Anxious does not even touch how I feel at the moment. Stressed? No. Worried? No. Uncertain? No. All of the above? Yes. All of those mashed into one, swarming my body like a bunch of bees. I am waiting to meet with my doctor to find out the results of my petscan. Its like a child waiting for Christmas. That day can't come soon enough. Will I be healed? Oh goody I hope I am healed! I can't wait to show all my friends that I am healed. SANTA BETTER DELIVER A CANCER FREE DIAGNOSES!! In the meantime I let my imagination get the best of me. I jump to the worst conclusions as usual. This time of waiting cannot really be compared to anything. To me it is worse than waiting to hear my initial diagnoses. Because now I know what cancer is like. I know what I have to go through. And to be told that all those treatments and sickness did nothing, that I will have to go through it all or worse all over again. I would just die.
Showers have become a crying fest. I let the pouring water cover up the sound of my sobs. I just hunch over and let it out. What has become of my life. Why did this happen to me. What purpose has me having cancer had. Am I supposed to be learning something. Will I ever get to work again. Will I ever get to decorate my own apartment again. Will anybody ever want to date me again. Will I ever get some normalcy back into my life. Well this is my new normal. Crying, aching, sleeping, hospital visits and more crying. Welcome to the world of cancer.
Oh gosh is only been a few minutes. I was hoping magically it was Friday morning already. Logically I should expect good news but no expectations no disappointments. So I would rather let my mind run wild in all directions and go crazy. Well in all honesty I would rather not have cancer but life isn't perfect. I remember complaining about so many things before cancer and they all seem so trivial these days. If I could just go back to this time last year I would be ridiculously happier.
At least I have another test tomorrow to get my mind off of things. I have a Pulmonary Function test tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Get to see if chemo fucked up my lungs or not. I want to say I am pretty confident that it hasn't so I am not to worried about that one. Also to get my mind off of the waiting I will probably do some crafting. That will probably take up a whole 3 hours of the day and then I will get back to commiserating.
I am tired of facebook and seeing all of you oh so happy with life. Or even worse? Complaining that you are "sick" or mad at life. Yeah well fuck you. Its kinda hard to watch you all be so happy with life and going out and enjoying life while my life is circling the drain. Or when you complain that you are sick. Come on now. Be thankful you just have allergies you lucky son of a bitch. Now I know some of you are going "Well if you don't like what I put on facebook then delete me or block me" or maybe you will say "Just because your life sucks doesn't mean you have to be mad mine is awesome." Well first of all I might delete you. Second of all I can think whatever I want. Third of all I don't really care what you think and if you think either of those things you are probably not even reading this blog so whatever.
I want off this damn roller coaster. I just want to get my own place again. Decorate. Settle in. Start my job again. Find new opportunities. Explore. Visit California. Date. Get a dog. Grow my hair. Not worry about this shit anymore. Why me. But I guess I have gotten this far. And I am putting up one heck of a fight. And will continue to do so until the end.
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom
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