Ramblings...

I had an appointment with my doctor the other day. Just a check up to make sure I am handling chemo. I had a slew of questions for him, every feeling, every ache, I wanted to check them out and make sure it was all normal. Rest assured everything I am feeling is normal. In fact I am handling chemo excellently. BUT. Yes there is a but. My doctor advised me he consulted with a radiologist about the bulky disease in my chest. The radiologist highly suggested I get radiation after my chemo. This news is disappointing as radiation can cause breast cancer and heart problems in the future. But I guess with me having cancer I knew my life was forever changed and I am now more likely to get cancer again anyways. As a friend said might as well move forward thinking the best.

On a good note my doctor reassured me that I can go out and live my life. I have been panicking and staying locked inside thinking that any little germ would kill me. But now I know that as long as I am careful I can go out and do things and enjoy life! So I have started making plans! Getting back to normal!

Also I went and visited my work and that was a nice surprise. They actually missed me. I ended up visiting for almost 3 hours. It made me miss work and the people and the interaction but I need to focus on my health first and foremost. I greatly appreciate that they are all understanding and caring.

Having cancer, like I've said before, is like being a part of an elite club. There was a Stupid Cancer meet up which I attended and it was exciting. Only four people, including myself, showed up but still. We were all gathered around a long table in Panera Bread, brought together by the lack of hair on our heads. I'm sure people were curious what was going on at our table. It's exciting to talk to someone with the same scars as you and the same train of thought. These meet ups are great for me in so many ways. It's not the way I originally hoped to meet people when I moved up here but I guess given the circumstances it will do.

I have chemo tomorrow and it is weird that the thought of it gets me sick. The smells, the noises, the thoughts. VOMIT. Excuse me while I go take some Lorazepam and relax. Soon I wont be able to go to the hospital without getting extremely nauseous or vomit. 

Since I have a lot of spare time to kill between treatments I have decided to use that time wisely. I am getting cabin fever and thinking too much about what could happen to me. So before I go completely insane I have decided to start exercising again. Along with the yoga that I am trying to do daily, I am going to start walking every morning (if the weather permits) and work my way up to a jog or run. At least until I lose energy which I hear happens the longer you do chemo. I want my old life back, sigh. 

Oh also I did research on a cancer dating website and they do exist. I may or may not have signed up for that... I read an article that when someone you are dating finds out you have/had cancer that they usually look at you differently and even sometimes decide to stop dating you. Nobody wants to deal with that hot mess. Which I understand. Its a lot to handle. It is okay though. Once I beat this I will have shit to do. I will have places to go, people to see, things to experience and a life to live. BUT if a sweet, caring, funny, tall, dark and handsome man wants to join me, I shall not object. Notice I said MAN, aint nobody got time for boys. 

I want to apologize for this blog post being all over the place. I want to thank all my friends. Y'all get me through my hard times. I want to thank my cats for their snuggles. I want to thank my mom for being around alllll the time and cooking me meals. I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press... I don't know why I just went Oscar speech on y'all. 

Till next time kiddos. 





This quote hits home. I love it. 

“Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but a Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile.” 
― John Green, The Fault In Our Stars