Hello Skids!!
I know it has been a while since I have posted anything but I will back in full force. I have a new computer thats ready to handle everything I can dish out! And boy oh boy do I have a lot of new things to share!
So Stay Tuned!!!
Friday, October 23, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Chemoversary... What is it good for?
A year has gone by since my last ABVD treatment. Correction, my last AVD treatment, since the Bleomycin was cut out of the regimen after it tried to kill me. Ahh yes good times. Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. Friday was National Doughnut Day and when I had made a comment that I didn't know that was a thing, a coworker responded with "Who the heck doesn't know about doughnut day!" I bet a bear claw that she wasn't aware that today was National Cancer Survivors day. Who the heck doesn't know what Cancer is?
Anyways back to me! I remember hearing about people celebrating their chemoversaries and another year cancer free and I couldn't wait for that to be me. And now here we are a year later and I am ready to say its my Chemoversary! I did it. I survived a year, I am a survivor. And it falls so close to National Cancer Survivors Day. I planned that. I said hey cancer be gone on this day because it'll be kinda cool that the days are so close and people will be like oh man thats neat.... Just like how I told my Father to have the last name of Kraft so I could forever be asked "Are you related to the cheese company bruh?" Jokes.
So I was unknowingly chosen to be the face of Young Adult Cancer Survivors and Stupid Cancer for National Cancer Survivors day. Kinda cool scrolling through social media and see myself flipping the bird, saying to myself "I was wondering what happened to that picture!" Reading through the comments of that post made me feel honored I could be a part of such a great movement. We are one community and we flip the bird to cancer together!
The past 18 months I have learned and grown so much. I had my ups and downs and still do. From being diagnosed and spiraling down to healing and climbing back up. The journey isn't over and I can sense some people don't get that. My pity groupies have all since vanished. "Nobody cares unless you're Pretty or Dying." Those strangers that came out of the wood works to "help" me have gone back into hiding. The homies from grade schools days that reached out to be a part of something bigger have since gone back to being another Facebook acquaintance. Cancer helps you weed out the useless people in your life. And makes room for those who deserve your time. A lot of space opened up in my life and has since been filled with lifers!
As much as I want to sit here and say life is rainbows and sunshine, it's still not. Don't get me wrong, I and living life to the fullest when I can and am very grateful I am still here. But some days I just feel like I lost a part of me with the cancer. I just do not feel the same, it makes me feel like I am living with a stranger. Who is this person with short hair and scars everywhere. She looks nothing like me and her temperament is all over the place. And this makes me feel guilty. I survived cancer I should be happy every minute of everyday...but I'm not. Is something wrong with me? Here I am a year after chemotherapy and I am still conflicted over my cancer. So there it is, even after treatment, its not over. But then I also get those days where I say "I beat cancer, I can do this!" Ah I get it, I am bipolar. Figured it out. Done. We can move on now.
My chemoversary reminds me that life keeps going whether you want it to or not. I had a 6 month hiatus but the world kept spinning and bills still had to get paid and people still had to work. My chemoversary reminds me that for 6 months I was dancing with death and only got my toes stepped on, like, twice. My chemoversary reminds me that my mother took 6 months out of her life to care for me. My chemoversary reminds me that I am now apart of an exclusive club with some bad ass members! My chemoversary reminds me of all the times I cried in the shower thinking I was going to die alone. My chemoversary reminds me that things change. And that things get better. Thats what its good for.
Anyways back to me! I remember hearing about people celebrating their chemoversaries and another year cancer free and I couldn't wait for that to be me. And now here we are a year later and I am ready to say its my Chemoversary! I did it. I survived a year, I am a survivor. And it falls so close to National Cancer Survivors Day. I planned that. I said hey cancer be gone on this day because it'll be kinda cool that the days are so close and people will be like oh man thats neat.... Just like how I told my Father to have the last name of Kraft so I could forever be asked "Are you related to the cheese company bruh?" Jokes.
So I was unknowingly chosen to be the face of Young Adult Cancer Survivors and Stupid Cancer for National Cancer Survivors day. Kinda cool scrolling through social media and see myself flipping the bird, saying to myself "I was wondering what happened to that picture!" Reading through the comments of that post made me feel honored I could be a part of such a great movement. We are one community and we flip the bird to cancer together!
The past 18 months I have learned and grown so much. I had my ups and downs and still do. From being diagnosed and spiraling down to healing and climbing back up. The journey isn't over and I can sense some people don't get that. My pity groupies have all since vanished. "Nobody cares unless you're Pretty or Dying." Those strangers that came out of the wood works to "help" me have gone back into hiding. The homies from grade schools days that reached out to be a part of something bigger have since gone back to being another Facebook acquaintance. Cancer helps you weed out the useless people in your life. And makes room for those who deserve your time. A lot of space opened up in my life and has since been filled with lifers!
As much as I want to sit here and say life is rainbows and sunshine, it's still not. Don't get me wrong, I and living life to the fullest when I can and am very grateful I am still here. But some days I just feel like I lost a part of me with the cancer. I just do not feel the same, it makes me feel like I am living with a stranger. Who is this person with short hair and scars everywhere. She looks nothing like me and her temperament is all over the place. And this makes me feel guilty. I survived cancer I should be happy every minute of everyday...but I'm not. Is something wrong with me? Here I am a year after chemotherapy and I am still conflicted over my cancer. So there it is, even after treatment, its not over. But then I also get those days where I say "I beat cancer, I can do this!" Ah I get it, I am bipolar. Figured it out. Done. We can move on now.
My chemoversary reminds me that life keeps going whether you want it to or not. I had a 6 month hiatus but the world kept spinning and bills still had to get paid and people still had to work. My chemoversary reminds me that for 6 months I was dancing with death and only got my toes stepped on, like, twice. My chemoversary reminds me that my mother took 6 months out of her life to care for me. My chemoversary reminds me that I am now apart of an exclusive club with some bad ass members! My chemoversary reminds me of all the times I cried in the shower thinking I was going to die alone. My chemoversary reminds me that things change. And that things get better. Thats what its good for.
Just keep swimming.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Cheers.
Hello there world! It has been almost two months since my last post! Sorry to leave you devoted followers out in the cold. I purposely haven't written anything in so long, well because nothing too exciting has happened. But like a devoted leader I will grace you with an update!
As most of you know I started dating a lovely fella a few months ago and I am proud to say that is still going strong. I have had followers come out of the word work to say they are happy my story is turning in to a happy one. This time last year I was writing about being alone forever, who would want damaged goods? Well let me tell you, my damaged goods are definitely wanted! The special person in my life makes it known daily that I am beautiful and appreciated. Even with my lesbian hair that has me oh so self conscious and depressed. Even with all my scars and side effects. Even with the hovering cloud of what if. It is definitely a great feeling to have that in my life at the moment. Life is rough and everyone has their baggage that they hope will be accepted by everyone they care about. I know my situation is rough and hard to accept. It may not be for everyone, in fact, I know its not for everyone. But it is okay because at the moment I have someone who is willing to be by my side while we walk through the shadows of the unknown. And for that I am grateful.
That is just a peak into my life getting back to "normal." I have recently joined a soccer team which I am looking forward to. I have been more active and slowly getting my body back to what it was before cancer and, well, knee surgery. I have lost almost all the weight I put on during chemo and steroid usage. So that's nice. I feel as if I am getting the old active Jessica back. She hasn't been around to enjoy all that Washington has to offer!
I did want to mention that I had a scan in January. It didn't come back clear but I was horribly ill with the sickness that was going around at the time. So my doctors seem to think that could of been it but one can never be too sure dealing with someone who has already had cancer. They decided to do a biopsy of my tonsils and that test came back inconclusive as the specimen was too small. But let me tell you a tonsil biopsy hurts like a bitch. They say they will numb you but all that went numb was my tongue and that was too stop me from screaming out mother fucker during the procedure. My doctor decided it might be best to just wait for 6 months till my next scan and see whats going on. Sooo again we will wait and watch and see and have no answers. I am becoming an expert on not getting any answers. AM I RIGHT!? YOU KNOW! You know.
For the most part I am just trying to enjoy life. I feel like I may almost get what my new normal is. I still think I will never be the old normal Jessica once was but I am definitely on my way to understanding and accepting my new normal. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of utter depression mostly because (this is dumb) of my hair. I really miss my long hair. I miss feeling like an attractive lady. Now most of the time I feel like a 12 year old who hasn't hit puberty yet and still lets her mom cut her hair but its not a cute hair cut its the "I don't want my baby girl to grow up so I will give her a 3 year olds hair cut so boys don't like her and she will live at home forever and not be tainted by the bad world" hair cut. I know you know what I am talking about! Especially right now at this awkward stage. I would rather shave it again and be the bad ass chick with a shaved head than the oblivious 12 year old. I guess I can focus on the fact that ITS JUST HAIR and it will grow back. I beat cancer for goodness sake who cares about hair. Well as pitiful as it is girls care about hair. Guys care about hair. Everyone cares about hair. AH! Oh well. I am really happy that a boy took a chance on a bald girl though. Faith in humanity restored.
I am trying to make 2015 the year of yes. I have so many trips planned and fun activities. Enjoying life is the reason for living. Experiencing the unknown and going on adventures. Pushing yourself to see whats next. I have the best of friends who will join me on this ride and the best boyfriend to explore with! If anybody out there is reading this and is at the point I was this time last year let me tell you: keep your head up. Enjoy the little things. Cry when you need to. Ask for help when you need to. Don't be afraid to need you time! Don't be afraid to need people time. Having cancer is rough and it feels like your world is ending but it doesn't have to. I have been there and I went through it and I still have my moments of WHY ME! And I am sure I will still have those moments in the future. But what I can do is enjoy the time I have in the moment. Who knows what my next scan will show but until then I plan on living. I will enjoy what time I do have with the people I love. Heck even if you don't have cancer and are perfectly fit and fine still take my advice. It took me a while to get to this point and who knows how long this feeling of SEIZE THE DAY will last but while its hear I will try to give you all a glimmer of hope.
Life can be gone in an instant. Say I love you. Smell the roses. And breathe in that fresh air.
Cheers.
As most of you know I started dating a lovely fella a few months ago and I am proud to say that is still going strong. I have had followers come out of the word work to say they are happy my story is turning in to a happy one. This time last year I was writing about being alone forever, who would want damaged goods? Well let me tell you, my damaged goods are definitely wanted! The special person in my life makes it known daily that I am beautiful and appreciated. Even with my lesbian hair that has me oh so self conscious and depressed. Even with all my scars and side effects. Even with the hovering cloud of what if. It is definitely a great feeling to have that in my life at the moment. Life is rough and everyone has their baggage that they hope will be accepted by everyone they care about. I know my situation is rough and hard to accept. It may not be for everyone, in fact, I know its not for everyone. But it is okay because at the moment I have someone who is willing to be by my side while we walk through the shadows of the unknown. And for that I am grateful.
That is just a peak into my life getting back to "normal." I have recently joined a soccer team which I am looking forward to. I have been more active and slowly getting my body back to what it was before cancer and, well, knee surgery. I have lost almost all the weight I put on during chemo and steroid usage. So that's nice. I feel as if I am getting the old active Jessica back. She hasn't been around to enjoy all that Washington has to offer!
I did want to mention that I had a scan in January. It didn't come back clear but I was horribly ill with the sickness that was going around at the time. So my doctors seem to think that could of been it but one can never be too sure dealing with someone who has already had cancer. They decided to do a biopsy of my tonsils and that test came back inconclusive as the specimen was too small. But let me tell you a tonsil biopsy hurts like a bitch. They say they will numb you but all that went numb was my tongue and that was too stop me from screaming out mother fucker during the procedure. My doctor decided it might be best to just wait for 6 months till my next scan and see whats going on. Sooo again we will wait and watch and see and have no answers. I am becoming an expert on not getting any answers. AM I RIGHT!? YOU KNOW! You know.
For the most part I am just trying to enjoy life. I feel like I may almost get what my new normal is. I still think I will never be the old normal Jessica once was but I am definitely on my way to understanding and accepting my new normal. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of utter depression mostly because (this is dumb) of my hair. I really miss my long hair. I miss feeling like an attractive lady. Now most of the time I feel like a 12 year old who hasn't hit puberty yet and still lets her mom cut her hair but its not a cute hair cut its the "I don't want my baby girl to grow up so I will give her a 3 year olds hair cut so boys don't like her and she will live at home forever and not be tainted by the bad world" hair cut. I know you know what I am talking about! Especially right now at this awkward stage. I would rather shave it again and be the bad ass chick with a shaved head than the oblivious 12 year old. I guess I can focus on the fact that ITS JUST HAIR and it will grow back. I beat cancer for goodness sake who cares about hair. Well as pitiful as it is girls care about hair. Guys care about hair. Everyone cares about hair. AH! Oh well. I am really happy that a boy took a chance on a bald girl though. Faith in humanity restored.
I am trying to make 2015 the year of yes. I have so many trips planned and fun activities. Enjoying life is the reason for living. Experiencing the unknown and going on adventures. Pushing yourself to see whats next. I have the best of friends who will join me on this ride and the best boyfriend to explore with! If anybody out there is reading this and is at the point I was this time last year let me tell you: keep your head up. Enjoy the little things. Cry when you need to. Ask for help when you need to. Don't be afraid to need you time! Don't be afraid to need people time. Having cancer is rough and it feels like your world is ending but it doesn't have to. I have been there and I went through it and I still have my moments of WHY ME! And I am sure I will still have those moments in the future. But what I can do is enjoy the time I have in the moment. Who knows what my next scan will show but until then I plan on living. I will enjoy what time I do have with the people I love. Heck even if you don't have cancer and are perfectly fit and fine still take my advice. It took me a while to get to this point and who knows how long this feeling of SEIZE THE DAY will last but while its hear I will try to give you all a glimmer of hope.
Life can be gone in an instant. Say I love you. Smell the roses. And breathe in that fresh air.
Cheers.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
2015
Today last year was my first chemo. Yuck. I remember it like it was yesterday. I spent the whole day in the chemo ward. It was a long careful process that felt surreal. I remember thinking that I was in a dream. There was no way I had cancer. It was a nightmare not a dream! The nurses wanted to go through every detail, every side effect, everything that may lead to my death. Yeah yeah I get it I could die whatever lets just get this going. I just cannot believe a year ago I started a giant fight with cancer. This time last year I also chopped off all my long hair as a preemptive strike against the C WORD! This year has flown by and I can't believe where I am now compared to last year. It makes me so emotional. But this year is starting off on a much better note. I have a new position in a branch right by my house which eliminates a 2 hour commute. I received a pay increase. I have such great friends. I have a fella in my life. And well I am cancer FREE!!! Lets hop back to the fella thing. Y'all remember my posts about dying alone and who could like someone with cancer or short hair, yeah well I am going to slap old me in the face and tell her to hush!
This past year has been a wild ride and boy am I glad 2014 is over. I ended 2013 thinking I was starting a new adventure in a new land and that all my wildest dreams and aspirations would come true. Boy was I wrong. I started a new job having no idea what I was doing. I had no friends. I was lonely. I was sick. Then it turned out I had cancer. That was just a swell way to start 2014. I am super grateful I had Katie and her family here to take care of me. Without them I probably would have died. Honestly. What would I have done being utterly alone and diagnosed with cancer? Lets not think about that because thankfully I did have somebody. As time went on I found out who my true friends were and who the cancer groupies were. I even met some great new friends through cancer. During this time I also had many breakdowns thinking my life was over and that I was going to die before I got to experience many things. It was a tough and emotional year filled with sickness, death, sadness, loneliness and epiphanies. I could not wait for 2015 to arrive.
As 2014 went on I thought who could ever like a person with cancer? Who would like someone who was now damaged goods? I have learned a lot and came a long way. I went on dates and debated if dating was even for me. Should I wait till I am better? Should I never date? Should I get 10 more cats and call it a day? As time went on I realized I wanted to date and that people would just have to accept me and what I look like and what my story was. Some people ran away without looking back, others had a morbid curiosity. Oh well, it was all worth it because I found one that likes me for me, short lesbian hair and all.
I am glad to say 2015 is starting out pretty awesome and I can't wait to see what else it brings. I mentioned this last year but this year will be the year of YES. I said year a lot in that last sentence but get over it. I want to experience new things. I want to go on adventures. This time last year I was too sick to even get off the couch most of the time. I remember staying up all night with all these wild thoughts racing through my mind. Am I going to die? Am I going to ruin my body. Am I going to ruin my life. Will I get other cancers? What if this never goes away? Crying in the shower so nobody could see I was falling apart and not as strong as they all thought. Lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking maybe it would be better if I just died. My mom could of went home to her husband in California instead of taking care of me 24-7. Katie could spend time with her daughter rather than sitting in the hospital waiting for my surgeries to be over. My grandmother could focus on her own health rather than worrying her granddaughter wasn't gonna make it to the summer. And my aunt wouldn't have to watch her niece go through something she just endured herself. So many lives interrupted because of cancer. My cancer.
To this day I still wish I could be a ball of sunshine but that has yet to happen. I am still bitter and upset. I am grateful I made it out alive but for what? I need a purpose now. I need to accomplish something otherwise why am I alive? Why did I put everyone through that nonsense just to let my life go to waste. Maybe I am just meant to enjoy this second chance. Not worry about the little things, rather, enjoy the little things. I am trying.
I have my six month scan this month. I haven't had a scan since before I had radiation done to eliminate the last of the "cancer." I'll be a nervous wreck as it gets closer. What if its back or never fully went away? I don't want to go through all that again. My body is still recovering from chemo and radiation. I have finally lost my moon face from the steroids. But my body still has some chemo weight I gained during treatment and I feel as if my hair isn't growing and I will be stuck with short hair forever! My skin is all kinds of weird colors. And the body hair.... I look like Teen Wolf. Oh well!
Well cheers to 2015 and lets hope for a healthy, happy, adventurous year!
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Diagnosiversary?
A year ago this month I was going through tests like crazy trying to figure out what was causing my neck to swell up. What were all these bumps on me? Why was I itchy and why would I wake up DRENCHED in sweat in the middle of the night. Who knew all of that would lead to cancer. I never put two and two together. I always joked about having cancer because I was a hypochondriac but the day these lumps on my neck appeared that was the one time I didn't jump to the conclusion of cancer. I probably jinxed myself. Bah humbug.
This past year has been intense. Who remembers when I went to the ER after my first chemo due to stomach pain? They thought I had a burst appendix or a twisted ovary (WTF.) I was in the ER for almost 6 hours writhing in pain. Turns out I was just really constipated but nobody told me. They just sent me home saying they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Gotta love the health care system. Its all good I just ate a lot of prunes and shortly after, HALLELUJAH!
Chemo was no fun though. I remember the nasty taste. The weird reaction in my throat to the premeds. The Benadryl turning my eyes stoner red. Uhg as I am typing this I get that feeling in my mouth, it makes me sick. Lets skip talking about chemo, K thanks!
Remember that time I had my bone marrow biopsy and they hit a nerve so I was hospitalized for the day due to immense pain in my lower extremities and being doped up on all kinds of amazing drugs! Good times! What about that time towards the end of chemo where my lungs got pulmonary toxicity from the Bleomycin and I had to go on those chunky face makers called steroids! That was fun! I love getting lung biopsies and gaining weight!! Man cancer has been so good to me! (Also I apologize for the run on sentences but deal with it!)
Looking back a year ago, a lot of early memories feel foggy. I think I coasted through most of it on autopilot not really comprehending what was happening to me. I look at old pictures and miss the old Jessica. Long hair, thin face, lean body. I even feel like my voice is different. Its all mostly superficial but that's who I knew for 24 years and now who am I? I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror and the person in pictures looks like a stranger. I've lost my identity.
Whats the plan? Whats the goal in life? Am I just supposed to enjoy it and do whatever makes me happy? Yes I suppose that's a good answer. Life is so hard. I thought I had it figured out. I had it made in the shade with lemonade and now I just feel like I don't belong. Is it Washington? I sure don't feel like I belong back in California. Why can't I win the lottery and travel and be wild. Not have to worry about bills, jobs, insurance, people, love, feelings, stress, the world. A problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone in my cave and not deal with anything either. Why can't I be a hermit!! Man this emotional roller coaster ride isn't over yet and I don't see an end in site. I hate roller coasters.
I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a blood test to check for cancer markers. But lately I have been having weird things happen and so my doctor will be doing a full check up to see whats going on with my body. Of course I jump to the worst conclusion and that is that the cancer is back but of course I shouldn't go there. Wouldn't that be a bit of sweet irony. Below are pictures I found in my "Cancer" picture folder. Till next time skids.
Also a quick shout out to the band wagon hoppers who got a kick out of my near death experience and have since vanished: WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ;)
This past year has been intense. Who remembers when I went to the ER after my first chemo due to stomach pain? They thought I had a burst appendix or a twisted ovary (WTF.) I was in the ER for almost 6 hours writhing in pain. Turns out I was just really constipated but nobody told me. They just sent me home saying they couldn't find anything wrong with me. Gotta love the health care system. Its all good I just ate a lot of prunes and shortly after, HALLELUJAH!
Chemo was no fun though. I remember the nasty taste. The weird reaction in my throat to the premeds. The Benadryl turning my eyes stoner red. Uhg as I am typing this I get that feeling in my mouth, it makes me sick. Lets skip talking about chemo, K thanks!
Remember that time I had my bone marrow biopsy and they hit a nerve so I was hospitalized for the day due to immense pain in my lower extremities and being doped up on all kinds of amazing drugs! Good times! What about that time towards the end of chemo where my lungs got pulmonary toxicity from the Bleomycin and I had to go on those chunky face makers called steroids! That was fun! I love getting lung biopsies and gaining weight!! Man cancer has been so good to me! (Also I apologize for the run on sentences but deal with it!)
Looking back a year ago, a lot of early memories feel foggy. I think I coasted through most of it on autopilot not really comprehending what was happening to me. I look at old pictures and miss the old Jessica. Long hair, thin face, lean body. I even feel like my voice is different. Its all mostly superficial but that's who I knew for 24 years and now who am I? I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror and the person in pictures looks like a stranger. I've lost my identity.
Whats the plan? Whats the goal in life? Am I just supposed to enjoy it and do whatever makes me happy? Yes I suppose that's a good answer. Life is so hard. I thought I had it figured out. I had it made in the shade with lemonade and now I just feel like I don't belong. Is it Washington? I sure don't feel like I belong back in California. Why can't I win the lottery and travel and be wild. Not have to worry about bills, jobs, insurance, people, love, feelings, stress, the world. A problem free philosophy, Hakuna Matata. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone in my cave and not deal with anything either. Why can't I be a hermit!! Man this emotional roller coaster ride isn't over yet and I don't see an end in site. I hate roller coasters.
I have a doctors appointment on Monday for a blood test to check for cancer markers. But lately I have been having weird things happen and so my doctor will be doing a full check up to see whats going on with my body. Of course I jump to the worst conclusion and that is that the cancer is back but of course I shouldn't go there. Wouldn't that be a bit of sweet irony. Below are pictures I found in my "Cancer" picture folder. Till next time skids.
Also a quick shout out to the band wagon hoppers who got a kick out of my near death experience and have since vanished: WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!? ;)
The Day I Cut My Hair AD
The Lump In Question BD
After The Biopsy BD
Golum and Fraline AD
Nobody cares unless you are dying or beautiful
Friday, November 14, 2014
Haunting
These haunting feelings and memories flash through my mind. They flash bright and loud. They cause me to stop and have an anxiety attack. Why? What is happening to me? Memories of getting diagnosed, correction, misdiagnosed. Then flashes of the actual diagnoses of cancer. This time last year I was running tests and seeing doctors and had the cancer cloud hovering over my head, waiting for its downpour. When finally it happened. The crash of cold, sharp cancer came pouring down. I had cancer. Have? Had? Whatever. Almost a year later of getting diagnosed and its like its happening all over again. I feel like I am reliving what happened this time last year. Its like a movie. Picture a young lad coming home from war and 5 years later he wakes up in the middle of the night to cold sweats and the scene cuts to a black and white screen. BOOM! FLASH! Bombs go off. Loud noises and screams are heard. Death. Fear. Then back to reality.
I "survived" cancer, I should be happy and moving on and living. Why can't I be an inspiration? Why can't I be like those role models and give hope to those currently fighting? Why can't I move on? Who will answer these questions for me! I just want my old life back, my old body, my old sense of self. I do not go a day without having cancer fall off my lips. I do not go looking for it, it finds me. Better yet never leaves me. Maybe as time goes on it will get easier and less haunting. Maybe the pain will go away as well.
My body aches and hurts. If feel like I have been hit by a train more often than not. My skin hurts to the touch on occasion. My lungs are not like they used to be. Why did I get cancer? Why me. Had I not been through enough in my life? I thought I endured enough torment and lessons learned. Again I wish I was a basket of rainbows and butterflies but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everyone. Maybe someone feeling the same way as me, in the same situation will stumble upon this and maybe, just maybe, they will say "So it's not just me!" No its not just you. What you are feeling is normal. But if you are one of the ones who felt they got a second chance and shit rainbows then good for you. I wish I was like you.
Sure I have my moments of SEIZE THE DAY! But those are quickly followed by well this is life and shit happens. There is a general saying that after a shit load of bad stuff happens then a shit load of good stuff should happen. I mean I do have something of that nature tattooed on me for goodness sake. It's a good reminder and inspiration and sometimes it works. But what I am getting at is: It seems like a whole lot of bad shit has happened to me lately when will it turn around? When will the clouds part and the sun shine through? Maybe I am being too negative. Maybe I need to appreciate the little things. Well folks, I AM TRYING!! Thats all I can do.
I hear people joke about getting cancer like its not a real thing. Like it can't happen to them. I used to do that a lot and BOOM I got cancer. HOW THE FUCK?! Pardon my language I am hangry because I am on a diet trying to lose the weight cancer so willingly gave to me. And when we broke up Cancer said I could keep the weight. How thoughtful.
Even though I am haunted by these feelings and memories I also feel like it didn't happen. Is that weird? I don't know if any body else can relate to that actually. It feels like a dream. I didn't go to work, my mom lived with me and made me food. I went on adventures, I met new people, got a cool new haircut and occasionally got pumped full of poison that knocked me out a few days. And now like nothing happened I picked back up where I left off. Nobody had a clue. Strangers and new acquaintances have no idea I almost died. Part of me wants to introduce myself as Jessica Cancer Survivor. Cancer is a huge thing and I did it, shouldn't I get a high five or something? That's probably wrong of me to think. On the other side of it I don't want people to know because people are ignorant and will probably think it was breast cancer or couldn't of been that bad because I survived. As a kid I remember thinking that cancer was a death sentence, and maybe back then it was, but it was scary and I feared it.
I am just thankful for the group of friends I have made during this experience. Without them I would be lost and alone. They help me get through these troubled times. I guess I can just continue to take things one day at a time and wait for the tides to turn. Until then let the hauntings continue.
I "survived" cancer, I should be happy and moving on and living. Why can't I be an inspiration? Why can't I be like those role models and give hope to those currently fighting? Why can't I move on? Who will answer these questions for me! I just want my old life back, my old body, my old sense of self. I do not go a day without having cancer fall off my lips. I do not go looking for it, it finds me. Better yet never leaves me. Maybe as time goes on it will get easier and less haunting. Maybe the pain will go away as well.
My body aches and hurts. If feel like I have been hit by a train more often than not. My skin hurts to the touch on occasion. My lungs are not like they used to be. Why did I get cancer? Why me. Had I not been through enough in my life? I thought I endured enough torment and lessons learned. Again I wish I was a basket of rainbows and butterflies but unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everyone. Maybe someone feeling the same way as me, in the same situation will stumble upon this and maybe, just maybe, they will say "So it's not just me!" No its not just you. What you are feeling is normal. But if you are one of the ones who felt they got a second chance and shit rainbows then good for you. I wish I was like you.
Sure I have my moments of SEIZE THE DAY! But those are quickly followed by well this is life and shit happens. There is a general saying that after a shit load of bad stuff happens then a shit load of good stuff should happen. I mean I do have something of that nature tattooed on me for goodness sake. It's a good reminder and inspiration and sometimes it works. But what I am getting at is: It seems like a whole lot of bad shit has happened to me lately when will it turn around? When will the clouds part and the sun shine through? Maybe I am being too negative. Maybe I need to appreciate the little things. Well folks, I AM TRYING!! Thats all I can do.
I hear people joke about getting cancer like its not a real thing. Like it can't happen to them. I used to do that a lot and BOOM I got cancer. HOW THE FUCK?! Pardon my language I am hangry because I am on a diet trying to lose the weight cancer so willingly gave to me. And when we broke up Cancer said I could keep the weight. How thoughtful.
Even though I am haunted by these feelings and memories I also feel like it didn't happen. Is that weird? I don't know if any body else can relate to that actually. It feels like a dream. I didn't go to work, my mom lived with me and made me food. I went on adventures, I met new people, got a cool new haircut and occasionally got pumped full of poison that knocked me out a few days. And now like nothing happened I picked back up where I left off. Nobody had a clue. Strangers and new acquaintances have no idea I almost died. Part of me wants to introduce myself as Jessica Cancer Survivor. Cancer is a huge thing and I did it, shouldn't I get a high five or something? That's probably wrong of me to think. On the other side of it I don't want people to know because people are ignorant and will probably think it was breast cancer or couldn't of been that bad because I survived. As a kid I remember thinking that cancer was a death sentence, and maybe back then it was, but it was scary and I feared it.
I am just thankful for the group of friends I have made during this experience. Without them I would be lost and alone. They help me get through these troubled times. I guess I can just continue to take things one day at a time and wait for the tides to turn. Until then let the hauntings continue.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Heartbreak...
I have always heard people talk about their heart breaks. They said that they felt empty and their heart actually hurt. I have had my fair share of heart break and thought it was pretty rough. I understood that feeling of your heart actually hurting. But I have recently experienced true heart break. It ached deep in my body. I felt my heart just cracking and crumbling and I had a hard time finding a breath. This was a different pain. This was real and never ending. It consumed me and overwhelmed my senses. The world just faded away and all I could feel was the pain of this heartbreak. It happened all at once. No it wasn't a boy. No I didn't have a fight with a best friend. The moment I had to say my goodbyes to my grandmother was the moment my heart broke.
Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.
I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.
Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.
Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.
Jackie King was a wonderful, strong, tough and bad ass lady. She had been through her fair share of heartbreaks in her life. But through it all she made sure her family was taken care of and for that I thank her. Most of the time it seemed my mother and I were sisters and my grandmother was our mother. Yes its an odd relationship but thats just how it seemed to work out for the most part. Unconventional but like I said my grandmother did what she had to do to take care of her family.
I remember every time she would pick me up from school she would have a Pepsi and a Twinkie waiting for me. I remember looking forward to that creamy pie (which I still don't know what or how its made) every holiday. I remember her making baskets of lotions and other toiletries every Christmas. I remember the first time I told her a joke and she laughed and I felt proud. I remember when I finished chemo and flew to California to see her she was just so happy to see me alive. I remember how she always had snacks. I remember drinking margaritas and sitting in the spa with her. I remember ghost hunting with her in her house. I remember how I knew as long as she was around everything would be okay, I would be okay. Not only do I remember those things, I miss them.
Now what? My grandmother has passed away and now I feel lost. She taught me so much and I hope she knew that. Because of her I know how to set a table. Because of her I have manners. Because of her I have respect for other people. I am who I am because of her. I can smile while tears fall down my face because I know she is in a better place with her husband and her dog. She's watching Days of Our Lives on the big TV in the sky, with a glass of boxed wine. She is okay because she knows we are all okay.
Grammies, I wish you would of stayed longer. I wanted you to go to my wedding and meet your great grand children one day. I wanted you to see how well I am doing in Washington. I wanted you to see my cats since you always ask about them. I wanted to host Christmas for you. I didn't want you to go. But I know you are okay. And I will be okay too.
Jacqueline Frances King
October 31st 1936- October 16th 2014
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