Diagnosiversary?

A year ago this month I was going through tests like crazy trying to figure out what was causing my neck to swell up. What were all these bumps on me? Why was I itchy and why would I wake up DRENCHED in sweat in the middle of the night. Who knew all of that would lead to cancer. I never put two and two together. I always joked about having cancer because I was a hypochondriac but the day these lumps on my neck appeared that was the one time I didn't jump to the conclusion of cancer. I probably jinxed myself. Bah humbug.

This past year has been intense. Who remembers when I went to the ER after my first chemo due to stomach pain? They thought I had a burst appendix or a twisted ovary (WTF.) I was in the ER for almost 6 hours writhing in pain. Turns out I was just really constipated but nobody told me. They just sent me home saying they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Gotta love the health care system. Its all good I just ate a lot of prunes and shortly after, HALLELUJAH!

Chemo was no fun though. I remember the nasty taste. The weird reaction in my throat to the premeds. The Benadryl turning my eyes stoner red. Uhg as I am typing this I get that feeling in my mouth, it makes me sick. Lets skip talking about chemo, K thanks!

Remember that time I had my bone marrow biopsy and they hit a nerve so I was hospitalized for the day due to immense pain in my lower extremities and being doped up on all kinds of amazing drugs! Good times! What about that time towards the end of chemo where my lungs got pulmonary toxicity from the Bleomycin and I had to go on those chunky face makers called steroids! That was fun! I love getting lung biopsies and gaining weight!! Man cancer has been so good to me! (Also I apologize for the run on sentences but deal with it!)

Looking back a year ago, a lot of early memories feel foggy. I think I coasted through most of it on autopilot not really comprehending what was happening to me. I look at old pictures and miss the old Jessica. Long hair, thin face, lean body. I even feel like my voice is different. Its all mostly superficial but that's who I knew for 24 years and now who am I? I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror and the person in pictures looks like a stranger. I've lost my identity.

Whats the plan? Whats the goal in life? Am I just supposed to enjoy it and do whatever makes me happy? Yes I suppose that's a good answer. Life is so hard. I thought I had it figured out. I had it made in the shade with lemonade and now I just feel like I don't belong. Is it Washington? I sure don't feel like I belong back in California. Why can't I win the lottery and travel and be wild. Not have to worry about bills, jobs, insurance, people, love, feelings, stress, the world. A problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone in my cave and not deal with anything either. Why can't I be a hermit!! Man this emotional roller coaster ride isn't over yet and I don't see an end in site. I hate roller coasters.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a blood test to check for cancer markers. But lately I have been having weird things happen and so my doctor will be doing a full check up to see whats going on with my body. Of course I jump to the worst conclusion and that is that the cancer is back but of course I shouldn't go there. Wouldn't that be a bit of sweet irony. Below are pictures I found in my "Cancer" picture folder. Till next time skids.



Also a quick shout out to the band wagon hoppers who got a kick out of my near death experience and have since vanished: WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ;)

The Day I Cut My Hair AD

The Lump In Question BD

After The Biopsy BD

Golum and Fraline  AD

Nobody cares unless you are dying or beautiful

Haunting

These haunting feelings and memories flash through my mind. They flash bright and loud. They cause me to stop and have an anxiety attack. Why? What is happening to me? Memories of getting diagnosed, correction, misdiagnosed. Then flashes of the actual diagnoses of cancer. This time last year I was running tests and seeing doctors and had the cancer cloud hovering over my head, waiting for its downpour. When finally it happened. The crash of cold, sharp cancer came pouring down. I had cancer. Have? Had? Whatever. Almost a year later of getting diagnosed and its like its happening all over again. I feel like I am reliving what happened this time last year. Its like a movie. Picture a young lad coming home from war and 5 years later he wakes up in the middle of the night to cold sweats and the scene cuts to a black and white screen. BOOM! FLASH! Bombs go off. Loud noises and screams are heard. Death. Fear. Then back to reality.

I "survived" cancer, I should be happy and moving on and living. Why can't I be an inspiration? Why can't I be like those role models and give hope to those currently fighting? Why can't I move on? Who will answer these questions for me! I just want my old life back, my old body, my old sense of self. I do not go a day without having cancer fall off my lips. I do not go looking for it, it finds me. Better yet never leaves me. Maybe as time goes on it will get easier and less haunting. Maybe the pain will go away as well.

My body aches and hurts. If feel like I have been hit by a train more often than not. My skin hurts to the touch on occasion. My lungs are not like they used to be. Why did I get cancer? Why me. Had I not been through enough in my life? I thought I endured enough torment and lessons learned. Again I wish I was a basket of rainbows and butterflies but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everyone. Maybe someone feeling the same way as me, in the same situation will stumble upon this and maybe, just maybe, they will say "So it's not just me!" No its not just you. What you are feeling is normal. But if you are one of the ones who felt they got a second chance and shit rainbows then good for you. I wish I was like you.

Sure I have my moments of SEIZE THE DAY! But those are quickly followed by well this is life and shit happens. There is a general saying that after a shit load of bad stuff happens then a shit load of good stuff should happen. I mean I do have something of that nature tattooed on me for goodness sake. It's a good reminder and inspiration and sometimes it works. But what I am getting at is: It seems like a whole lot of bad shit has happened to me lately when will it turn around? When will the clouds part and the sun shine through? Maybe I am being too negative. Maybe I need to appreciate the little things. Well folks, I AM TRYING!! Thats all I can do.

I hear people joke about getting cancer like its not a real thing. Like it can't happen to them. I used to do that a lot and BOOM I got cancer. HOW THE FUCK?! Pardon my language I am hangry because I am on a diet trying to lose the weight cancer so willingly gave to me. And when we broke up Cancer said I could keep the weight. How thoughtful.

Even though I am haunted by these feelings and memories I also feel like it didn't happen. Is that weird? I don't know if any body else can relate to that actually. It feels like a dream. I didn't go to work, my mom lived with me and made me food. I went on adventures, I met new people, got a cool new haircut and occasionally got pumped full of poison that knocked me out a few days. And now like nothing happened I picked back up where I left off. Nobody had a clue. Strangers and new acquaintances have no idea I almost died. Part of me wants to introduce myself as Jessica Cancer Survivor. Cancer is a huge thing and I did it, shouldn't I get a high five or something? That's probably wrong of me to think. On the other side of it I don't want people to know because people are ignorant and will probably think it was breast cancer or couldn't of been that bad because I survived. As a kid I remember thinking that cancer was a death sentence, and maybe back then it was, but it was scary and I feared it.

I am just thankful for the group of friends I have made during this experience. Without them I would be lost and alone. They help me get through these troubled times. I guess I can just continue to take things one day at a time and wait for the tides to turn. Until then let the hauntings continue.

Heartbreak...

I have always heard people talk about their heart breaks. They said that they felt empty and their heart actually hurt. I have had my fair share of heart break and thought it was pretty rough. I understood that feeling of your heart actually hurting. But I have recently experienced true heart break. It ached deep in my body. I felt my heart just cracking and crumbling and I had a hard time finding a breath. This was a different pain. This was real and never ending. It consumed me and overwhelmed my senses. The world just faded away and all I could feel was the pain of this heartbreak. It happened all at once. No it wasn't a boy. No I didn't have a fight with a best friend. The moment I had to say my goodbyes to my grandmother was the moment my heart broke.

Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.

I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.

Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.

Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.

Jacqueline Frances King 

October 31st 1936- October 16th 2014

October...

Well it is October!! Its fall, Halloween is right around the corner, this is supposed to be a great month!!! But wait, why is everything pink? Oh that's right its Breast Cancer awareness month. Was anybody aware that last month was blood cancer awareness month? Of course not because nobody cares about the blood. Blood aint cute like titties are. Save the tatas. I heart boobies. Really? Way to sexualize and degrade a serious disease. Sure I am all for the awareness of the disease to raise money and help support research for a cure but is that what is really happening with all of the pink crap and so called "awareness?" A lot of companies are just using this as a way to make more money for themselves and not donating any of the proceeds. When you buy that "Save Second Base" shirt be sure that proceeds go to actual research! Its ridiculous this month has turned into a who can sell the most pink, booby crap.  It is also irritating to see all these people just hop on the bandwagon for the month and then forget about it the rest of the year. Breast cancer, along with all other cancers, is around every day, all year not just in October. One might say well breast cancer is a common cancer so everyone knows about it. Well my rebuttal to that is: EXACTLY! Why not bring awareness to the things people are not aware of! Isn't that the point? Breast cancer is serious and in no way am I saying it doesn't deserve to have a month of awareness. I am just trying to educate you people to be aware of other things as well or to stay committed throughout the year, not just when its cool to be aware. I think I will make a "I heart Nodes" T shirt. Or maybe "Save The Ovaries" shirt. What about "I <3 Testicles." Yes. Those should happen. Make cool shirts for all cancers!

I do not have breast cancer but I was told that my radiation increases my risk of breast cancer a significant amount and I am required to get mammograms here shortly to check. If I do ever get breast cancer I would probably just have a double mastectomy. I know its rough to go through something like that but in all honestly I would feel safer just getting rid of my tatas rather than doing a lumpectomy. I have met a few breast cancer survivors through my journey and a lot of them feel the same way about October. Its just ridiculous what this month has turned into. I support all the breast cancer survivors and wish them the best! We are all in the same Cancer Boat and we gotta stick together! Along with all my other cancer survivors and fighters. Lets bring awareness to the unknown and unfamiliar cancers! Share our stories and hope for the best!

Update...

Well it has been about a month since my last post. My last entry was before I started radiation therapy and now here I am done with radiation. And guess what?! My doctor gave me the "You are cancer free" speech. I was not expecting to hear that but I had finished all of my planned treatments and was wondering whats next? Whats next is 6 months of normal living till I have my sixth month scan and hope for the best. I think the cancer part of my life is over! Oh wait no its not, I am still on steroids, I still have short hair, I have grown back three times as much hair as I had before, I am out of shape, and I have scars all over. So no cancer is not over and it cannot be forgotten. On the bright side I can be teen wolf for Halloween since I am so hairy, so thats nice.

Lets go over what happened to me during radiation. First off let me tell you that was a damn hassle. I had to go to radiation during my lunch break for the first week. I spent my whole lunch hour plus a fifteen minute break to go to the hospital to do 5 minutes of radiation. I would either be late to radiation or late back to work. That was extra stress I didn't really need in my life. Luckily my boss was understanding. The rest of the time I had to go to radiation before work which meant I had to get up early. As for the side effects, those kicked in about 2 weeks into radiation. My throat became very sore, too sore to eat food. Eating became painful, and if you know me that was THE WORST. I love food. My skin also turned really red and I got a rash. It was like a really bad sun burn. And as of now the rash has turned brown and weird looking, very attractive. Oh well I embrace my cancer scars and deformities. My cats love me and thats all that matters.

I guess we could talk about the good things in life. My hair looks like I did it on purpose and I get a lot of compliments. I don't know why people are always so surprised with my short hair. Are ladies not supposed to have short hair? Whats wrong with the world. Also I visited California this past week. I went to a family wedding and had a blast. Also, in about a week I will have lived here in Washington for a year. A YEAR!!! I made it. The black hole that is the Antelope Valley has not sucked me back in yet. Yes I say yet because when I visited this last week I did miss it. Everything is so familiar and it has that feeling of being home. But I love Washington as well. I am bound to Washington for at least another year due to my lease so we will see how things go in a year. I have also been dating. Yup the forever alone gal has been on some dates. Its nice to feel normal again. There is hope!!

I wish I had more exciting things to talk about but I am not really in a writing mood. The creative juices are not flowing but when will I have time to write anything so I at least wanted to get an update out there.

The Next Chapter...

Well I shall be starting Radiation therapy tomorrow. For the first few days I will need to go during my lunch break at work which will be a hassle but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I will be doing radiation for 15 days straight, finishing right before my trip to California. Word is that towards the end is when the side effects kick in, so I will be attending my cousins wedding with burnt skin, sore throat and I will be lethargic, so yay. BUT at least its not chemo!!! I guess this is the next chapter and hopefully the final Cancer related chapter. I had a two month vacation from all the cancer drama and treatments but now I am just ready to be done! Hopefully this gets rid of the remaining "cancer" in my chest. I am hoping that by the new year I can start fresh and healthy and put all of this behind me. I am ready to be the healthy, athletic fit Jessica that I was almost two years ago. My goal is to be soccer ready by the new year but who knows how that will go. I was going to the gym but since my car was broken into a few days ago, in the gym parking lot, I don't want to go back. I feel like I kind of have PTSD with getting robbed at the gym.

What are the odds that my car would get broken into again at the gym but who would of guessed I would of gotten robbed in the first place? I just don't feel safe at the gym. I actually don't feel that safe in general now. I keep checking my windows to see if they are all there. When I am driving I panic and look back thinking someone is gonna knock my window out. Its weird. Now I have one non tinted window and it also freaks me out because its so bright I feel like its still broken. It makes me sad that someone would rob me. I was wearing my Fight Like a Crazy Cat Lady shirt to the gym that day. I have a feeling the robbers were watching me the whole time which means they saw my shirt and short hair. BUT hooligans and criminals don't give a fuck about anything so of course when they see a girl that just beat cancer they aren't gonna say "oh she was sick lets feel bad for her and not rob her because she has been through enough in her life." HAHA. But still it pisses me off there are people like that in the world that just don't give a fuck and their career is robbing people of their hard earned money. Oh and the cops didn't care. "File a police report online when you get time kay thanks bye," is what I was told when I called the police. Oh and the gym manger said "This happens once a week, sorry." What. The. Fuck. I hate this world.

All of these events just made me super depressed. It just seems there is nothing worth living for these days. The world is a horrible place filled with mostly horrible people.The last 12 months have been the worst, first I tore my ACL and had knee surgery, then got laid off, then got diagnosed with cancer, then got robbed. And that's just the big stuff. My cats need me, that is the only thing that gets me through my days which seems a little depressing. 2015 better bring merry tidings and some silver linings. Its so hard to stay positive and happy and look on the bright side of things when everything just seems so dark all the time. Uhg.

All of these life changing events have also made me realize that I really do want a new career. I need a job that better fits me and my needs. I want to enjoy life, not spend most of my time stressing out and working all hours of the day. I deserve a job with a set schedule. I deserve a job that makes me happy. I deserve to be happy at some point!!!! Everyone deserves to be happy. For a while I have felt indebted to my job for taking care of me while I was going through treatment but why? Its just a job a job and I worked with them for 5 years so they better take care of me when I am in need. I have also felt that I am stuck in my job due to my health. I need health insurance at all times now and starting a new career could put a lapse in coverage. Employers don't hire sick people. Don't tell me "They can't discriminate because of that!" They can't but that doesn't mean they wont. This world is horrible and if they found out I had cancer they would rather hire someone who is healthy and reliable and they would just tell me they found someone more "qualified." That is the world we live in. But I am smart and a great worker so anybody would be lucky to have me. Fingers crossed that I can find something that makes me happy.

Other than all that shit life is great. That was sarcasm. This shits tough. Life is tough. But I didn't beat cancer to just give up on life. I will keep trucking along and hope for the best.

Cancer Groupies

December of 2013 I was told I have cancer. Twenty Four year old Jessica had cancer. December 25th 2013 I told the world I had cancer. On Christmas? You ask. Yes I told the world on Christmas that I had cancer, oh how selfish of me to ruin every ones day with that news. Actually I didn't ruin anybodies day. Those that mattered had known what I was dealing with for weeks. And my Christmas was spent home alone fasting because on December 26th I had my first pet scan. My day was spent writing blogs and lost in a world I would become all to familiar with over the next few months. So yes I posted on all my social media accounts the link to this blog. If people cared they could read it and see what I was going through otherwise they could keep scrolling past and go on with their lives. I did receive likes and comments and condolences and blah blah blah all that nonsense that comes along with telling the world you are dying. Everyone wants to be apart of something. Correction: Everyone wants to be apart of someones misery. Whether it be so they can be grateful its not happening to them, or so they can say they know someone with cancer, or just for their own morbid satisfaction.

This experience has taught me so much. Mostly it taught me that people suck. And that is okay. Why? Its okay because now I know who my true friends are and who I can count on in the future. Don't get me wrong I have been shown some real compassion during this and I am grateful but I have also seen the downside. I have learned who just wanted to be a part of something bigger than them. I learned that in the beginning everyone wants to be your friend and help in any way they can but as soon as the excitement dies down they could not care any less. As the months dragged on and I pushed through treatments my so called "support team" dwindled to a handful of people. I understand that it must of been so hard to deal with MY cancer. It must of been so hard to see ME get so sick. It must of pained you to see ME in such agony. Or was it because I didn't get deathly ill. Because I wasn't stuck in a hospital bed. Because according to you I wasn't dying so it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe it's because I was dying and you couldn't deal with the thought. Either way I understand and I forgive you. With or without you I am alive and still fighting. I am fighting a battle you know nothing about. I may share what I am feeling and going through on this blog but until you have been in my head and walked in my shoes and been in this situation you have no idea. Because if you did you would realize that this battle is far from over. Just because I am no longer doing chemo doesn't mean I have won this war. It means I have survived one battle and that battle was chemotherapy. I got my scars and wounds but I survived so far. The next battle is yet to come, that may include radiation or the watch and wait scenario. I hope to win those battles as well and eventually be declared the winner of this war over my body.

I will forever be haunted by cancer. It is forever a part of my life now. For you my cancer story is over so you don't care but for me its just begun. And do not ask me "When did you beat cancer?" Because I have not beat cancer it is not that simple for most. I may never hear the words that I am cancer free. I understand you are naive and have no idea what you are saying but just don't say it, kay thanks. Also if I hear one more person tell me I am so strong I may have to slap a baby in the face. I did what I had to to survive, I did not have a choice. I am just one unlucky fool that stood too close to the microwave as a child and got cancer.