You...

I have been battling cancer for four months now. I have learned a lot and been through a lot. I have also had to watch all of my friends and family continue on with their lives like nothing happened. But I guess nothing did happen, to them. Its hard to watch everyone live life like normal. Friends going to parties, working, going to restaurants. Things that have been taken from me, things I can no longer do. I just get to sit and watch and become green with envy. They are enjoying life while I am in a fight for my life. They go on living because my diagnoses does not affect them in any way. Which is fine but hard at the same time. I have learned who is there for me and who is just curious. I appreciate people taking the time to share my fundraisers and participate, I am forever grateful. But I cannot stress enough that you do not know what I am going through. You think you know, and I try to coney my experiences through this blog but you will never know what truly goes on inside my head. You will not know what I do when I am alone with my thoughts. The emotions are strong, the tears heavy. Being diagnosed with Cancer changes EVERYTHING. My life will never be the same and I am stuck trying to find a new normal once this is all done, if it ever is done. I am currently counting down to my Petscan which will tell me if the last four months have even done anything for me. Part of me knows I beat this because I am strong but of course there is the thought and chance that chemotherapy has done nothing to the cancer. You will NEVER know what its like to live with my mind. You will never know the fear. You will never understand.

I am lucky though. I have looked death in the face and said "not today." I have learned to appreciate the small things in life. I have learned to stop and smell the roses. I have learned to say "I love you." I have learned to not give a fuck about what other people think. But I have also learned that people can be shallow. I have learned that people can be oblivious. I have learned that people can be nosey. I have learned that people can be amazing. I have learned that people are people and it takes all kinds to make the world go around. 

If only you knew. Maybe you would live life better, maybe not. Just know that cancer is no walk in the park. I have been through things you have no idea about. I have endured pain and sickness that you can't fathom. And I am still awesome. 

Longing For the Old Days...

I decided to go in and organize all my photos on my laptop this evening but I guess it wasn't a good idea to go through all my old pictures. I found myself reminiscing and missing how things used to be. My life was so simple and easy and well, great! I was looking for a change of pace but what I got was a change in life.

Lets flash back a few years. As a woman in her early twenties I was living the life. I had a great job with great hours. I had my own apartment. I bought a new car. I had the best friends a girl could ask for. I dated, I partied, I had good clean fun. Its everything a young, successful girl could want. On long days I would go home to my place to my great cats, I would make some dinner for myself, pop in a movie and just relax. Most nights, with the windows open and that nice summer breeze flowing through my apartment. As I type this my mind is flooded with nostalgia. I wish I had a time machine. Doc Brown where are you when I need you! I long for the summer mornings when I had to get up for my soccer games, the smell of fresh cut grass filled the air. Or those summer nights when I had to head out for my softball games, hands and legs dusty. What about those themed parties that included great friends and beer pong tournaments and ended with tired bodies sprawled all over the floor. And those karaoke nights at Medranos, margaritas and Journey till the bar closed! That was what my life used to be like.

After living in Lancaster, California for 24 years I got the bright idea to head north to the land of rain! Don't get me wrong I love it in Washington and I knew what I was getting into. I had been dreaming of moving here since I first visited in 2005. It took a lot of growing up, learning, and a string of lucky events for me to finally make the move. My lease was ending, I got laid off and offered relocation money, I got a job up here, an apartment, and great discounts on moving supplies, it was meant to be. I packed up my life, said my goodbyes and me and my cats headed out.

But once I made it to Washington things seemed to go down hill. The apartments I found online were located in a bad part of town and were not that great. But luckily they let me sign a 4 month lease, little did I know that would be a life saver later on down the road. Sure enough about a month after moving here my doctor suspected I had cancer and this whole roller coaster started. And I was forced to move out of my apartment when the lease was up due to not having enough money while on disability. But I was lucky enough to have a second family up here that would let me move into their house. Forever grateful. And now here we are. Six months into my new adventure here in Washington and most of it has been spent at the hospital, on disability while living in someone elses house. Oh how I miss my young, free, independent life. I just hope that in 3 weeks I get the best news of my life and can start planning my future again.

I have been apartment hunting because I want to be ready. I found apartments I really like and I dream about moving into them and decorating. Where will I hang all my paintings? I must have pictures of my loved ones everywhere! Where will I put my christmas tree? But then my mind comes to a screeching halt and I tell myself to not jump the gun. "You don't even know if you are gonna live to see next year, so stop planning your new apartment." UHHG Chances are my cancer is gone and that I will beat this. My cancer is curable. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be crushed because I don't know what I would do. But I must keep a positive attitude and hope for the best. But what if the worst happens because that is a possibility. I may never again get to enjoy the feel of a summer breeze on a hot summer night. I may never again be able to sit on my porch with my cats and neighbor watch. I may never get to eat freaking raspberries again! I may never get to put my feet in the hot sand at the beach and feel the grains go in between my toes. The little things you all take for granted are the things I wish I could do. The flowers that are blooming smell amazing and I have literally stopped to smell them because I don't remember flowers ever smelling that good.

I miss my hair. My hair was so amazing in all my old pictures. I miss being able to throw it up into a bun. Or my beautiful trademark side swept bangs. I had killer bangs man. I look so different now. It makes me feel like someone else. I am no longer Jessica Kraft, I am some stranger with sickness on her face and extra pounds on her tummy. I just want to be the healthy Jessica I used to be. Why did I have to get cancer when I moved away from everything familiar. I moved away from all my loved ones the moment I needed them most. Why did it happen that way? All I know is that I am longing for the old days. If only I would have known what was in store for me maybe I would of appreciated things a lot more.

On a brighter note I do know that me having cancer has helped quit a few people. My fundraisers have given others the ideas of fundraisers. Apparently I inspire people with my positivity. And just recently a gal on Instagram reached out to me because she was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma as well. We became Facebook friends and chatted for a long bit. It's neat how cancer fighters/survivors can become friends instantly due to the bond of having cancer. Its nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling. And she told me that she was happy she found me because nobody understands what she is going through, but I do. So as long as I have done some good and helped one person feel better about their diagnoses then me having cancer isn't so bad.


If you are reading this and are in a giving mood then please feel free to check out my fundraiser. The donations have done wonders so far with my bills and they are still coming in so anything is welcome and appreciated. 
TEAM KRAFT Fundraiser

The Difference a year makes...

 Them bangs though...

Over halfway done...

“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance.” 

― Beryl Markham

28 days...

I'm CURED!! April Fools! Not yet cured but hoping for good news on April 28th. I will have a pet scan scheduled here in the next 3 weeks and on the 28th my doctor will have the results and will let me know if I am almost done or have a much longer battle ahead of me. I hope I am almost done. I hope the poison I have put in my body these last three months has done some good. I feel like it is working but I don't want to jump the gun and jinx anything. I guess time will tell. The anxiety for that day is going to kill me this month. I am pretty much waiting to be told if I will live or die. I just can't wait for that day. I want to vomit just thinking about the results. 

I also want to mention that I cannot wait to get my own place after all this is done. I feel like I am 20 again waiting to move out of my moms house for the first time. I have all my stuff and all my furniture just sitting collecting dust. I can't wait to decorate my place and invite friends over for dinner. I am mostly excited to walk around naked again. What is funny is that since my mother has been staying with me for the past three months I think I have forgotten how to take care of myself. She does it all from the cleaning to the cooking to turning on my heating blanket. At least at this time I am still capable of wiping my own butt. But that could change depending on what these Pet Scan results are. 

I will just go over what it means for me if my Pet Scan comes back bad.  If I still have a lot of cancer in my body that means the chemo is not working and I will need a harsher chemo. From what my doctor has told me the harsher chemo includes 6 drugs instead of just 4. It will shorten my overall life. It will make me infertile for sure. I will be sicker and weaker and of course my odds of getting another cancer increases. On top of all that I will need radiation to my chest as well which as I have discussed before increases my chances of getting breast cancer and/or heart problems. I really don't know if I could handle all that. I guess we will find out in 28 days. 

I just want to get my normal life back. I know it will never ever be "normal" again but more normal than what I have had to deal with these past few months. I want to go to Vegas with my best gal pals since I have never had a true young woman adventure in Vegas. I hope that day can happen because we are all getting our hopes up. They seem so positive that I have this thing beat. I just don't want to get too excited just to be crushed if I get bad news. Someone said to expect the worst but hope for the best. I'll just live one day at a time and roll with the punches I guess. Well till next time kiddos. 

Mid Chemo Crisis...

As usual on this crazy roller coaster ride of cancer, my mood took a sudden drop down tonight. Now it's not as bad as it has been but after a good day you'd think I would be immune to a bad mood. I took a 2 mile walk in the brisk spring air, I went to linner with a coworker, I went to a park and enjoyed the scenery, I also strolled through The Landing and admired all the young people enjoying their healthy Saturday night. I guess that's what threw me for a loop, the happy young people. No matter how great my mood gets or how positive I may think, I still have these moments of dreaded panic that my life is over. This will probably be a debbie downer post and towards the end I'll try to pick myself out of it but I am allowed to vent.

I don't know if I am just thinking about it more now that I am halfway done or maybe its taking a harder toll on me but this last chemo week has been a tough one. I felt sicker longer, my body feels weaker, I have new pains and aches. For instance my gums are so swollen you can barely see my teeth.  That has been getting worse as the chemo has progressed. Have I been pushing myself too much trying to be normal? Ah but to be normal again, that is the dream, the hope! It makes me feel better trying to be normal. For a few days before my next treatment I can forget I am sick and just be Jessica. Jessica, the young, new Seattlite looking for romance and adventure! Not the sick, cancer infested, weak newbie. If the chemo is finally catching up with me I guess my limit pushing will come to a screeching halt. Could it be maybe the treatment isn't working? Ah yes my mind still jumps to that conclusion every now and again. Sure the tumors in my neck have disappeared but that pain in my chest, or that itch on my leg, or that pounding headache...WHATS THAT?? I will forever be haunted by those thoughts for the rest of my life. I will become my doctors best friend. You thought I was a hypochondriac before? HA you aint seen nothing yet.

Back to young adults living it up. I ache for a Saturday night on the town with my hair all dolled up and not a care in the world. A girls night where I don't have to avoid certain foods in fear of food poisoning that could kill me. A gym sesh after work, how I wish! Oh and to kick a soccer ball again, the dream! I did however play a round of kick the pinecone with my mom on a walk the other day and that was not fun for my knee. Soccer may not be in my future. But I guess as long as I have my life I can't complain. There is no reason my cancer can't be cured. All odds are in my favor, well most anyways.

Lately anything that smells like a hospital gets me sick. Looking back at pictures of past chemo sessions gets me sick. The thought of chemo gets me sick, typing this was hard. I had to resist the urge to vomit and just type this as fast as possible. Cancer changes everything. It really does. I try to convince myself that cancer isn't that bad and that this is a walk in the park but its not. I am aware I have it easier than others and I could be in much worse condition but cancer is cancer. I am thankful I am capable of handling this well and pushing through. But it is tough. On days I don't feel well I literally want to give up, just throw in the towel. I start planning my Last Will and Testament. I tell my mom to take care of my cats when I die. Don't leave Fraline alone, she needs to be cuddled, she likes to cuddle, she's a cuddler mom. And Olive, oh baby Olive she doesn't show it but she needs attention too. Compliment her and don't forget to feed her, she's fat remember, don't let her starve. They are my babies and I want them to be taken care of should anything happen to me.

Come April 28th what if I don't receive good news? What if I need additional chemo and or radiation? What if that doesn't work and I need something else? What if it comes back a year later? That absolutely scares me. I do not want to go through all this again. I will give up. I don't want to though. I want to be the strong young girl you all see me to be but sometimes its hard and I just don't want to do it. I admire all the other cancer fighters/survivors that I have come across they are the strongest people I have ever met. I look up to them. I tell myself if they can do it, so can I! I guess I should slow down though maybe not push the limits. Im trying so hard to be normal an act like nothing is wrong I might end up killing myself. Like today I went to linner with a coworker. I had a delicious burrito but now my stomach is upset and I can't help but think I have food poisoning now and will die of a fever in the hospital tomorrow. Wouldn't that be funny? Hilarious. My love for a good burrito killed me. CURSE YOU FOOD! If I do survive this imaginary food poisoning I am going on a diet. I have gained weight since my diagnoses. Nows not the time to diet you say? Okay maybe I wont diet but it wont hurt me to eat healthier in general. I have kinda taken this opportunity to eat whatever I want more than ever. But it really cant hurt to cut the soda and fried potato intake.

My gums hurt and my body aches, I think its time to sleep. And by sleep I mean lie in bed scrolling pinterest on my phone for 5 hours. 

Halfway there...

Today was my halfway mark of my original chemotherapy plan. Halfway through this mess. Halfway to being reborn. Halfway to starting all over. Today my doctor said I had reached an exciting time in the process. I am halfway and its almost time for that PET scan to see how I am doing. In approximately 5 weeks I will take a test that will either make or break me. I could get the best news of my life that I BEAT CANCER, or I could get the news that the battle is yet to be won. Either way it will be an emotional day. I get emotional just thinking about it. The next month cannot go by fast enough. 

Chemo is becoming annoying. It seems that getting the chemo feels worse than the days that follow. The pre meds kick my butt. The thought of it grosses me out. I can't wait for the day that this is all over. I want to cry just thinking about it. I want to be done. I want to not feel nauseous. I want to not feel gross. I want to not be lethargic. I want my body to not be sore and achey all the time. I want my old body back. 

My doctor says I am handling chemo really well. I haven't lost all my hair which is nice. It still falls out here and there but I think peach fuzz grows in as some falls out. The second week after chemo I feel almost normal which is great! And lucky me after 3 months without a period, it showed up. The doctor said most people don't get their period while on chemo but LUCKY ME, I do. Most people lose weight during chemo but LUCKY ME I have gained a few pounds. But I guess things could be worse. Other than a few lazy days I feel well most of the time. 

Today was the first day I got a feeling that I could actually beat this. My doctor said that I have a 95% chance of being cured. And a great chance that after my 12 chemo treatments I wont need radiation or additional chemo. I guess after my PET scan we will know for sure. It's exciting to have a feeling that I could actually beat this! I have a good chance. I just want to know already!!! 

This experience has taught me a lot. It has taught the people around me a lot. I don't know why I got cancer, what the meaning behind it is but I can take solace is knowing that my loved ones have learned something. Or taken something positive out of all of this. I know I have helped a lot of people in some way or another, and that makes all this seem....like it has a purpose. I know I will be a better person after all of this. And I cant wait for what my future has to hold.

I think I wrote about this before but I just wanted to once again say that life is short. Accidents happen, people get sick, things happen so while you have the chance tell the people you love that you love them. Tell people how you feel, what do you have to lose? Enjoy life. Love life. Do your best and stop to smell the roses once in a while. 

I also wanted to say thank you to all the people that are supporting me. It has really surprised me at how many people have shown support. Its a heart warming feeling to know that you all care about me. And it really helps me to stay positive during all of this. So thank you all! 

I Am The Lucky One...

Cancer changes you. Yes it does. I have noticed it almost since the beginning that I am changing. I am changing for the better though so it is a welcome change. What is interesting though is that before I got diagnosed with cancer I had noticed a change in myself. I was starting to enjoy life more. I was going out with friends, saying yes to more things and just enjoying what I could. This happened right before I moved to Washington. And it was kinda sad because I had people tell me "Why didn't I know you were this fun before you decided to move?" I was always fun I just never gave people the chance to see that because I would of rather stayed home than go out. But something hit me one day and I started saying yes to more things. Was it the bad relationships? Was it the alcohol? Was it all the "Crazy Cat Lady" comments? Whatever it was I had started to realize it was time to enjoy life, along with that came the bold choice to move to Washington all by myself! That was the most exhilarating feeling. To be able to pick up and go and try something new. I was lucky to be able to do that. 

And now here we are, almost 6 months since I moved to Washington. Four months since I had been diagnosed with cancer. And I find myself regretting all the time I could of been saying YES! Did I subconsciously know I had cancer and decided to enjoy life while I could? What ever the case I am glad how things turned out because I was lucky enough to make some great friends in that short time before I moved here. And now here I am in Washington and I am already making what I know will be life long friends. What it took for me to get to this point has happened for a reason. Its crazy to say but its like it was the plan the whole time. Who made that plan, I don't know but there was definitely a plan. From getting laid off and getting paid to move here to getting a 4 month lease and having to move out because I got cancer and to having a caring second family up here willing to loan their house to me. It all fell into place. Not to mention Washington is like one of the top places to have cancer. That's lucky. Its really interesting to think about. 

The big question is WHY though? But interestingly enough as time goes on I find myself asking that less and less. It doesn't really matter because in the end I still have cancer. All I can do is focus on the now and beat this thing so I can see another day. That's the point right? To live? To grow? To enjoy it all. Its amazing though, all the cancer survivors and fighters I have met through this journey all have the same insight, for the most part. Life is short. We come face to face with our mortality and realize all that bull crap we once worried about no longer matters. We have been through shit, we have been sick, we have been tortured, we have been to the point of no return and made it back. There are days we cry and ask why me? Days we just want to give up because it hurts so much. We have been there and came back and still have a great attitude about life. We just want to enjoy what is left of it. We are not promised tomorrow as it is but then to be slapped in the face by death itself is a whole other level. But even with the idea of a good outcome it really is just "luck" as my friend put it today. That's right, LUCK. There are plenty of things to think about and plenty of ways to argue this but the bottom line is you pretty much have to be lucky to beat cancer. Just today my roommate told me "Maybe you'll get lucky and not need radiation, after all you were lucky enough to get cancer in the first place." My best friend Katie just told me I am so lucky that my good feeling about this job she wants means she will get the job. I am just that lucky I pass it on to others I guess.

You don't know how lucky you are to not have cancer. And please don't say you know what I must be going through, because you have no idea. You really don't. I imagine how hard it must be for you to talk to me. The worry and the fear that you may say something wrong or offend me. Heck just today I had someone say to me "Well I'll get out of your hair. Ha Ha not sure if that's politically correct to say right now." I laughed because it was funny, since I don't have hair for all you slow pokes out there. I have a sense of humor and I realize you don't know what to say to me so its okay. A lot of you have taken steps back from me which is okay too. This is tough for you, I get it. 

I can't wait for the day that cancer is no longer part of my vocabulary. But that day will be never. Cancer is a part of my life now and it is not going anywhere. So I guess I can just keep writing about it. 

“I just took [my cancer diagnosis] as bad luck, basically. It did strike me almost immediately, my atheist sort of thing kicked in and I thought "ha, if I was a God-botherer, I'd be thinking, why me God? What have I done to deserve this?" and I thought at least I'm free of that, at least I can simply treat it as bad luck and get on with it.” 
― Iain M. Banks

Chemo Birthday...

I celebrated my 25th birthday with a nice batch of chemotherapy. I am glad to say I made it to my 25th birthday but sad I couldn't celebrate it normally. I did however enjoy the weekend before my birthday. Saturday I went to the First Descents Climb-A-Thon to raise money for the young adult cancer group. I spent a few hours indoor rock climbing with my pal Brooke and even met a few new young adult cancer survivors. After that adventure me and my pal Brooke hit up a mexican restaurant in Tacoma and had margaritas and nachos. It was DELICIOUS. Me and Brooke got crazy, dancing and singing and chatting. Good times. Sunday I spent the day at the Woodland Park Zoo in Seattle with Katie, David, my mom and my god daughter Claire. That was my official birthday outing and we spent 5 hours walking through a zoo as it was pouring rain. IT WAS A BLAST! It was a good group of people enjoying the weather and fun animals. After that we went and got delicious pizza from Zeeks. It was a great birthday weekend for a cancer patient. I forgot I had cancer and that is nice.

Monday rolled around, my actual day of birth, and I spent the day in the hospital getting pumped with poison. I did bring cookies to the nurses so they got a nice little treat. My best friend brought me spider man balloons and a hand made clutch. I guess I couldn't ask for better people in my life at the moment. I have the best of friends getting me through this and a lot of the time I forget that I have cancer and feel normal for a change. 

I am excited to start living again. I am making new friends and going out and enjoying my time. That makes me so happy and excited for the future, even if that excitement only lasts for a little while. I will take what little victories I can get these days. 

Cheers to more great days!!

On a side note the second round of Fight Like A Crazy Cat Lady shirts went amazing. We met the goal and everyone got the shirts they wanted. Thank you all again for your support. I appreciate all of you.