As usual on this crazy roller coaster ride of cancer, my mood took a sudden drop down tonight. Now it's not as bad as it has been but after a good day you'd think I would be immune to a bad mood. I took a 2 mile walk in the brisk spring air, I went to linner with a coworker, I went to a park and enjoyed the scenery, I also strolled through The Landing and admired all the young people enjoying their healthy Saturday night. I guess that's what threw me for a loop, the happy young people. No matter how great my mood gets or how positive I may think, I still have these moments of dreaded panic that my life is over. This will probably be a debbie downer post and towards the end I'll try to pick myself out of it but I am allowed to vent.
I don't know if I am just thinking about it more now that I am halfway done or maybe its taking a harder toll on me but this last chemo week has been a tough one. I felt sicker longer, my body feels weaker, I have new pains and aches. For instance my gums are so swollen you can barely see my teeth. That has been getting worse as the chemo has progressed. Have I been pushing myself too much trying to be normal? Ah but to be normal again, that is the dream, the hope! It makes me feel better trying to be normal. For a few days before my next treatment I can forget I am sick and just be Jessica. Jessica, the young, new Seattlite looking for romance and adventure! Not the sick, cancer infested, weak newbie. If the chemo is finally catching up with me I guess my limit pushing will come to a screeching halt. Could it be maybe the treatment isn't working? Ah yes my mind still jumps to that conclusion every now and again. Sure the tumors in my neck have disappeared but that pain in my chest, or that itch on my leg, or that pounding headache...WHATS THAT?? I will forever be haunted by those thoughts for the rest of my life. I will become my doctors best friend. You thought I was a hypochondriac before? HA you aint seen nothing yet.
Back to young adults living it up. I ache for a Saturday night on the town with my hair all dolled up and not a care in the world. A girls night where I don't have to avoid certain foods in fear of food poisoning that could kill me. A gym sesh after work, how I wish! Oh and to kick a soccer ball again, the dream! I did however play a round of kick the pinecone with my mom on a walk the other day and that was not fun for my knee. Soccer may not be in my future. But I guess as long as I have my life I can't complain. There is no reason my cancer can't be cured. All odds are in my favor, well most anyways.
Lately anything that smells like a hospital gets me sick. Looking back at pictures of past chemo sessions gets me sick. The thought of chemo gets me sick, typing this was hard. I had to resist the urge to vomit and just type this as fast as possible. Cancer changes everything. It really does. I try to convince myself that cancer isn't that bad and that this is a walk in the park but its not. I am aware I have it easier than others and I could be in much worse condition but cancer is cancer. I am thankful I am capable of handling this well and pushing through. But it is tough. On days I don't feel well I literally want to give up, just throw in the towel. I start planning my Last Will and Testament. I tell my mom to take care of my cats when I die. Don't leave Fraline alone, she needs to be cuddled, she likes to cuddle, she's a cuddler mom. And Olive, oh baby Olive she doesn't show it but she needs attention too. Compliment her and don't forget to feed her, she's fat remember, don't let her starve. They are my babies and I want them to be taken care of should anything happen to me.
Come April 28th what if I don't receive good news? What if I need additional chemo and or radiation? What if that doesn't work and I need something else? What if it comes back a year later? That absolutely scares me. I do not want to go through all this again. I will give up. I don't want to though. I want to be the strong young girl you all see me to be but sometimes its hard and I just don't want to do it. I admire all the other cancer fighters/survivors that I have come across they are the strongest people I have ever met. I look up to them. I tell myself if they can do it, so can I! I guess I should slow down though maybe not push the limits. Im trying so hard to be normal an act like nothing is wrong I might end up killing myself. Like today I went to linner with a coworker. I had a delicious burrito but now my stomach is upset and I can't help but think I have food poisoning now and will die of a fever in the hospital tomorrow. Wouldn't that be funny? Hilarious. My love for a good burrito killed me. CURSE YOU FOOD! If I do survive this imaginary food poisoning I am going on a diet. I have gained weight since my diagnoses. Nows not the time to diet you say? Okay maybe I wont diet but it wont hurt me to eat healthier in general. I have kinda taken this opportunity to eat whatever I want more than ever. But it really cant hurt to cut the soda and fried potato intake.
My gums hurt and my body aches, I think its time to sleep. And by sleep I mean lie in bed scrolling pinterest on my phone for 5 hours.
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