Time Is flying...

Hello all, So I am about to start my second cycle of chemo AKA the third treatment. These past two weeks went by really fast, it feels like I just had chemo the other day. I guess this is a good thing because that means this whole experience will go by super fast but that also means that time will go by super fast and what if this is the last of my time here? I am remaining positive. I feel like I am beating this but you never know. I handle my chemo treatment pretty well. The side effects are bearable. Does that mean its not working? I want to say it is working because my visible lymph nodes have shrunken quite a bit. My hair has started falling out which can be considered a good sign as well.

Its not much but when you shower and your hands are covered in your own hair like hair mittens then its a lot. Its weird that it just keeps falling out. I shake my head and hair falls to the ground gently like snow flakes. I thought it would be more dramatic or depressing the moment wads of hair fell out, but it wasn't. It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it so I might as well embrace it. I have two wigs and tons of scarves and hats so I can be whoever I want. 

It's weird but cancer has given me a new outlook on life. I wake up excited that I woke up. I couldn't care less what people think of me. I wear what I want to wear, I say what I want to say, I do what I want to do. I just wish I had the stamina and immune system to do what I want to do. When I get the urge to do something I have to take into account if I could catch germs or get hurt. And most of the time I wont be able to do what I want to do. BUT you can bet your bottom that as soon as I beat this thing I will not waste another second not enjoying life. 

I wish that it didn't take cancer to make me realize that. I miss being able to just go to the gym, to the mall, to the bar, out with friends. Pretty much all the things I took for granted before. Maybe that is why I got cancer, to make me appreciate life? That is the only reason I can think of why I would get this. 

Now this blog is to vent my feelings and right now the thoughts that are plaguing my mind are mostly of loneliness. Not that I am physically alone because my mother has not left my side since she arrived in Seattle a few weeks ago. But the thought of loneliness in the future. I have yet to make friends I can hit the bar with on the spur of the moment. I am still unfamiliar with the territory. Where will I meet people? When will I meet people? Where will I meet guys? When will I meet guys? I wonder if there is a Cancer dating site? ChemoChemestry.com or something? If thats not a thing it should be. 

Cancer has changed my life, forever. I will always be the girl who had cancer. I will always have to go to the doctor with a history of cancer and get check ups. I have scars, physical and emotional. You don't get cancer and just forget about it once it's gone. I guess I am not there yet though so who knows. I really hope that once I beat this that it is gone forever and I can move on. Grow my hair out, buy a house, meet a guy, get married, MAYBE have a kid or two and just enjoy life. I cant wait for the day to come that I no longer have cancer. Only 5 more months. 5 more cycles. 10 more treatments. Thousands of dollars in bills. 

The good thing about this is the Tshirt fundraiser I did. As most of you know it went extremely well. The shirts are starting to get delivered and it just makes me feel so loved! The support that people are showing towards me is making my heart grow like the Grinches on Christmas! Not that I didn't have a big heart already.... But its just amazing how nice people are and it makes me sad that I moved away from all of these great people. 

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Team Kraft Fundraiser

Below is the evolution of my hair. 

"Don't let your struggle become your identity."