Chemo 8

Today marked my eighth chemo. I just keep telling myself I am one step closer to being done. One step closer to feeling better. I am typing this with heavy fingers as I do not feel well at the moment. The pre meds always get me really tired and gross feeling. My throat feels weird to the point I eat to make it feel better. That's also probably why I have gained weight. Oh well. This is my life now. It is coming more and more apparent that cancer is really common. I am not alone. Well duh. I joined an elite club of fighters and I was bound to meet other members. In fact most of my friends out here in Washington are cancer survivors my age. And here I was worried how I was gonna make friends when I moved out here. But it really is interesting talking to them. They know exactly what I am going through. We make cancer jokes and swap chemo stories. They get it. They understand like nobody else could. Without these girls who knows where I would be. I would feel utterly alone and scared. Well I am still scared but they give me hope. Talking to "normal" friends is difficult. They want to understand but they will never know. 

I shared a room with a talkative lady today in the infusion ward. She is a colon cancer survivor but she was back due to an infection post cancer that almost killed her. She was told her chances of survival were not great but she fought and won and was here to tell me that each day is a gift. We are not promised tomorrow. This is the toughest thing I have had to deal with in my life thus far. I thought everything up until now was rough but I was wrong. If only I knew that it got harder, I might not of worried about all those little things. This is my life now. 

I still worry about my future. Two weeks from today I will get my Petscan and PFT results. The Petscan will tell me if the cancer is gone or not. EEEK. You have no idea how anxious I am for this. And the PFT is just a lung test that will tell me if my lungs have been damaged. The suspense is killing me. I just want all of this to be over. I just keep telling myself that its almost over. I am almost done. I know I beat this. I will get a good scan. I am so over feeling sick and ugly. I am not the same person I was before. Everything has changed. I am going to have to rediscover myself. Find myself all over again. I am going to need time to work on myself after all of this. 

I realize as I reread this that my writing when I don't feel good is less entertaining. But I needed to say somethings to keep my mind off of me not feeling well. So I apologize for it not being up to par but then again I don't really care what you think. Well I am off to eat more or nap more or just writhe in pain on the couch. 


Don't forget to check out my fundraiser and tell your friends. The bills are still coming and my disability pay checks are getting smaller and smaller. Anything helps and is greatly appreciated. One less thing to worry about. Team Kraft Fundraiser

“You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.”