You...

I have been battling cancer for four months now. I have learned a lot and been through a lot. I have also had to watch all of my friends and family continue on with their lives like nothing happened. But I guess nothing did happen, to them. Its hard to watch everyone live life like normal. Friends going to parties, working, going to restaurants. Things that have been taken from me, things I can no longer do. I just get to sit and watch and become green with envy. They are enjoying life while I am in a fight for my life. They go on living because my diagnoses does not affect them in any way. Which is fine but hard at the same time. I have learned who is there for me and who is just curious. I appreciate people taking the time to share my fundraisers and participate, I am forever grateful. But I cannot stress enough that you do not know what I am going through. You think you know, and I try to coney my experiences through this blog but you will never know what truly goes on inside my head. You will not know what I do when I am alone with my thoughts. The emotions are strong, the tears heavy. Being diagnosed with Cancer changes EVERYTHING. My life will never be the same and I am stuck trying to find a new normal once this is all done, if it ever is done. I am currently counting down to my Petscan which will tell me if the last four months have even done anything for me. Part of me knows I beat this because I am strong but of course there is the thought and chance that chemotherapy has done nothing to the cancer. You will NEVER know what its like to live with my mind. You will never know the fear. You will never understand.

I am lucky though. I have looked death in the face and said "not today." I have learned to appreciate the small things in life. I have learned to stop and smell the roses. I have learned to say "I love you." I have learned to not give a fuck about what other people think. But I have also learned that people can be shallow. I have learned that people can be oblivious. I have learned that people can be nosey. I have learned that people can be amazing. I have learned that people are people and it takes all kinds to make the world go around. 

If only you knew. Maybe you would live life better, maybe not. Just know that cancer is no walk in the park. I have been through things you have no idea about. I have endured pain and sickness that you can't fathom. And I am still awesome.