Just a thought...

As I lie in bed writing this on my cellphone because I just got the sudden urge to tell the world. I just want to say that life is short. Yes it's the longest thing we may ever know but you don't know how short that could be. As I lie here thinking of all the things I could of or should of done in the past, I could hit myself for not doing it! I should of been spontaneous. I should of gone to the school dances. I should of gone to that girls night. I should of joined the high school soccer team. I should of kissed that boy. I should of been nicer to that girl. 

All I know is when I beat this I am going to have the best life. I'll tell that cute boy buying chips that he's cute. I'll go on vacation instead of staying home. I'll go explore. I'll be nicer. The thought that I could die and never be able to go out with friends again saddens me. I would give everything to be able to play a soccer game again with my old team again. 

I wish I could get excited about the little things but I just can't anymore. "Those are cute shoes! When will you wear them? You have no where to go these days. You wanna be the bald girl wearing heels to a doctors appointment? What if you die? What's the point in buying them? Buy them when you aren't sick. Don't waste your money." That's a conversation I have with myself whenever I want to buy something I don't need. The sickness, the aches, the pains, the thoughts, the tears, I wish they would all go away. I don't know how most people deal with this because the thought of 5 more months in this cancer infested world I have kills me. I honestly don't know if I can do it. Which hurts to say because I know so many of you keep saying I'm so strong and I inspire you. I admire anyone who is going through this without feeling this way. But I think it's inevitable. Cancer sucks. Bottom line. My whole life revolves around cancer. Can't eat that, cancer. Can't go there, cancer. Can't do that, cancer. 

All I really wanted to say with this post is be great. Be great in everything. Enjoy life. Be nice. Be caring. Say I love you. Don't be afraid. Even though life is the longest thing we know, it could be gone before you know it.