Well I shall be starting Radiation therapy tomorrow. For the first few days I will need to go during my lunch break at work which will be a hassle but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I will be doing radiation for 15 days straight, finishing right before my trip to California. Word is that towards the end is when the side effects kick in, so I will be attending my cousins wedding with burnt skin, sore throat and I will be lethargic, so yay. BUT at least its not chemo!!! I guess this is the next chapter and hopefully the final Cancer related chapter. I had a two month vacation from all the cancer drama and treatments but now I am just ready to be done! Hopefully this gets rid of the remaining "cancer" in my chest. I am hoping that by the new year I can start fresh and healthy and put all of this behind me. I am ready to be the healthy, athletic fit Jessica that I was almost two years ago. My goal is to be soccer ready by the new year but who knows how that will go. I was going to the gym but since my car was broken into a few days ago, in the gym parking lot, I don't want to go back. I feel like I kind of have PTSD with getting robbed at the gym.
What are the odds that my car would get broken into again at the gym but who would of guessed I would of gotten robbed in the first place? I just don't feel safe at the gym. I actually don't feel that safe in general now. I keep checking my windows to see if they are all there. When I am driving I panic and look back thinking someone is gonna knock my window out. Its weird. Now I have one non tinted window and it also freaks me out because its so bright I feel like its still broken. It makes me sad that someone would rob me. I was wearing my Fight Like a Crazy Cat Lady shirt to the gym that day. I have a feeling the robbers were watching me the whole time which means they saw my shirt and short hair. BUT hooligans and criminals don't give a fuck about anything so of course when they see a girl that just beat cancer they aren't gonna say "oh she was sick lets feel bad for her and not rob her because she has been through enough in her life." HAHA. But still it pisses me off there are people like that in the world that just don't give a fuck and their career is robbing people of their hard earned money. Oh and the cops didn't care. "File a police report online when you get time kay thanks bye," is what I was told when I called the police. Oh and the gym manger said "This happens once a week, sorry." What. The. Fuck. I hate this world.
All of these events just made me super depressed. It just seems there is nothing worth living for these days. The world is a horrible place filled with mostly horrible people.The last 12 months have been the worst, first I tore my ACL and had knee surgery, then got laid off, then got diagnosed with cancer, then got robbed. And that's just the big stuff. My cats need me, that is the only thing that gets me through my days which seems a little depressing. 2015 better bring merry tidings and some silver linings. Its so hard to stay positive and happy and look on the bright side of things when everything just seems so dark all the time. Uhg.
All of these life changing events have also made me realize that I really do want a new career. I need a job that better fits me and my needs. I want to enjoy life, not spend most of my time stressing out and working all hours of the day. I deserve a job with a set schedule. I deserve a job that makes me happy. I deserve to be happy at some point!!!! Everyone deserves to be happy. For a while I have felt indebted to my job for taking care of me while I was going through treatment but why? Its just a job a job and I worked with them for 5 years so they better take care of me when I am in need. I have also felt that I am stuck in my job due to my health. I need health insurance at all times now and starting a new career could put a lapse in coverage. Employers don't hire sick people. Don't tell me "They can't discriminate because of that!" They can't but that doesn't mean they wont. This world is horrible and if they found out I had cancer they would rather hire someone who is healthy and reliable and they would just tell me they found someone more "qualified." That is the world we live in. But I am smart and a great worker so anybody would be lucky to have me. Fingers crossed that I can find something that makes me happy.
Other than all that shit life is great. That was sarcasm. This shits tough. Life is tough. But I didn't beat cancer to just give up on life. I will keep trucking along and hope for the best.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Cancer Groupies
December of 2013 I was told I have cancer. Twenty Four year old Jessica had cancer. December 25th 2013 I told the world I had cancer. On Christmas? You ask. Yes I told the world on Christmas that I had cancer, oh how selfish of me to ruin every ones day with that news. Actually I didn't ruin anybodies day. Those that mattered had known what I was dealing with for weeks. And my Christmas was spent home alone fasting because on December 26th I had my first pet scan. My day was spent writing blogs and lost in a world I would become all to familiar with over the next few months. So yes I posted on all my social media accounts the link to this blog. If people cared they could read it and see what I was going through otherwise they could keep scrolling past and go on with their lives. I did receive likes and comments and condolences and blah blah blah all that nonsense that comes along with telling the world you are dying. Everyone wants to be apart of something. Correction: Everyone wants to be apart of someones misery. Whether it be so they can be grateful its not happening to them, or so they can say they know someone with cancer, or just for their own morbid satisfaction.
This experience has taught me so much. Mostly it taught me that people suck. And that is okay. Why? Its okay because now I know who my true friends are and who I can count on in the future. Don't get me wrong I have been shown some real compassion during this and I am grateful but I have also seen the downside. I have learned who just wanted to be a part of something bigger than them. I learned that in the beginning everyone wants to be your friend and help in any way they can but as soon as the excitement dies down they could not care any less. As the months dragged on and I pushed through treatments my so called "support team" dwindled to a handful of people. I understand that it must of been so hard to deal with MY cancer. It must of been so hard to see ME get so sick. It must of pained you to see ME in such agony. Or was it because I didn't get deathly ill. Because I wasn't stuck in a hospital bed. Because according to you I wasn't dying so it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe it's because I was dying and you couldn't deal with the thought. Either way I understand and I forgive you. With or without you I am alive and still fighting. I am fighting a battle you know nothing about. I may share what I am feeling and going through on this blog but until you have been in my head and walked in my shoes and been in this situation you have no idea. Because if you did you would realize that this battle is far from over. Just because I am no longer doing chemo doesn't mean I have won this war. It means I have survived one battle and that battle was chemotherapy. I got my scars and wounds but I survived so far. The next battle is yet to come, that may include radiation or the watch and wait scenario. I hope to win those battles as well and eventually be declared the winner of this war over my body.
I will forever be haunted by cancer. It is forever a part of my life now. For you my cancer story is over so you don't care but for me its just begun. And do not ask me "When did you beat cancer?" Because I have not beat cancer it is not that simple for most. I may never hear the words that I am cancer free. I understand you are naive and have no idea what you are saying but just don't say it, kay thanks. Also if I hear one more person tell me I am so strong I may have to slap a baby in the face. I did what I had to to survive, I did not have a choice. I am just one unlucky fool that stood too close to the microwave as a child and got cancer.
This experience has taught me so much. Mostly it taught me that people suck. And that is okay. Why? Its okay because now I know who my true friends are and who I can count on in the future. Don't get me wrong I have been shown some real compassion during this and I am grateful but I have also seen the downside. I have learned who just wanted to be a part of something bigger than them. I learned that in the beginning everyone wants to be your friend and help in any way they can but as soon as the excitement dies down they could not care any less. As the months dragged on and I pushed through treatments my so called "support team" dwindled to a handful of people. I understand that it must of been so hard to deal with MY cancer. It must of been so hard to see ME get so sick. It must of pained you to see ME in such agony. Or was it because I didn't get deathly ill. Because I wasn't stuck in a hospital bed. Because according to you I wasn't dying so it wasn't that big of a deal. Or maybe it's because I was dying and you couldn't deal with the thought. Either way I understand and I forgive you. With or without you I am alive and still fighting. I am fighting a battle you know nothing about. I may share what I am feeling and going through on this blog but until you have been in my head and walked in my shoes and been in this situation you have no idea. Because if you did you would realize that this battle is far from over. Just because I am no longer doing chemo doesn't mean I have won this war. It means I have survived one battle and that battle was chemotherapy. I got my scars and wounds but I survived so far. The next battle is yet to come, that may include radiation or the watch and wait scenario. I hope to win those battles as well and eventually be declared the winner of this war over my body.
I will forever be haunted by cancer. It is forever a part of my life now. For you my cancer story is over so you don't care but for me its just begun. And do not ask me "When did you beat cancer?" Because I have not beat cancer it is not that simple for most. I may never hear the words that I am cancer free. I understand you are naive and have no idea what you are saying but just don't say it, kay thanks. Also if I hear one more person tell me I am so strong I may have to slap a baby in the face. I did what I had to to survive, I did not have a choice. I am just one unlucky fool that stood too close to the microwave as a child and got cancer.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Radioactive
Well I received a call from the radiologist that was looking at my last scan and he seems to think it would be a good idea to do radiation rather than wait. I have an appointment with him in about two weeks so he can plead his case. I was set on waiting and watching for a few months. In the end it is up to me but I don't want to be responsible for that decision. I would rather believe the doctors are looking out for my best interest, which you can never be too sure. I have been in what seems like good hands up till this point. It's just depressing, I was hoping that I would have a clear scan and be done with this but I guess my battle isn't quite over yet. This will just be another chapter in the book of Kraft.
My work hours are 9:30-7:30 most days which will mean I will have to be at radiation at about 8 or 8:30 every morning to do radiation. The last plan I had talked about was to do radiation daily for 18 days. The word on the street is that radiation is much easier than chemo but still has its side effects and down sides. I have read that it really packs a punch towards the end. Your body gets weak and really tired. Which if that is the case will suck when working such long work hours. But I am awesome and will do it all because well I am an adult and don't have any other choice.
On the bright side I feel great. I am having a semi successful week at my new branch. I still have anxiety and worry about every little thing but that's probably just normal and not cancer related but I feel like I can blame everything on cancer these days. I am tired, cancer. My feet hurt, cancer. My car ran out of gas, cancer. My cat scratched my hand, cancer. Its legit. You should try it sometime. Nah just kidding. My hair is still growing in nicely which is nice. That was redundant, my apologies.
I still feel like something is missing in my life. It just feels off. I can't really put my finger on it but I don't like it. I guess I will still just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. After all, I had cancer, how much worse could it get?
P.S. World, don't take that as a challenge!
My work hours are 9:30-7:30 most days which will mean I will have to be at radiation at about 8 or 8:30 every morning to do radiation. The last plan I had talked about was to do radiation daily for 18 days. The word on the street is that radiation is much easier than chemo but still has its side effects and down sides. I have read that it really packs a punch towards the end. Your body gets weak and really tired. Which if that is the case will suck when working such long work hours. But I am awesome and will do it all because well I am an adult and don't have any other choice.
On the bright side I feel great. I am having a semi successful week at my new branch. I still have anxiety and worry about every little thing but that's probably just normal and not cancer related but I feel like I can blame everything on cancer these days. I am tired, cancer. My feet hurt, cancer. My car ran out of gas, cancer. My cat scratched my hand, cancer. Its legit. You should try it sometime. Nah just kidding. My hair is still growing in nicely which is nice. That was redundant, my apologies.
I still feel like something is missing in my life. It just feels off. I can't really put my finger on it but I don't like it. I guess I will still just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. After all, I had cancer, how much worse could it get?
P.S. World, don't take that as a challenge!
Monday, July 28, 2014
To Limbo or not to Limbo....
Today was the day I had been waiting for since I finished chemo nearly 2 months ago. I had my follow up appointment to get my pet scan results. Actually let me take us back to last Thursday..... I get off work and am heading to meet friends for dinner when I answer my voice mail and there in my inbox is a call from my doctor. Oh no. The dreaded call before the appointment means its something that can't wait. Uhg my heart sank and a tear fell from my eye because I knew it wouldn't be good news. Sure enough my doctor had advised that the spot we had been worried about was still there. To make it worse he advised he would be out of the office all weekend. So I was left to interpret this voice mail however my mind wanted. Deep down I think I knew I wasn't done just yet. I had been in a limbo for almost two months without closure, without any for sure sign this was over. I then went the weekend mulling over what my next step would be. Radiation or no radiation? More chemo? Just wait and see? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN??
Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.
On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.
Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!
Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!
Well this morning I got my answers, kinda. We went with the wait and see route. At this point this spot is shrinking which is good. I wish chemo would of completely eradicated the spot but I guess we can't all get what we want. We are hoping that this spot is just taking its sweet time to disappear. If in 3 months when I get another scan it has grown then at that point I will do radiation to ZAP it out of here for good! So for the next three months I guess I will remain in limbo. I am done with treatment for cancer but I am not cured of cancer. It really grinds my gears when I see people say that they are CANCER FREE! First of all good for them for beating it but it makes me jealous, I guess you could say, that 7 months into this battle I am no where close to hearing those words. I may never hear those words. My doctor has told me he does not say those words very often because even if you have no evidence of disease doesn't mean you are in the clear. So at this point I guess one could say I am living with cancer I am not dying of cancer.
On another note I also had a follow up regarding my lung damage from the chemo. My lungs show improvement as well but they are still damaged and may even have permanent scar tissue. I will most likely be on Prednisone for the remainder of the year. This whole cancer thing is taking forever. 7 months in and still fighting. Hopefully I will be able to ring in 2015 with good health and put this year behind me. Until then I guess I will just enjoy what I can and be happy that I feel well.
Tomorrow I start at my new branch. Hopefully that is the start of better things to come. I am trying to settle into real life and get a routine going. One thing at a time I guess. My hair is coming in nicely. At this point it looks like I cut my hair short on purpose and I actually get a lot of compliments. I am getting used to it but I still feel like a lesbian and unattractive. My self confidence has definitely taken a plunge. And also I am ridiculously tired. I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on sleep in a while. I feel it taking its toll on my body now. I have a long work week ahead of me, I hope I can make it. I feel like work is like 12 hours each day. I wake up go and come home and sleep. No time for anything or anyone else. It saddens me to think that this is what my life will be like. I want to enjoy what time I have left and if all I do is sleep and work, well that's just depressing. I will do my best to make sure that is not how my life turns out!
Well like I said before I am TIRED. So good night!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
I don't know what to title this...
I feel like it has been a while since I posted anything. I know you devoted readers are probably shaking in anticipation. Its okay you can relax here we go! I have been super busy since I have been back to work. A lot of my days are about 9 or 10 hours at work and I am beat afterwards. I am glad to be back as it distracts me from everything else but being back at work has its own worries. I believe in my last post I stated how I was a floater and trying to find a permanent branch to work in, well I now have a permanent spot. I was offered my role at an in store branch about 20-30 minutes from my house depending on traffic. I am looking forward to it as it is really small which will give me the opportunity to learn a lot and quickly. I was also told I will be trained and molded so I can work my way up the corporate ladder, there are plans in the making, I won't go into much detail on that right now. My last day at my old branch is Friday and I already have people saying they are sad to see me go. I just met most of these people two weeks ago and already they will miss me, it makes me feel appreciated. I still get anxious and worried about going to work. I expect too much from myself. I expect to know everything and be a pro immediately and I feel that because I am not my boss will want to fire me. That doesn't make any sense does it? I am doing a great job for how long I have been back and I continue to get better but yet my mind likes to tell me that I suck and can't do my job correctly. Its a hot mess in my mind.
Well today I had my follow up petscan. This was my first scan since I completed chemo. It has been about 6 weeks since I finished chemo and this whole time I have acted like I won. Did I celebrate too soon? Did I jinx it? Everyone keeps saying I beat it but in reality I just finished chemotherapy. I have not been told I am cured, or that there is no evidence of disease, or that I beat it, or that I even won. I have been sitting in limbo for 6 weeks. For all I know this was just a mini chemotherapy vacation and I will have to start up again or do an even harsher treatment. I get my results on Monday so we will see. Fun fact next Monday I have 4 doctors appointments! Yes maybe even 5 still waiting to here from one. But damn I bet you have never had that many doctors appointments in one day, so I win.
Today as I was sitting in the lonely radioactive room waiting for my radioactive juice to go through my body before my scan I just got really depressed. My short hair makes me look like a boy. My eye lashes are not coming back and I am worried they may never come back. My eyebrows are growing in black and bushy like Eugene Levy eyebrows! I miss my long hair a lot. I just do not look like myself anymore, its like I am a new person. Well I guess I am a new person. My old body tried to kill me so I guess I am glad that bitch is gone and now the new lesbian looking me is here to save the day! I guess its never good to reminisce and look at old pictures when you are sad because that will just make it worse. Oh well, too late, did it.
I feel like something is missing in my life. I don't know what it is, I feel like I have everything I need or want at the moment. I have my job, my health, friends, my own place, my cats.... Maybe it is just me being in limbo not knowing if I really beat cancer yet. I will always be in limbo though, between every scan I will be wondering if the cancer is back and that's no way to live. I guess it will just take time to accept that this is my life now and I cant spend all my time worrying about the what ifs. Is that what is missing though? Me knowing if I am cured or not? Time will tell.
I thought I had more to say because today was a rough day but I just can't get anything else out. Maybe after the slew of doctors appointments and follow ups I have next week I will have something more exciting to say. Maybe good news even. Till then folks....
Friday, July 11, 2014
The Real World is Real...
Well I have officially completed my first full week back at work since completing chemo. I was anxious and nervous and, well, I still am but I guess the week went pretty well. I am tired and my feet hurt from wearing heels all day but I guess its not too bad. A few people suggested I start off part time till I adjust and see how I handle it. First, that wasn't an option for me. Second, I would have to be full time at some point might as well jump into it full speed.
I returned to my branch that I started at when I first moved to Washington to fill in till I find a permanent home as I have been replaced. I am still considered new and in training because I didn't get to complete that all before I had to go on my leave. Of course in my mind they replaced me for someone who is experienced versus a sick girl that doesn't know crap. But my therapist says thats probably not true they just had to fill the position. Sure sure. So because I don't remember anything from my few months I am just doing any busy work they can throw my direction. I am okay with that because it actually is helping me learn and it gets me off my feet sometimes. (I would like to mention I had cancer longer than I was in my new position.) But I would also like to refresh and get back into doing my duties so I don't feel completely incompetent. Its bad enough I get looked at as the sick girl with cancer but now I feel like I get looked at as the sick girl who can't do her job. Again my therapist says thats probably not what they are saying. BUT we all know how people are so theres a chance some of them are thinking that.
Throughout the week I felt pretty good about getting back into the real world and working again. It helped me keep my mind off of everything else which is a nice change. My cancer thoughts definitely decreased about 75 percent. Now my thoughts focus on how much I suck at my job and how much I have to catch up on. It isn't fun feeling incompetent and looking pathetic at the same time. I had a customer ask if I was a cancer survivor and then if I had kids and when I said I don't have kids she responded with "Well thats good." Because I'll die soon and not leave a helpless child behind, thanks. I also had a man tell me I had fat, black man fingers. I know the chemo turned my hands darker and I gained weight but I didn't think they were burnt sausages! I was also asked if I just came back from maternity leave. So either I look like I gave birth or thats the only reason she thought people go on leaves from work.
Up until today I was positive and happy about getting back into the real world but today it hit me that the real world is REAL! Its happening. I have responsibilities again. I have to set my alarm everyday. I have to pay rent. I have to work 10 hour days. I have to work Saturdays. I have to face people with my bald head and no eyebrows everyday. I have to deal with looks and comments. I am waiting for that one snobby lady to come into my branch and say that I look like some hooligan with my bald head and shouldn't have a job in a bank. Thats when I will show her all my tattoos and piercings and shout TIMES HAVE CHANGED OLD WOMAN AND I BEAT CANCER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh if only I could say that. That probably won't happen but like I said before we all know how people are so theres a chance it will happen.
Also I joined another dating site. YUP. I posted a picture of me looking smoking hot with my bald head just so I don't have to be like oh btw I'm bald and beat cancer have a nice life. I am surprised by how many people like the look. Not surprised by how many people don't like the look. One guy even said a requirement was to have hair. Once again it was fun to look and see whats out there but I keep coming back to the fact that online dating isn't for me. Its something to do while I am on the toilet I guess but other than that I know I wont meet prince charming on a dating site, especially a free one. I am still holding out for that romantic, spontaneous moment while I am out doing something exciting. But how can that happen when I work all the time and have follow up appointments in my spare time? Oh well at least I come home to two cats that crave my attention.
After all of this I did have a bit of a break down today. Everything is just coming full circle and I feel a little defeated and incapable of living in the real world again. It was kind of easier having cancer and only having to worry about if I will live to see the next day. Now I gotta worry about paying bills, if I will get fired, did that guy on the dating site not write me back because I am bald, what if the cancer comes back, when will I get to sleep in, did I lock my door before I left, will I die alone, when will I do laundry, have I walked around with a smeared eyebrow all day, I hope nobody can tell my pants can't button. Yikes!!! Well thats what my week as felt like and it can only get better..... right???
I returned to my branch that I started at when I first moved to Washington to fill in till I find a permanent home as I have been replaced. I am still considered new and in training because I didn't get to complete that all before I had to go on my leave. Of course in my mind they replaced me for someone who is experienced versus a sick girl that doesn't know crap. But my therapist says thats probably not true they just had to fill the position. Sure sure. So because I don't remember anything from my few months I am just doing any busy work they can throw my direction. I am okay with that because it actually is helping me learn and it gets me off my feet sometimes. (I would like to mention I had cancer longer than I was in my new position.) But I would also like to refresh and get back into doing my duties so I don't feel completely incompetent. Its bad enough I get looked at as the sick girl with cancer but now I feel like I get looked at as the sick girl who can't do her job. Again my therapist says thats probably not what they are saying. BUT we all know how people are so theres a chance some of them are thinking that.
Throughout the week I felt pretty good about getting back into the real world and working again. It helped me keep my mind off of everything else which is a nice change. My cancer thoughts definitely decreased about 75 percent. Now my thoughts focus on how much I suck at my job and how much I have to catch up on. It isn't fun feeling incompetent and looking pathetic at the same time. I had a customer ask if I was a cancer survivor and then if I had kids and when I said I don't have kids she responded with "Well thats good." Because I'll die soon and not leave a helpless child behind, thanks. I also had a man tell me I had fat, black man fingers. I know the chemo turned my hands darker and I gained weight but I didn't think they were burnt sausages! I was also asked if I just came back from maternity leave. So either I look like I gave birth or thats the only reason she thought people go on leaves from work.
Up until today I was positive and happy about getting back into the real world but today it hit me that the real world is REAL! Its happening. I have responsibilities again. I have to set my alarm everyday. I have to pay rent. I have to work 10 hour days. I have to work Saturdays. I have to face people with my bald head and no eyebrows everyday. I have to deal with looks and comments. I am waiting for that one snobby lady to come into my branch and say that I look like some hooligan with my bald head and shouldn't have a job in a bank. Thats when I will show her all my tattoos and piercings and shout TIMES HAVE CHANGED OLD WOMAN AND I BEAT CANCER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh if only I could say that. That probably won't happen but like I said before we all know how people are so theres a chance it will happen.
Also I joined another dating site. YUP. I posted a picture of me looking smoking hot with my bald head just so I don't have to be like oh btw I'm bald and beat cancer have a nice life. I am surprised by how many people like the look. Not surprised by how many people don't like the look. One guy even said a requirement was to have hair. Once again it was fun to look and see whats out there but I keep coming back to the fact that online dating isn't for me. Its something to do while I am on the toilet I guess but other than that I know I wont meet prince charming on a dating site, especially a free one. I am still holding out for that romantic, spontaneous moment while I am out doing something exciting. But how can that happen when I work all the time and have follow up appointments in my spare time? Oh well at least I come home to two cats that crave my attention.
After all of this I did have a bit of a break down today. Everything is just coming full circle and I feel a little defeated and incapable of living in the real world again. It was kind of easier having cancer and only having to worry about if I will live to see the next day. Now I gotta worry about paying bills, if I will get fired, did that guy on the dating site not write me back because I am bald, what if the cancer comes back, when will I get to sleep in, did I lock my door before I left, will I die alone, when will I do laundry, have I walked around with a smeared eyebrow all day, I hope nobody can tell my pants can't button. Yikes!!! Well thats what my week as felt like and it can only get better..... right???
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Anxiety about real life...
Tomorrow I go back to work after being on a 6 month sabbatical. I have been counting down the days in angst. Part of me is excited to get back to real life and part of me feels like I am not ready. I miss working and I miss having a purpose in the world. But am I ready? Can I do it? Probably, because I am awesome. It will be like riding a bike and just gotta refresh my mind and pick back up where I left off! But why is it so scary? I was only doing my new job for 3 months before I had to go on leave. I was just learning and catching on in the first place. So to go back its like I am starting new all over again. The stress! The worry! But alas it wont be as bad as having cancer so I should be able to handle it. It is just a job and not the end of the world.
Having to set my alarm and pick out an outfit for tomorrow kind of feels like the last 6 months didn't even happen. Was I really sick and in the hospital every other week? Oh of course I was because I have no hair. Silly me! I am dreading having to wear a head scarf to work. I refuse to wear a wig because I feel like its obviously a wig and not my hair and people will talk and whisper and wonder why I would be wearing a wig. So if I wear a headscarf its just obvious somethings wrong and I have no hair. As soon as my hair looks semi normal I will probably just rock the buzz cut. Hopefully the bank is okay with it.
On a side note I joined a dating site because everyone and their mom has done a dating site and has seemed to have "success." And by success I mean they found someone, not necessarily a good someone but enough for them. Anyways I uploaded a picture of me with my bald head and just left it at that. As I figured would happen about 95% of the men that messaged me asked why I had a buzz cut. Some replied with oh I thought it was due to cancer but didn't want to assume. It seems a girl cant have a shaved head without being sick or being famous. But I was quite surprised at how many men think a bald head is attractive. It did give me a little bit of a confidence boost. But I also realized that once again I would much rather meet someone walking down the street. Online dating is the way things are done these days though.
Back to going back to work. I feel like it might be a time for a change. I realize that banking is not where I want to be. The hours and the schedule just do not fit into my post cancer life plan. I want time to be able to do things. Banking hours does not allow for that. I know that a job is hard to come by these days so I am in no way being picky. But I do think we all have the choice to find something that makes us happy and content with our lives. I will take it one day at a time though and see what opportunities present themselves. Having cancer has opened my eyes to a lot. And I just want to say that you too should do what makes you happy. We only get one life and you do not know how long you have so you should do what makes you happy. Its just not worth it to not be happy.
I probably wont sleep at all tonight because of all the anxiety for tomorrow. I no longer get to sleep in. I no longer get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I was pretty spoiled the last 6 months. Yeah sure I had cancer, was sick, weak, tired, immune compromised but I got to sleep a lot and didn't have to work. That's all most people ask for. I should be happy that I am healthy and able to get back to real life but I feel off. I guess we will see how tomorrow goes. There will probably be a blog on it so just a heads up. I guess I will just lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Yikes.
Having to set my alarm and pick out an outfit for tomorrow kind of feels like the last 6 months didn't even happen. Was I really sick and in the hospital every other week? Oh of course I was because I have no hair. Silly me! I am dreading having to wear a head scarf to work. I refuse to wear a wig because I feel like its obviously a wig and not my hair and people will talk and whisper and wonder why I would be wearing a wig. So if I wear a headscarf its just obvious somethings wrong and I have no hair. As soon as my hair looks semi normal I will probably just rock the buzz cut. Hopefully the bank is okay with it.
On a side note I joined a dating site because everyone and their mom has done a dating site and has seemed to have "success." And by success I mean they found someone, not necessarily a good someone but enough for them. Anyways I uploaded a picture of me with my bald head and just left it at that. As I figured would happen about 95% of the men that messaged me asked why I had a buzz cut. Some replied with oh I thought it was due to cancer but didn't want to assume. It seems a girl cant have a shaved head without being sick or being famous. But I was quite surprised at how many men think a bald head is attractive. It did give me a little bit of a confidence boost. But I also realized that once again I would much rather meet someone walking down the street. Online dating is the way things are done these days though.
Back to going back to work. I feel like it might be a time for a change. I realize that banking is not where I want to be. The hours and the schedule just do not fit into my post cancer life plan. I want time to be able to do things. Banking hours does not allow for that. I know that a job is hard to come by these days so I am in no way being picky. But I do think we all have the choice to find something that makes us happy and content with our lives. I will take it one day at a time though and see what opportunities present themselves. Having cancer has opened my eyes to a lot. And I just want to say that you too should do what makes you happy. We only get one life and you do not know how long you have so you should do what makes you happy. Its just not worth it to not be happy.
I probably wont sleep at all tonight because of all the anxiety for tomorrow. I no longer get to sleep in. I no longer get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I was pretty spoiled the last 6 months. Yeah sure I had cancer, was sick, weak, tired, immune compromised but I got to sleep a lot and didn't have to work. That's all most people ask for. I should be happy that I am healthy and able to get back to real life but I feel off. I guess we will see how tomorrow goes. There will probably be a blog on it so just a heads up. I guess I will just lay in bed hoping to fall asleep before my alarm goes off tomorrow morning. Yikes.
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