Don' tell me...

So please don't tell me that chemo will kill me. That chemo will just give me more cancer. That there are alternatives to chemo. That if I eat better I can beat cancer or if I prayed more I can beat cancer without chemo. I understand that everyone has their own beliefs. But when I found out I could have cancer I didn't have much time to research my other options. My doctor said that chemo would be my best option to beat this. My cancer is very responsive to chemo. I am completely aware that yes me having cancer in the first place already increases my chances of getting another cancer in the future. And I am aware that chemo increases my chances as well and also increases my chances of other things going wrong with me. There is also a chance that after I beat this I will have a very long and fruitful life. 

Not a day passes that I don't worry what else will come my way. Or that maybe I will get another cancer as soon as I beat this one. Until you are in my shoes and go through this you have no right to say  what I should or shouldn't do or what will be good for me. I hope every day that after I beat this I can have a normal life and do all the things I really want to do with my life. 

I thought I knew everything I needed to know about my cancer and that I would have no more surprises. I was wrong. I had my 2nd chemo this past Monday and the blood tests showed that I have no immune system. That is expected with chemo but sometimes doctors decided to skip chemo and wait for your white blood count to come back up but my doctor seems to think since I am healthy (perfectly healthy other than the cancer) and young that I will be okay. The only thing is I have to be extra careful as a little cold could be the death of me. I have antibiotics on reserve just in case I get a fever then I gotta run to the ER. These next 5 months are gonna be extra hard trying to avoid all the germs in this disgusting world. 

The symptoms are like clockwork. Tuesday after I feel fine. Then Wednesdays I wake up feeling a little nauseous as the day goes on my mouth feels weird. I get tingles and my tongue goes a little numb. Then Thursday I feel better but still not myself. I get shooting pains throughout my body that last till friday and I will probably end up constipated and in pain from that come the weekend. YAY. 

Also my doctor says my hair should start falling out within the next 2 weeks or so... I am almost out of shampoo and conditioner so this couldn't be better timing! I am a little worried though because so far the symptoms haven't been too bad. I haven't had to throw up and I haven't had explosive diarrhea... What if my hair doesn't fall out? I chopped my hair off for nothing! Well not really, at least I know I look like a lesbian with short hair. 

Only 10 more days of chemo!! Spread over the next 5 months... Oh well hopefully come July I will have beaten this and I can finally get my life back on track. I haven't played soccer in almost a year and boy do I miss it! First the knee injury took me out and now this. I just want my old life back. A job I knew, soccer every Saturday, softball every Tuesday and drinks with friends whenever I wanted. Now I am confined to a house that isn't even mine and I can't do anything without the thought that I'll catch something and die. I did start cancer Yoga though so I guess I have that to look forward too. Other than the fear of dying before I can do everything I want to do I guess I am doing pretty well. 

Here is my fundraiser if you want to donate!
Team Kraft

"Anyone can give up, It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, thats true strength."

First week after...

Well it has been a week since my first chemo session. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. The day after chemo I felt like my normal self and had a normal day. Then Wednesday I woke up and felt nauseous and not myself but it was bearable. I had my medicine on hand just in case. Most of Wednesday I spent asleep on the couch, medicated. Needless to say I don't remember much and it was not as bad as I thought. Thursday I woke up and felt almost normal. I had a headache most of the day. Friday I woke up and was depressed. I was having shooting pains all throughout my body and just kept thinking it was the cancer and it was pissed off I was trying to fight it so it decided to fight back. We are all allowed bad days and I had my bad day. For the most part I hear I handled chemo pretty well and that this will be how I handle it in the future. I guess time will tell. Side note: My cat REALLY loves heating blankets. Old bitty must love the heat on her old bitty bones. We fight over the heating blanket. 

Anyways, come Saturday I had a headache again but I managed to get up and go to dinner at my friends house. While there I started getting side pain which eventually turned into abdominal pain. My hypochondriac side came out and jumped to the worst conclusions, but since I have cancer I have to jump to the worst conclusions now as a cat scratch could kill me. After a few hours of hoping I just had to fart I realized I didn't just have to fart. I decided to go to the emergency room just in case. They had a theory it could be kidney stones, appendicitis or a twisted ovary. Knowing my luck it was all three. After a vaginal and regular ultrasound and a CT my doctor came in to tell me "sorry we don't know what is causing this." They gave me some pain meds and sent me on my way. Let me tell you I am getting pretty fond of all the pain meds I end up with while in the hospital. Don't worry though, I wont get addicted... After a few days of what feels like REALLY bad cramps I have come to the conclusion it is prob a mix of constipation and a messed up menstrual cycle. I am eating prunes as I type hoping to unclog the chemo filled pipes and feel better. 

On another note my already anemic body has become even more anemic thanks to the cancer. So I have to get Iron infusions along with my chemo. I had that today and it looked like pure vanilla extract being shot into my system. Bottom line with that is my red blood cells are not regenerating? Is that the right term? As my nurse put it, I don't have any iron on back up for when red blood count gets low and needs to create new blood. And if my body cant create new blood I will need a transfusion and that just comes with a whole new set of problems. So please, shoot me full of vanilla extract. 

Today I also went to my first support group. I met a gal who introduced me to all kinds of support groups and activities for young people with cancer. For the most part what I learned today was even though I am sick and can't do much, I should take this time to do whatever I have always wanted to do. No better day than today. I will start yoga. I will start painting again. I will go on adventures and I will do whatever the heck I want to do because I can. It's amazing how positive these people remain after they have gone through so much. It makes me feel silly for being depressed for one day. I have pretty good chances and the good cancer, I shouldn't be looking at this like a death sentence. I have a week until my second chemo, I am going to enjoy it even if my body feels like its giving up. I will keep going. I will keep fighting. 

On another note my dear friend Krystal Day help set up a fundraiser for me. This one is for direct donations to help support me and all my expenses. Click below if you would like to donate. Anything helps and is greatly appreciated. 

Team Kraft Fundraiser

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.

First Chemo...

Yesterday was my first day of chemo. Let me tell you it actually wasn't that bad. I may be speaking to soon but even today I feel normal. I was expecting to feel really tired and sick and unable to do anything. But I feel like I could run a mile! I wont because I am lazy but still. The only issues I had was with one of the anti nausea meds which made my ears itchy and my throat feel tight and scratchy. Doctors said it wasn't an allergic reaction but probably just side effects of the meds. Oh well I'll take that over the worse side effects any day. Over all I was at the hospital for about 7 hours yesterday. There was a lot of talking and explaining, I just wanted to get the meds started and over with. The pre meds made me really tired so I ended up napping for most of it. But when it was over I felt perfectly normal. I came home popped an anti nausea med just in case and went to bed. I woke up feeling fine. 

I don't really have much to say about chemo as it was not that eventful. I did however cut my hair short about a week ago. I don't miss my hair and it wasn't emotional for about 10 inches to be cut off. I was actually excited to try something new. I have had long hair my whole life. After the fact I didn't like the new hair cut. It seemed to old lady ish and not spunky enough. I plan on making it more exciting within the next few days. 

Pics of my new hair.
Before and After

For everything that has happened the last few days I don't really have much to say. My shirt sales have gone amazing. And my coworkers took me out to dinner after work friday kind of as a good bye and good luck type thing. People are definitely surprising me with how kind they can be. 

Until next time kiddos!

"We are the captains of our own ships sailing the sea of life, but in times of a stormy weather, you will discover true friends when they don't hesitate to be a lighthouse."

Damn Roller Coaster...

This is my second blog post for today. And my earlier one was a positive post and good news and just a few hours later that all changes. Having cancer is worse than being bipolar. Your moods and thoughts change so rapidly its unbearable sometimes. I am overwhelmed with emotions right now, maybe it is because I am due to start my last period for the next year or maybe because I am listening to Adele or maybe its the cancer. Either way my mood went from amazing to damn... I have cancer.

I am so touched with all the support I have been receiving. But for some reason that makes me sad. People have been contacting me about my blog and it makes me feel like I'm part of a cool club. But not so cool. Bottom line is I have cancer. Whether it be the good cancer or not it is cancer. It kills people. I remember thinking when I was a kid that cancer was a death sentence. Once you got the C word that was it, your life is over. It can still be that way for some types of cancer. But me I'm "lucky," I got the good cancer but I could still die. I have moments where I just feel like this is the end for me, this is how my story ends. I haven't done much with my life, other than be the best that I can be. But what does that even mean? I haven't changed the world or done anything to be remembered by? What was/is my mission? I am young. I haven't even lived! But then I think well thats life, people die everyday, young and old. What would make me the exception to survive this? Nothing.

Now you will say "well just be positive and you'll beat this! Its all attitude." Yes. Attitude is a factor and I am sure it doesn't hurt. But you get cancer and then tell me how you are oh so positive all the time. Its not possible. I am going through the biggest battle of my life thus far and hopefully ever and I am allowed to be sad or mad or feel however I want.

My boss did the honor of telling my coworkers my diagnoses today. I have been out all week for testing and Christmas so I am sure they were getting curious. A few coworkers reached out to me today and I realized why. I am the pathetic new girl that got cancer. I moved to Seattle to start new and fresh and I am about to spend most of 2014 sick. Hopefully just sick though. Fingers are really crossed that I can beat this. Everyone keeps telling me I am so strong and I can beat this. Damn straight I am strong. All those people don't even know all the shit that has happened in my life that gave me my strength. But cancer definitely picked the wrong bitch. I am not going down without a fight. I refuse to lose. I am also too stubborn to lose this battle. Really cancer? After everything else in my 24 years of life you challenge ME??

I am tired though. I am just getting started with this battle and some of the time I already feel beaten. Why? Why me? I read other peoples blogs about this and it is just as depressing because other people are feeling what I am feeling and that sucks. Cancer sucks. I would never wish this on anybody. And the future? Do I have one? Can I plan ahead? And dream about the future? I saw an ad for speed dating and was like "OOO that would be fun! oh wait... can't.... I have cancer." Oh and my cats could kill me if they scratch me while I am doing chemo. Or if I kiss them. If someone vacuums I have to leave, the dust could kill me. Kids? Little germ bombs ready to go off and kill me. The public? A festering pool of killers. UUHHHGGG!

Sometimes I just don't know. This shit is real. And anybody can get it for no reason. I should of gone to church more. Should of been nicer to people. Should of gave more bums money. Maybe its just karma. Life just makes no sense and its irritating. I am scared to death of death. Thats it, the end, no more. I can't even think about that I start hyperventilating. Am I really strong enough to beat this thing and live a long and happy life? According to the stages of grief I already had denial. Now I think I am on anger and bargaining and depression. Oh well after those three is acceptance. I hope I get to that point fast.

If this is the end I will be pissed off that the last 6 months of my life were me not feeling well enough to do anything. That would blow. Motha Effin CANCER!! Get this mother fuckin cancer out my mother fuckin body! Maybe getting cancer and telling my story is my mission. It may inspire someone. Oh god thats depressing. But I am glad I could help. Now I can't sleep because I have all these wild thoughts running through my head.

Pretty Amazing...

Hello All!
The last few days have been to say the least, pretty amazing. Let me start at where we left off which was on Christmas day. So the following day I had a few appointments and wrapped up all my pre chemo appointments. Those were the easiest of all the tests done so far. I was radioactive for a bit which was fun! Not really, it felt like nothing. I was starving though because the day before (Christmas) I was on a protein only diet and all I had was eggs so all I ate was eggs. Life is miserable without food!!! I love food. So after my appointment I went and got a medium pizza all for myself and sat in Round Table Pizza by myself and chowed down. (My computer is telling me chowed isn't a word. It's trippin.) Anyways it was heaven. 

Today I had my port surgery which went surprisingly well. I was in and out in a matter of hours, it went much better than my bone marrow biopsy thats for sure. Portia is doing well. She is located above my armpit where my bra strap rests which is weird. This next week should be a regular week for me. Back to work and a normal life, then... chemo starts. Bring it. 

Anyways lets talk about the pretty amazing stuff. A friend showed me a website that you can design a Tshirt and then sell them for a fundraiser. I did a survey with friends and family and it went over really well so I decided to do that. The shirts have a personal message, so the people that know me will get a kick out of them. And if strangers wanted to buy one well it's still funny. If you are reading this and want to get one the link and info will be below. I think after the Tshirt fundraiser is done I will set up a regular fundraiser for all those people that don't like witty Tshirts and just want to give money. I am not greedy, I'm thoughtful. 

What has been amazing is all the people that are being extremely supportive of all of this. I just launched the Tshirt website and as I type people are buying up shirts and it is making my heart melt. I knew I had a handful of friends that would support me but when I did my survey of who would buy a shirt I was moved. People actually care. People are not selfish. People like to help. Maybe I am just lucky enough to have such amazing people in my life. Why haven't I realized this sooner? Either way these people have no idea how much I appreciate them. 


Just an update: My amazing Oncologist called me tonight to tell me my bone marrow biopsy came back negative. Which means I am only a stage 3!! WOOT WOOT. 

Want to buy a shirt?

www.tfund.com/TeamKraft

Bone Marrow Biopsy Extravaganza...

Well I had my bone marrow biopsy the other day and let me tell you, YIKES!  I went in thinking it wasn't going to be that bad. I knew it would hurt but my doctor told me its just like going to the dentist, not so bad right? Dentist Schmentist I got this. I arrived at the hospital at 7:30 AM and the procedure was supposed to start at 9:30. First they tried to get some blood and they couldn't find a vein, so I got poked right in the middle of my arm, between my elbow and hand, it was the most random spot. Sure enough my arm wasn't having it and literally pushed the needle back out of my arm. So they called another nurse in and they decided to just put an IV in the normal spot in the bend of my arm. Easy, peasy lemon squeezy. 

Then turns out one of my nurses just finished chemo for breast cancer and decided to share all her wise wisdom with me. Which I guess I understand because she has been through it and wanted to share how she did it but she ended up just making me feel weak and that I couldn't handle having cancer. She is a mom and a nurse and "didn't have the time to be sick." What did that make me? A weak coward that can't work and be normal while having cancer? I just want to handle my cancer the way I want to handle it, Kapeesh? 

Anyways back to the bone marrow biopsy. So they numbed my butt up a lot and gave me meds through my IV that made me feel awesome!! But as he kept going further and further it started to hurt. So they gave me more meds. Towards the end my whole leg started to hurt as if I had pulled a muscle but worse. So they ended the biopsy and as he counted down to pull the needle out of my butt bone I was just waiting for the pain to go away. When he got to 1 and the pain didn't subside I knew something was wrong. They waited a few minutes and gave me more meds and when it still didn't get better they advised me that the doctor most likely nicked a nerve. So what was supposed to be a quick procedure turned into a 9 hour day at the hospital. Because they gave me so many pain meds my BP got really low. Then they tried to flush the meds out of my system but that caused my butt to hurt. They then gave me Vicodin which made me nauseous. Lets just say the bone marrow biopsy was a hot mess. After about 9 hours I was sent home. Two days later and my butt still hurts, not as bad, but still hurts.

Today is Christmas and I am on a high protein diet for my PET scan tomorrow. And then Friday I am having my port surgery. I think I have decided to name her Portia. Cheesy but my friends suggested that and I thought it was funny. 

This has been a rough week and its just getting rougher. Monday I felt horrible with the pain and nausea and just being tired and I realized that's how I will most likely feel for the next six months. It was depressing but I will get through this, I know I can. 

Overwhelming emotions...

It is getting harder and harder to remain positive and act like nothing is happening. I have cancer. I am going to lose my hair, I am going to get sick, I am going to change. I am 24 years old, by the time of my my 4th chemo I will be 25 years old. I am currently single and I am okay with being single but I of course had dreams and hopes of getting married one day and having a family and right now all of that seems like it will never happen. The crazy thoughts that go through my mind are: Who could love someone with cancer? Who would date someone who had cancer? What if I die? What if I become infertile during this process? I understand how silly some of those questions are but they do cross my mind and its tough. I just moved from southern California to Seattle Washington. I left everyone I have ever known in California and now most of my time in Washington is spent alone where all these crazy thoughts take over. 

Will I ever be myself again? Will I ever be able to act my age? Go to parties? Go out and enjoy life with friends? Go on dates? Be spontaneous? I guess we will see what I am capable of very soon. I should of enjoyed my life more. I should of been more spontaneous. I should of done things differently. But then again if I did I wouldn't be where or who I am today and I am proud of that. Cancer definitely changes who you are. 

I don't plan on dying, I will not let the cancer win, but after everything you read and hear and see about cancer it is still scary. It is getting overwhelming. So much is happening and so fast. My life is changing at the blink of an eye. I never would of guessed this would be happening to me and I am still confused as to why me? But then again everyone asks that when something bad happens to them. People ask: Why do bad things happen to good people? Bad things happen to everyone because that is life, get over it. You can be the best person in the world and bad shit will still happen to you. It is unavoidable. I am not saying everyone will get cancer but everyone definitely fights their own battles. 

I have the "good" cancer. Thats right the good kind, the curable kind, the kind you hope to get if you are gonna get cancer. It is still cancer and it still makes people look at you differently. Oh well I have been through a lot in my life and I am strong enough to handle anything thrown at me even if it is cancer. Keep Calm and Fuck Cancer. 

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do.