Sunday, December 22, 2013

Overwhelming emotions...

It is getting harder and harder to remain positive and act like nothing is happening. I have cancer. I am going to lose my hair, I am going to get sick, I am going to change. I am 24 years old, by the time of my my 4th chemo I will be 25 years old. I am currently single and I am okay with being single but I of course had dreams and hopes of getting married one day and having a family and right now all of that seems like it will never happen. The crazy thoughts that go through my mind are: Who could love someone with cancer? Who would date someone who had cancer? What if I die? What if I become infertile during this process? I understand how silly some of those questions are but they do cross my mind and its tough. I just moved from southern California to Seattle Washington. I left everyone I have ever known in California and now most of my time in Washington is spent alone where all these crazy thoughts take over. 

 Will I ever be myself again? Will I ever be able to act my age? Go to parties? Go out and enjoy life with friends? Go on dates? Be spontaneous? I guess we will see what I am capable of very soon. I should of enjoyed my life more. I should of been more spontaneous. I should of done things differently. But then again if I did I wouldn't be where or who I am today and I am proud of that. Cancer definitely changes who you are. 

 I don't plan on dying, I will not let the cancer win, but after everything you read and hear and see about cancer it is still scary. It is getting overwhelming. So much is happening and so fast. My life is changing at the blink of an eye. I never would of guessed this would be happening to me and I am still confused as to why me? But then again everyone asks that when something bad happens to them. People ask: Why do bad things happen to good people? Bad things happen to everyone because that is life, get over it. You can be the best person in the world and bad shit will still happen to you. It is unavoidable. I am not saying everyone will get cancer but everyone definitely fights their own battles. 

 I have the "good" cancer. Thats right the good kind, the curable kind, the kind you hope to get if you are gonna get cancer. It is still cancer and it still makes people look at you differently. Oh well I have been through a lot in my life and I am strong enough to handle anything thrown at me even if it is cancer. Keep Calm and Fuck Cancer. 

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.





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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousDecember 24, 2013 at 1:55 AM

    Today was hard, Jess. Tomorrow will be better. And I will be there still. :)

    -Katie

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  2. UnknownDecember 25, 2013 at 9:36 PM

    Jessica you are so brave! You keep optimist girl! I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in situ when I was seven months pregnant with my youngest son I had the biopsy while pregnant . So I know how frightened and worried you must be feeling. I started resesrching everything I could find on survivor rates and what was the key. What I found was optimism and meditation. My unborn son saved my life. I would not have know I had cancer if i had not become pregnant. I am a 23 year cancer survivor. You can beat this. Its ok to feel sacred and upset sometimes but think positive before it overwelms you. You can count on me for support. Call me if you want to talk.

    Rose

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