazy Cat Lady shirt to the gym that day. I have a feeling the robbers were watching me the whole time which means they saw my shirt and short hair. BUT hooligans and criminals don't give a fuck about anything so of course when they see a girl that just beat cancer they aren't gonna say "oh she was sick lets feel bad for her and not rob her because she has been through enough in her life." HAHA. But still it pisses me off there are people like that in the world that just don't give a fuck and their career is robbing people of their hard earned money. Oh and the cops didn't care. "File a police report online when you get time kay thanks bye," is what I was told when I called the police. Oh and the gym manger said "This happens once a week, sorry." What. The. Fuck. I hate this world.

All of these events just made me super depressed. It just seems there is nothing worth living for these days. The world is a horrible place filled with mostly horrible people.The last 12 months have been the worst, first I tore my ACL and had knee surgery, then got laid off, then got diagnosed with cancer, then got robbed. And that's just the big stuff. My cats need me, that is the only thing that gets me through my days which seems a little depressing. 2015 better bring merry tidings and some silver linings. Its so hard to stay positive and happy and look on the bright side of things when everything just seems so dark all the time. Uhg.

All of these life changing events have also made me realize that I really do want a new career. I need a job that better fits me and my needs. I want to enjoy life, not spend most of my time stressing out and working all hours of the day. I deserve a job with a set schedule. I deserve a job that makes me happy. I deserve to be happy at some point!!!! Everyone deserves to be happy. For a while I have felt indebted to my job for taking care of me while I was going through treatment but why? Its just a job a job and I worked with them for 5 years so they better take care of me when I am in need. I have also felt that I am stuck in my job due to my health. I need health insurance at all times now and starting a new career could put a lapse in coverage. Employers don't hire sick people. Don't tell me "They can't discriminate because of that!" They can't but that doesn't mean they wont. This world is horrible and if they found out I had cancer they would rather hire someone who is healthy and reliable and they would just tell me they found someone more "qualified." That is the world we live in. But I am smart and a great worker so anybody would be lucky to have me. Fingers crossed that I can find something that makes me happy.

Other than all that shit life is great. That was sarcasm. This shits tough. Life is tough. But I didn't beat cancer to just give up on life. I will keep trucking along and hope for the best.

Cancer Groupies

December of 2013 I was told I have cancer. Twenty Four year old Jessica had cancer. December 25th 2013 I told the world I had cancer. On Christmas? You ask. Yes I told the world on Christmas that I had cancer, oh how selfish of me to ruin every ones day with that news. Actually I didn't ruin anybodies day. Those that mattered had known what I was dealing with for weeks. And my Christmas was spent home alone fasting because on December 26th I had my first pet scan. My day was spent writing blogs and lost in a world I would become all to familiar with over the next few months. So yes I posted on all my social media accounts the link to this blog. If people cared they could read it and see what I was going through otherwise they could keep scrolling past and go on with their lives. I did receive likes and comments and condolences and blah blah blah all that nonsense that comes along with telling the world you are dying. Everyone wants to be apart of something. Correction: Everyone wants to be apart of someones misery. Whether it be so they can be grateful its not happening to them, or so they can say they know someone with cancer, or just for their own morbid satisfaction.

This experience has taught me so much. Mostly it taught me that people suck. And that is okay. Why? Its okay because now I know who my true friends are and who I can count on in the future. Don't get me wrong I have been shown some real compassion during this and I am grateful but I have also seen the downside. I have learned who just wanted to be a part of something bigger than them. I learned that in the beginning everyone wants to be your friend and help in any way they can but as soon as the excitement dies down they could not care any less. As the months dragged on and I pushed through treatments my so called "support team" dwindled to a handful of people. I understand that it must of been so hard to deal with MY cancer. It must of been so hard to see ME get so sick. It must of pained you to see ME in such agony. Or was it because I didn't get deathly ill. Because I wasn't stuck in a hospital bed. Because according to you I wasn't dying so it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe it's because I was dying and you couldn't deal with the thought. Either way I understand and I forgive you. With or without you I am alive and still fighting. I am fighting a battle you know nothing about. I may share what I am feeling and going through on this blog but until you have been in my head and walked in my shoes and been in this situation you have no idea. Because if you did you would realize that this battle is far from over. Just because I am no longer doing chemo doesn't mean I have won this war. It means I have survived one battle and that battle was chemotherapy. I got my scars and wounds but I survived so far. The next battle is yet to come, that may include radiation or the watch and wait scenario. I hope to win those battles as well and eventually be declared the winner of this war over my body.

I will forever be haunted by cancer. It is forever a part of my life now. For you my cancer story is over so you don't care but for me its just begun. And do not ask me "When did you beat cancer?" Because I have not beat cancer it is not that simple for most. I may never hear the words that I am cancer free. I understand you are naive and have no idea what you are saying but just don't say it, kay thanks. Also if I hear one more person tell me I am so strong I may have to slap a baby in the face. I did what I had to to survive, I did not have a choice. I am just one unlucky fool that stood too close to the microwave as a child and got cancer.

Radioactive

Well I received a call from the radiologist that was looking at my last scan and he seems to think it would be a good idea to do radiation rather than wait. I have an appointment with him in about two weeks so he can plead his case. I was set on waiting and watching for a few months. In the end it is up to me but I don't want to be responsible for that decision. I would rather believe the doctors are looking out for my best interest, which you can never be too sure. I have been in what seems like good hands up till this point. It's just depressing, I was hoping that I would have a clear scan and be done with this but I guess my battle isn't quite over yet. This will just be another chapter in the book of Kraft.

My work hours are 9:30-7:30 most days which will mean I will have to be at radiation at about 8 or 8:30 every morning to do radiation. The last plan I had talked about was to do radiation daily for 18 days. The word on the street is that radiation is much easier than chemo but still has its side effects and down sides. I have read that it really packs a punch towards the end. Your body gets weak and really tired. Which if that is the case will suck when working such long work hours. But I am awesome and will do it all because well I am an adult and don't have any other choice.

On the bright side I feel great. I am having a semi successful week at my new branch. I still have anxiety and worry about every little thing but that's probably just normal and not cancer related but I feel like I can blame everything on cancer these days. I am tired, cancer. My feet hurt, cancer. My car ran out of gas, cancer. My cat scratched my hand, cancer. Its legit. You should try it sometime. Nah just kidding. My hair is still growing in nicely which is nice. That was redundant, my apologies.

I still feel like something is missing in my life. It just feels off. I can't really put my finger on it but I don't like it. I guess I will still just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. After all, I had cancer, how much worse could it get?

P.S. World, don't take that as a challenge!

To Limbo or not to Limbo....

Today was the day I had been waiting for since I finished chemo nearly 2 months ago. I had my follow up appointment to get my pet scan results. Actually let me take us back to last Thursday..... I get off work and am heading to meet friends for dinner when I answer my voice mail and there in my inbox is  a call from my doctor. Oh no. The dreaded call before the appointment means its something that can't wait. Uhg my heart sank and a tear fell from my eye because I knew it wouldn't be good news. Sure enough my doctor had advised that the spot we had been worried about was still there. To make it worse he advised he would be out of the office all weekend. So I was left to interpret this voice mail however my mind wanted. Deep down I think I knew I wasn't done just yet. I had been in a limbo for almost two months without closure, without any for sure sign this was over. I then went the weekend mulling over what my next step would be. Radiation or no radiation? More chemo? Just wait and see? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN??

Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.

On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.

Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!

Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!