So its begun...

Today I felt like I accomplished a lot. I had my first appointment with my Oncologist. All the unknowns are now known and I still feel the same. My doctor advised me that based on the information we have so far it shows that I am at least a stage 3. I am under going more tests to determine if I am a stage 4. With lymphoma the stages don't really mean anything, just because you are at a higher stage doesn't mean you have less time to live. The stages pretty much just say how much cancer you have in your body and from what we can tell right now I have quite a bit of cancer in my chest, neck and abdomen. I have a bone marrow biopsy scheduled for this up coming Monday and I am not looking forward to that. I have heard it is pretty darn painful. My doctor advised me that I will be doped up and not be able to feel anything and that it will be bearable. We will see. The Monday after that I have an appointment to get my portacath. And this following week I should get a few other tests done I am just waiting for them to tell me when. The estimated start date of chemo is January 6th as long as all the tests are done. And I was advised I will most likely need chemo for 6 months. What a great start to 2014.

After all this one would think that the diagnoses of cancer would be setting in but as of right now it still feels surreal. At the Oncologist appointment my doctor pointed out how me and my best friend Katie were in such good spirits for the current situation. We were laughing and joking through the whole appointment. I know this is a serious issue and trust me I have had plenty of serious moments but its good that I have a friend that can turn the hardest of times into bearable and fun adventures. Just a quick shout out to my best friend/ sister Katie. She has gone above and beyond making sure I am comfortable and well taken care of. I am so blessed to have my support system and all the people willing to do anything to help me out.

At this point I am glad to have this process started. For the last few weeks I felt like I have just been doing a bunch of waiting and wondering. Now I have a time frame and can start planning for the future. I have decided to go on a leave of absence from work. I work in a bank and decided with all the germs out there it would be safer for me to just not work. My boss is also being very understanding with the process which is a load off my chest. 

Soon I will be cutting my hair shorter before it starts falling out. Then when it falls out ill just SHAVE IT OFF. I have always wanted to see how I would look with a pixie cut and now is my chance. Always looking on the bright side of things I guess. The day my hair falls out will probably be when the cancer diagnoses will hit me and I will probably get emotional. Its not that my hair is what defines me and I wont feel pretty without it, (I am gonna rock this cancer look, I plan on meeting my future husband in chemo) I just feel thats the moment the cancer will be real and what is happening to me will finally be real.

I have also been pondering the thought of starting a fundraiser. Is that silly? Is that needy? I have seen people start a fundraiser and raise money for their cause and all is well. But I personally have a hard time asking others for help. I like to take care of myself and so having to need help with all of this has been difficult. I already have family that will help me with the medical bills but as for additional bills and anything that I will need while I am out of work, additional funds would be helpful and maybe even help with those medical bills as well. I will argue with myself on if this is the right thing to do or not till the very last minute. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try and see if there are any kind hearts out there willing to help a young adult living on her own in a new state and newly diagnosed with cancer. Not that I am trying to make myself sound pathetic or anything. THE INTERNAL STRUGGLE. 

Well I am off to hunt for a FUCK CANCER T-shirt for when I start chemo. 

And below is just a funny picture of me after I had my lymph node biopsy:

If it weren't for cancer, I'd say I had the perfect life. But if it weren't for cancer would I even realize this?