This is my second blog post for today. And my earlier one was a positive post and good news and just a few hours later that all changes. Having cancer is worse than being bipolar. Your moods and thoughts change so rapidly its unbearable sometimes. I am overwhelmed with emotions right now, maybe it is because I am due to start my last period for the next year or maybe because I am listening to Adele or maybe its the cancer. Either way my mood went from amazing to damn... I have cancer.
I am so touched with all the support I have been receiving. But for some reason that makes me sad. People have been contacting me about my blog and it makes me feel like I'm part of a cool club. But not so cool. Bottom line is I have cancer. Whether it be the good cancer or not it is cancer. It kills people. I remember thinking when I was a kid that cancer was a death sentence. Once you got the C word that was it, your life is over. It can still be that way for some types of cancer. But me I'm "lucky," I got the good cancer but I could still die. I have moments where I just feel like this is the end for me, this is how my story ends. I haven't done much with my life, other than be the best that I can be. But what does that even mean? I haven't changed the world or done anything to be remembered by? What was/is my mission? I am young. I haven't even lived! But then I think well thats life, people die everyday, young and old. What would make me the exception to survive this? Nothing.
Now you will say "well just be positive and you'll beat this! Its all attitude." Yes. Attitude is a factor and I am sure it doesn't hurt. But you get cancer and then tell me how you are oh so positive all the time. Its not possible. I am going through the biggest battle of my life thus far and hopefully ever and I am allowed to be sad or mad or feel however I want.
My boss did the honor of telling my coworkers my diagnoses today. I have been out all week for testing and Christmas so I am sure they were getting curious. A few coworkers reached out to me today and I realized why. I am the pathetic new girl that got cancer. I moved to Seattle to start new and fresh and I am about to spend most of 2014 sick. Hopefully just sick though. Fingers are really crossed that I can beat this. Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong and I can beat this. Damn straight I am strong. All those people don't even know all the shit that has happened in my life that gave me my strength. But cancer definitely picked the wrong bitch. I am not going down without a fight. I refuse to lose. I am also too stubborn to lose this battle. Really cancer? After everything else in my 24 years of life you challenge ME??
I am tired though. I am just getting started with this battle and some of the time I already feel beaten. Why? Why me? I read other peoples blogs about this and it is just as depressing because other people are feeling what I am feeling and that sucks. Cancer sucks. I would never wish this on anybody. And the future? Do I have one? Can I plan ahead? And dream about the future? I saw an ad for speed dating and was like "OOO that would be fun! oh wait... can't.... I have cancer." Oh and my cats could kill me if they scratch me while I am doing chemo. Or if I kiss them. If someone vacuums I have to leave, the dust could kill me. Kids? Little germ bombs ready to go off and kill me. The public? A festering pool of killers. UUHHHGGG!
Sometimes I just don't know. This shit is real. And anybody can get it for no reason. I should of gone to church more. Should of been nicer to people. Should of gave more bums money. Maybe its just karma. Life just makes no sense and its irritating. I am scared to death of death. Thats it, the end, no more. I can't even think about that I start hyperventilating. Am I really strong enough to beat this thing and live a long and happy life? According to the stages of grief I already had denial. Now I think I am on anger and bargaining and depression. Oh well after those three is acceptance. I hope I get to that point fast.
If this is the end I will be pissed off that the last 6 months of my life were me not feeling well enough to do anything. That would blow. Motha Effin CANCER!! Get this mother fuckin cancer out my mother fuckin body! Maybe getting cancer and telling my story is my mission. It may inspire someone. Oh god thats depressing. But I am glad I could help. Now I can't sleep because I have all these wild thoughts running through my head.
If there is one thing I learned during my cancer treatment for Hodgkin's it's not to ask why. You'll drive yourself crazy. Even the most educated people who have researched this disease for years can't exactly pinpoint why people get it. I think it's natural to wonder but you have to let it go at some point or you'll drive yourself crazy. This is easier said than done and as someone facing a relapse with this disease (scan on Monday) it's been REALLY tough not to ask how it's possible I may have landed on the wrong side of the odds... twice.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to. And feel free to contact me if you want to chat.
Thank you Kayla. I read some of your blog and it upset me that you could possibly be going through this again. My emotions go up and down all the time but you are right I don't wanna drive myself crazy.
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