Lets flash back a few years. As a woman in her early twenties I was living the life. I had a great job with great hours. I had my own apartment. I bought a new car. I had the best friends a girl could ask for. I dated, I partied, I had good clean fun. Its everything a young, successful girl could want. On long days I would go home to my place to my great cats, I would make some dinner for myself, pop in a movie and just relax. Most nights, with the windows open and that nice summer breeze flowing through my apartment. As I type this my mind is flooded with nostalgia. I wish I had a time machine. Doc Brown where are you when I need you! I long for the summer mornings when I had to get up for my soccer games, the smell of fresh cut grass filled the air. Or those summer nights when I had to head out for my softball games, hands and legs dusty. What about those themed parties that included great friends and beer pong tournaments and ended with tired bodies sprawled all over the floor. And those karaoke nights at Medranos, margaritas and Journey till the bar closed! That was what my life used to be like.
After living in Lancaster, California for 24 years I got the bright idea to head north to the land of rain! Don't get me wrong I love it in Washington and I knew what I was getting into. I had been dreaming of moving here since I first visited in 2005. It took a lot of growing up, learning, and a string of lucky events for me to finally make the move. My lease was ending, I got laid off and offered relocation money, I got a job up here, an apartment, and great discounts on moving supplies, it was meant to be. I packed up my life, said my goodbyes and me and my cats headed out.
But once I made it to Washington things seemed to go down hill. The apartments I found online were located in a bad part of town and were not that great. But luckily they let me sign a 4 month lease, little did I know that would be a life saver later on down the road. Sure enough about a month after moving here my doctor suspected I had cancer and this whole roller coaster started. And I was forced to move out of my apartment when the lease was up due to not having enough money while on disability. But I was lucky enough to have a second family up here that would let me move into their house. Forever grateful. And now here we are. Six months into my new adventure here in Washington and most of it has been spent at the hospital, on disability while living in someone elses house. Oh how I miss my young, free, independent life. I just hope that in 3 weeks I get the best news of my life and can start planning my future again.
I have been apartment hunting because I want to be ready. I found apartments I really like and I dream about moving into them and decorating. Where will I hang all my paintings? I must have pictures of my loved ones everywhere! Where will I put my christmas tree? But then my mind comes to a screeching halt and I tell myself to not jump the gun. "You don't even know if you are gonna live to see next year, so stop planning your new apartment." UHHG Chances are my cancer is gone and that I will beat this. My cancer is curable. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be crushed because I don't know what I would do. But I must keep a positive attitude and hope for the best. But what if the worst happens because that is a possibility. I may never again get to enjoy the feel of a summer breeze on a hot summer night. I may never again be able to sit on my porch with my cats and neighbor watch. I may never get to eat freaking raspberries again! I may never get to put my feet in the hot sand at the beach and feel the grains go in between my toes. The little things you all take for granted are the things I wish I could do. The flowers that are blooming smell amazing and I have literally stopped to smell them because I don't remember flowers ever smelling that good.
I miss my hair. My hair was so amazing in all my old pictures. I miss being able to throw it up into a bun. Or my beautiful trademark side swept bangs. I had killer bangs man. I look so different now. It makes me feel like someone else. I am no longer Jessica Kraft, I am some stranger with sickness on her face and extra pounds on her tummy. I just want to be the healthy Jessica I used to be. Why did I have to get cancer when I moved away from everything familiar. I moved away from all my loved ones the moment I needed them most. Why did it happen that way? All I know is that I am longing for the old days. If only I would have known what was in store for me maybe I would of appreciated things a lot more.
On a brighter note I do know that me having cancer has helped quit a few people. My fundraisers have given others the ideas of fundraisers. Apparently I inspire people with my positivity. And just recently a gal on Instagram reached out to me because she was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma as well. We became Facebook friends and chatted for a long bit. It's neat how cancer fighters/survivors can become friends instantly due to the bond of having cancer. Its nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling. And she told me that she was happy she found me because nobody understands what she is going through, but I do. So as long as I have done some good and helped one person feel better about their diagnoses then me having cancer isn't so bad.
If you are reading this and are in a giving mood then please feel free to check out my fundraiser. The donations have done wonders so far with my bills and they are still coming in so anything is welcome and appreciated.
TEAM KRAFT Fundraiser
The Difference a year makes...
Them bangs though...
Over halfway done...
“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.”
― Beryl Markham
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