Don' tell me...

So please don't tell me that chemo will kill me. That chemo will just give me more cancer. That there are alternatives to chemo. That if I eat better I can beat cancer or if I prayed more I can beat cancer without chemo. I understand that everyone has their own beliefs. But when I found out I could have cancer I didn't have much time to research my other options. My doctor said that chemo would be my best option to beat this. My cancer is very responsive to chemo. I am completely aware that yes me having cancer in the first place already increases my chances of getting another cancer in the future. And I am aware that chemo increases my chances as well and also increases my chances of other things going wrong with me. There is also a chance that after I beat this I will have a very long and fruitful life. 

Not a day passes that I don't worry what else will come my way. Or that maybe I will get another cancer as soon as I beat this one. Until you are in my shoes and go through this you have no right to say  what I should or shouldn't do or what will be good for me. I hope every day that after I beat this I can have a normal life and do all the things I really want to do with my life. 

I thought I knew everything I needed to know about my cancer and that I would have no more surprises. I was wrong. I had my 2nd chemo this past Monday and the blood tests showed that I have no immune system. That is expected with chemo but sometimes doctors decided to skip chemo and wait for your white blood count to come back up but my doctor seems to think since I am healthy (perfectly healthy other than the cancer) and young that I will be okay. The only thing is I have to be extra careful as a little cold could be the death of me. I have antibiotics on reserve just in case I get a fever then I gotta run to the ER. These next 5 months are gonna be extra hard trying to avoid all the germs in this disgusting world. 

The symptoms are like clockwork. Tuesday after I feel fine. Then Wednesdays I wake up feeling a little nauseous as the day goes on my mouth feels weird. I get tingles and my tongue goes a little numb. Then Thursday I feel better but still not myself. I get shooting pains throughout my body that last till friday and I will probably end up constipated and in pain from that come the weekend. YAY. 

Also my doctor says my hair should start falling out within the next 2 weeks or so... I am almost out of shampoo and conditioner so this couldn't be better timing! I am a little worried though because so far the symptoms haven't been too bad. I haven't had to throw up and I haven't had explosive diarrhea... What if my hair doesn't fall out? I chopped my hair off for nothing! Well not really, at least I know I look like a lesbian with short hair. 

Only 10 more days of chemo!! Spread over the next 5 months... Oh well hopefully come July I will have beaten this and I can finally get my life back on track. I haven't played soccer in almost a year and boy do I miss it! First the knee injury took me out and now this. I just want my old life back. A job I knew, soccer every Saturday, softball every Tuesday and drinks with friends whenever I wanted. Now I am confined to a house that isn't even mine and I can't do anything without the thought that I'll catch something and die. I did start cancer Yoga though so I guess I have that to look forward too. Other than the fear of dying before I can do everything I want to do I guess I am doing pretty well. 

Here is my fundraiser if you want to donate!
Team Kraft

"Anyone can give up, It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength."