I Just Want To Be Excited Again...

I had chemo yesterday. My first two chemo treatments went well, I felt fine getting the treatment and after the treatment. I can usually go through the rest of chemo day feeling fine. But these last two treatments have got me feeling not so well. It might be a mix of all the pre chemo drugs they give me, which get me really tired and my throat hurts and I just overall don't feel well after the premeds. So the last two treatments I have gone home feeling under the the weather. Which is making me hate this situation even more. Chemo hurts more than the actual cancer. But I guess it is saving my life in the long run, hopefully anyways. I really hope that this is the only time I have to deal with this horrendous disease. I really, really hope. Believe it or not this is really hard and emotional. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this. And I feel like a bitch for saying that, or weak because I know people that are in a much worse predicament than me. I mean most days I got this and I feel like I can take over the world. But chemo days and the following days just make me want to give up on it all. And until you go through this, until YOU have cancer you have no idea what I am going though. You have no idea.

I keep thinking that it might be for the best to move back to California after all this. In the case that I end up with a relapse it would be so much easier to be at home with people I know and people that can help me. But Washington has better healthcare for me. They actually seem to care about my health and treatment. And to start all over again after all this would be hard. I love Washington and I can see myself living a great fun life here but so far all I have here in Washington is cancer. I want to be excited about the future but its really hard with all this going on. I can't wait to get a new apartment, but will I be healthy long enough to live there? I can't wait to go back to work, but what if I relapse and have to go on leave again and lose my job. I can't wait to go on dates and meet new friends, but what if I never get the chance. I just want to be excited again. I want to be excited about anything. I mean my future looks bright according to my doctor, I mean as bright as it can seeing as I have cancer and will most likely get another type, or organ failure of some sort in the future. My life is drastically shortened because of all this. I am not sad that my life is shortened, I am just worried that what is left of my life will be taken over by cancer and relapses and medicine. I just hope that I can get my life back to somewhat normal, so I can enjoy this wonderful gift of life.

I feel dumb when I post these depressing and sad posts but I cant be positive and happy all the time. And I am sure someone, somewhere out there will come across this and they will be going through the same thing as me and they will smile knowing they are not alone and what they are thinking is normal. And thats why I do this. I want those people to know that they are not alone. And I want all of you readers to know what goes through the minds of cancer patients. I am not saying all people think the way I do but I have learned that a great amount do. It's hard to do this. I just want you all to be grateful for your lives and health. I am losing a year of my life to fight this and I will never get it back. And on top of that because of this I will lose a few more years. It sucks even more to be this young and still have a whole life of learning ahead of me. And to think this happens to young children too. This is a sad world. But I guess we can just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I have learned that I have touched many lives that I was not aware of before all this. And that makes me happy. And it helps me through all this.



During chemo, you're more tired than you've ever been.  It's like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you're out.  You don't know how you'll answer the door when your groceries are delivered.  But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been.  You're clear.  Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception.  Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience.  Now it's instantaneous.  ~Melissa Bank