I Am The Lucky One...

Cancer changes you. Yes it does. I have noticed it almost since the beginning that I am changing. I am changing for the better though so it is a welcome change. What is interesting though is that before I got diagnosed with cancer I had noticed a change in myself. I was starting to enjoy life more. I was going out with friends, saying yes to more things and just enjoying what I could. This happened right before I moved to Washington. And it was kinda sad because I had people tell me "Why didn't I know you were this fun before you decided to move?" I was always fun I just never gave people the chance to see that because I would of rather stayed home than go out. But something hit me one day and I started saying yes to more things. Was it the bad relationships? Was it the alcohol? Was it all the "Crazy Cat Lady" comments? Whatever it was I had started to realize it was time to enjoy life, along with that came the bold choice to move to Washington all by myself! That was the most exhilarating feeling. To be able to pick up and go and try something new. I was lucky to be able to do that. 

And now here we are, almost 6 months since I moved to Washington. Four months since I had been diagnosed with cancer. And I find myself regretting all the time I could of been saying YES! Did I subconsciously know I had cancer and decided to enjoy life while I could? What ever the case I am glad how things turned out because I was lucky enough to make some great friends in that short time before I moved here. And now here I am in Washington and I am already making what I know will be life long friends. What it took for me to get to this point has happened for a reason. Its crazy to say but its like it was the plan the whole time. Who made that plan, I don't know but there was definitely a plan. From getting laid off and getting paid to move here to getting a 4 month lease and having to move out because I got cancer and to having a caring second family up here willing to loan their house to me. It all fell into place. Not to mention Washington is like one of the top places to have cancer. That's lucky. Its really interesting to think about. 

The big question is WHY though? But interestingly enough as time goes on I find myself asking that less and less. It doesn't really matter because in the end I still have cancer. All I can do is focus on the now and beat this thing so I can see another day. That's the point right? To live? To grow? To enjoy it all. Its amazing though, all the cancer survivors and fighters I have met through this journey all have the same insight, for the most part. Life is short. We come face to face with our mortality and realize all that bull crap we once worried about no longer matters. We have been through shit, we have been sick, we have been tortured, we have been to the point of no return and made it back. There are days we cry and ask why me? Days we just want to give up because it hurts so much. We have been there and came back and still have a great attitude about life. We just want to enjoy what is left of it. We are not promised tomorrow as it is but then to be slapped in the face by death itself is a whole other level. But even with the idea of a good outcome it really is just "luck" as my friend put it today. That's right, LUCK. There are plenty of things to think about and plenty of ways to argue this but the bottom line is you pretty much have to be lucky to beat cancer. Just today my roommate told me "Maybe you'll get lucky and not need radiation, after all you were lucky enough to get cancer in the first place." My best friend Katie just told me I am so lucky that my good feeling about this job she wants means she will get the job. I am just that lucky I pass it on to others I guess.

You don't know how lucky you are to not have cancer. And please don't say you know what I must be going through, because you have no idea. You really don't. I imagine how hard it must be for you to talk to me. The worry and the fear that you may say something wrong or offend me. Heck just today I had someone say to me "Well I'll get out of your hair. Ha Ha not sure if that's politically correct to say right now." I laughed because it was funny, since I don't have hair for all you slow pokes out there. I have a sense of humor and I realize you don't know what to say to me so its okay. A lot of you have taken steps back from me which is okay too. This is tough for you, I get it. 

I can't wait for the day that cancer is no longer part of my vocabulary. But that day will be never. Cancer is a part of my life now and it is not going anywhere. So I guess I can just keep writing about it. 

“I just took [my cancer diagnosis] as bad luck, basically. It did strike me almost immediately, my atheist sort of thing kicked in and I thought "ha, if I was a God-botherer, I'd be thinking, why me God? What have I done to deserve this?" and I thought at least I'm free of that, at least I can simply treat it as bad luck and get on with it.” 
― Iain M. Banks