3 for 1 Special

This blog is a little different. I had a few posts that were in drafts because I was just not feeling in the sharing mood or that these blogs were even worthy. It has been about 3 weeks since my last chemo and I have just felt lost. What is there to share now that would be worth reading? The exciting, life threatening adventure that was my life is now not as exciting to all you readers. My two posts that were just in drafts probably say the same thing just in different ways but I thought I would share it how it is in that moment. Feel free to read through those and at the end I will have an updated post. 



6/17/2014

I'm sitting in my car typing this on my phone on my California vacation. First because I'm bored and second I feel like it's been a while since I posted last. I have had a lot of emotions since finishing chemo. I just feel lost in life. What is my plan now? I know my last blog dabbled on the "what now" aspect of things but I'm still boggled by it. I have panic attacks thinking about getting back to the real world. Part of me thinks it's all a waste. Why should I move into my own place, pay bills, go back to work if I'm just gonna get cancer again. I know I just have to remain positive and take one day at a time. Which I am trying to. It's only been about a week since my last chemo but I just don't know what to do. 

I  am enjoying a small vacation in my hometown in California. My mother who has been my caretaker since January has been in Washington this whole time with me. She completed her journey and had to come home so I came with her. I've been out of the antelope valley for almost a year and I missed all my friends and I really missed the familiarity and routine of this place. But now that I am back.... Meh. I am so over this place. I'll visit because I have 24 years of history and family here but I don't see myself getting sucked back in by choice. I have outgrown the Antelope Valley and it's people. 

I'm ready to start over again in Washington. Let's try this time without cancer. Going back to work is nerve wrecking! My life will forever be doctors appointments now. What if my boss doesn't approve. I don't even know if I want to do my job anymore. Is it a good fit? Should I do something else? Something different? It's my life and I should enjoy what I'm doing. Time will tell. 

I hope I find a path soon. Right now I feel like I am just wandering around lost. I had a plan before all this cancer crap. I guess this is a time to start over and do what I want to. Cancer changes everything. I mean everything!!! 

6/24/2014
Here I am on a plane writing a blog. I feel like there is a lot I haven't discussed from the last few weeks. Time to update you all! As you are all aware from previous posts I was having some lung issues. I was scheduled for a bronchoscopy the day after my last chemo. I reported to the hospital bright and early. It was a quick outpatient procedure. I was sedated and all I really remember is coughing and the doctor shouting "she needs more sedation!" So that was fun. The medicine they used to numb my throat and nose was gross. I had to snort the medicine into my nose which was not fun so I only imagine tweekers not having much fun when snorting drugs, but I could be wrong.

I was prescribed a heavy dose of antibiotics, 6 grape sized pills a day. These were in case I had pneumonia. After one day of those I felt like I was hit by a train, I felt worse than after chemo. Needless to say I wasn't much help when it came to moving me into my new apartment. Luckily I have some swell family and friends that helped me speed move. 

I had a follow up appointment two days after my bronchoscopy and the doctor advised I didn't have pneumonia just a small generic infection which could be nothing so she dropped my antibiotics to two pills a day and guaranteed I wouldn't feel like a train hit me. I was also prescribed 40mg of Prednisone daily for at least 3 months. It turns out I indeed had lung damage from the Bleomycin. Steroids for a few months should fix that right up. In the mean time people have to deal with my roid rage. 

Other than all of that things to be going pretty well. I am two weeks out from my last chemo. This is my first week in almost 6 months I haven't needed chemo. My body is pretty excited. I enjoyed a splendid vacation in California and am now ready to get back to a "normal" life. I start work in about two weeks which is enough time for my immune system to work it's way back up. From here out it's check ups and scans and a final decision on whether I will need radiation or not. Fingers crossed that all the cancer is completely gone and I can just attempt to move on and get stronger and stronger. 

Side note, I am writing this on my phone on my flight home and there is a hottie passed out next to me. Pretty sure he's my soul mate. 

Anyways, these next few months will be a tough adjustment. I am going back to living by myself in a semi new place. My mother is back in California which is sad. But I have done this before I can do it again. Starting all over again! Let's put these last 6 months behind us and start fresh with a new an improved outlook on life! 



6/28/2014
So I recently had a follow up with my Pulmonologist and she said I am responding to the steroids really well so they are going to start weening me off of them over the next few months. So I am hoping that with a good scan in a few weeks I will be on the right track to being "normal" and "healthy." I am also looking forward to joining the gym again and get my body back to how it was before cancer. But my biggest dilemma is going to the gym with a bald head. I could wear a beanie but man will that be hot. I know I shouldn't care but I have done a few things without a hat and just rocked the bald (actually it's not that bald its more of a baby peach fuzz) and I get weird looks. People get concerned and I know they want to ask questions. I just feel really self conscious about my looks at the moment. I don't look like myself anymore. I have gained weight, lost my tone and muscle, lost my hair, lost my eyebrows, lost my eyelashes, lost my sense of self. I even feel like I have lost my sense of independence. I feel like I do not know how to take care of myself. I catch myself longing for someone to take care of me. I am like a lost puppy. 

I am also having a hard time adjusting back to the real world. I have looked into a therapist and am hoping to start that soon. It would be nice to talk to someone about getting back to real life after an event like cancer. It is harder than one would think to get back to how things were because the bottom line is things will never be the same. Ever. 

I have done some really exciting things the last few days which gave me moments of euphoria. I would stop and think to myself "this is what life is about, enjoying every moment and absorbing the little things." I went white water rafting and wasn't scared at all, in fact it was super exhilarating. Pre cancer Jessica probably would have skipped on that opportunity. I also went to a Mariners game here in Seattle. I have been to baseball games before but this one I just enjoyed and didn't give a fuck about anything. There was a firework show afterwards and it started raining. I just looked up and watched and tuned the rest of the world out. I couldn't help but just smile from ear to ear and be happy to be alive. Moments like that make me incredibly happy and thankful for everything. But those moments are followed fast by complete opposite feelings. Panic and anger and worry. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. No matter what happens I can handle it and get through it but most of the time its just a quick fix until the feelings become overwhelming and I shut down. 

M posts may start getting few and far between, as I stated before I feel like my life is no longer exciting. I am more than willing to share the after effects of cancer on a young adult but lets be real half of you only read this to probably get your daily dose of "well at least my life isn't as bad as hers." Or maybe you read it and think that I am a pansy ass chump and need to stop complaining. Oh well either way you are reading my blog so thats cool I guess. I wish I could say that life is great and I am just so happy, lucky, and blessed to be alive but most of the time I don't feel that way. Its a tough road after cancer. I can't be strong. I can't be a hero. But I can be honest and truthful.

Now What

My last chemo was today. I have been eagerly awaiting this day and yet it feels like any other chemo day. It doesn't feel like I am done. I still feel sick and I still will feel sick for a few days. Which puts me in my normal chemo sadness slump. Which makes me hate life and get depressed. On top of that I have been having panic attacks about starting up my life again. I am completely lost. I don't know how to be normal. I am so used to being sick and limited, that is my new normal. I think I forgot how to do my job. I was only doing it for three months before I went on leave to fight cancer. Hopefully it is like riding a bicycle and I can remember quickly. I will be moving into my own place on Friday. That is scary as well. I used to be a strong, independent girl but I have had to rely on so many people the last few months that I think I forgot how to be independent! Cancer has ruined my life in so many ways. I am so lost. What do I do now? I have gotten used to the cancer agenda that now I do not know what to do. Now what? I guess as time goes on and I feel better and my hair starts growing back I may get happier and start to realize once again that I was given a second chance. 

This whole cancer thing is not even close to being over. The last two weeks I have had a cough and shortness of breath. The B in my ABVD chemo cocktail is known to cause lung damage and that was the theory so they stopped giving it to me these last two chemos. But upon this new side effect they ran a Pulmonary Function Test to see how my lungs were doing and it showed that my lung functionality was lower than before. Today before chemo I had a chest Xray done to rule out anything else. Well instead of ruling anything out it added more possibilities to the table. I then had a CT done after chemo which also added things to the table. So due to all of this I am scheduled for a bronchoscopy tomorrow to get to the bottom of my lung issues. I am leaving for California on Saturday and my doctors want to make sure I am healthy enough to go. They will be knocking me out and sticking a camera down my throat or nose to look around and possibly take a biopsy. So it is either just damage from the B, pneumonia or another lung infection. Either way it all sucks.

This week was jam packed of things for me to do. Chemo, sick days, movie and dinner dates, packing for Cali and packing and moving to my new place. Now because of these added issues things had to be cancelled and rearranged. That adds stress on top of all this as well. I also either have a head cold or really really bad allergies which makes me feel like poop. So overall this last chemo has not been pleasant. I guess in 2 weeks when I would normally go to chemo and realize I don't have to go I might get a little excited. By then I should be feeling a lot better. All these side effects should disappear slowly and my hair should start growing back. I am a little bummed that I will have to start shaving again! Bummer. I am also bummed about having a period, well maybe. There is a chance it may ever come back. Eye lashes will be nice also, gluing them on is kinda hard and tedious. But I guess I would rather bleed from my vagina than have to do chemo again. 

This whole experience has been something else. I am grateful to be given another chance at life. But I am also scared of what is to come. Will the cancer come back tomorrow? In 6 months? In 10 years? Its just a watch and wait game from here on out. Talk about stressful. I will never have the same body I had before. I have gained roughly 10 pounds and lost almost all the muscle in my body. The fit soccer body I once had is now a doughy, shapeless physique. I do not look like myself at all. I have a lot of work to do and I plan on getting fit again. Its pathetic I know but I do not like what I see in the mirror. Cancer stole almost everything but my life from me, fuck you cancer. 

It is all done and I still find myself asking "WHY ME?" Why anybody, I know. But I thought I was thrown enough curve balls in my life. I thought I had it hard enough already. Now I have cancer on top of it all! Damn. Almost everyone I run into or talk to says "You are too young to have this." Uummm? Thanks? Cancer doesn't care how young you are, how healthy you are or even who you are. It fucking sucks. I can just hope that this really is a second chance and that I have another 50 or so years on this earth. I have dreams and hopes. But then you hear about all these freak accidents, shootings, and car accidents and it really makes you realize that life could be gone in a second. It is quite depressing. On the other hand it gives me a fuck it attitude. Fuck all the bull shit. I am just gonna do what I wanna do because life is not guaranteed. Just have a good fucking time!

Fucking cancer, fucking fuck fuckity FUCK! I think I won for now though. So thats good. I have a pet scan in about 6 weeks to confirm I am clear. So we will wait and see. In the mean time I will get back to the real world, I guess. 

LAST CHEMO

LAST RED DEVIL FOREVER 

Feel All The EMOTIONZ...

This is inspired by my other cancer warriors.

I have stated it before I am sure but I will state it again, having cancer is a damn roller coaster of emotions! Its up and down, left and right, flips, circles, backwards and every other which way. For me, it often comes in fast flashes of impending doom. A lot of the time it occurs while I am in the shower. Showers have a different meaning to me nowadays. Sure I use them to get clean but these days there isn't much to wash on my body so I found myself taking that time to think. The hot scolding water beating against my body is a therapeutic release when my body aches. But I also find myself getting lost in thoughts, getting lost in memories, getting lost in hope or just getting lost in emotions. While in the shower it is just me alone with calming music. There are no judgmental eyes looking for answers. There are no inquisitive eyes wondering how I am feeling. There are no pitiful looks of worry darting at me. And the only crying eyes are my own. 

I can just let my emotions flood out without being judged. Without friends and family feeling empathetic and joining in on the water works. Sometimes I just need to cry and get it out of my system. The thoughts of impending doom are flooding my eyes, my future slowly slips out of my grasp and I want to fall to my knees and weep till there is nothing left. When the Niagara Falls of tears has finished flooding my face I finally see things clearly again and the clouds begin to part. I am still here, still fighting. I have plans for the future and I once again get excited even if it is for a brief fleeting moment in time till the next down poor of emotions. 

There have been talks of PTSD after an experience like this. It is plausible and possible. Coming so close to death, shaking its hand saying nice to meet you I hope I don't have to see you again anytime soon. The stress and anxiety that hovers constantly over your day to day activities. Out of the corner of your eye you see the familiar face of death and in the moment of panic your heart skips a beat and a bead of sweat falls from your face. Suddenly you are nauseous and you feel Niagara Falls forming in your eyes. Not now, not while I am shopping for pie ingredients! The next day you are happy as can be looking forward to the future, enjoying time with friends. And once again for who knows how long, you are happy. 

I have high respect for all the warriors going through this. I have just started and already am overwhelmed. I can only imagine as the years go on and the longer you are healthy the scarier and more intense the roller coaster ride must be. I am lucky to have a great group of girls that will ride this roller coaster with me and hold my hand when it comes crashing down and I to hold theirs as well. We are in this together. 

Pulmonary Toxicity...

Here I am counting down the days to my last chemo. Yesterday I had my second to last chemo. These last few treatments seem to be taking forever. The days go by slower than a snail. For some reason I was dreading this last chemo. I don't know why but I was just getting extra anxious and had bad feelings about it. It was already pushed back an hour due to short staffing. Everyone was wishing me luck which never happens. I just felt off about it. Well sure enough it was an interesting chemo. 

At first my port, Portia, was giving us trouble. 30 minutes later and me laying back, leaning forward, putting my hands up and down, sticking my right leg in and out and shaking it all about, I turned around and did the hokey pokey and still nothing. They then tried to access it with a bigger needle had me lean forward and cough and BOOM we have access! They sent off my blood to get tested and make sure everything is still normal. After an hour they realize my blood got lost in transit, so I had to wait even longer. 

Well then they ask if I have anything new going on and I advised that I have had a cough for a few days. Only when I take deep breaths. This is pretty serious so they run some tests, listen to my lungs and make me walk around the hospital while breathing heavily and checking my oxygen levels. Everything seemed to be fine but they still felt it necessary to call the doctor that was on call yesterday. She seemed concerned and decided to come see me in the infusion ward. She does the same tests and asks me questions and then leaves to talk to my nurse. He comes back and states we are going to skip the Bleomycin, which is the B in my ABVD chemo cocktail. Turns out the Bleomycin can cause fatal lung damage. So they were taking my breathing issues very seriously. They scheduled me to get a Pulmonary Function Test before my last chemo to check if my lungs have been damaged. I just had a PFT test a month ago and my lungs were perfectly fine. The Bleomycin can cause damage over night. But because I am so close to being done that if I do need to skip the Bleomycin again it would not make a difference in my cancer treatment. 

As I am so close to the finish line I feel my body slowly giving out. Its pushing along and doing its best to keep me healthy but there is only so much a body can endure. But I am almost there and I plan on treating my body like the queen it is once I am all better. I am just so excited to almost be done. Chemo really does suck. It is not fun at all. This cancer has stripped me of everything that was once Jessica Kraft. I feel like a totally different person, mentally and physically. I just can't fully explain what this experience has done to me. I hope if anything I have changed for the better. 

"When you are through changing, you are through."

Side Effects...

I am going to take this time to describe what chemo has done to my body and how I feel most of the time these days. 

On a chemo day first things first is they access my port to draw some blood. So they stab me in the chest which is semi painful even with a numbing shot. They draw some blood and then flush my port with saline. Gross. I taste it and I want to vomit. I then have to wait about an hour for my blood tests to come back and say that I am healthy enough to get chemo. I never am healthy enough. My blood counts are extremely low everyday but my doctor says lets push forward anyways, so they do (because I am awesome.) 

Before chemo I get a cocktail of premeds to make chemo easier. The premeds are what make me sick. I get a nice dose of Benadryl that makes my eyes super heavy. Next is a dose of Zofran which is like an anxiety/anti-nausea med but I have a reaction to it in my throat. My throat gets really tight and feels like I have something stuck in it and it makes me what to vomit. That lasts about 20 minutes or so. Then I get a steroid, which, if they push it too fast will make my private areas burn. And most of the time.... they burn. EEK.

After all the premeds I am just a blob in a chair. I don't want to talk. I can't move my hands. I am a hot mess. Now it is time for the chemo. The chemo has no real effect on me while I am getting it. My first chemo "The Red Devil" makes my pee red for a few hours but no biggy. So after all my chemos I am good to go home. 

When I get home I eat everything in sight because it makes my throat feel better. Once I am twice my size I pass out for a few hours. Tuesday I wake up and feel pretty normal. Then Wednesday I wake up sick so I spend the day in bed or on the couch. I am nauseous and tired and my body is restless. I want to move around but my body just cant get comfortable. Thursday I wake up and feel almost normal. At this point all the bearable side effects kick in. My gums swell up and sometimes bleed. Which makes eating hurt but I love food so I just eat anyways. My body aches and hurts. A pat on the back and I will wince in pain. My scalp hurts and hair still falls out. How I am not shiny bald I don't know. I lose hair everyday. My fingers hurt. I am at the point I can barely button my pants without help or wanting to cry from pain. My skin is super dry and skin falls off the tips of my fingers. My finger nails are starting to look like zombie finger nails. My pinky toenail fell off yesterday. My pee smells like chemo everyday. The skin all over my body is blotchy and discolored. The veins around my port on my chest are very visible and pronounced making me look like some sort of super villain. I am very lethargic these days. I can barely go up stairs without heavy breathing. I have lost all my muscle and stamina. I have gained weight. My taste buds are messed up. Things taste weird. My throat hurts a lot. My nose constantly runs because I have no nose hairs. I have no hair anywhere on my body except my head, kinda. The no hair things is kinda nice, I don't know when the last time I shaved was. 

With all this though, I am still handling this very well. I don't vomit. I don't have bowel issues. I am still able to go out and about. I am not bed ridden. I am just glad I only have two more because I am definitely starting to notice the toll that is being taken on my body. I hope I can make a comeback after all of this. I will be hitting the gym hard once I am better. I am really looking forward to having nose hairs again so I don't have to walk around with a nose tampon sticking out of my nose. 

I just want to say that the next time you complain about having a cold or maybe even the flu I would stop and appreciate that you don't have to do chemo. Because it sucks and takes your life away. I will never complain about having a cold again. I will never complain about a lot of things ever again. I have found strength I didn't know I had and I appreciate everything I have learned. I am really grateful for all the new friends I have made throughout this process. This has been a life changing experience. 

Bricks have been lifted...

I am getting closer and closer to being done with this journey. I had my progress pet scan almost a month ago and the results were good. My doctor had advised me that it was almost all gone. Of course I was hoping to hear "You are cancer free," but that didn't quite happen. Nonetheless it was good news and I was happy. However another worry was thrust upon me and that was the idea of radiation after chemo. From what I knew that opened a whole new can of problems so my mind began to run wild. Well since my Oncologist wasn't comfortable answering those questions he referred me to the Radiologist that looked at my scans. 

That leads us to today. Today I had a consultation with the Radiologist. My mind was swarming with questions for the past month. I of course assumed the worst would happen if I did radiation. Such as secondary cancers, lung problems, heart problems among many other things. My major concern was breast cancer. I had done research on it and it looks worse than what I have already gone through. I figured it would be a for sure death sentence a few years after beating Hodgkin's. Today the radiologist put my fears to rest. First he stated that he is confident that after chemo the cancer will be completely gone. Which is GREAT! Then comes the tricky part, will radiation be beneficial for me if all the cancer is gone? He stated that there are studies that show yes and studies that show no. So he will be doing research and getting second and third opinions from him colleagues in the next month to see what I should do. He thinks that I may not need radiation. Which I hope because that would be one less thing to worry about, maybe. 

If I do need radiation then I am at high risk of getting breast cancer within the few years after radiation. He said that it will not be the end of my life though. They will watch me very closely so the first sign of breast cancer they can act on it and take care of it. So if worst comes to worse I end up boobless in a few years but hey, I will hopefully still be alive. Of course anything could still happen but I guess at this point I am more confident that I have a future. He is confident I could live another 60 years. I have been scared that my life is over. I have been having a hard time getting excited about the future thinking it will be consumed by cancer forever. But at this point I am happy that I can have a normal life soon! One day at a time I guess. 

My point that I was trying to get at was even though almost a month ago my Oncologist said I am almost cancer free it wasn't until today that I realized I really kicked cancers ass!! Five long, hard months that I would never wish on anybody and I came out alive. I still have two more chemo sessions to go but I GOT THIS! I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of me. I can breathe now. I feel like I can do anything I want to. I am ready to take the bull by the horns. I will have my health back in less than a month. I cannot wait. You have no idea. 

On another note. I just want to say that I am not sorry if you are offended by my new fundraiser shirts. They say FUCK CANCER. And? FUCK CANCER! You are only offended because you have not been there. If you fight and win you too will say FUCK CANCER and be proud of it. I appreciate all those who are supporting me. I am excited I kicked its ass. Cancer is a mother fucker. 

In case you want to get a cool shirt click below! 
TEAM KRAFT T SHIRT FUNDRAISER


“Don't fear death, fear the un-lived life"
~Tuck Everlasting

Que Sera, Sera Motherfuckers...

I am counting down till I am done with chemotherapy. Only three more to go! They cannot come fast enough. Monday will be my 10th chemo! Double digits! I am in the preteens of chemo! Two chemos till my big Purple Party celebrating me kicking cancers ass. It will be the party of the year! We are even planning on playing pin the radiation on the tumors. Yup! Be jealous. This cancer journey is slowly coming to an end and I cannot wait!

On another note I have been researching radiation and getting doubts about it. There are so many possible side effects later on down the road. Such as secondary cancers, heart problems, lung problems or other misc. issues. All of that or the possible chance of getting Hodgkin's again.....? Hmm? There is also the chance that I am perfectly fine after all of it, I just don't know. I will have to weigh the options with my doctor again. I wish I only had to worry about what color to get my toe nails painted and not what medical treatment will kill me slower. I wish I only had to complain about going to work on Monday and not chemo. But alas my life is not so simple.

On a brighter note I have put a deposit on an apartment and will be getting my own place again in about a month! And I will be going back to work in about two months! So I am thinking that my life should be back to almost normal about September. Which will be a year since I moved here. Man how time freaking flies. Maybe I will meet a boy too!!! HaHaHa... HAHA. Just kidding. I have accepted that I will be alone with my cats. And that is okay. I will enjoy life just how it is!

I am really excited to get my own place again though. That is what I look forward to most. Ever since I have gotten cancer, well every since I have moved out here to Washington, I have felt like I down graded my life. That I, somehow, became less successful and independent. Temporarily,  cancer has ruined my life. Actually I guess it just gave me a speed bump. I plan on getting my life back plus some. I wont sweat the small stuff anymore.

Also I found a sticker in Seattle that says. "Que Sera, Sera Motherfuckers." So that's cool.