Back To Normal...

The past few days I have felt amazing. I almost feel like I don't have cancer. I am trying to live my life as normal as possible and it is working. I am meeting new friends, hanging out with people, joined a dating site (LOL) and even signed up to go climbing for a cancer fundraiser. This past weekend I went to a zoo in Tacoma, I enjoyed seeing all the animals, even animals I have never seen in person before. After that I grabbed pizza and beer with my mom as an early birthday dinner. This next weekend I plan on going to the Seattle zoo with my favorite people for another birthday outing. Its my 25th birthday so of course I am gonna go wild and go to the zoo TWICE!!! Duh!

Overall I am just happier. Focusing on the good and living life!! Whatever my future holds I don't really know but why worry about it. I am gonna enjoy the now and make plans for the future because if I have a say, I will have a future. I am so excited to do the Climb-A-Thon this weekend. I almost didn't do it thinking that it was not a good idea since I have no immune system. But after a friend persuaded me and my doctor okayed the outing I figured WHAT THE HELL! I have never been rock climbing before and it benefits a young adult cancer group, so why not? Cancer sure is giving me opportunities I never would of known about. Which is interesting. People have to come close to death before they realize whats out there. What fun things are out in the world. Its amazing. 

On a side note my fat cat Olive found a toy she really likes, a lil yellow mouse with a hot pink tail. She takes that thing everywhere with her. Its the cutest thing I have EVER seen. So just picture a 16lb, black, fluffy, thick cat carrying around a little yellow mouse the size of a big grape, like its her baby. If you don't at least smile then slap yourself in the face because you are dead inside. 

Also, I went to a Look Good Feel Better event in Bellevue which was fun. It is an event for women currently undergoing treatment for cancer to learn how to feel better about themselves since we are looking ugly. But I received a butt load of expensive make up for free, learned how to apply it correctly and how to keep it clean. It was a very interesting and educational event. There sure are a lot of cancer perks. I just wanted to post an update about the good stuff for once. :)



“One must simply take the days of their lives as they happen. If you spend time worrying over what is to come, which may or may not happen, then you will only be wasting precious days you will wish in the future you could have cherished a bit longer.” 

A Blog A Day Keeps The Cancer Away.... NOT

I wish a blog a day kept the cancer away, I would of started writing a blog the moment I was born. Today I kind of had an epiphany. First it started with googling what Lady Bugs mean because they are all over this house. And for a few years Lady Bugs have been mine and my moms "thing." Like we were gonna get matching lady bug tattoos. (Still are.) Anyways they mean good luck. And a lot of people said they mean to just let go of worry and let what will be, be. Which is good. But a lot of people said that they noticed lady bugs when someone had passed away and it comforted them. So I took that as I am going to die. But then I decided to take it as let go and let what will be, be. A friend commented on my blog post and stated that death is terrifying but they take comfort in knowing that the life they did live was enjoyed and that they left an impression on the people around them. Which makes sense, that started my epiphany. Let me take this moment to say thank you to all the friends who comfort me in my low times and bring me back up. But anyways, why should I limit what I want to do with my life just because I MAY die. My future is not promised but it has not been taken from me yet either. So, on days that I am well, I am going to do what I want. And live life as normal as possible. If I do expire then so be it. I know I have touched many lives in my 25 years on this earth and I know that means something. I am still not comfortable with the thought of death but what can ya do? Its bound to happen. For all I know this is my second life. My second chance to enjoy the little things. One day at a time. 

Also I wrote a poem late last night. 
For me, Its about cancer. For you, Its about anything you want. 

At night as I lie awake
Many thoughts in my head
Dark, dreary, and opaque
Like things that go unsaid

I wonder what I meant to you
All the wounds that we've shared
Emotions always right on cue
As if you even cared

Is this all just a dream
A fantasy a tale of fiction
It's a nightmarish scream
It's just a bunch of friction

If we were to not be close
I think I could survive
Your life would be morose
But I, I would be alive

Why must you aways bring despair
A cloud of sadness
The unfucking fair
It's all crazy madness

I do not fear you
You will not win
I shall stage a coup
That my friend will be el fin.

-Jessica Kraft

Death...

Lately I have heard a lot about people dying. Which hurts. And when I found out they died of cancer that strikes a certain cord with me. It makes the notion that I could die seem more real and closer to reality. Whats amazing is that a survivor story can perk my spirits up and turn that all around. But the moment someone dies of Hodgkins Lymphoma it knocks me two feet back. I know I only notice now because I am aware of it but it seems cancer is more common than I thought. Everywhere I look there is cancer. Nothing I haven't said before but man it is getting harder and harder each day to remain positive. Death has always been a big fear of mine and now more than ever I feel like I am staring it in the face. I could die for any reason tonight or tomorrow, not because of the cancer. Thats just horrifying. I want a long a wonderful life just like everyone else. But no matter how much I think I deserve to live and how I will be a great person after all of this and how its not fair to cut my life short, there are people that are in worse condition. People die everyday, accidents or not. Whats the point of it all? What is the point of a child getting cancer and dying? What is the point of an old man getting shot in the face? What is the point of the mother of three getting hit by a drunk driver? None of it makes sense. And here is where all you religious people chime in and say maybe its time I have a talk with god or go to church and it will all make sense. Sorry but no thank you. I don't want to start a religious debate or anything so we will end that part right there. There are a million reasons to be scared of death. And I am either closer than normal to death or the same distance I have always been. Either way that shit is scary as hell and I hope that I don't have a meeting with death at least for a few decades. 



The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Albert Einstein

This Is Not How My Story Ends...

I started a blog earlier today and then scratched that because it wasn't going anywhere. I feel like I say the same thing over and over in here but its the same thoughts that go through my mind. Why am I plagued with these thoughts daily? Maybe because I can't escape this cancer. I have cancer. No matter how much I say it I just can't believe it happened to me. I ask my mom almost daily, "Can you believe I got cancer? Me? What did I do?" I don't get it. Nobody deserves cancer by any means but WHAT THE FUCK. I just don't understand. This is an emotional roller coaster as I have said before. I apologize if my blogs are getting redundant but I just need to get these things out. My life will never be the same. I want to enjoy what is left of my life but its kinda hard when I don't feel well. For a week after chemo certain foods hurt my mouth. Its like my taste buds are extra sensitive. Drinking coke is out of the question and coke is the best. A lot of the food just doesn't have a taste. Man I cant eat berries at all anymore and what I would give to eat a strawberry again. As soon as I beat this I am pulling up the to first mexican I see selling strawberries on the side of the road.... Oh wait... That only happens in Cali because I haven't seen that in Washington at all, which is disappointing. I also can't wait till I can just pull up to some shady looking restaurant and try their food. MMMmm. I love food. Oh how I would of enjoyed food more if I would have known I would be limited later in life. You know what I miss? Running. I skipped today for the first time, I wanna say in a year, since my knee injury. I felt alive for a few minutes. I hummed the Rocky tune as I punched the air and then I ran out of breathe and had to stop. BUT I FELT ALIVE! 

I am looking forward to this coming up week. I have a hot date with this girl I know. Her name is Brittney!! Holla! My home girl from work. We are going out and gonna have a drink and catch up which is something I really need! Then a week after that is the Quinault Forest with my other home girl Katie for my birthday! Just a cancer girl trying to live a normal life! Oh and my new cancer BFF Brooke if you are reading this we need an adventure asap! Between cancer, and cars getting broken into and gloomy weather we need to have fun!

Gosh the big 25 is coming up fast. A gal in her mid twenties with cancer. This is the time in my life I should be making mistakes. Making friends. Making memories. Making goals. Making babies....SIKE!! Making life great. Instead I am fighting cancer. Its okay this is just a blip in my story. A speed bump on my road of life. I just hope that when this is all over, I will still be me. I will be Jessica Kraft Crazy Cat Lady not Jessica Kraft Cancer Girl. But I guess Jessica Kraft Crazy Cat Lady Cancer Survivor has a nice ring to it! (Idea for my next shirt maybe?) In approximately two ish months I should know if this treatment is working and if I am on the right track. Or we could find out its not working and my time on this earth will be severed by the sharp knife of a short life. (Yes I did just listen to The Band Perry) 

On a side note my hair seems to be growing in faster than it can fall out. Maybe I will just let it grow and have very thin, scraggly hair. I could pull that off. I wish I had more to say but really all I want to talk about is depressing stuff. How my life feels like its over. How I don't think I can handle another 4 months of this. How my life will never be the same. How I am damaged goods to any man that may ever be interested in me again. BUT you have heard it all before. I am just stuck living with these thoughts day in and day out. Is it dumb? Oh well. I just had a chest pain, is that the cancer growing? UHHG This sucks!!! But this is not how my story ends. 



“At any given moment you have the power to say this is NOT how the story is going to end.” -Author Unknown



“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell

I Just Want To Be Excited Again...

I had chemo yesterday. My first two chemo treatments went well, I felt fine getting the treatment and after the treatment. I can usually go through the rest of chemo day feeling fine. But these last two treatments have got me feeling not so well. It might be a mix of all the pre chemo drugs they give me, which get me really tired and my throat hurts and I just overall don't feel well after the premeds. So the last two treatments I have gone home feeling under the the weather. Which is making me hate this situation even more. Chemo hurts more than the actual cancer. But I guess it is saving my life in the long run, hopefully anyways. I really hope that this is the only time I have to deal with this horrendous disease. I really, really hope. Believe it or not this is really hard and emotional. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through this. And I feel like a bitch for saying that, or weak because I know people that are in a much worse predicament than me. I mean most days I got this and I feel like I can take over the world. But chemo days and the following days just make me want to give up on it all. And until you go through this, until YOU have cancer you have no idea what I am going though. You have no idea.

I keep thinking that it might be for the best to move back to California after all this. In the case that I end up with a relapse it would be so much easier to be at home with people I know and people that can help me. But Washington has better healthcare for me. They actually seem to care about my health and treatment. And to start all over again after all this would be hard. I love Washington and I can see myself living a great fun life here but so far all I have here in Washington is cancer. I want to be excited about the future but its really hard with all this going on. I can't wait to get a new apartment, but will I be healthy long enough to live there? I can't wait to go back to work, but what if I relapse and have to go on leave again and lose my job. I can't wait to go on dates and meet new friends, but what if I never get the chance. I just want to be excited again. I want to be excited about anything. I mean my future looks bright according to my doctor, I mean as bright as it can seeing as I have cancer and will most likely get another type, or organ failure of some sort in the future. My life is drastically shortened because of all this. I am not sad that my life is shortened, I am just worried that what is left of my life will be taken over by cancer and relapses and medicine. I just hope that I can get my life back to somewhat normal, so I can enjoy this wonderful gift of life.

I feel dumb when I post these depressing and sad posts but I cant be positive and happy all the time. And I am sure someone, somewhere out there will come across this and they will be going through the same thing as me and they will smile knowing they are not alone and what they are thinking is normal. And thats why I do this. I want those people to know that they are not alone. And I want all of you readers to know what goes through the minds of cancer patients. I am not saying all people think the way I do but I have learned that a great amount do. It's hard to do this. I just want you all to be grateful for your lives and health. I am losing a year of my life to fight this and I will never get it back. And on top of that because of this I will lose a few more years. It sucks even more to be this young and still have a whole life of learning ahead of me. And to think this happens to young children too. This is a sad world. But I guess we can just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I have learned that I have touched many lives that I was not aware of before all this. And that makes me happy. And it helps me through all this.



During chemo, you're more tired than you've ever been.  It's like a cloud passing over the sun, and suddenly you're out.  You don't know how you'll answer the door when your groceries are delivered.  But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been.  You're clear.  Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception.  Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience.  Now it's instantaneous.  ~Melissa Bank

Ramblings...

I had an appointment with my doctor the other day. Just a check up to make sure I am handling chemo. I had a slew of questions for him, every feeling, every ache, I wanted to check them out and make sure it was all normal. Rest assured everything I am feeling is normal. In fact I am handling chemo excellently. BUT. Yes there is a but. My doctor advised me he consulted with a radiologist about the bulky disease in my chest. The radiologist highly suggested I get radiation after my chemo. This news is disappointing as radiation can cause breast cancer and heart problems in the future. But I guess with me having cancer I knew my life was forever changed and I am now more likely to get cancer again anyways. As a friend said might as well move forward thinking the best.

On a good note my doctor reassured me that I can go out and live my life. I have been panicking and staying locked inside thinking that any little germ would kill me. But now I know that as long as I am careful I can go out and do things and enjoy life! So I have started making plans! Getting back to normal!

Also I went and visited my work and that was a nice surprise. They actually missed me. I ended up visiting for almost 3 hours. It made me miss work and the people and the interaction but I need to focus on my health first and foremost. I greatly appreciate that they are all understanding and caring.

Having cancer, like I've said before, is like being a part of an elite club. There was a Stupid Cancer meet up which I attended and it was exciting. Only four people, including myself, showed up but still. We were all gathered around a long table in Panera Bread, brought together by the lack of hair on our heads. I'm sure people were curious what was going on at our table. It's exciting to talk to someone with the same scars as you and the same train of thought. These meet ups are great for me in so many ways. It's not the way I originally hoped to meet people when I moved up here but I guess given the circumstances it will do.

I have chemo tomorrow and it is weird that the thought of it gets me sick. The smells, the noises, the thoughts. VOMIT. Excuse me while I go take some Lorazepam and relax. Soon I wont be able to go to the hospital without getting extremely nauseous or vomit. 

Since I have a lot of spare time to kill between treatments I have decided to use that time wisely. I am getting cabin fever and thinking too much about what could happen to me. So before I go completely insane I have decided to start exercising again. Along with the yoga that I am trying to do daily, I am going to start walking every morning (if the weather permits) and work my way up to a jog or run. At least until I lose energy which I hear happens the longer you do chemo. I want my old life back, sigh. 

Oh also I did research on a cancer dating website and they do exist. I may or may not have signed up for that... I read an article that when someone you are dating finds out you have/had cancer that they usually look at you differently and even sometimes decide to stop dating you. Nobody wants to deal with that hot mess. Which I understand. Its a lot to handle. It is okay though. Once I beat this I will have shit to do. I will have places to go, people to see, things to experience and a life to live. BUT if a sweet, caring, funny, tall, dark and handsome man wants to join me, I shall not object. Notice I said MAN, aint nobody got time for boys. 

I want to apologize for this blog post being all over the place. I want to thank all my friends. Y'all get me through my hard times. I want to thank my cats for their snuggles. I want to thank my mom for being around alllll the time and cooking me meals. I'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press... I don't know why I just went Oscar speech on y'all. 

Till next time kiddos. 





This quote hits home. I love it. 

“Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but a Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile.” 
― John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

A Little Bit of Everything...

Hello TEAM KRAFT

So first I want to talk about my doctors and nurses here in Washington per request of a friend. Let me tell you right away that from my experience healthcare professionals are much better out here than they were in California. In California I was misdiagnosed a few times and treated like I didn't matter. When I came out here from the beginning when I saw a primary doctor he seemed really interested in my story and my health. That was the start of my cancer diagnoses. They rushed everything and kept me updated. When I first had a CT scan and was told I would need a biopsy my doctor called me to let me know and he seemed genuinely concerned. He then put his nurse on the phone who said she pulled some strings with a surgeon she used to work with that could do my biopsy ASAP. I was so surprised they went out of their way on their own to set that up for me. I was starting to feel like a celebrity. After the tests were done and it was confirmed I had cancer a few weeks down the road, my primary doctor called me to wish me a Happy New Year and good luck with my treatments since I wont be seeing him for a while. How nice is that? I couldn't believe it. After that I started dealing directly with my Oncologist and he too called me at home to give me personal updates and see how I was doing after certain tests and treatments. California doctors and nurses don't care, once you left the office you left their mind. The nurses at the infusion center are great as well. They are chatter boxes and love to talk and give you tips and tricks while dealing with chemo. I guess me moving out here happened for many reasons, one being my cancer diagnoses and treatment. I believe that if I still lived in California I would still be undiagnosed and slowly dying. I don't have a whole lot to talk about regarding my doctors just that I felt like a celebrity. 

Next I want to talk about weird things that have been happening to me. It is about a week since my third treatment. Of course my hair is still falling out. I figured with all the hair I have lost so far that I would be bald but not quite. There is A LOT of hair on my head. But now it does look like I have really thin hair and a few bald spots. Also my gums have swollen and my mouth is more tender. My foot also is having a weird sensation that makes me think my phone is vibrating but its actually just my foot. That can't be good. Ill have to mention that to my doctor. Don't worry I have a list of questions for my doctor, I see him on Thursday. Also I have lost all my energy its ridiculous. Man oh man cancer is something else. 

So I heard about that movie coming out in June, The Fault In Our Stars. Its about two teens that have cancer and meet at a support group. Anyways, I went and bought the book and nearly read the whole thing in one night. I plan on finishing it tonight. My goal was to snag a hottie in a support group or treatment or something so I am living vicariously through this book, for now anyways. Man being single is easier when you don't have to worry about surviving the next few months. It would be nice to go on date before I die, I guess I'll just have to survive this thing so I can go on dates again. I am going to be 25 in 2.5 weeks and I had a completely different picture of what my life would be like right now. A few years ago I had hoped I would be married and ready to start a family by now. Then after being single so long I decided I would be at least in a committed relationship and have a dog or something. I went from a strong, independent girl with a good job and new car and great apartment living a great life to a girl with no apartment in an unfamiliar city with cancer, not working and stuck at home. WHAT HAPPENED??? I feel like I took a huge step back in life. I had it all and couldn't want anything else. I HAD to move to Seattle. I HAD to start a new adventure. I HAD to get cancer. Darn me for being so gumptious! (Gumptious is a word, I looked it up because my computer is telling me its not a word, I think I am smarter than you computer, DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO COMPUTER!) Its okay sometimes to move forward you need to take a step back. 

 I need to meet an Augustus Waters. That would be pleasant and eventful in my uneventful life. Is it bad that a girl just wants someone to snuggle with and hold her hand when shes not feeling well? Someones shoulder to rest my tired head on after an emotional day filled with worry and he can kiss my forehead and make all the pain and sadness go away. Where is that? Oh wait I don't need a man I have my cats. If I were healthy and free and at a point I wanted to be at, I would not ache for another human being to share my time with. Why? Because I would be out enjoying life. Dancing with guys at the bar. Flirting with strangers. Have good, clean, young fun. I would be my independent and free self! But because I am bound by this cancer, tied up with worry and handcuffed to sadness, it makes me wish I had someone to share this time with. Maybe if I lived back in California with all my friends I wouldn't feel so lonely. When you have cancer I strongly suggest you don't become cancer, don't pull away from people. People and contact and friends will be the best thing for you. I sit alone with my thoughts all day and they are the like the uninvited, awkward people that show up to a party. They are unexpected and to be nice you say hi and then they think you are best friends and linger around you all night ruining your vibe. Does that happen? Oh well. I am forced to deal with my thoughts because I left my home to start a new adventure. Its okay I have some great friends I have daily text convos with that keep me sane!! THANK YOU! 

Also I started the "FIGHT LIKE A CRAZY CAT LADY" Tshirt fundraiser again. Feel free to snag a shirt and join TEAMKRAFT!

TEAM KRAFT


After writing all that I need a NAP!