I started a blog earlier today and then scratched that because it wasn't going anywhere. I feel like I say the same thing over and over in here but its the same thoughts that go through my mind. Why am I plagued with these thoughts daily? Maybe because I can't escape this cancer. I have cancer. No matter how much I say it I just can't believe it happened to me. I ask my mom almost daily, "Can you believe I got cancer? Me? What did I do?" I don't get it. Nobody deserves cancer by any means but WHAT THE FUCK. I just don't understand. This is an emotional roller coaster as I have said before. I apologize if my blogs are getting redundant but I just need to get these things out. My life will never be the same. I want to enjoy what is left of my life but its kinda hard when I don't feel well. For a week after chemo certain foods hurt my mouth. Its like my taste buds are extra sensitive. Drinking coke is out of the question and coke is the best. A lot of the food just doesn't have a taste. Man I cant eat berries at all anymore and what I would give to eat a strawberry again. As soon as I beat this I am pulling up the to first mexican I see selling strawberries on the side of the road.... Oh wait... That only happens in Cali because I haven't seen that in Washington at all, which is disappointing. I also can't wait till I can just pull up to some shady looking restaurant and try their food. MMMmm. I love food. Oh how I would of enjoyed food more if I would have known I would be limited later in life. You know what I miss? Running. I skipped today for the first time, I wanna say in a year, since my knee injury. I felt alive for a few minutes. I hummed the Rocky tune as I punched the air and then I ran out of breathe and had to stop. BUT I FELT ALIVE!
I am looking forward to this coming up week. I have a hot date with this girl I know. Her name is Brittney!! Holla! My home girl from work. We are going out and gonna have a drink and catch up which is something I really need! Then a week after that is the Quinault Forest with my other home girl Katie for my birthday! Just a cancer girl trying to live a normal life! Oh and my new cancer BFF Brooke if you are reading this we need an adventure asap! Between cancer, and cars getting broken into and gloomy weather we need to have fun!
Gosh the big 25 is coming up fast. A gal in her mid twenties with cancer. This is the time in my life I should be making mistakes. Making friends. Making memories. Making goals. Making babies....SIKE!! Making life great. Instead I am fighting cancer. Its okay this is just a blip in my story. A speed bump on my road of life. I just hope that when this is all over, I will still be me. I will be Jessica Kraft Crazy Cat Lady not Jessica Kraft Cancer Girl. But I guess Jessica Kraft Crazy Cat Lady Cancer Survivor has a nice ring to it! (Idea for my next shirt maybe?) In approximately two ish months I should know if this treatment is working and if I am on the right track. Or we could find out its not working and my time on this earth will be severed by the sharp knife of a short life. (Yes I did just listen to The Band Perry)
On a side note my hair seems to be growing in faster than it can fall out. Maybe I will just let it grow and have very thin, scraggly hair. I could pull that off. I wish I had more to say but really all I want to talk about is depressing stuff. How my life feels like its over. How I don't think I can handle another 4 months of this. How my life will never be the same. How I am damaged goods to any man that may ever be interested in me again. BUT you have heard it all before. I am just stuck living with these thoughts day in and day out. Is it dumb? Oh well. I just had a chest pain, is that the cancer growing? UHHG This sucks!!! But this is not how my story ends.
“At any given moment you have the power to say this is NOT how the story is going to end.” -Author Unknown
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell
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